Chapter 120. You dun goosed up good!
I am on my best behavior. As a goose. Or, rather, geese. Since I can not just murderate everyone undesirable in the area, I decide on psychological pressure instead. And therefore, each of my wives aside from Moon Unit is now holding a goose-me, as we all line up to spectate the impending curbstomp. And no one doubts it would be a curbstomp, it's just that Elsinores have this asinine idea Hamlet is the one with the advantage. Though right now, all of them including Hamlet himself are very nervously eyeing my feathery selves. And obviously wanting to make inquiries about this unexpected factor, but not quite daring to disrupt the duel they so painstakingly arranged.
On the piste, Moon Unit is facing off against Hamlet. For some inane reason, elven customs require of each duelist to declare a forbidden type of weapon or element that may not be used by either of them. I have asked Tamaya and Dweezil about it, but their responses were not on topic. And more than a little vulgar. I suppose I should have explained to them that I'm a collection of geese right now to start with. So now Tamaya is massaging her temples and very pointedly not looking in my direction, while Dweezil and Ahmet are passing each other a flask full of rectified brandy (I brought some presents for my extended family, obviously, a casket of newly introduced hard liquor was among them. Call me cynical, but I have surmised my usual shindigs would give Dweezil a lot of reasons to want a tipple.) and periodically shuddering, while again very pointedly not looking in my direction. I'm not sure why talking goose disturbed them this much.
Anyway, forbidden weaponry. Moon Unit called out the short bow as a weapon she would like to be banned. Hamlet made a hammy speech about not really needing to avoid anything, but "in the interests of preserving tradition and out of respect for our law and custom" he is electing to forbid the element of light. Not sure why he picked that one. Pure bravado forbidding the "healing" element to show off how he is not afraid of anything, or he just has some idea that Moon Unit is primarily light-aligned and wants her to be stuck with magics she is less experienced with in his comprehension? On one hand, the second reason is pretty canny, on the other I have no idea if it was actually his decision to begin with and not Polonius giving him sage advice before the fight. Anyway, fight now... and no, he just keeps blathering. What's this now?
"...Why not just surrender this bout, my fair maiden? We both know the outcome, why exert yourself pointlessly. I promise you will not find my attentions lackiii... Iiieargh!" - he begins, cutting himself mid-speech to make a desperate jump to the side as Moon Unit nails him with a spell mid-word. Nasty thing, too. I guess Moon Unit took the "do not use light" a little bit personally because this is a pure darkness attack. AOE attack at that, what she hurls towards Hamlet is basically a cloud of entropy. To the naked eye, it looks like a cloud of thick oily smoke roiling on itself as it slides across the field, leaving behind a stripe of half-dried half-rotten grass.
Hamlet jinks to the side, obviously keen on avoiding the contact with this clump of moving death... and stumbles over his unlaced boots, faceplanting into the grass. He barely has enough time to lift his face when the cloud rolls over his legs, covering everything from mid-thigh to toes for a moment. The shriek he gives out is much different from his bonvivant airs just a moment ago. It's a desperate scream of a wounded animal. I'm impressed by the sheer amount of malice injected into the spell, Moon Unit really really really REALLY has strong negative opinions of the whole mess. His legs are pretty much gone, mummified to the "spent couple centuries in a tomb" condition in a span of a second. The way his face and shoulders visibly shrivel strongly implies the hit had at least partially dehydrated his whole body.
I think Moon Unit was not counting on the spell connecting, because she is leaping forward the moment she let the spell fly, her knives tracing a double arc in the air. If Hamlet didn't stumble, that would have ended with him stabbed in the gut and groin. As in is, though, Moon Unit pulls back out of the lunge, her daggers held at the ready as she eyes her foe warily. Honestly, this is pretty much the end of it, he is incapable of standing. Neither now, nor ever again, those legs are not salvageable in any meaningful way. His only chance of survival is immediate amputation.
"Brother! NO!" - aaand Laertes springs into action. Rather literally, yanks the dagger out and jumps over the low fence, running towards Moon Unit and prone Hamlet. Claudius jumps up a moment later, clutching at his waist. Huh, turns out Laertes grabbed the wrong handle and run out swinging the dagger that Claudius had on him, instead of his own. Really, it's more of a shortsword than a dagger. Gladius even, though I'm not sure this is the right local word for it. And... It glows faintly green and I can feel the weft of conceptual poison from here. This is pretty high-end alchemy and magic, to my consideration. Damn thing seems to be able to propagate via spell traces and its primary method of action basically sends the magic of receiver haywire, making it poison and tear up the receiver with uncontrollable magic bursts. I make a mental note to avoid this shite. It is strong enough to harm me, and while I will survive getting stabbed with this, it will hurt like a bitch.
