Nothing Unsexier Than Corpses – 3

“I’m back!”

Keli is staring at the ground, flustered.

You skip over the wet streak in the carpet and walk over to the computer. Here’s hoping there’s soundproofing. Gallo turns to look up from the screen.

“Ahem… ‘I was born on the twenty-fifth day of spring, and when my mother first laid eyes on me, she wept, for she knew that she would never do any better in her life.’ Oh lord. ‘It may be true that my father later died in a foraging accident, but I suspect that he wasn’t able to take the pressure of raising a superior being.’

Ho

Lee

Shit.

“ ‘When I was two, my mother attempted to recreate my conception, but failed miserably. My sister—blah blah lah, yada yada…’”

Pages and pages went on about every aspect of his early life that he could remember, and every perceived slight against him.

“ ‘—And that is my life until now. So begins the narrative of my life.’ Wait, did Rastazanfulbaracha write a prologue for his own /diary/? And was any of that remotely true?”

“I remember him when we were kids.” Gallo says. “He kept mostly to himself. He had some mildly impressive alchemy abilities, but nothing that hinted of genius.”

You nod and keep reading.

“ ‘Sister is nothing but a meathead…Elder knows nothing…Keli rejected my offer of becoming wife to one such as I?’”

You and Gallo stare at Keli.

“He offered me what was obviously a potion that smelt of crushed Heart’s Desire and…musk. Obviously a love poison.” Both of you grimaced.

First time you’ve seen Gallo legitimately angry rather than calm and accepting. Seriously, he’s got the mental sanctity of a saint. You flip through the pages, trying to find a marker, a fold, ink blots, SOMETHING.

Until you find it.

Anywhere else, it would have been non-descript.  But in this guy’s journal, it stood out like a sore thumb.

“ ‘I’ve found someone that is smarter than I. More powerful than I will ever be.’”

Gallo and Keli perked up as you read that passage. A potential ally? A weakness?

“ ‘I decided to go to where the dragon is said to be sleeping. I had prepared a few deadly poisons that I would toss in its nostrils—'”Keli scoffs and mutters something about suicide. “ ‘When I saw him, I was in awe. He did not care about the gold at his feet, but at the scales and bones in front of him. His creations swarmed the carcass as blood shone still on his metal-clad body.’”

Cool, so he isn’t the dragon-slayer.

“ ‘In one unnatural motion his head swung towards me. And for the first time in my life, I was afraid. In but a blink he was before me, face hidden behind that emotionless mask. His blue eyes shone like suns, boring into me. One of his creations, mimicking a fly landed upon my neck and I could feel it’s stinger start to bore into my skin.’”

Wait a second, this isn’t how it ends…

“ ‘But he saw something in me. The fake bug flew away to join its millions of other metal brethren, and he passed the book to me.’

‘Read this. I will be back in a few days with Trilomorphs to make pods. You will collect nearby villagers into these modified pods and I will come collect what the pods extract. Work for me, and you will have power and longevity beyond your imagination. Fail me, and you will serve me the way that dragon and her hatchlings did.’

“ ‘I couldn’t help but swallow at the implications. I sat there, dumbfounded, for what seemed like days. When I came to, the dragons were gone, and not even blood stained the gold I stood upon. So I read the book. I learned. I became smarter, more powerful than ever before. True to his word, he came back. The things that accompanied him had strange black carapaces, no eyes and far too many teeth. They dug passages and formed ‘pods’, which he then modified. He personally built a study and a mushroom farm using his ‘bots’, and I stood by, enamored.’”

You really don’t like these implications.

“ ‘I will do as he says. And one day, centuries from now, I will surpass him. I will become superior.’”

The three of you fall silent and stare at the book. This jackass is just a mook!

You skim the rest of the pages and see it’s nothing more than runes, equations, and occasional tirades. And apparently he still hasn’t given up on his desire to bang Keli. And he’s completely okay with doing it with her while she’s dead.

