Chapter 64

[CW: Violence, Transphobia]

I struggled against the Praevus’s grip as he tightened his gloved hand around my face, keeping me from shouting. Even as my teeth sunk into the leather, the man didn’t flinch. The blade against my throat had disappeared, but Praevus Emver had yet to let me go. I shoved and fought against him, elbows, hands and feet jabbing against his armor. Yet his grip on me never budged.

Why? Why are you doing this, Camilla?

The sorceress sat calmly in the grass ahead as several sentinels bound and blinded her. It made no sense. Sure, I’d grown fond of her, and her of I. That much was obvious. Yet we’d known each other for barely even a couple of weeks. Why trust the Praevus at his word? Why sacrifice herself for my, Lena, and Rosetta’s sake? Even given all that had occurred, she truthfully barely knew us. So why..?

As the sentinels finished their job, the Praevus’s grip finally loosened.

“Keep the lady and her maid bound for now. We’ll escort them back to their estate momentarily. I’m sure young Lena’s parents will be ecstatic to see her. As for Pearl,” he paused. My breath caught, fearing that this was the moment the charade would end. Even if I couldn’t see his face, I could hear the mirthful smirk as he said, “As promised, I’ll release her.”

Emver gave me a shove, causing me to stumble forward, tripping to the ground. Rolling to the side, I skidded along the grass and sucked in a heavy gasping breath. Then with some effort, my arms pushed me back up and onto a knee.

“None of my men will bring her harm,” he continued, the command stated loud and clear for all to hear. “Though I of course have no control over what may befall her otherwise.”

Despite my hands being still bound together, I struggled my way up onto shaky feet and gave the Praevus a confused glance, only to see him looking off toward the forest. I followed his gaze, blinking in surprise as Silas strolled out. The boy’s wide grin and dark eyes were leveled directly onto me.

My words came tumbling out. “What? Silas? What are you—”

“You didn’t think I’d miss the most exciting thing to ever happen in this little nothing town, did you Felix?” he said, continuing forward in my direction. His casual use of my name made me wince. I’d gotten much too used to being called Pearl.

Off to the side, I watched as Camilla tried to stand, only to fail. “This wasn’t part of the deal, Emver.”

I watched in horror as one of the sentinels raised his mace, smashing it into the back of her head.

“Camilla!”

The sorceress fell, collapsing against the ground like a lifeless doll.

My first step turned into a trip, but I quickly gathered my balance. The stumble forward shifted into a jog and then a full run.

I was caught completely off guard as a hand gripped my arm and yanked me back. Turning, I came face to face with Silas.

The boy stared down at me with menacing eyes. “You should worry about yourself first,” he sneered.

“Let me go!”

I yanked myself from his grasp, stumbling backward, only for him to grab me once again. Turning, I took another step toward Camilla. Something hard struck into my side and a yelp slipped from my lips.

“Don’t make this more difficult than it needs to be,” Silas growled, pulling me back around.

My hands balled into fists. Despite being bound together and with as much might as I could manage, I swung them toward his stomach. His own arms blocked my own, and I thrust a kick toward the side of his heel in exchange.

“Let go!” I shouted once more.

“Fine,” he muttered.

To my surprise, he released me.

I didn’t see his fist until it was already connecting with my jaw.

My body hit the grass moments after. A piercing ache throbbed along half of my face, and I let out a groan. As I pushed myself up, another bout of nausea and vertigo overtook me, as though continuing from earlier. The world once more spun as Silas pulled me back to my feet. I was barely able to stand, much less fight him as he dragged me into the forest.

By the time I was able to regain my balance and bearings, we’d moved some unknown distance from the clearing. Silas unsheathed the sword from his hip, and a squeak of fear betrayed me.

“Hold still,” he said, one hand still gripped tightly around my arm.

Before his words had even caught up with me, he’d already cut through rope tying my hands together. Had the jerk wanted me dead, I would be. With a heavy shove, he pushed me away and against a thick tree to my back. My hands scraped painfully against the bark, bleeding from all the falls and hits they’d already taken.

“W-what are you—” I began, only to be interrupted.

“I’ll admit, I’d imagined things going rather differently.” I stared at him, his sword gripped tightly at his side. Our eyes met. Then he smirked at my confused look. “I suppose he wouldn’t have told you. The Praevus and I made a deal, you see. I’d pressure you to do his bidding, and then help tip the ridiculous rebels here as to where the explosives were kept. And in exchange, he’d give me you.” Silas gestured, as though it all made sense.

“Me?” I asked, completely baffled. “Why would you want—” I shook my head. None of this mattered. I had to get back to Camilla. Somehow. There just had to be some way to save her, as well as Lena and Rosetta. I wouldn’t let Camilla sacrifice herself for my sake. Not like this.

With a jolt, I hopped forward off the tree, only for the flat tip of his blade to press up against my chin.