I'm about to call out a warning to Moon Unit about the poison when Laertes trips on his own unlaced shoes. He does not quite faceplant like Hamlet, though. No, what he DOES is stab the poisoned dagger deep into Hamlet's buttock. Owch.
As he jumps up to his feet again, apparently not even noticing the lack of dagger in his hand, Hamlet reaches back and yanks it out of his ass. His facial expression is strange. Rage, hurt... Does he assume that Laertes had intentionally stabbed him in the ass?... Apparently yes, because he plunges the blade all the way into his pal's asscheek, knocking Laertes down again.
"Gods and stars, is that Primal Rot?" - Tamaya yelps loudly enough for everyone to hear. Claudius snorts derisively - "Family heirloom, elder. Entirely legal to own and keep on myself."
He stands up slowly and looks down on the piste with a pinched expression. "Finish it, maiden of Zappas. Neither of them has enough strength to admit humiliation, not after receiving Primal Rot so abruptly." - he demands. Cheeky and bastard kinda move, this shite is virulent enough to easily jump over to Moon Unit if she were to approach. And since it's a poison that works off magic, there is no telling what it will do with spells. But leaving them to die? It might take several days, during which Moon Unit needs to be present and conscious within the piste because her leaving while they're still alive will count as forfeiting. Unfortunately for Claudius, Moon Unit has a third option.
Two bangs echo through the glade in quick succession as Moon Unit executes the idiots with a shot to the head for each. Mercy kills, really, they would have been in never-ending pain until their death a few days later, otherwise. No antidote, obviously, magical poisons rarely can be counteracted cleanly unless they were designed with a specific "emergency abort" option. Well, huh. Claudius looks very pissed now. I think he actually counted on Moon Unit being unable to deal coup de grace without getting infected herself. But even this obstinate obliviot is not able to find much to harp about. Initial magic was obviously dark-aligned, and even though he has no idea what firearms are, it is painfully obvious it's neither a bow nor light magic.
"I do believe I am victorious." - Moon Unit announces crisply, forcing all of us to turn and look in her direction. It is a statement hard to dispute. Even though Claudius could possibly claim the bout was tampered with, it is his clan member who interfered. So arguing that this disgrace somehow qualifies as a win for Elsinores is a task even he sees as impossible. So he simply nods imperiously. Asshole.
I do give Moon Unit time to leave the piste, obviously, but as soon as she is out of the ring and surrounded by the rest of the wives, I HONK.
"Claudius. By your actions here, legal or not, you have made you and yours repugnant to me. By the elder laws, I call a blood feud with the clan Elsinore." - I tell him, still as a goose. He is... very much at a loss as to how to respond to a death threat expressed by the bird. His expression remains befuddled as I waddle into the ring and beckon him with the wing. "Come. Your death awaits. Duel me for it or be eaten." - I quack at him, and... oh gods, this is fucking hilarious. I should challenge people as a goose more often.
"Go on, Claudius. Either step onto the piste and try your skills, or start fleeing." - Tamaya tells him with a smirk - "And do forgive me for this, but... I told you what would happen. Now reap what you have sown."
He swallows and looks uncertain for a moment... Goodness, he just might start fleeing at this rate. Time to egg him on.
"C'mon. Goose versus chicken, it will be a fowl fight!" - I needle him from the ring. His face hardens into an angry rictus and he kicks the gates open, marching onto the piste and in my general direction.
"I will not be mocked like this!" - he shouts as he closes the distance - "To fight against a gods-bedamned bird is a disgrace!"
"Astute observation." - I honk back at him - "This is the grand total of respect I have for you, Claudius. Also known as zero. Mighty Elsinores falling to a bird, heh. They will remember you for ages for this, Claudius. Elsinores, the clan that got goosed. En garde."
He chokes on air as his face grows blotchy red. "You dare... En garde!" - he hisses, immediately yanking out a tulip from inside of his coat. Nabad, nabad, he probably has a special pocket there with a holdout flower or three. The ball of fire that smacks right in front of me is pretty respectable, this guy is a decent fire mage at the very least. Of course, that was also a very stupid thing to do, because he basically just obstructed his own line of sight towards me. The next thing the guy sees is a flapping mass of feathers and attitude about to land in his face as I simply fly over the blaze. Well, flap. Wings are complicated.
