26. Chunin Exams First Stage: Written Exam

Finally! The Chunin Exams are here. This was one of my favorite arcs from the Anime, and now I’m living it!

The basic idea is as follows. Genin are the grunts of the ninja world who do the low-rank chore missions (C-rank and D-rank). Chunin are a step above them, mainly doing C-rank and B-rank missions, leading teams of Genin, and some become Academy teachers. You also get a nifty flak jacket, but it’s not a mandatory uniform, thank goodness.

To get promoted, you first need to participate in a Chunin Selection Exam. The location of these yearly exams rotates between the major Villages as part of a peace treaty, with this year’s being held in Konoha. It’s not open entry, though; you and your whole team need to be endorsed by a Jonin to join. (That part wasn’t a problem with Choko’s influence as a back-up to Asuma’s evaluation of our abilities).

The other thing to note is that it’s structured like a tournament (I love tournament arcs!), but it’s not just the big winner who gets promoted. The evaluators base their decision on a variety of factors, including strength, strategic knowledge, and leadership skills.

Anyway, I’m super excited to start.

Naturally, I have an insect tracker focused on Naruto 24/7 to monitor him for a certain event. I grab Tenten and dash to the scene as soon as my bugs report he’s started playing with Konohamaru, the Third Hokage’s young grandson.

We arrive in time for the kids to bump into Kankuro, the puppet ninja. He’s wearing a baggy black full-body suit with a cat-eared hood. The bundle he carries like a backpack secretly contains his signature ninja puppet concealed in cloth wrappings.

When the Sunagakure Genin picks Konohamaru up by the scarf, I’m there to throw a kunai before Sasuke makes his canonical move. This isn’t a critical scene; I just want to steal some of his thunder!

Kankuro drops the boy to evade my attack and glares at me.

Tenten stands by my side to stare down Temari and keep her from trying anything. This blustery kunoichi has her sandy blond hair in four pigtails and wears a purple kimono with a red sash on her waist. She gives us a superior, unconcerned smirk.

Temari definitely has a ‘I know you want me, but I don’t fuck losers,’ vibe. With her impressive ninja skills and hostile attitude, she’s an A-Rank seduction, and I wouldn’t put her brother at a lower rank either.

Kankuro frowns at me. “Those glasses and coat… women like you who think they’re all that piss me off.”

Sasuke won’t sit idly by. “Get lost!” he barks at Kankuro, having watched the whole thing from his perch in a nearby tree.

The puppet master looks at both of us and Tenten as he removes the bundle from his back and announces, “I’ll take you all on.”

Then Gaara the sand ninja makes his presence known, standing upside down on the underside of a tree branch—feet glued to the bark with chakra—to look cool. He has a black body suit with a white cloth over his shoulder and carries a big gourd. His hair is a spiky red, and his eyes have dark, sleep-deprived black rings.

His sadistic personality and peak-Genin ninja skills make him an S-Rank seduction.

Gaara reprimands Kankuro, and the three sand siblings beat a retreat after Temari gives Naruto some convenient exposition about the Chunin Exams. She points out they’re an opportunity for the Hidden Villages to display their upcoming talent to potential clients while giving said talent a proving ground for promotion.

“Hey, you, what’s your name?” Sasuke asks before they go.

“Huh, you mean me?” Temari responds with a blush.

“No. You with the gourd.”

“Tch.” I can’t believe yet another girl has a thing for stupid Sasuke!

“Gaara of the Desert. What’s your name?”

“Sasuke Uchiha.”

That bastard! I stole his entrance, and he still takes center stage. Just wait! I’ll conquer every girl who ever creamed herself over this emo boy! I’ll cuck him so hard he turns gay!

“Hey! What about me, huh?” Naruto says, trying to insert himself into the brewing rivalry between Sasuke and Gaara despite him not having done anything.

I lean over to whisper in Tenten’s ear and tilt my chin at Temari, “I want her.” My girlfriend eyes the foreign kunoichi with suspicion but nods her solidarity with my desires.

“Thanks for stepping in,” Sakura tells us, “Those Sand ninja give me the creeps.”

“No problem,” I say with a smile.

“Konoha ninja stick together!” Tenten adds.

With Sakura this close, I can’t resist a burst of Pheromones. Tenten goes weak in the knees for a moment. She’s long since become addicted to me and associates my scent with many a wild night to reinforce her sense-memories.

Sakura flushes with a confused expression. I doubt she’s ever had this reaction to a girl before, and she doesn’t know what to feel.

Don’t worry, Sakura. I’m coming for you soon. I’ll show you all the wonders of lilies, lemons, girl’s romance, hardcore yuri, and futanari fucks. Then you’ll never beg for any cock but mine again.

“See you at the exams,” I say as Tenten and I leave.

Rock Lee, the boy with a green jumpsuit, bowl cut, and thick eyebrows, attempts to hit on Sakura and fails to no one’s surprise but his own. I’m not worried about her falling for anyone else. I will have to come up with some way to help Lee, though. He is one of my favorites from the Anime, and I’d like to make sure he has a happy ending by the time I get through canon.

The first part of the Chunin Exams goes as expected. It’s a written exam with extremely difficult questions. The intent is to have examinees cheat, with the incompetent ones being caught and failed. It’s a test about intelligence gathering.

As I’ve said before, I can match any Anime-Shino feat at my equivalent point in the timeline. Using my bugs to spy on others’ quiz sheets is no problem. Not that I had to do anything but follow Naruto’s lead to pass (more on that in a sec), but I want to minimize the butterfly effect of my deviations from canon when convenient.

After forty-five minutes we’re given the option to answer the last question, knowing if we fail we’ll never be Chunin, but we can retake the exam next year if we forfeit. Of course, there is no last question. Simply having the balls to commit even qualifies someone who failed to answer any previous question (like Naruto) to pass this stage.

Then someone breaks through the window, rolls across the floor, and stands at the head of the testing room with a banner bearing her title behind her pinned to the floor and ceiling with kunai.

Enter Anko Mitarashi, Tokubetsu Jonin, the Chunin Exams’ second proctor. Former student of the Sannin Orochimaru. +S-Rank Seduction. Extremely dangerous.

Probably gay.