102. Sasuke Retrieval Arc, Part 3: Tenten Vs. Jirobo!

“Go, Tsurukame!” A huge turtle-shaped shield appears in a puff of smoke to block the blow aimed at Kin and Fubuki, allowing the Ice duo to escape while I'm pushed away. Except, instead of skidding to a stop on my heels, I hop back with the imparted momentum and lands on the underside of the shield—which hovers in place thanks to Magnet Release.

Shino gave me the idea to try making Tsurukame levitate. She told me about the planet's natural magnetic field, which I learned to access with Magnet nature chakra. After magnetizing the shield, I learned to make it float by repelling the local polarity, and then it was a simple matter of 'surfing' (an exotic sport, apparently) lessons with Shino.

Then I unseal Dako from a tiny scroll I whip out of my pocket (thanks to my improved seal-to-mass ratio efficiency!) and brandish the serpentine spear at Jirobo, “I’ll be your opponent!” I lean back while standing on the turtle shell’s underside, tipping the front up to face my opponent, and activate the hidden mechanism with my foot, “Rapid Fire!”

Panels on the shell's face swing open to reveal pinholes that launch dozens of senbon in quick succession. Forget Rising Twin Dragons, my pet turtle kicks serious ass! I’ve got half a dozen scrolls’ worth of ninja tools loaded into this baby. It sure feels fine as fuck having my armory at the ready with the flip of a switch. I could get promoted to Chunin with nothing but this little guy carrying me!

“Earth Release: Earth Shore Return!” The fat guy, Jirobo, slams his palms on the ground to erect a rocky barrier that blocks all my projectiles. Tch. How about you just stand there and let me turn you into a pincushion, already?

“A ninja weapons user?” the big guy scoffs. He’s tall, a towering figure with bulk and muscle to spare. His hair is orange and styled in a ridiculous triple-mohawk. He’s wearing a beige tunic and a large purple rope (common amongst the Sound Four) tied around his waist for a belt. “Huh, Konoha must be really short on talent to send trash like you after us.” I’m not going to dignify this guy with a response. “Not talkative, even though you’re so cute? That’s a shame. Well, sample a taste of my power, Earth Release: Earth Mausoleum Dumpling!”

He reaches into the earth and pulls a huge boulder from the ground without breaking a sweat. The big guy casually lobs the massive rock at me like we’re playing a children’s game of catch. What looks like a meteorite falls towards me in slow motion.

“Go, Dako!” I say as I shove the spear’s tip into the ground and expand the length of its shaft with my chakra. Since Magnet Release is giving my platform neutral buoyancy in the air, I ascend alongside the butt of the spear high into the sky and continue to rise after Dako has extended to the max. I’m narrowly about to get clipped by the top half of the big rock. So, retracting my spear, I kick up my turtle shield into the other hand while sending chakra to the soles of my feet and run up the side of the boulder before it lands.

A few quick steps have me climbing to the top of the ‘Dumpling’ as this idiot called it, safely away from the lower half crashing to the ground where I’d been standing. Now, where is that lardass?

“Arhat Fist: Slamming Palm!” Jirobo must have climbed the boulder on the opposite side as me, reaching the top at the same time, because now he’s throwing hands at me.

Thanks to my Sharingan, new though it is, I’m able to react in the nick of time and raise my shield. His palm slaps me away again while I cling to the turtle shell, levitating it with Magnet Release and activating another trigger mechanism. A net catches Jirobo’s top half while a spinning length of chain weighted on either end wraps around his legs.

He struggles and writhes against the bondage. It’d be hot if he were a girl, but this scene leaves me cold.

“Know something? Whenever you get five or more in a team together, there’s always one who lags behind. The weak link who gets sacrificed like a pawn. That’s you.” Lines of black-arrow tattoos crawl across his skin after activating his Cursed Seal’s first stage. He shrugs, tearing apart the net with ease, and stretches his legs to break the chain links before resuming a fighting stance atop the boulder.

Okay, Shino wasn’t kidding when she said he’s strong.

I gradually slow to a stop due to air resistance while riding my floating shield, carefully stand on the underside without losing my balance, and thrust my spear at him. Let’s see how he deals with this!

“Arhat Fist: Crushing Knee!” Jirobo raises his leg to intercept my spear and intends to snap the weapon like a twig, but Dako’s snakelike shaft swerves around his counterstrike before darting in to draw blood. He looks down at the line of red on his side and laughs, “Did I touch a nerve? This is nothing. You’re just a little girl behind that shield. Once I get my hands on you, it’s all over.”

I can’t hold my tongue forever in the face of his nonsense.

“This butt belongs to Shino-chan!” No way am I letting this fuckwit get his grubby hands on my sweet ass!

I lift my hand and close my fist in a beckoning motion while giving a mental tug. Seconds later, a dozen senbon slam into Jirobo from behind, and I give a little fist-pump of celebration. I’d magnetized the senbon I previously launched at the beginning of the fight that got stuck in his earthen barrier and positioned myself to put him between them and me before sending the command to draw them in. What can I say? I learned from the best. Thanks, Anko, for showing me all those dirty tricks!