Claudius jerks back, trying to avoid me, but I expected this from the very beginning, and my trajectory is lined up accordingly. And, bingo! I land on his chest and smack him in the nose with my beak while clutching his coat with my palmates (Goose feet, basically. I don't know why, but the scientific term always stuck in my head as amusing.). And then I switch up the game. Is that a goose? No, that's a langolier. Claudius lets out a hoarse scream of terror as my beak and head split in three fang-studded "petals" that wrap themselves around his cranium and PRESS. NOM.
He falls backward as the fragments of bone and meat and blood squirt in every direction. Huh, he knows surprisingly little, all things considered. As I suspected, the real brains of this clan was Polonius. And Gertrude, somewhat. Whom Claudius was apparently more than a little terrified of. I throw back my blood-drenched head.
H̸̟̘̫̱͙ͩ̎ͮ̾̎ͣ̎ͫO̩͖͎͖͙ͭ̈́̿̾ͭ͊ͬ̀N̶̳̙̘͕̅̄K͚͉̭̜͈̠̗͂͆͢!̙͓̦͖͔̮̭ͩ̊̉̾̇̀̕
Oh, yeah, terror levels at optima.....aaaoh shiiit, I just headbit someone in a particularly horrifying manner right in front of my WHOLE harem. FUUUCK. ...Though, there does not seem to be much of a problem. I mean, each of my wives is holding their own instance of goose-me. Let's see. Moon Unit... is actually looking pretty bloodlusty herself. She is wincing but also grinning in a manner that is probably somewhat terrifying in itself. Lily-Anne... is using her goose-me as a face pillow and did not look at the duel at all. Bridgit... Is blinking and wincing, but seems to be strangely calm about it. Wonder why. Roxolane... turns away and imitates Lily-Anne, lifting me to nuzzle her face into my feathers. She is trembling a little but doesn't seem to be TOO upset. Probably just an unappetizing show. Well, they were at a much better distance this time, and at least theoretically prepared... Also probably headnomming someone as a goose has a level of disconnection, unlike when I headbite someone in my usual shape. Something to make note of.
Dweezil and Ahmet are cringing and passing the liquor flask between themselves somewhat frantically... and Tamaya just joined them for a turn on the flask as well. Several less important on-lookers are pretty spooked, but a good deal seem to be exhibiting less of terror and more of "oh fuck now that's what I call bloodsport" expressions. ...Wait. Where's Polonius? His chair is empty, and I can't see him... Well, fuck, he just did the smart thing and run. Too little, too late, of course, but...
I push off from the headless corpse and take flight. I need to find him and finish him off quickly, I want to wrap this whole annoying business by the dinner at the latest. Now where he might be... Ah. Oh. Well, that's cunning of him? A horse, really? Well, the plus is that he is already outside of the inhabited areas. And proceeding further south rather quickly. Sparsely populated forests there, a lot of places to hide out. Well, unless your opponent can do an aerial survey, I suppose. Gliding in. I don't feel like toying with him. What I got from Claudius implies Polonius is a crafty bastard. I should have realized something was up when I heard he's infamous for blundering in fighting. I mean, obviously, the blunders did not hinder his ability to survive the fights, n'est ce pas? Therefore, either all the blundering is a pretense for some reason, or he has some kind of esoteric combat style that... well. That looks like blundering but actually is pretty efficient. Something a-la drunken fist or some such.
So. My plan is simple. Swoop in and eat his head. Why complicate the tried and true method? I am legally permitted to do that much, owing to a blood feud being declared in his presence, so... Besides, I want to know what kind of plan was it. Would there be other annoyances cropping up? Or something even worse? As I just saw, elves DO possess certain things that might be... unpleasant to experience. If any of those are aimed at my family, I want to know about it yesterday.
PTUUI! Bleugh!... YUCK. Oh for the love of all that is sane, why!... So... I have learned several things. Thing A. Doppelgangers taste horrible. Thing B. This particular one was an aberration nearly three hundred years old, more than four times the theoretical lifespan of a doppelganger as far as contemporary science knows. Thing C. This is so fucking messed up.
I shift my focus toward the goose-me in Moon Unit's hands and gently poke her with my bill. "Bring me over to Tamaya, dear? I have some... weird news to share." - I whisper to her. She blinks, but nods and brings me closer. Meanwhile, the other me collects the remains, packs them up and teleports to our domicile. This is easier than trekking back on feet, and I do not want to shapeshift into a flying form large enough to haul about two hundred livres worth of dead body by air. Still, it will take me about five minutes to get back to the central glade with the corpse on my shoulder. Enough time to explain things.
