Chapter 117. Previous Discussion / Autopsy

Inside my room, with Pansy sitting just beside me with her own chair at my desk I hurriedly had my robes spit out the small body of the Blast ended skrewt. I placed it down at my desk, and rubbed my mouth with my now sealed up hand (thanks to Madam Pomfrey), helping to offset my anxiety. I held Pansy’s hand and we both looked at each other, the panic of having my blood be poisonous bringing even more worry to me. It was documented that even a humanoid werewolf could slightly infect others by getting saliva into their open wounds, now I might have to worry of my blood being even more dangerous.

“Pansy… If… If this-” I started, unsure where my words may take me, but Pansy cut me off, resting her hands on either side of cheeks. “I won’t care... Do you hear me? It won’t matter to me in the least.” She said, her eyes burning with conviction, making me wince. The fear I had been carrying for years trembled with her words, the knowledge that if she could accept me for this, then she may still see me as myself rather than a monster. “Lucas…!?” Pansy suddenly asked, and I suddenly felt warm water drift down from my eyes. She reached her thumbs up to wipe away the silent tears while worry filled her gaze.

I couldn’t help but scoff, shaking my head while pulling her hands back down, gripping them gently between mine. “Sorry…” I sniffed keeping my nose from leaking as I smiled, looking down at her hands enveloped in mine. “I just…” I coughed, shaking my head with a smile I couldn’t be rid of. “I knew that… I’ve known that… I- I just…” I trailed off, Pansy silently taking her hands back to wrangle them around my head and neck. She gently took my head and buried it into her shoulder, using one hand to rub my back while keeping the other to make sure I wouldn’t move.

***

Pansy took a deep breath, she had never seen Lucas like this before. The closest was the day after he watched that unicorn die. But by then, he had gotten most of his emotions out. “Whatever it is… We’ll get through it together…” Pansy muttered, feeling a slight warmth pool on her shoulder as Lucas remained completely silent in her embrace.

She frowned, this was the best she could do in recourse of her previous selfish actions. While Lucas was left to suffer in his own guilt and fear of her and her rejection of him for whatever he was hiding; she thoughtlessly played with his feelings to make sure he wouldn’t leave her. “I’m always here when you need me…” She whispered into his ear, letting him nod into her shoulder as her embrace protected him from his own disparaging thoughts.

She wouldn’t lose him to anything, and as much as she knew Lucas wanted to believe it, there was no way for her to prove it to him all at once. Perhaps Hermione, Luna, or Chiara knew, but that didn’t matter to Pansy at all. What troubled him was real, it weighed him down to keep it from her, but his own fears held him back. He didn’t seem to have that same fear when it came to them as her. Just hearing the sniffle that sometimes sharply gasped from him, made her heart stir. She was the one that he worried about the most of her rejection. Simultaneous affection and concern wracked her mind, she felt bad for him, but a portion still enjoyed him needing to lean on her. She would always be there for him when he needed her.

***

After I had gotten everything out of my system, I slowly rose from Pansy’s shoulder, and looked at her hopeful smile. I sniffled one last time, drying my eyes before realizing her robes must be wet. “I can dry-” I was about to reach for my wand, only to have Pansy grasp my arm to stop me, her calming smile helping to reassure me. “It’s okay… Just do what you need to do.” She nodded, glancing at my desk with the still curled skrewt lying on its wooden frame.

We both stared into one another, her warm gaze still looking at me with nothing but sincerity, threatening to have me outburst my most feared secret. “Right…” I quickly looked away, my face turning a deeper and deeper crimson. The last few chains of my anxiety holding me back, but with the knowledge that if she did accept me, there would be nothing more in-between us to halter our closeness.

***

I thought back to my mother during the summer, unsubtly speaking about Pansy. “Lucas?” She asked, knocking on my door as I was working on my robe. “Yes, mother?” I asked, quickly stashing the robe as the curtains of my room as I almost threw my books open to fake the idea of me studying the normal curriculum. She opened the door, gently closing it behind her before taking a stand near my bed. “Lucas, we need to talk.” She started, taking a seat at the end of my bed before patting a spot beside her.

I squinted in fear, my worries of her perhaps hearing rumors of me being close with those of lower status crossed my mind. I eased them by acknowledging the fact that my father wasn’t present, hoping I was right as I silently walked over and sat where she asked me to. “What is it mother?” I asked as innocently as I could, watching her slightly anxious expression. She looked forward, glancing at me from time to time, before taking a deep breath to steady herself for what she was about to say.

