80. Itachi Appears!
It’s the third day after the Konoha Crush.
The true Kazegake’s corpse is finally found. Suna officially surrenders to Konoha. Gaara, Kankuro, and Tamari return home with two Naruto clones (G and KK). I’m… not sure what will come of that.
In a private room somewhere, the Village Council refuses Danzo the position of Fifth Hokage and offers it to Jiraiya instead. Jiraiya in turn refuses the offer and advocates for Tsunade, the third member of the Sannin.
I know this happens as in the Anime because Naruko turns to me out of the blue to say, “Pervy-sage just asked me to go on a trip with him… Umm, should I?”
“Has he promised you anything good?” I raise an eyebrow.
She frowns. “He mentioned leaving to search for a sexy woman like that’d convince me, but I told him I’ve got a ton of girlfriends, dattebayo! Huh, he just made a weird face.”
I laugh, knowing Jiraiya meant Tsunade. “Decide whether you want to go as Naruto or Naruko. No, wait, promise to go as Naruko if he does a really good job teaching you a special new jutsu even better than the Chidori!”
“Okay!” Naruko shouts enthusiastically before creating and dispersing a clone with her knowledge. A few moments later, Naruko hug-tackles me, “He said yes!!!”
Looks like someone is going on a trip.
I considered going with Naruko. Honestly! The search for Tsunade is a good arc, and I’d like to make sure everything goes according to canon. There are a few issues with that plan.
Firstly, I need to check in with all my women every day to make sure their insect pregnancies are going smoothly. It’s a lot of work tweaking almost a dozen future biological ninja tools on the fly!
Secondly, Tsunade is an SSS-rank seduction regardless of circumstance. I don’t yet have the strength to secure a victory if I make a bet against her.
Thirdly, I’m still not ready to face the threats in this arc.
Take Itachi, for example. He’s a Kage-level threat, a late-Shippuden boss of a foe plopped down in this arc to raise the stakes of the narrative. Even though he’s half-blind from overusing the Mangekyo Sharingan (spoilers) and suffering from a weird chakra disease (I dunno, ninja-AIDS or something), he’s still stronger than any fighter left alive in Konoha. If he wasn’t secretly on our side (double-spoilers), I doubt anything (short of Guy’s Eighth Inner Gate) could actually stop him from burning the Village to the ground.
I’ll explain in detail later, but the gist of it is that Itachi was always loyal to Konoha, massacred the Uchiha on a secret mission from Danzo (hate that guy), made Sasuke obsess over defeating him to make the boy grow up strong enough to survive in this crazy world, and infiltrated the Akatsuki as a double-agent to investigate their true objective.
That’s not to say there’s anything I could say or do to convince him to help us at this point. No matter what I reveal I know of the truth, Itachi would probably genjutsu me into silence to keep his brother in the dark. If I press Itachi too hard in the coming battle, all that’ll do is force him to use his trump cards like Susanoo or Amaterasu—either of which could destroy an already war-ravaged Konoha.
Well, I’m not interested in doing nothing either.
I can picture the scene now...
Two figures clad in black robes decorated with red clouds, faces obscured by bamboo sunhats, walk along a dirt road on the outskirts of Konoha until their path is blocked by another pair.
“It’s been so long, Anko-chan, Kurenai-chan… wait.”
“Itachi-kun, why are they wearing blindfolds?” a man with blue-tinted skin, gill-marks on his cheeks, and triangular shark teeth says.
“It’s to protect them from my visual prowess, Kisame-kun. I can’t use my genjutsu without making eye contact. This is a trap.”
“Don’t go leaving without saying hello to me, boys~” a voice call from behind them, ready to prove they came to the wrong neighborhood. A woman with sharp canines, red fang marks on her cheeks, and wild brown hair wearing a blindfold steps forward. Then she forms a hand seal as her ninken leaps to her side, “Go Kuromaru-kun! Human Beast Combination Transformation: Double-Headed Wolf!”
A puff of smoke clears to reveal a massive beast with two heads, both blindfolded (one head with a single eyepatch under his blindfold), that growls and leaps forward, shouting, “Super Wolf Fang Over Fang!”
Their bodies spin so rapidly they become a flying drill that spears toward the enemy. Kisame blocks with Samehada, his living shark sword disguised by bandages, but gets knocked aside. Itachi dodges rather than defending against Tsume’s attack directly.
“Come on, Kakashi-kun!” Guy shouts from nearby, “We’re going to miss all the fun if we don’t hurry!” He’s actually one of the few people who doesn’t need a blindfold because he trained against Kakashi’s Sharingan not to make eye-contact. He can read his opponents’ movements by their feet alone. Fucking badass.
“Straight-ahead, Kakashi-kun!” Pakkun the talking pug ninken says from his place atop the infamous copy-ninja’s blindfolded head. The dog is also wearing a blindfold but navigates for both of them by smell. Although Kakashi could do a half-decent job fighting by smell himself, it sure doesn’t hurt to have an assistance dog!
“…Kisame-kun, let’s retreat,” Itachi says as he realizes they’re being surrounded by Jonin who came prepared. Thankfully, Itachi dislikes exerting himself because using his Mangekyo Sharingan deteriorates his eyesight.
“Uh, yeah, Itachi-kun, I think that’s a good idea.”
Several days later, Naruko approaches me shouting, “Some weird guy in a black cloak broke into my room!”
I immediately figure out she’s talking about her other self that went with Jiraiya. “Well, what happened?”
“Umm, okay, yeah, he says he had the wrong room and left.”
“…” Did Itachi not recognize Naruko as a woman?!?
“Wait, here comes Sasuke-kun! He’s screaming something like—”
“Itachi-kun, Stay the FUCK away from my boyfriend!!!”
“Then Sasuke-kun saw me and thought he had the wrong room too! Rude!”
I blink in surprise. “Naruko-chan, hasn’t he seen you in this form before? How did he mistake you for someone else? And is everything alright? How did you stall Itachi-kun long enough for Jiraiya-san to return?”
“Oh! Pervy-sage never left. I thought he might leave to go womanizing, so I offered to warm his bed. We’ve been fucking non-stop since then, and he makes me wear all kinds of strange outfits when we do it. This time was a frog onesie.”
“O-oh…” *Cough* T.M.I. *Cough* “Is Sasuke-kun alright?”
“I think so. He ran away yelling something about ‘bleach’ when I told him it was really me. Then pervy-sage transported us to the belly of a giant frog or something? I dunno, dattebayo. The weird guys ran away after that.”
“Huh, guess I shouldn’t have worried.”
“Yep!”