Eugh.

You know you’re a hypocrite, but this is all types of wrong. The dead aren’t just rotting corpses. They’ve got no DESIRE, no will. Just puppets. He basically wants to stick his dick in a rotten puppet that looks like Keli.

Wait, no, this passage amends that, realizing that she’d be a puppet. Now he wants the zombies to pin her down as he impregnates her with a ‘perfect child of body and mind’. This guy is like Satan’s poster child. Except the Prince of darkness is capable of charisma and nuance.

You sigh and lean back in your chair.

One thing’s for sure:

When either you or Gallo snap this fucker’s neck, Keli isn’t going to be in his sight. You turn back to the monitors and smile at the sight of an empty room. The door opens. Your smile returns as you see that it’s a living person. And the frown is back when you realize it isn’t B’Mala, but Rastazan.

Those names are so much easier as nicknames.

He sighs and sits down on a chair, looking for something.

“Where did I--? Ah, never mind. Other than yet another group of idiots trying to kill me, nothing of note happened today. Ironic that their attempts simply give me more bodies to reanimate, and more blood to summon demons from Niflheim.”

His voice bled nasally arrogance. You considered popping back in and snapping his neck in one fell swoop, but you decided to wait until the time was right. The door opened again, with two imps carrying someone into the room.

“Its B’Malaicifircas! He’s all right!”

Keli and Gallo lean in to stare. “Where?”

“There’s nothing left!”

“But you said he’s alright! How could you know if there’s nothing left?”

“No, I mean he’s literally completely right. The left side of his body is missing.”

“What? But he…there’s time to grieve later.” Keli’s face set into a frown.

You turn your attention back to the crazy guy.

“So that’s what’s left of him? Pity…he would have made a fantastic undead. Oh well. Throw him in the pile, I’ll use his blood later.” The imps nod and drag the corpse away.

Rastazan hums a jaunty tune and clears his desk. He picks up some sort of amulet and begins cleaning it and writing notes on a paper on the side. He’s interrupted by a strange mechanical bumblebee glowing neon blue flying down a pipe. It bops him in the nose, and you could see a vein throbbing on his head.

“What is it, sir?”

Sir?

=“ Rastazanfulbaracha.”

The voice is distorted, but you could sense a hint of giddiness.

“It is time for my quota, isn’t it?”

=“You are correct, my little peon. I’m so…proud isn’t the word for it. Disgusted, mostly. But in this case, the ends do justify the means.”

“Don’t the ends always justify the means? The victors always write history, after all. Sir.”

You could feel the venom in that last word.

=“I don’t intend to write history, my little people. I’m not like you, someone who desires power for the sake of it, or worse yet, for prosperity.”

Rastazanfulbaracha snorts, but the bug flies around him, ignoring the derisive sound.

=“Nevertheless, letting you live and use the book I found to fulfill your wishes while paying me a tithe in that deliciously potent life force has to be one of my most efficient decisions yet.”

Rastazanfulbaracha shifts uneasily.

“What is it even for? I’ve seen what even a small amount can do…The amount I’ve given you so far could fill a large lake.”

=“You needn’t worry. It’ll be enough to satisfy my goal, according to my calculations. Soon, all of the wrongs will be righted. I need only one or two more shipments. Then you are free from my yoke, free to do as you like until the end of days.”

This is way more than you expected. You’re in over your head. Gallo and Keli are trying to piece together what this guy means, but you know just from the way he talks. This guy isn’t afraid of looking at the world like a chessboard where entire villages are pieces. And what’s all this talk about moral superiority?

“So this shipment…?”

=“I’ve just finished collecting it. See you next month, Rastazanfulbaracha.”

The bot flies back up the pipe and disappears. Rastazanfulbaracha collapses in a heap and sighs.