“Lucas… How do you feel about Pansy?” I blinked a few times at her strange question that seemed obvious to my mind. “I like her?” I hedged, wondering where she was going. My mother scoffed before reigning in her smile and shaking her head. “Of course, but I meant as a girl.” I instantly froze, suddenly understanding the roadmap of this conversation. “Um…” I started, unsure what else to say, but my mother hurriedly continued. “Because at your age that is completely normal!”

I meekly nodded my head, not wanting to say a word of this awkward atmosphere. “I want you to know… that it is fine to do ‘those’ things with her.” She carefully spoke, tip-toeing around using any vulgar language. I blinked a few times in shock, finally looking at my mother’s expression to see she was serious. “What?” I asked, my complete confusion forcing the word out of my mouth.

My mother nodded, awkwardly smiling at me to help defuse any tension. She brought her hands together, rubbing them against one another for a moment before clapping them once. “You are getting to the age where it is completely normal to see girls in a different light…” I shook my head at her, too shameful at the flashing images that sparked in my mind with each girl I had been close to. “W-Why are you condoning such actions with…” I trailed off, unable to even mutter her name, all of the times we had been so close with one another bubbling in my mind with a different light.

My mother sighed, slowly nodding at my pertinent question. “Both your father and I held off on telling you this as you were too young, but… I believe it is time for you to know.” I snapped my head to her, wide eyed with her beginning the conversation of my cursed blood. I wondered how she might explain her thoughts on the matter, how she wanted me to see myself. However, her next words sank any hope of that conversation. “Pureblooded society is dwindling…” I frowned in confusion, squinting my eyes at her stern expression.

“Our numbers are faltering, the number of pureblooded children like yourself are dwindling…” She spoke in an almost whisper, her words seemingly taboo to say. I opened my mouth to speak of something, but empty air was all that escaped my lips. My mother nodded at me, finishing her explanation. “Pansy Parkinson is a very good girl. Just as you are good in her parent’s eyes… Do you understand?”

***

Unfortunately for me, I truly did understand. Back in the moment, with Pansy holding my arm, the memory I had successfully hid in the back of my mind had now resurfaced in light of her undying loyalty. If she did accept all of me, then there would truly be nothing to stop us. Both of our families were almost expecting us at this point, my mother going so far as to say that in light of Pansy becoming pregnant, her and Pansy’s mother would be happy to take care of our child while we both remained at school; a trend quickly becoming a popular talking point amongst pure-blooded parents nowadays.

I took a deep breath, shaking away the growing desire inside of me. “Lucas? Is everything alright?” Pansy asked, leaning a bit forward to get a better look at my burning face. I looked away from her in shame, scared that I might divulge into lust before saying what I needed to. I wouldn’t forgive myself for hiding the truth of my cursed existence for my own desires, something I just reprimanded Pansy for doing just last year. With that sobering idea in my mind, I nodded my head at her. “Sorry, I just lost track of my own mind.”

It wasn’t long after that, I began the autopsy on the small creature, needing to know what exactly it died from. The guts and putrid smell helped offset the previous atmosphere, purging the vulgar thoughts from my mind as more important ones filled their place. The cut open creature had much to discover inside its body, so much that I found myself studying it.

Its entire body was a mirror of itself, right down the center of its body, cut in half there was no difference between either side at first glance. Its brain was near the top portion of its ‘back’ as best to describe it, spread all along thinly across its entire body. Under it was another thin but strong tissue to keep the brain secure at the top, and below that laid most of the digestive system. The creature had two stomachs, lungs, and rectums; mirrored on each side. It’s singular heart in the center, tucked in amongst the rest of its organs.

However, there also laid another two sacks on the bottom of the creature, a larger organ that I couldn’t describe as anything else but the cause of the creatures sometimes sending out puffs of fire from either end. ‘Maybe I can learn how they are doing this…’ I pondered, only to be taken out of my thoughts from the tug on my sleeve. “Well…? What happened to it?” I glanced to my right, seeing Pansy’s slightly nauseous expression, holding herself together the best she could to stay by my side in comforting me. I coughed, unable to tell her I was almost enjoying learning of the (basically) non-intelligent creature.

I instead, looked back at its long sucker at the end of one of its tails. The crimson liquid of my own blood showcased through the creature as they pooled in its lungs, a small detour of the stomach where it hoped to flow before being frozen mid breath. I let out a relieved sigh, nodding my head while my smile grew at the sight. Pansy looked at me, her own smile growing at the sight of mine. “It just choked.” I said with a smile of relief at my own blood not being toxic. “Oh thank Merlin!” Pansy cheered, hugging me tightly as my slightly bloodied hands were left in the air behind her, not wanting to sully her as she spoke. “That makes things easier for us in the future.” She sighed with relief, her words proving she wouldn’t leave me even if our worries proved to be true, the same desire slowly rattling in the back of my mind once again at her readiness to accept me.