Chapter 124. In Which I Do Not People Well
I have expected a return trip to our own estate to begin shortly... but I am waylaid again, and this time the guilty party is Eleanor. Who is Louise's elder sister. The naming throws me off because barring the viscount himself, whose given name I simply did not remember, the rest of la Vallieres match their anime analogs by name, but drastically differ in everything else. To wit, Karin is not infamous for her martial prowess, Eleanor is not a bitch and Cattleya is not sick. Rather, Karin has some modest fame as a healer and herbalist, Eleanor is well known as a grand amateur and patron of cooks and Cattleya is apparently an aspiring knight. Louise is well-adjusted, if timid, have had inherited an interest in art from Karin (and to my admittedly not so expertly consideration, seems to have a lot more of a talent for it than her mother) and certainly does not match any expectations one would have from anime in question. Too bad that my attempts to convey that much to self-proclaimed Brimir ended in abject failure. Anyway, Eleanor. Who... Apparently wants ME to put in a good word with my mother for some reason because she seems to believe mom can aid her with some undefined cosmetic issues.
"I'm sorry, but what are you talking about?" - I tell her - "You don't exactly seem to be lacking in appearances." Not exactly to my taste, I prefer slimmer girls, but to anyone who appreciates full-bodied women, Eleanor would hit pretty close to the golden standard.
"Ohoho, my thanks for the compliment!" - she responds jovially - "However, it is not for myself that I ask. Rather, it is on behalf of a friend of mine."
"And what is the issue that friend of yours needs help with?" - I press her - "The more I have to tell my mother, the better the chances are she would know what to advise, after all."
Eleanor is surprisingly reluctant to divulge details but finally cracks after a few more entreaties, admitting that the issue seems to be unwanted hair. She is even more reluctant to say who the friend is, for some reason.
"What exactly is the problem?" - I offer finally - "I find myself less than enthused about running errands on behalf of someone I don't even know. And honestly, if excessive hair is the problem, then all I have to do is look around in the Academy to find out who they really are."
"Surely you would not deny a lady a bit of mystique?" - Eleanor wheedles.
"Considering hashishins are after me? Yes, yes I would. In a heartbeat." - I bite back, making her recoil and blink.
"...Certainly you do not suspect me of being a hashishin, now do you?" - she comes back with a retort, but I do notice a considerable drop in confidence as she does so.
"You personally, no. However, I do entertain the possibility of your friend being fooled, coerced, blackmailed or otherwise enticed to cooperate with hashishins. The unwillingness to tell me who it is does raise my suspicions quite a bit." - I explain. This is, strictly speaking, a misdirection because I have rather comprehensively beheaded hashishins as an organization a while ago and wholly expect the survivors to retreat back to Sultanate to try and rebuild themselves. Or finish exterminating themselves in suicidal attacks on me, that is. As far as I understand their modus operandi, the average hashishin was trained to mingle with commoners and avoid nobles unless explicitly ordered to. And I have had killed everyone who possibly could have had the rank and influence to lean on nobles in Champagne in their order.
Eleanor heaves a sign. "I see." - she says curtly - "My apologies for bothering you, then."
"You DO realize I will now put my rather considerable resources towards finding out whom exactly your anonymous friend is, right?" - I quip at her - "At this juncture, the very fact they desired to approach me and mine while keeping their identity secret is suspicious enough for me to pry regardless of how successful your brokerage on their behalf was."
"Said friend has NO idea I was trying to parley on her behalf." - she hisses back - "So I daresay you shall find no grand conspiracy there."
"...So, to put things simply, you have endeavored to solicit an assistance with an embarrassing appearance problem for someone who has no idea about your assistance?" - I sum up - "Leading up to your friend suddenly receiving completely sudden communique from duchess Gillespie regarding ways to remedy an embarrassing appearance problem? And nothing about this seems odd or... politically incautious to you?"
She pinks, then purples. "Gods, no!" - she then not quite shouts - "Is there ANYONE or ANYTHING you are not suspicious of? If you must know, I have intended to receive the advice myself and pass it to my friend in the privacy of a personal visit."
"Good, now what is the name of that person? If they have no idea you are asking on their behalf, letting me know who is to benefit from our actions should not be any problem. Unless you have different reasons for keeping their identity secret?" - I press her. The way she is obstinate about identity makes me think there IS something to be suspicious about.
"Lady Gillespie, I formally request that you vacate the topic." - she grits out - "I have made a grave mistake in trying to solicit your assistance and I shall not approach you or your family for it henceforth."
"What are they blackmailing you with?" - I demand bluntly - "There is literally no reason for you to withhold their name unless they have promised unpleasant consequences for you for doing so. Oh, and you might keep in mind that I AM fluent enough in light magic to detect lies. So yes, I know you lied about your friend not knowing you intend to, ahem, parley on their behalf, as it were."