"So. Turns out Polonius was a doppelganger. And he is largely responsible for Elsinores being bugfuck crazy." - I begin... and trail off as I notice that there is one more elf standing next to the Tamaya now.
He sketches a respectful bow in my direction. "Good morrow, milady." - he offers courteously - "My apologies for intruding, but I do have a vested interest in the Elsinore clan. Would it be permissible for me to hear what you have found out about them and how doppelganger affected them into this... insanity?"
"Uh-huh." - I offer to him - "And... who are you? You obviously seem to know who I am."
"My name is Fortinbras, milady, and I am tangentially related to Elsinores. They are a splinter clan from my own, and as such, I have come over to discuss the situation before anything... overly rash occurs. Such as someone less than cautious mentioning the relation between the clans to you without clarifying the details." - he proffers - "Because I am most certainly NOT in agreement with the actions Claudius undertook and very much attached to my head. Literally and emotionally. So..."
I peer at Tamaya and Dweezil. They peer back. I honk at them. They jump. "Your advice, please." - I tell them after another awkward pause - "I'm not exactly well-informed about clan politics."
They exchange glances. Then Dweezil coughs. "I... do not believe there is any reason for you to want to extend the blood feud to Fortinbras clan." - he then proffers - "Elsinores parted from them on very bad terms and they are not allies by any stretch of the word. Furthermore, clan head Fortinbras is well known for his deliberation and level head. I believe he is wise enough not to put his head in dragon's maw. I also see no reason to keep the circumstances of clan Elsinore from him, he would in fact be the first person we'd want to consult on how to proceed in this situation."
"Very well." - I agree - "Clan head Fortinbras, I do hereby formally state that I do not seek to extend blood feud to your own clan and will not seek to declare one unless you and yours deliberately and intentionally harm me and mine."
He smiles slightly. "Heartening to hear." - he agrees - "Now, would you be so kind to explain what kind of calamity had beset the clan of my grandsons?"
"Aside from me?" - I snark - "Well... It all goes back to Gertrude and Polonius. But first, a little explanation. I am sure everyone knows by now that I tend to eat the heads of people who act with hostility towards me. What is not so well known is that by doing so, I get to perceive their current memories to a degree. As such, I have a reasonably good idea what prompted Claudius and Polonius to act the way they did."
Fortinbras nods sagely. "I am not surprised." - he offers sadly - "I was adamantly against the marriage of Hamlet and Gertrude... Oh, forgive me. Hamlet's father was also named Hamlet. I shall refer to younger Hamlet as Junior from now on to avoid confusion."
"Huh. Well, here is the thing." - I proffer - "Apparently, when Hamlet Senior was ambushed, Polonius was with him and died in the ambush as well. A doppelganger happened upon the corpses and removed Polonius while taking his guise. It was the doppelganger who brought Senior's body back to Elsinores. Gertrude was the only one to notice something about him, and she apparently confronted him at night about the discrepancies between him and actual Polonius. Then... the weird part happened. Upon forcing the doppelganger to admit his true nature, Gertrude proceeded to seduce him. Or be seduced by him. The actual memories of this event are hazy, Doppelonius didn't really like to think back to it for some reason. Gertrude had agreed to keep his secrets in exchange for sharing the bed. Doppelonius had eventually persuaded her to officially marry Claudius, who was bound to ascend as the clan head, in order to keep influence and wealth accessible to them. I don't know how or why or when, but eventually, Doppelonius had ended up falling in love with Gertrude and continued to have regular trysts with her throughout her marriage to Claudius, while at the same time using a combination of his innate magic, gullibility potions and very well-considered words in order to instill a deep belief in the power of law in Claudius and the rest of clan. Somehow, by constantly reinforcing the notion that regardless of what he really is, he is legally Polonius, Doppelonius had somehow managed to get the entire clan to provide him with magical sustenance, simply from believing he is legally the high-ranked person in the clan."
Everyone cringes at that. A moment of silence is then broken by Fortinbras smacking his fist into his palm. "Gods damn it, I warned them." - he grouses - "I told them that they're not going to make it alone, that caution is how clans survive and thrive... So. The doppelganger assumed the guise of Polonius and then proceeded to warp the minds of everyone in the clan in order to sustain itself?"