“Aaaah!” he screams in pain before his features darken into a deadly scowl. “That hurt.” His body morphs into something monstrous and red-skinned with a prominent forehead vein pulsing in anger. It's the second stage of his Cursed Seal. “Earth Release: Hiding Like a Mole Technique!”

You’d think a ninjutsu name would be a little more dignified…

Jirobo burrows into the boulder beneath him, the rock turning to sand at his touch before re-hardening to leave no trace of his passage. Then the boulder cracks in a hundred places, broken asunder by myriad fissures, before exploding into fragments that fly in all directions.

“Earth Release: Earthen Scattershot!”

I duck behind Tsurukame as scores of stones strike its surface. They destabilize my levitation, causing the turtle shell to swing up and me to roll off. I catch the handle on Tsurukame’s back and dangle from it with one hand. Glancing about, I can’t find Jirobo…

Then the fat guy bursts from the ground, launching himself high into the air like a breaching whale, another gigantic boulder lifted over his head. “You can’t get away this time, Earth Release: Earth Mausoleum Dumpling – The Second Helping!”

Shit, I guess it’s too late to tell him I didn’t finish the first!

The ‘dumpling’ blocks out the stars as it falls on me, but I don’t lose heart. I point Dako at the boulder and extend my spear to the limit. Dako’s tip hits the rock’s surface, and I hold on while keeping the shaft rigid, letting me control my descent while pulling Tsurukame down with me in the other hand. I bend and flex Dako’s length with chakra control, pushing me underneath the big rock for a terrifying moment before flicking myself away using the generated leverage.

Rolling with the momentum, I hop back onto Tsurukame and tug Dako’s tip from the boulder’s surface while retracting it, letting me coast away from the descending dumpling that craters the earth behind me spectacularly.

Sadly, I’ve hardly breathed a sigh of relief when the bid red fatso pops up from the ground before me. Ugh! No, uggo! Get away! Get away!

“Arhat Fist: Slamming Boulder!”

Lurching back, I flip, straining my Shargingan’s perception, and I’m barely able to intercept his attack with Tsurukame. His backhanded blow flings my shield away and sends me tumbling to the ground. I’m on my feet in a flash, Dako’s blade glinting as the snakelike spear bites like a viper during my fighting retreat.

“Like I said, it’s over,” Jirobo states with the utmost confidence as he powers through my light jabs, “These are mosquito bites to me. My second stage is ten times stronger than before. I’m starving to taste your chakra, but it’s worth it. Get ready for my Arhat Fist: Crushing Palm!”

I step back, spear up, trying to get some more distance before the hammer falls.

*Whump!*

He hesitates, looking around in confusion to find the source of that strange sound.

“Do you know why I haven’t used my Ice Release all this fight?” I’m just stalling. I’ve got nothing to say to a meat-headed loser like him. There’s no point anyhow…

*Whump!* *Whump!*

“What’s that noise?” he narrows his eyes at me while I retreat, but then his gaze spots something hidden in the trees nearby. I headed this way on purpose.

“Well, I’ve been busy with it.” There’s no point because he’ll be dead in a minute.

*Whump!* *Whump!* *Whump!*

“When did you—?”

“—After we escaped your barrier, during the scramble when the others were fleeing.”

*Whump!-Whump!-Whump!-Whump!-Whump!*

“What the heck is that?”

“His name is Jidanda, and he’s been building speed for the past few minutes.”

“C-Crushing Palm!” Jirobo tries to throw his devastating final attack at me, but he's too late. All I need is a moment of concentration to change the location of the output Ice Mirror to directly above him. He doesn’t have anywhere approaching the speed to dodge this, but he manages to raise his hands in time.

I leap away as a ten-foot-tall giant, spiked, iron ball drops through a Crystal Ice Mirror portal on his head at terminal velocity.

In a stunning feat of strength, Jirobo catches Jidanda, but the force breaks both his arms and legs while cratering the ground in a massive upheaval tens of meters across. Bleeding, bloodshot eyes stare at me in pyrrhic victory.

“Ninja Art: Jidanda – Detonate.”

I grab the flail’s handle with my Magnate Release and tug to activate the spikes, which extend to reveal scores of explosive tags in hidden compartments. They all explode in unison. The detonation can be heard for miles, the pressure wave bending trees at the edge of the clearing and stripping the leaves from their branches. I barely made it behind a trunk in time.

When the smoke clears, a very crispy Jirobo tosses Jidanda aside before falling on his back spreadeagled.

“Ninja Art: Rising Twin Dragons!”

A hail of myriad weapons falls on Jirobo’s body, piercing him countless times. I sigh with satisfaction and congratulate myself as I land from the midair technique, “Finally managed to kill somebody with that jutsu!” After challenging fate and comedic timing, I take a patient second to confirm his corpse isn’t about to vanish in a puff of smoke to reveal a last-second Substitution. And then a falling Dako impales his throat like an exclamation mark at the end of a sentence. I shrug. “Welp, better catch up with the others.”