“I’d advise you to stand still,” he said. “You asked why I would want you? I asked myself that question as well, and the Praevus. Why would I want you? But then I thought about it, stayed up half the night pondering it. You were always the one in my way, Felix, always the one standing between me and what I wanted most in this garbage little town.”

I stared at him, waiting for wherever he was seemingly going with this.

Silas’s lips twisted into a scowl. “It’s Lena, you idiot. Do I really need to spell it out for you? Did you think I went through all the work to make our engagement happen for no reason? I love her!”

“You—what—?” I spluttered. There was no way Silas of all people actually loved Lena. He barely even knew anything about her! I struggled to think the boy could love anyone.

“I’m not done,” he growled at my interruption, stepping toward me, his blade never leaving from beneath my chin.  “No matter how much I tried to woo her, to win her heart, nothing ever worked. Whether I showered her in gifts, expressed my adoration and kindness, or even tried a heavier approach, she never wanted anything to do with me. All she ever wanted was you.”

I opened my mouth to respond. Instead he turned the blade, stepping forward once more until he was nearly in my face. The point of his short sword now pressed just above my neck. How had I ended up in this sort of situation again after just barely escaping the last?

“But then you decided you wanted to be a girl,” he sneered. I couldn’t help but grimace. “And the Praevus opened my eyes to what a grand opportunity this could become for me. There’s just one thing I still haven’t decided—one problem that needs to be resolved. Are you truly the girl you’ve been pretending to be? Or is it just that, a false pretense? The Praevus certainly treated you like a woman when he spoke of you. Seemed to think you’d make a fantastic whore, in fact.” The comment made me scowl and grit my teeth.

Silas leaned back. “And so I had to as myself, what is it that makes someone a man or a woman? It’s a difficult question, truly. Certainly something that I’m sure greatest minds in the Empire have on occasion pondered. I thought that perhaps I’d need to somehow solve the question myself, and with little time to do so. Are you Felix or Pearl? How could I possibly figure it out without ripping you open and then somehow witnessing the nature of your soul?”

As always, Silas loved the sound of his own voice far too much. “Get on with it, would you?” I grumbled. “Where are you going with this?” I very much hoped he wasn’t going through with this ridiculous monologue only to kill me afterwards. There had to be some purpose to it.

Silas scoffed, and dropped the blade to his side. “Don’t run. You won’t like it if I have to chase you down.” As the boy turned, I was tempted to do just that. But the threat held me indecisively in place long enough for him to walk several paces back. He bent down, picking up another sword that had been hiding in the grass.

“Perhaps I’ll never truly know. Or perhaps, time will be the ultimate judge. I don’t truly need to decide now.” He turned toward me, giving me an eerie smile. “After all, this will be the first test, the first of either one or many.”

The first test? I eyed him nervously. Just what in the names of all the gods was he talking about?

“I give you a choice, little ‘maid.’” With a toss, the sword flew through the air, tumbling to a halt just in front of my feet. “Either pick up that blade and fight me to the death, or submit to me—become my maid and concubine, and prove that you’re the helpless maid you’ve been dressing as.”

What.

What kind of absurd choice was that?! Had Silas completely lost his mind?

“Y-you—you’re mad. You’re insane!”

“Maybe,” he said with a shrug. “But either way, I get what I want. A plaything or a dead rival. And you don’t,” he sneered.

This is ridiculous!

“Do you really think this is the way to Lena’s heart? This?!” I gestured down at the sword, as though it could express my complete incredulity.

“Things were never going to end well between you and I, Felix. I’m sure even Lena could see that. She will come around with time. She’ll be my wife, after all.” He shrugged once more. “With this at least, I’m giving you a choice to your fate—even if it’s a false one. I struggle to imagine that a man would ever choose becoming a whore over taking an honorable death. So tell me, which are you? Felix the man or Pearl the maid? The knight or the helpless damsel?” He pointed his sword toward me once more, but this time in challenge. “What’s your answer?”

My hands clenched into fists as my teeth threatened to grind themselves to dust. What an irredeemable bastard. He really did know nothing at all about Lena, or even about women.

“You’re an idiot, Silas.”

I bent down, hands visibly shaking as I gripped the sword’s hilt. As if something as ridiculous as all of this could determine who I am. Slowly, I righted myself, meeting his eyes.

Silas frowned. “I’ll admit, I’m a bit disappointed. I was looking forward to how a former boy might be in the sheets. Though I suppose I’m not truly surprised, Felix.”

I winced and my grip tightened. Even here at what was assuredly the end for me, I hated being called that—hated being seen as a boy. How different might my life have been had I been born a girl instead? I supposed I’d never know.

My feet shifted beneath me as I tried to remember the stance that Lena had taught me. It wouldn’t be enough, I knew that. Yet I still had to try.