“Even from far away he scares me. This was exhausting, I need to get some sleep before I can properly study this amulet of unawareness. Far superior to an invisibility rune. Too bad it’s powered by the wearer’s magic rather than ambient magic…” He yawns and clears paper off his bed and…

Oh geez.

That’s a doll.

A doll with Kei’s hairstyle and green buttons for eyes. There’s even a pocket vagoo. He cuddles up to the doll and falls asleep. You wait a few minutes as his breathing starts to slow and get into rhythm.

“Now’s out chance.”

You grab a pair of people and close your eyes. You will yourselves back into the room and feel a small tugging sensation. The tugging grows and you’re back.

…And your breasts feel really warm.

You look down to see the two people squeezed against your ample chest.

Right.

Anything created cannot be brought back. Since it’s time for business, you will your suit back on. The two are blushing, trying to find something to talk about. Unfortunately, Keli found something.

“Does he have a doll of me?”

She leaned in for a closer look.

“It…he cut off a chunk of my hair for it!” She hisses.

You grab the amulet Rastazanfulbaracha had been observing and toss it in the air before catching it. It’s super convenient.  Like its only purpose is to prevent plot holes…

Sorry, to prevent assholes from finding you.

You grab the longest wire you could find and make a necklace. You put it on, and Keli and Gallo jump. Taking it off you ask them a question.

“Did I go invisible?”

“More than that. I couldn’t hear you or sense your soul.” Gallo whispers.

Perfect.

“Both of you should wear this, and get to the pods. Free the prisoners. I’ll finish Rastazanfulbaracha.”

“But…There’s only one necklace.” Keli stammers.

You smile widely.

“Then you’ll have to stick real close to each other.”

The two of them stammer a bit, but they get close as you drop the necklace around their necks. They disappear.

Neat.

You turn around to a completely unaware shmuck, just waiting to get his shit wrecked. Morally speaking, you know it’s very wrong to kill. But this guy has a lot of power, is key to an even bigger plot, and has done reprehensible things. You’ll meditate on your actions later, when everyone’s out of danger. Plus, you could always point to the Crusades or something if this comes up on your record.

Moral quandaries, even simple ones like this one, are the worst. You make a fist and loom over him. With one swing and a really loud cracking sound, you break his neck.

…

“That was easy.”

You slap your hand against your mouth. Why did you have to say it? Almost instantly red runes formed over his corpse. But more than over Eguoretsev. Like a lot more. His body was completely obscured by rune circles until they all vanished.

There stood Rastazanfulbaracha.

Eyes burning red.

Shadowing smoke clinging to him. Did you miss the decomposition? Because he went from full flesh and blood to skeleton in about ten seconds.

“You…demon.”

If he wasn’t a lich then, he is now. You two stare at one another.

…

It’s starting to get awkward.

“Are you upset that I killed you or—oof!”

Diplomacy failed when he sent a spectral bone into your gut. Lucky for you, it didn’t pierce you, but it still hurt like hell.

“You are a strange demon…No doubt summoned by some village to be rid of me.”

You summon your trusty bat and fling a few dark beams his way. Papers explode all around the lich. Bones and beams of dark energy are exchanged. When the smoke clears, the both of you are still standing, but the notes and experiments are suitably destroyed.

“What did you hope to accomplish, demon? Most of your shots missed.”

There’s some miasma that seems to stick to where you hit him, but it clears up slowly. Far slower than your own regeneration. And you’re still full of energy.

You chuckle.

“Don’t mistake me for an imp, Rastazanfulbaracha.”

He tenses, somehow, at the mention of his name.

“And did I really miss? All those notes, those plans…they were worth something right? You just helped me erase your presence further.” The fire in his eye sockets burns brighter.

“You…YOU FOUL MONSTROSITY!”

He blitzes towards you and you brace for impact. Both of you collapse in a pile, exchanging blows. It’s hard to hit his bones, but you could feel them cracking. He hits you, and your own suit protects you.

Hey, it isn’t flimsy!

