V2 C157 Of body and mind
The war in Va’ren was long and fraught with the onset of raids, the likes that the country hadn’t seen in nearly three hundred years. It was hard to imagine my home hadn't regressed to the point of bloody death worship as it did in Auntie Sarah’s stories.
By Earth’s standards, Va’ren was a very close equivalent to old Viking cultures. I looked through the folder that Lorn had spent so long furnishing, through the keynotes she’d made. Alongside the reported changes that the burden of war played upon Va’ren and its immediate neighbors came mentions of my biological mother, Elexis, my sister, Danae, and my aunt, Sarah. They’d been busy since we were separated, partitioning the country region by region, city by city, town by town.
The war’s onset was so violent and sudden that it has only turned to one of attrition in recent years. In the last year and a half, it has turned into a stalemate thanks to the loss of life on both sides. Morus, led by the frontier church of Orion, had come out on the enemy's side from the beginning but had withdrawn back into their borders for unknown reasons. That left the opposition solely to the Kultans and what clans could back them.
The Kultans held the mountains and nearly every ounce of borderland, while Mother and her faction held the heart of Va’ren and its few main ports. The Kultans held their stranglehold through mercenary forces furnished through imperial coin and the backing of two other clans that were yet named. For a moment, I faltered, looking up from the folder as to further repercussions of the initial outbreak.
They pillaged and probably raised our family’s keep. That was a plentiful hoard of gold that Mother kept aside for importation come winter. Gods, they all went without—
I shook my head, knowing whoever did back our family was likely struggling to maintain food stores.
That is unless they’re the ones behind the raids.
I brushed the thought aside, not wanting to clash with my values so soon after being faced with my identity.
Back to the start of this all. The meaning of this, why now? Why Morus?
The memory of the festival flashed across my mind as I tossed the folder into a fire I’d set to stave off the breeze. The monsters that accompanied the first battle, the knowledge of what they were and what could come of them, now seeded deeply in my fears.
I don’t want a repeat of Earth. With the church of Orion rooting itself so deep into the nation? And the intervention of gods? The possibility of this all being directed.
“Is that why you decided to grant me continuity?”
Solah did not answer, either out of a disinclination or the legitimate absence that I hadn’t expected her to grant.
It can be discussed later then.
I grumbled as I continued to think.
My father's body was never found.
Sarah pleaded upon her discovery to search, and the few scouts who accompanied her did. For days, they lingered.
They could have used days to press that much farther… to find me.
A fact I could not fault them for, given the circumstances and my disposition at the time. I shook my head, choosing to settle with what I’d been given.
It seems that is that, better news than I could have hoped with what Lorn could scrounge together, ko.
A weak smirk seemed to pry itself upon my face.
That’s my life so far.
The conclusion was the one I feared from the beginning: that I had simply awoken from a long, drawn-out dream. I am Kiyomi Jormangandr, a simple continuation of Aidan Catan in new flesh. This is my life… and I may do with it as I wish.
The smell of burning wood and brush wafted past as the wind picked up but a moment, my senses coming alight as they did in Krakow, though much less existential. Instead, there was a strange sense of contentment: I was alive to persist, even if without purpose. It’s something I’m still not used to accepting, that I’m here to stay, but it’s welcome. Welcome for the fact that I can truly enjoy this all and that I’m not simply placing a world of expectations upon a complete stranger.
I’m no longer lying. No longer a charlatan. But— what does that make me now?
The smile faded with a sigh. Along with the understanding that I now worked for my own sake, I had truly registered everything I’d lost. Having memories of my life as I was before does me little good in understanding how to live again, so I was faced with the rough road ahead. Becoming someone new, or at least someone I thought I should be. I wasn't Kiyomi anymore, not with the continuation of memory. Not one, yet, not quite the other.
…
…
The next step, I— what even would be next? What do I do now?
I thought back to the one I knew already was willing to go a bit far for my sake. The thought of Beryl’s mention, that Vaughn was nearly arrested in an attempt to track me down.
Vaughn, I’ll see him first.
“Is that good?”
A son and a father, one young, one old. They sat in the dimly lit bedroom, staring at each other. No words were shared, just a simple nod or a nudge of weak fingers signaling a confirmation.
“I’m sorry that we were gone for so long.”
The son spoke through dried lips, the flicker of the fireplace lighting the sight before him. He thought that his father was being broken by age. A man who chose to sire a son beyond the years he could honestly promise to raise the boy. The old man’s eyes reflected the fire, even as they shifted and twitched as he labored to respond. In the end, through labored breaths and a wince, he raised a hand, weakly waving it at his boy.
“You always do say you’re never the soft type, and now you’re telling me not to worry. That it?”
The old man nodded, smirking as he did.
“Yah, lil’shite.”
The words were pressed through pursed lips.
“Vaughn, you were always head smart. Not good with your words, aye, but smart. The least you can do is humor what sentimental bullshit I throw at you when I’m feeling unwell.”
Gregor paused, rolling his head in his pillow, settling it in its cradle.
“I know I didn’t always offer it, son. At least let me start. Since you know what will be coming, I’d rather-.”
“Pa, I’d rather think about how I’m going to get your old arse up for breakfast. You’re a slow riser.”
The quip forced Greggor into a chuckle, his son's retort catching him off guard. He could appreciate the influence of friends on the boy, but he could also see the sunken eyes, the lack of appetite, and the sudden turn for Greggors own attention.
“Well, maybe if you’d bother learning a thing or two about cooking. I can’t keep eating the same stew you make out there in the wilds. Gristly as all hell. S’miracle, you seem to keep two women in your company with that.”