Given the way she jerks back and glares at me, extra pressure is needed. So I continue, talking over whatever she tried to object with - "Actually, nevermind, I'll just talk to your father about you being blackmailed. I imagine he would find information important."
"I AM NOT BEING BLACKMAILED!" - she shrieks indignantly - "Gods, you're infuriating! I am just trying to look out for my friend! Why is that so hard to grasp? What kind of ghouls are you cavorting with if you see only sin in every single sentiment you witness!?"
"There is NO benefit in keeping the name of your friend from me unless you were forced to maintain silence on the topic." - I riposte logically - "Think about it. You could dispel every suspicion simply by saying who desires an advice. Instead, you evade and even outright LIE for them. Why would you do that, if not under coercion to? It should be blatantly obvious to anyone smarter than a hare that at this point, the next thing that WOULD happen is me talking to your father and consequently viscount simply ordering you to divulge the name. Or consigning you to house arrest if you still prove yourself to be recalcitrant because at this point we both would entertain entirely reasonable suspicions that you're being forced to act against our interests. The next step would be investigating every single one of your friends until we pinpoint the one who is putting you to this."
"Have you considered the simple alternative of me being reluctant to name my friend simply to protect them from your attentions?" - she demands frostily.
"Good gods, no. That would be an asinine thing to do. I'm fantastically busy as it is. The last thing I want is to hound people who want our advice." - I brush her suggestion off. Honestly, who does she think I am? Ambercrombe? Aaaand apparently this is the root of the problem because Eleanor is doing a rather faithful imitation of fish out of the water right now.
"So. Do you want to tell me the name at last, or we're going to involve your father after all?" - I push - "Honestly, if I were you, I'd go for the first, but it's your life. If you want under house arrest for a while, don't let me stop you."
"Asinine!? How dare you! You, this... just... AGH! To stand there and have the gall to claim you'd help Elaine as if you were not snubbing her for months!" - Eleanor explodes suddenly, clamping her palms over her mouth once she realizes what she blurted out.
Huh. That's actually pretty amusing. She was asking for de Braltar's daughter, then? Well, then. Let's just cut this gordian knot. For reasons that are many, Elaine was offered a chance to buy a tablet as soon as I started stamping them out, along with the chairs she ordered from Lemand, and she took the offer gleefully. So I simply pull out my own tablet, select Elaine de Braltar out of the list and wait for her to pick up, turning up the volume on my own tablet for Eleanor's benefit. Who is, once again, doing her fish out of water impersonation, though I'm not sure what this is about, now.
"...Yes, what is that you want, Alyssa?" - Elaine's voice comes out of the tablet suddenly - "I've only just settled for an afternoon nap."
"A little birdie named Eleanor told me you need a method of dealing with unwanted hair, or at least she thinks you do?" - I suggest mildly. Judging by the clatter, Elaine had just dropped her tablet.
"SHE WHAT?!" - she roars afterward, a long pause taking place before she sighs tiredly - "...damnation. I... suppose I could use something of the sort. I just wish Eleanor was not quite so incautious in her solicitations."
"To be entirely fair, I had to push her quite a lot to make her talk." - I explain - "She was under an impression I would refuse to help specifically you for some reason."
Elaine sighs again on her end. "My apologies." - she then says tiredly - "We exchange letters by pigeon, and I simply had no time to write one after our meeting. I was saving it for a personal meeting later, it is rather big news after all. Witnessing the first successful consumption cure and all that."
"Fair enough. Since la Vallieres are our direct allies, I think no one would see it as odd if I just give a tablet to the viscount. I'll drop you a line when it happens so you could just call him and ask for Eleanor and have your conversation." - I suggest.
"...Actually, can I just buy a tablet for Eleanor?" - Elaine requests suddenly - "I presume you are right now at la Valliere estate, correct? Please give Eleanor her own tablet, I will reimburse your costs as soon as we meet or when Academy starts up again, whichever happens sooner."
"That good of a friend?" - I quip sardonically.
"The best." - Elaine is surprisingly sappy, and Eleanor pinks up heavily at that little bit. Were they close? Elaine is on the third year of Academy and Eleanor is a year over her, so last year they were both in Academy.
"Elaine, this, just... how!?" - Eleanor suddenly finds her voice - "What HAPPENED!? Why... just..."
"I assume you're talking about unexpected amiability between myself and maiden Gillespie, right?" - Elaine cuts to the chase wryly - "To sum it up, it turns out that my attempts to connect with her in the Academy were sabotaged by someone foolish meaning well. It does not help that Alyssa is an odd goose among the ducks, if you pardon the fowl metaphor. I assumed things, she assumed different things, we butted heads, I came off distinctly worse. Not going to cover it up, I cried ugly. Thankfully, things came out in the same time and we were able to talk it over thanks to my father. Since then, Alyssa had let me in on some historic events and we reached a new understanding. I don't try to treat her like an average noblewoman and she does not rip my head off. Metaphorically speaking, though I am not convinced she could not do it for real if given a reason."