But where he hits your skin, you start to rot and it takes longer to heal. A swift uppercut sends his head flying. His body collapses in a heap, but then follows the body piece by piece. You stand at a distance, room thoroughly destroyed.

Both of you have healed your injuries.

This has become a war of attrition.

And as nice it is to take the heat off of Gallo and Keli, you don’t know the limits of his power. Old Grandma Chevauchon’s words ring to you, in her weird, French-Hungarian accent.

“Don’t truhst a mahn who geev you smyle and rhye bread. For eet ees either poisonedt ohr ohld.”

Not those words.

“Nehvah geht eento war of attrrishteeion weet Leech. Leech always ween.”

She could have been talking about leeches, but you were in the Parisian catacombs at the time, and Chevauchon dragged you around with her gypsy friends.

You have to end this quick.

And since you weren’t a moron, you decide to go for the glowy bit that acts as a core to his body. His skull. You drop your penis club and rush at him.

Smiling as you grab his skull with your hands, you begin to squeeze them together. Before he delivers an oddly powerful punch to your abdomen. You’ve been sent flying back.You look down to see some sort of rune on your stomach.

That isn’t good.

“It seems you weren’t as lost in thought as I’d believed.”

Rastazanfulbaracha moves his cracked skull around.

“You’ve found my emergency phylactery. Quite clever of you. But I’ve also been preparing. I’ve placed a kinetic rune on your stomach. When I will it, the ambient magic surrounding you condenses and pushes against the rune, ergo, you. You will be sent flying until your body can no longer take it. Your internal organs will be crushed, your bones ground to dust.”

You get to your knees before you’re sent flying backwards again.

You’re against the door now.

“You can no longer do anything. Every time you get up, I will put you back down. This is an indisputable fact. It makes me wonder; when you die, will there be a body that I can use? Can I even use an undead with a hole in its abdomen? Answers I am willing to find out.”

Where the fuck are your imps?

Oh right…

Cleaning up your mess. You raise an arm to fire a bolt of energy.

CRACK!

There goes the door. Again.

“I just repaired that door.” He tuts.

You know. You slowly get up and summon a shield around you.

“A good effort, but futile nonetheless.”

You’re sent flying through the shattered remains of your own shield.

Ow.

Pain.

Your suit has a hole now, showing off your cute belly.

Cute if it weren’t bruised.

Regeneration is slower. He’s whittling you down. You look behind you and see the giant flask is almost completely empty. Tiny rivulets stream to the bottom, already having filled a couple gallons.

“Pay ATTENTION!”

You’re sent flying once more, bowling over a few innocent undead bystanders. The undead slowly move out of your way.

Obviously, Rastazanfulbaracha still wants you for himself.

Wait a second…

You concentrate on his own DESIRE.

Surprisingly enough, the lich did have DESIRE. Twisted as it may be. You feel your form shift to that of a small blue and purple woman.

”You wouldn’t hurt me, would you, Rastazan?” You flutter your eyelids for good measure.

He pauses.

You smirk, you’ve got him—

“Don’t you DARE mock Keli’s image!” He bellows and sends you flying.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

You did get a spike of DESIRE. But you instantly lost it to regeneration with that strike. You’re still sliding across the floor, in fact. Three skips has to be a record. You’re directly underneath the flask now, staring at that glowing blue above you. The crazy bastard rushes over to you and begins hammering you with his bony limbs and his rune.

A small crater forms under you from the amount of times he’s activated the rune. You’re stunned and in pain. A crumpled mess.

Rastazan eases off of you.

“You see now how futile this is? How useless you are before my might?”

Great, he’s monologuing. While he’s on your naked chest. You tune him out as your eyes drift behind him.

The blue…

If he’s undead…

And that’s life essence…

“And that is why your kind will always be to my beck and call, as mere thralls!”

”Yeah,” You grin with a cough. “But there’s one thing I have that you’ll never have.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“And what’s that?”

