Chapter 118. Nonsense Of All Kinds

I'm given a bit of time off while the Counsel discusses what they heard. Obviously, I set up my eyespiders on them. You could say I bugged their meeting, even. C'mon, it's common sense when dealing with elves here. There is a damn good reason why local euphemism for treachery is "elven courtesy". Though, now that I am running what they say through translation, I am a little disappointed. And more than a little relieved. Apparently, I have been rolling natural twenties on a whole bunch of intimidation checks ever since I arrived. While the spells used for treestructuring are still very much constrained to clan Zappa leadership and will remain so for the foreseeable future, it seems that everyone either saw me replacing the old tree with a treehome or got a story from those who did see it happen. So really, the only interesting thing I hear is the fact that lots of trumpets in the soul aria are considered to be a sign of greatness and that having an actual voice is something unheard of, but since they are convinced they heard an actual soul aria, their conclusion is that I'm simply a being of a higher order than they are, and therefore get a vocal component. Their theory, further on, posits that if they were to somehow persuade a god to let them hear theirs, what they would hear would be an acapella chorus or something along those lines. I'm also hearing a surprising number of people agitating to listen to me again, apparently they are thinking that I should also have a much wider repertoire than just one tune they believe "mortals" are constricted to.

The one tune thing is, strictly speaking, a misnomer, it's just that one's noosignature evolves with their age and experiences. Babies produce random plinking sounds, toddlers sound like a badly tuned music box, teens tend to have some basic melody going on and branch out into an instrument or two, someone with a couple decades under their belt might have a decent song rolling. Elders tend to have the most elaborate and long tunes, some of them being known for producing subtly changing tunes that don't quite repeat, being long enough for the next iteration to change significantly enough. And some of the elves are arguing that I should be having the same thing, just much more rapid, since by their consideration, "Tools of Gods encompass multitudes". Not sure where they have the idea from, but... Let's test this? I tell my wives about the idea, hear them express interest and go back to the circle, not really thinking on things much. Ooh. That's a nice one... Clapton's "Layla", as reimagined by London Symphonic Orchestra. My favorite arrangement, really. They did an awesome job making it sound epic.

Oh shiii... Apparently, Counsel is not willing to miss out on repeat, because as soon as I settle down and let the enchantment circle act, they run down from the tree they were holding a pow-wow on, in some cases outright leaping over the railings and retake their seats with a surprising level of quietness. Goodness gracious, this was impressive acrobatics... I subtly pulse an area effect heal, because I can see some of them wincing even from here. They were willing to strain themselves just to hear more of me, huh. Flattering. ...Wait. Oh. Shit on a stick. This arrangement has a choral section in the end... Damn. GG, Alyssa, really nailing the divine messenger here on all the damn knobs... I really need to get in touch with the gods sometime soon and just ASK them how far I actually can go in claiming agency on their behalf. On one hand, that letter from Memiri certainly sounded like I did everything they expected of me, on the other, I'm kind of ramping up the intensity lately. Gotta make sure if there are some lines I shouldn't be crossing beyond the obvious. Actually... Ow. Sorry, everyone.

So. What happens if incautious shoggoth lets the rather fucking potent array to just channel their noonoise through sound conversion algorithm without any suppression, period? And that noonoise is actually cued in from the internet in another world piped through rather ridiculous bandwidth? Well, what happens is that the finale of a rather energetic symphonic performance blows the audience off their feet. Literally. The end crescendo put out enough of decibels to flip the chairs over along with the elves in them. Heal heal heal heal, oW, holy shit, I... phew. They all got sonic stun, but thankfully I didn't blow out any eardrums, that would be awkward.

I think everyone heard that one, too. Like, everyone in fucking Evergreens. Good grief, I just can't do subtle recently, can I?

"Well... everyone is fine, I hope?" - I question mildly, as I step out of the circle, continuing to pulse area heal just in case - "I think I'd best leave this be for now."