"She's... certainly abrasive." - Eleanor agrees gloomily, glaring in my direction.
"Talk to her like you'd talk to a wealthy merchant." - Elaine gives surprisingly rational advice - "Because that's who she is, strictly speaking. She does not care about courtly politics as far as I can tell and considers everyone she interacts with from the viewpoint of profit first and foremost. I'm pretty sure she'd sell swords to someone she is in a blood feud with, if the price was right."
"Still here, Elaine." - I remind her wryly.
She snorts - "Tell me I'm wrong, Alyssa, I dare you."
"Well... You DO exaggerate. If I were to sell swords to someone I have a blood feud with, I'd sell them blunt ones and charge as if they were sharpened. Otherwise, yeah, you're pretty much spot on." - I agree - "I'm going to give Eleanor her tablet now. Just leave the payment in my rooms, I have someone keeping them up, they'll collect it."
"Fair enough." - Elaine agrees without much ado - "Please call me from her tablet, so I'd add it to my favorites."
I... think I was a bit too hasty in introducing that kind of thing, but what is done is done. Oh well. I'll just introduce cars next to thin out the population of people on the phones 24/7. It all works out.
___
I don't think Eleanor was really ready for me. She's certainly frazzled right now. On one hand, the tablet does bring her back to a "very grateful" condition, on the other she is very clearly doing the "I'm reassessing the way I interact with that person from the very roots" mentally and not really liking the results. Though, if what I'm hearing is right, it's less being dissatisfied with the way I am and more being dissatisfied with how she did not figure it out before it almost bit her in the ass. Heh. Funny thing, she does not even realize how close she was to having her head eaten. Because that was seriously in consideration if it turned out she is voluntarily collaborating with someone meaning me and mine harm.
Speaking of which... I have finally pinpointed Klaus v3. It seems that putting the body out of reach is not effective. This might be a version of my own trick of distributive being, but... Klaus certainly does not feel like shoggoth. Other option, and the one I am currently tentatively assuming to be my next working theory, is that real Klaus is holed up somewhere really secure, and the ones I have encountered are remote puppets or clones. I'm leaning towards second, Klaus is too much of a practical bastard NOT to use the ability to seemingly be in several places at once. Wonder how it really works. Is there some kind of template they split a copy of, or real Klaus just body-hops somehow? I wouldn't put it past him to become some sort of parasite just overtaking people and turning them into his next iteration, but me tossing him whole into the ash should have put him in a bind, if that was how it works. Unfortunately, they're being really cagy with the location of the facility they resurrect him in. It's gonna take me a while to narrow down where the fuck it really is.
"...Just... HOW!? Gods witness me, she is a terror an inquisition would be proud to call their own!" - Eleanor shrieks back in the room, waving the brand new tablet around - "...This... I... ARGH! If only you could SEE how she looked at me! As if... as if... as if I'm a DINNER, uuuh!..."
She's... having a bit of a nervous breakdown there, apparently. Good grief. Sometimes I can people good, I guess, and sometimes I just roll snake eyes on all the persuasion rolls. Natural twenties on intimidation checks, tho. Thankfully, Elaine is calm... I SAID CALM! Not commiserating... Argh.
"She did turn into a dragon briefly when confronting me and my father." - Elaine shares from her corner of the world, making an exaggerated sound of shuddering right after - "I... Sorry, darling. I probably terrified you with my cavalier attitude towards her."
Eleanor hiccups. Is she crying over there? Bleh. I think I'm going to leave that problem to Elaine to handle, I don't think Eleanor is going to benefit from my presence in any capacity right now.
"...Scaaaaary." - she drawls, sniffling - "I, just... Is THIS what happens to... No, I mean, just... what is WRONG with her!? She is... feels, well... just barely human at all. I look at her, and, oh gods, this is just... skin-deep. The maiden, she is just the thin surface. The glamour."
"Ely. Listen to me." - Elaine demands strongly - "Do NOT think about her. Do not. This way lies madness. I have confirmed it with prelate Iohann, she is so defiled there is barely anything humane left in her. We are LUCKY she wants and tries to pretend for our sakes. If not for her harem, she would be a consummate monster, and I am not using this word lightly or figuratively. I don't know HOW they stand it. Gods, I probably owe them a lifetime of apologies for how I tried to use them to get at Alyssa. I just... didn't know. Didn't realize that they are all that stands between us and oblivion that is she."
She pauses, hiccups, then continues, her voice cracking - "Let her pretend, Ely. Let yourself be convinced, even if her pretense is thinner than light breeze at times. Believe she is but a maiden because we will NOT like what she is if she is not."