Sex appeal, charisma, a real personality, morals, people who are willing to fuck you, the list goes on, really.

“A mean pitch.”

You wiggle your fingers as your tail tickles his spine. He looks behind him to see what hit him, and you take the opportunity to grab his cranium and hurl it towards the flask. Instantly, you’re punted back down again, but not before he is sent on his way. His teeth lodge into the glass and it cracks slightly.

He seems to frown at you, but the fires in his orbits grow smaller as he realizes what’s happening. His own bones rush up to him to attach themselves, sealing his fate.

After a lot of boring and clanging against the thick glass, the bones puncture, causing gallons of life liquid to cascade onto him. You wisely decide to avoid it, hoping it did not make him stronger.

He reassembles himself and screeches.

“YOU FOOL! YOU THOUGHT LIFE AND UNDEATH WERE OPPOSITES, WEAKNESSES! BUT THIS PRANA HAS ONLY MADE ME—”

Thankfully his ungodly screaming was interrupted by a tree. Namely, a tree that sprouted under his feet and quickly surrounded him. You watch in awe as the wood envelopes the bones, crushing them to pieces.

The last you see of Rastazanfulbaracha is the dying flames in his skull as the branches close around, extinguishing the flames forevermore. The zombies stop moving about and simply freeze in place.

You let out a sigh of relief.

You shift back into your more ‘normal’ people form and prepare to leisurely make your way to the pods. Until you notice a branch from the still growing tree snag up an immobile zombie. The zombie quickly becomes one with the branch, feeding it further.

The tree still seems to be growing.

Maybe even faster.

You should probably hurry.

The walk become a jog, then a run as you hear the intense creaking of a tree growing exponentially faster. You’d be okay with increased girth and length, but not in this situation!

The cave rumbles as the roots burrow through the ground. You high tail it out of there, rushing into the pod room.

”Dammit Cloth, Tropo, Latch! Where are you?!”

With bursts of shadow, your three imps appear. Woah, looks like you can summon your demons instantly. You burst into the room where a bunch of balding minotaurs and equints are helping each other to their feet.

”No time to explain!” You yell as you will your imps to release the rest out of their pods. “We’ve got to get out of here, NOW!”

Keli and Gallo’s eyes widen and they nod. You fly to the uppermost pods, freeing who you can as the rumbling increases in intensity. Finally, everybody is on their feet and you all start hoofing it towards the exit.

“Is Rastazanfulbaracha dead?” Keli asks as you gallop.

”Yes! Eaten by a very fast tree!”

She stumbles.

“A…Tree?”

Roots burst from the ground behind you and some people scream.

“A tree!” Gallo confirms.

All of you stop by the lip of the cavern, overlooking all the gold. How are you going to get across? The cavern rumbles and massive stalactites fall from the ceiling as roots rope around them.

There is now a clear path to the exit.

”Neat!” You point.

“Convenient!” Agrees Gallo.

“Trap?” Cautions Keli.

The three of you look back to the rumbling wall of wood.

”Worth it!” You yell as you lead ahead, leaping from stalactite to stalactite. You make sure to will your imps to carry the weaker, slower ones head and come back for others as they make the crossing. Everybody rushes out into the tunnel and after a few terrifying seconds of running, you all reach the outside, welcomed by a sunset.

“Well, it was a rough going, but we’ve accomplished our mission. The necromancer, Rastazanfulbaracha, is no more!” Gallo declares.

A few people listening to us cheered, but the rest were too busy catching their breath.

“It’s too bad about the cave. I could spot quite a few ores, even discounting all the gold.” Keli grumbles.

The rumbling starts again and a massive tree burst out from the plateau. Gold coins and blue liquid rains from the skies, healing the emancipated victims somewhat as the grass around you grows greener and denser. A massive root bursts out of the side of the plateau, and water flows after it. Makes sense: A mother dragon and her babies lived there for a while, and there was no reservoir of water in sight.