They're wild-haired and wild-eyed. And exchanging wide glances and hurried whispers at a steadily advancing rate, before Tamaya snaps out of it and stands up, bringing her heel down on the floor three times, diverting attention to herself. "Ahem." - she begins, facing me - "We the treeborn are immensely grateful for this chance of a lifetime to hear beyond the mortal bounds. There is no doubt left in anyone's heart now that you are the Tool of God, and we of the leaf acknowledge this and pledge our aid and witness to your deeds. Due to familial ties, your interests within Evergreens will be represented by clan Zappa whenever you are not present to attend to them personally. We are greatly rejoiced to know the age of legends is returning and await your deeds with bated breath. We do humbly ask of you to give whichever insights and knowledges to our Spinners and Whisperers as you deem permissible. Whisperers have been made aware of your requirements and are currently settling their affairs and preparing to act on their decisions, in one way or another."

___

All in all, the visit to Evergreens is about to be over, and not a moment too soon. I had to endure another grueling conversation with the clan head of Whisperers in the meanwhile, and although it took me a couple tries and some shouting, I think I finally managed to get it through his thick head that the problem was solely in the fact that his niece decided to try shanking Moon Unit without even bothering to ask me what I think about it, rather than some kind of ephemeral fault in etiquette or ritual as he kept trying to think. However, we are not departing until tomorrow morning, and in the meanwhile, I have a Spinner to entertain.

Juliette, as it turns out, is a pretty good conversationalist and does not seem to suffer from typical elven failings. In fact, much like Tamaya, she seems to be in the state of nigh-permanent exasperation at her fellow elves.

"...Even so?" - she inquires, poking at the model of solar system I have recreated out of wood and wire. Illusion is fine and all, but apparently, Spinners have enough interest in astronomy to make them ask for a more permanent installation. The thing is about the right size to occupy a medium-sized table and shows the rotation of planets on orbits and how their own rotation affects their day-night cycles.

I shrug. "The distances are vast and the space between is very empty." - I confirm to her - "Just getting up high enough to see the world being round is a considerable effort at this point. Better magic and technology necessary before going further becomes something feasible."

"Or being directly endowed with divine power, I would surmise." - she retorts wryly - "How much of what he had seen up there would he remember?"

"A good deal of." - I shrug - "If he blocked the experience out, he wouldn't be nigh-catatonic right now."

"Cata...what? I presume you mean his current fit of quiet hysteria?" - Juliette reframes the terms - "So. Provided Russell is given some peace and quiet to reaffirm his bearings, he should have much to spin about, isn't it so? That would be intriguing to hear... Speaking of, let me thank you for putting down those upstarts. I simply can not believe they spent almost two hundred years failing to grasp I wouldn't give either a single leaf's shade if asked."

"Wasn't something planned, but since they made a nuisance of themselves..." - I shrug again - "Though... Have you ever wondered if there is something just plain... wrong, with elves? You people could have been ruling the world by now, if you were not permanently in the throes of backstabbing orgy."

"And if you were an elf, I would be offering you an acolyte sash." - Juliette finishes bitterly - "This very realization, that something is horribly wrong with us, is the basic requirement for joining the Spinners. Not a mandate, mind, but most of us who did realize join sooner or later. Tamaya, in particular. Too bad about Moon Unit getting snagged up by you. I had some hopes of her coming back wise enough to be a suitable successor for Tamaya as the head of Counsel. Oh well, time is something we are never short of. Unless the forest is burning around us, of course."

"I also note a distinct lack of trying to ask me about this. Let me guess, your predecessors actually asked shoggoths before about this very problem, isn't it so?" - I point out.

"Just so, yes." - Juliette frowns - "According to the answers we were given, gods had nothing to do with it, it's just the way we became over aeons. It used to be worse than that, mind. Before Tools of Gods, there were warring tribes of elves, using their masteries of mind magics to direct hordes of subjugated mortals against each other. We naively thought ourselves the favored children of the gods. When actual divine messengers descended... Let's just say there is a good reason why there is no elf over a thousand years old alive currently. And why Evergreens is the largest surviving enclave of treeborn."

"Heads were eaten?" - I quip wryly.