"Not everyone." - I hedge - "As far as I was able to interpret what Doppelonius was thinking about the matter, it was quality versus quantity situation. He did not bother instilling any particular loyalty or obedience into retainers because they were already loyal to the clan, to begin with. He just messed with the minds of the clan head and immediate family. Gertrude was fully aware and complicit in doing this and supplemented his effort with dreamwalking, forcing Claudius, Laertes and Hamlet to adapt a, well... Their mindset can be summed up as "if we can twist it to be legal, it is the right and acceptable and enjoyable". Insofar as they, by some leap of logic, were able to explain away their actions as "it is mandated by law", they all experienced pleasure from it and sincerely believed the same must be true for everyone else. Claudius, in particular, was entirely certain that not following the law to the letter was a sign of one's degeneracy and feeblemindedness. I imagine that attitude didn't gain him any friends."
"He made up for it by making plenty of enemies." - Tamaya snarks wryly - "So let us sum it up. Clan Elsinore is?"
"Extinct, honorable elder." - I confirm for her - "Hamlet and Laertes were shot by Moon Unit in the first duel, Claudius lost his head against me, I chased down and did the same to Polonius right after and Gertrude had died the night before. In the interests of full disclosure, I'm tangentially responsible for her demise as well. She tried to use dreamwalking on me last night. It didn't go well for her."
Fortinbras blinks. "Excuse me, but how?" - he asks - "Did you somehow trace the attempt and retaliated with fire magic?"
"No? I simply permitted her to enter my dream." - I respond.
"..." They're all looking at me in confusion.
"Oh, come on. I am an eldritch abomination from beyond the world's edge. What do you THINK I dream about?" - I tell them with exasperation - "In this particular case, my dream was based on my memories of Oneiros. A ruined world, rent by the unthinking arrogance of its inhabitants into disparate ruins forever floating in the void of eternal twilight, to wax poetic about it. Or to put it simply - a world that had been destroyed by a magical cataclysm aeons ago. It is populated by horrifying monsters spawned by the combination of immense death and uncontrollable magic. I never even got to talk to Gertrude in the dream, she disconnected from it before I was able to even make it over to the place where she connected. I initially assumed that she woke up in gibbering madness and Claudius or Polonius used fire magic to put her down, but according to their memories, the fire was actually made by Gertrude herself, she probably tried to defend against the dream monsters and started casting in her sleep, setting her bedding on fire. Elsinores did what they could for her when she woke everyone up by her screams, but, well... having most of your body burned is not exactly conducive to one's well-being and she expired by the dawn without regaining consciousness."
"But... I have been in your dreams without..." - Moon Unit begins uncertainly. I beak at her gently.
"Intent of the spell matters, dear." - I explain - "You were driven by curiosity and affection, Gertrude was there to lie and dominate. You got my memories of places I view fondly, she saw the remembrance of desolation."
"...Well then, that puts us in a bit of a pickle." - Fortinbras muses - "By all accounts, you have conquered the clan... But as a splinter clan of mine, this puts an obligation on me to try and regain what was theirs... And honestly speaking? I very much do NOT want to do this."
"Are there any provisions that we could use to negate this?" - I inquire - "In all honesty, I really don't want to kill you either, being cautious is precious beyond measure in treeborn, given how rare it is."
Dweezil leans to Tamaya and they discuss something in whispers, then pull in Fortinbras to their huddle for a moment. Then Dweezil straightens up - "I think we have an idea."
Fortinbras continues - "Per tradition, offering up a conquered clan can be considered an alliance overture. I have no ill will towards Zappas and would not be opposed to an alliance. However, this all hinges on your decision, because doing this would deprive you of the two most valuable claims a conqueror can make. The claim of loyalty and the claim of domicile."
"No offense, but I have no interest in either. I make the claim of knowledge." - I tell him, wiggling in Moon Unit's arms as she snickers at his gobsmacked expression.
"...Beg your pardon, knowledge? Not wealth?" - he sputters.
Dweezil elbows Ahmed. "Show him." - he demands. Ahmed shakes his head and gingerly reaches into the satchel to withdraw something. A box? Oh, they made a box to hold the gem I made for them the day before yesterday. Fortinbras and Tamaya both look in and draw surprised sighs as Ahmet holds the open box to the light.
"...Marvelous." - Fortinbras whispers reverently - "But what is the significance of this treasure?"
"Bride price." - Dweezil responds simply - "This gem was created for clan Zappa to satisfy the law of bride price and dowry. Moon Unit's dowry is comprised exclusively of scrollwork and objects of art and knowledge. Tools of Gods have little need or regard for wealth as they can create valuables on a whim. We had the very same reservations as you just did regarding the conqueror's claims, and this was our answer. To lady Gillespie, the claim of knowledge is more valuable than the claim of wealth by far."
Fortinbras chuckles. "I see." - he muses - "I guess even common sense can be quite duplicitous sometimes."