The newly formed river gushes forward, disappearing into the horizon. The tree slows and finally stops growing, touching the sparse clouds. Everyone is just too dumbfounded to react.

Seriously though, you are considering yourself super lucky that it ends so well for everyone. Even if you don’t know if there were more pods in there. You don’t want to think about that, but you think you know.

Gallo smiles, oblivious to the possibilities.

“Let’s return to Chanam, shall we? We can escort these others to their villages once they’re in top form.”

You nod, silent. You may have accidentally slaughtered a bunch of people in your stupid attempt to kill Rastazanfulbaracha.

Keli pats your shoulder.

“Are you okay?”

You try a smile.

”Nothing you need to worry about.”

“Come on, Quinn.”

You frown but you decide to talk about your problems.

”Keli…I don’t think I saved everyone. There were more hallways, but I couldn’t check them all. With that stupid attempt to kill Rastazan, I may have caused a lot of collateral damage. I’m just thinking—”

You are interrupted by a hug.

“Quinn…thank you. You went above and beyond your duties, and have shown me there’s more to seeing things as easily as equints and demons.”

A nearby minotaur huffs.

“And minotaurs. Good and evil isn’t restricted to species. As for the collateral…I have a feeling that as long as they aren’t in Rastazanfulbaracha’s grasp, their souls can rest easy.”

The minotaur approaches you.

“You are the one that defeated the necromancer?”

You nod apprehensively.

The minotaur bows low.

“Thank you. Being in those pods was a fate worse than death. There were no dreams, no awareness. Just moments of lucidity filled with panic and pain. If there are others you couldn’t save, they are in a better place.”

He looks over the now green plains.

“Not to mention how fertile the Plains look now. Our villagers will be sure to return to harvest the gold from the plateau.”

He chuckles.

“In fact, we may even move there!”

The rest of the way to Chanam gets progressively louder as the sun disappears. The air of despair that once hung as heavy as the harsh sunlight dissipated, leaving a crowd of happy people. Not to mention the cheering that rose up when you all trotted into Chanam. You, Keli, and Gallo are taken up by the people and carried about.

That’s when Trepidik broke out the liquor.

The celebration escalated from there and you got swept up in the giddiness. Your previous doubts wash away and you begin to look at the good. You’ve saved a hundred and sixty prisoners, as well as countless villages. You’ve brought life back to the plains. You’ve brought riches and resources.

All in all, ya done good kid.

So you go a little crazy.

Not too crazy. You let yourself get groped, kiss a few guys and gals, and rub yourself provocatively. But nothing like public sex or masturbation. Though it did get pretty close with Trepidik. You gotr enough energy out of him to heal his head injury. Which turned out to not affect his speech at all, though he was a lot more prudish.

The DESIRE from this celebration seeps into you.

You spot Gallo, completely sober, milling about nervously. Keli is trying to inch her way towards him. Maybe you should just let them be.

…

Or you could accelerate the process. You head over to Gallo and pull him into a tent.

“Time to discuss payment. Remember the clauses that said you’d pay me in both wages and DESIRE lost?”

“I can get the gems ready. But how do I pay you in desire?”

You lean close to him and smile. Your cloak drops away, revealing yourself to him.

”Through sex.”

Gallo blushes and stammers.

All the while, you keep track of the increasingly aggressive soul outside the tent.

”Of course it doesn’t have to be with me. It can be with any girl (or guy) willing to do the deed with either you or I.”

Keli hesitates. You turn your head towards the tent flap and smile. Gallo follows your gaze quizzically.

”Of course, if you do it with me, it will be absolutely amazing. No other girl would satisfy you.”

Keli burst through the flap and stumbles.

“Heeeeey…”Her voice cracks as she tries to strike a casual pose. “Do you two need me for anything? After all that mess, I could do, erm, anything as a thank you.”

Cyute.

”Well, there is one thing…” You say as Gallo’s face burns red.