"Only ever so much." - she responds in kind, nodding back to me - "Only ever so much."

___

...And I'm about to eat more heads right now.

"...What duel?!" - I repeat, glaring at the assorted elves.

Moon Unit is looking discomfited as she answers - "Clan Elsinore had declared a duel against me. Their clan head was one of those who perished in the upheaval which resulted in me leaving Evergreens."

"So... how many heads I'm eating now?" - I growl.

Dweezil facepalms. I give him a glare. Not the time, pal. Unfortunately for me, it seems like Moon Unit is in agreement with him, as she retorts - "Dear, I need to do this personally."

"Why." - it is more of a statement than a question, but come on. I am sick and tired of elves being so... elf.

"Mainly, because I am sick and tired of people just not grasping the clue." - she growls back - "Also, because in their infinite wisdom, Claudius had explicitly stipulated that the "rights to court" you are the wager of the duel. Which means you are theoretically prohibited from entering the duel on my behalf, as you are technically the prize."

...Claudius... why does that name sound so familiar?

"So you are fighting this Claudius in an assumption that the winner... what? You do realize that I will probably erase the whole Elsinore glade from existence if you are so much as scratched, right?" - I quip to Moon Unit, who sighs and smiles back at me. It's one of those smiles that show no warmth. Only teeth.

"Not quite. Claudius is already married. I am fighting his nephew, Hamlet." - she tells me, and things snap in my head. Of fucking course. Shakespearean themes continue. Hamlet, huh? So... Did Claudius murder Hamlet's daddums in this version... and if he did, does Hamlet care? Clingon promotion is par for the course among elves, after all.

Dweezil clears his throat. "I, ah..." - he hems - "Given what Moon Unit said earlier about your views, I do surmise that we will be adding Elsinore clan belongings to clan Zappa soon?" He groans lightly at my impatient nod and continues - "Very well. On one hand, I am wary of this pattern of escalation, on the other... Let me give you a quick rundown on whom we're dealing with. Claudius is the head of the clan, his wife is Gertrude. Hamlet is their nephew and next in line for the clan head seat, as Claudius has no children of his own as of yet. All of them are less than a hundred and fifty years old and failed to garner any significant renown as fencers or mages. Other notables among the clan are old Polonius and his son Laertes. Polonius has married into the clan, and technically would have had the precedence before Hamlet, if something were to happen to Claudius, but he had already declined the inheritance after the death of Hamlet's parents in favor of Claudius. So if Claudius dies, the chain of clan head inheritance is Hamlet to Laertes to Polonius to Gertrude. The last two are only valid in case everyone else is dead. The only person with any significant experience is Polonius, but he is quite infamous for making... unwise decisions in the heat of battle."

Moon Unit chips in - "I am fighting Hamlet, and if I end up stomping him too easily, possibly Laertes. We would be best served if you allow me to stomp on them both, then immediately call out Claudius for a duel of your own. Which I'm pretty sure you're itching to do." She pats my shoulder - "Really, dear, your sheer indignance with their presumptiveness is visible to the naked eye. You are shimmering like a boiling pot."

"...What do you mean by best served?" - I inquire cautiously. Truth to tell, I am thinking I should simply eat five heads and call it a day, but Moon Unit has some kind of plan in the works...

"A part of the problem we didn't address so far is that people still assume I am a pushover." - Moon Unit offers angrily - "It was not so even before I left, and it is very much not so now, but until and unless I make that much obvious for everyone else to see, all treeborn would focus on me as your "weak spot", so to speak. I do not like the idea, and stomping an annoyingly arrogant clan into the ground in full adherence to duel customs would be just what I need to make everyone think before leaping."

"Fair enough." - I concede grumpily - "Are there any restrictions on what is allowed in the duel? Or how far it can be taken? I mean, I'm pretty sure Evergreens does not adhere to Champagne custom to halt at the first blood or humiliation."

Moon Unit shakes her head slowly - "...To the death is the most common outcome and usually the one people are aiming for. Win by humiliation is possible, but... ...buuuut... Hrrrm..."