Was this the right choice? I truthfully wasn’t sure. Maybe I should have sucked up my pride and pretended to surrender to him. I could have waited for the right moment to run. But I knew that I’d never be able to outrun him. For better or worse this was the decision I’d made. It was the only one that felt right.

Silas, of course, never knew when to stop talking. “You know, this reminds me of when we were children, in a way. Do you remember that time when you came strutting down the streets in a dress? I suppose even then some hopeless part of you wanted to be a girl.”

I shuddered out a heavy breath, trying and failing to ignore his words.

“Shut up,” I muttered.

He let out a laugh. “What’s wrong, Felix? Is this perhaps a sensitive subject for you?” he sneered. “Well, I’m waiting. I’ll give you one chance to best me. Perhaps you’ll get lucky. That or die like the weak and useless man you are at heart.”

My lips pressed tightly together, holding back the comeback I very much wanted to give. Instead, I took a step forward. Then another.

Silas waited almost impassively, a stupid smirk still on his face. It took barely two seconds for his patience to run thin. “Well? Make your move. Or are you too much of a girl to fight me after all? You certainly don’t look much like a man anymore.”

“I said shut up!” I yelled back, before jumping forward toward him.

What gave him the right to just decide who I was?

With both hands, I swung, putting as much might as I could behind it. Mid swing, I realized that I’d completely abandoned the stance Lena had shown me. Not that it mattered now.

His blade clashed against my own, though not in the way that I would have imagined. Rather than halting it, he slid my heavy swing aside, stepping around me. With a pull, the sword slipped completely out of my hands, flying off to the right. Then a hand grabbed me, giving me a shove that had me falling once more to the ground.

I turned to face the ground, and my bloodied hands halted my fall. Then I twisted onto my back with a roll. Silas stood above me, his steady blade ready to pierce through my heart.

“Well, I suppose this is it then. It’s too bad; I’m sure you’d have made a nice whore,” he said with a dark chuckle.

I scowled up at him, waiting for him to make his move and praying that I’d be able to roll and dodge it. Though I knew that I wouldn’t. One way or another this was the end for me. Strangely, that wasn’t what truly grated my heart, however. Rather than my impending death, my thoughts drifted elsewhere.

Of all people, why should he get to decide who I was? What did it matter if I chose to fight or not? What made him of all people the expert, the authority on whether I was man or woman? What made him so certain he could figure it out?

To my surprise, rather than simply killing me, Silas continued, “My one question, the one thing that I never could understand is what could possibly bring you to want to even pretend to be a woman? Just the idea of choosing to do such a thing baffles me. What could you possibly get out of it? Why would any man ever willingly dress and behave like some girly maid?”

My thoughts drifted back, not to when I first dressed as a maid at Lena’s estate, but to all those nights wishing and dreaming that somehow I’d magically wake up the next morning as a girl. Why was I like this? I wish I had an answer for him. Not for his sake, but for my own. What was it about womanhood that made me dream of being a girl or woman for so many years?

Then I thought back to the childhood memory that he’d mentioned—of him and two other boys chasing me through the streets, taunting me, tackling me into the mud. They had no issues calling me a girl then. Or for months after. For years, I had suppressed my desire, despised it, even. But even all that growing shame had never truly rid me of it.

Silas glared, my lack of response clearly annoying him. “I suppose it doesn’t matter, does it? We all can’t help what we really are inside, can we? No matter how much you liked to pretend, you couldn’t help but show your true colors in the end. Goodbye, Felix.”

I should have been terrified—overcome with fear and dread. But I’d already accepted my death. I wasn’t sure that I’d ever truly lived.

Instead, I just wanted to scoff at him. It was clear Silas knew nothing on what made men and women different. He was no expert. Perhaps no one was. It made me wonder—if his opinion didn’t matter, whose did? We all changed over time, in mind, body, and even spirit. The way we saw ourselves and each other—perhaps we were all to some extent making it all up as we went along. What did it even mean to be a man or woman? Did it mean anything, ultimately?

Silas raised his blade. I held my breath.

And then, I decided—for the brief moment before my assured end, I would be the woman that I always dreamed of being. Not for Lena or Camilla. Not for my father. Not for any or all of the random people out there in the world, and most assuredly not for Silas.

But for myself. The me that I always wanted to be.

Woman. Maid. Sorceress.

Pearl.

If the world didn’t like it, they could argue with my corpse.

My eyes drifted closed, and I felt the tip of Sila’s blade as it pierced into my skin. Time, somehow, slowed to a crawl, almost pausing completely.

I felt something deep inside my being crack. The core that I’d spent so much time searching for felt as tangible to me now as my hand or elbow.

Silas’s blade sunk in enough to meet my ribs—as slowly as a snail crawling across my skin. Then my core, my body, and the world surrounding me violently shattered.

And I screamed.