She trails off, her face slowly lighting up with a malicious smile as she mulls something over.

"Thank you, dear." - she then says mirthfully - "I think I have an idea on how I want to handle things now."

___

I'm having trouble "sleeping". I mean, I usually pretend to sleep to begin with, but this time I'm also jittery with nervous energy. For all of my confidence in Moon Unit's proficiency and my own contingencies, I am not taking well the necessity to actually permit Moon Unit to be endangered when I could just handle the problem myself in my usual fashion. Then again, the only reason why I agreed at all is because I do concede that Moon Unit needs to establish herself as a danger in her own right. In a weird way, I am downright thankful that elves tend to internalize their elven supremacism as a rule of thumb, because not being elves also excludes the rest of my wives from being directly targeted by political overtures like this one. Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if someone gets the bright idea to hostage them, but that much I am ready for and any attempts at grabbing them will be met with... gruesome accidents, let's call it like this.

Still... The annoying feeling won't go away. It's like... Uh. Like... Well... To approximate it very rudely, it feels as if someone is trying to lull me to sleep while I'm wired on caffeine. Zero percent sleep, hundred and twenty percent irritation... Waaaaait a minute. Isn't that what being targeted by dreamwalk is like? Well well well, looks like someone is trying to get inventive. I quickly doublecheck on the wives and sigh with relief when the check comes back negative. Whoever is doing this is not trying to pull all of us in, just me. Wonder why. I mean, I could possibly see some haughty jackass dismissing my non-elf wives as non-entities and thus not worth the effort of invading the dreams of, but Moon Unit definitely should have been targeted... Except, if it was really easy to fuck each other over through dreamwalking, elves would be doing this all the time. The only reason why Moon Unit in the game succeeds is because she is expressly stated to be a mind magic prodigy, capable of far greater influence than your average elf. So it's all too likely she is not targeted simply because she is considered to be too hard of a target... And I am not? Good grief. I guess thinking things through just isn't a thing elves usually do much.

Makes sense, now that I think of it. It is more common than not that elves do things as their impulse dictates, regardless of logic or caution. Might the problem simply be in the fact their mental maturation is actually ridiculously slow, compared to how fast their body and magic matures? Something to think about later. For now, let's deal with the invader. I mean, I could simply keep things like this all night, but it's irritating. Like a cat scrabbing at the pet door kind of irritating.

Letting them "win" is blatantly easy, though I'd probably flounder around a little bit without some prior experience dreamwalking with Moon Unit. Now, I wonder who's the idiot trying to get into my dream, and what their game is? Setting the place to be sufficiently eldritch is easy enough, I just think back to some of the games depicting eldritch locations. In the end, I settle on imagery inspired by a considerably dated game, that nonetheless remained one of my favorites. Oneiros from Undying. The imagery of ruins floating in the purple void, inhabited by eldritch monstrosities? Definitely a good place to welcome the idiotic invader into. Now, where are the... ooh. Oh, wow. That's loud.

I begin to walk in the direction of the sound, said sound being inchoate screaming interspersed by rather anemic explosions I tentatively peg as fire magic, when the dream abruptly... disconnects. I mean, I remain within and I am still walking, but I get a distinct impression that whoever tried to connect to me just fell out of the dream altogether. Huh. Did they wake up or something? Am I going to get a second attempt soon?

And even though I have a good deal of fun exploring the ruins conjured by my own mind, nothing at all happens throughout the rest of the night. Though I am rather impressed by the monsters my subconsciousness had pushed into the dream. Freaky. Creepy. Wow. Very wow. Much scare. Of course, being literally the extensions of my own imagination and me being conscious of that? That renders them quite unable to do anything I am not willing them to be doing. So all I'm getting out of this is gallery experience. Still, pretty neat. I'd give myself headpats if it wasn't too silly... Ah, fuck it. If you don't give yourself headpats, who will?

...Ok, never doing this again. Splitting off a chibi version and giving myself headpats was the most singularly weirding out experience since I woke up with Cy next to me. No wonder if people think I'm weird because right now I quite happen to agree.