Vaughn rolled his eyes, leaning back into his chair.
Vaughn's mind wandered to the fried chicken breast that Kiyomi made for him weeks ago at this point.
“C’mon Pa, only one matters in that math. ‘Side’s, we share the cooking– actually, when we were in Krakow–”
A sudden rap at the door interrupted his words, Gregor and Vaughn both looking through the entrance of the bedroom to the, the separate fire of the living room.
“I shouldn't have visitors, you boy?”
Vaughn cocked his head back, feigning ignorance to his father.
“Not myself, Pa, you sleep well, alright? I’ll handle.”
Gregor raised a brow before coughing weakly.
“Whatever you say.”
Would either of them put up with me after doing something like this to them again?! I- I haven’t been away as long, but I left out of nowhere. They got my notes, I’m sure they did.
I paused, my knuckles mere inches from the wood door to Vauhgns home, preparing myself for the worst outcome. The thought of Gregor’s hobbling form opening the door in Vaughn's stead. Immediately being returned home, wasting the chance to truly show the two how much I valued then above all else, even above my own family.
Knock-knock
My heart raced, thrumming in my chest for the alien sense of anticipation. I felt like a puppy, oddly, eager to meet another.
Shit, am I ready all the same? It only has been a day, maybe I should-
The door opened with a creak, the silhouette of the person I’d hoped for standing in my gaze in a new light. My friend, someone I cared for, and I realized that last barrier of acceptance was all it took to look at him in the light that only a select few could hope to hold in a person's life.
“Vaughn, I’m sorry I ran off. Listen, I - there were a few things I needed to think through, and I just couldn't.”
A hand grabbed at my wrist, catching me off guard as Vaughn leaned forward, looking each way before suddenly yanking me into the home and closing the door behind us with a gentle click.
“Can you stop running off out of nowhere like that?”
That’s a surprising amount of assertiveness out of nowhere. Have I been misjudging him?
Vaughn’s voice was low, attempting to remain unheard. Gregor had to be home, considering the attempt to control his volume. It wasnt much longer before he pulled me towards him, enveloping me in a hug.
“And thank you, for not brushing us aside.”
I found my arms slowly joining his, wrapping around his back. I leaned my forehead into his shoulder.
This is me hugging him, me, no one else.
“I couldn't do that to either of you, not again.”
We stood like that for some time, the crackle of the fireplace keeping us in good company.
“But your parents?”
“Hmph- hm, maybe just this once. I need a break from my dad… You already knew? I thought it was some kind of secret. That took no time at all.”
I chuckled, speaking into his shoulder as muffled as I failed to fight back a concealed smile.
“Only from you. Those two weren’t shy about it out of your line of sight. Callum played the part of the protective father the moment he saw Beryl and me orbiting around you. Are you one to talk anywho? Dad?”
“Heh, I don’t dislike him. I’d lie if I thought of Dad as anything but that, my ‘Dad.”
We slowly parted, a slow ebb of disappointment reminiscent of the hug we shared in Krakow.
Disappointing as it is, I need to understand it first. The feeling is the same for them both, but for him, well, he’s always awake for these moments.
“Pa’s asleep, so mind the noise.”
I raised my hands, wincing in an attempt to form the words ‘my bad’ into a gesture. I slowly fiddled with my belt, unlatching it and slowly guiding Wyrmstooth to the ground, the buckled following suit.
“Sit where you like.”
Vaughn mumbled, his weight suddenly falling into a sofa laden with furs, allowing the light to frame him better. With the feeling of meeting him as if It were the first fleeting, I could take in his actual condition. He seemed tired, not physically, but mentally; his eyes bagged, patched scruff a mess, and hair disheveled.
“You look worse than you probably thought I’d look right about now.”
He smirked.
“I mean, you look like shit.”
I took my seat next to him, letting my weight rest upon the hay and wool-stuffed furniture as gently as I could manage. With me seated, he sighed, running a hand through his hair.
“Lay it on why don’t you?”
“It almost makes me worry.”
It does, somewhat. Was this a bad time to pull my disappearing act?
“Almost?”
He asked, sinking the mood of the prior reunion even further. For a moment, he seemed like he’d hesitate before speaking quietly.
“Pa’s all there, for now.”
Gregor’s condition.
“Confirmation of our worries?”
I asked softly, leaning forward on my knee’s. It wasnt time, not yet. The time to tell the two the full story would come, but not when so much is already happening.
“Aye.”
He nodded, leaning against the arm of the sofa, looking over with reddened eyes.
“I was worried for you, but trust that this-”
Vaughn waved a hand in front of his face.
“You hold no blame for.”
… Thankfully…
“I’m sorry I pulled this at such a time.”
I looked away, back to the fireplace.
“Please. Kiyomi, we know you have reasons. Knowing your own troubles?”
Sure, you both know enough to understand that. But… that is the past now.
I nodded, weaving my fingers together as I slowly thought through my words. About how I wanted to ‘greet’ each of them. My whole mind, my personality, my very being changed irreversibly, but possibly for the better.
“Mhmm.”
I could hear Vaughn lean forward to join me as I replied.
“What was all that about?”
He asked, his voice coarse as he struggled to whisper with his encroaching maturity.
“To disappear again. You look in too good a spirit to have had the same experience as Krakow.”
I smiled, fielding what I’d had wielded against me time and time again by my mother.
“It’s done, all of it. The fighting with myself, the doubting, the pushing you both away… It’s all over.”
I raised my eyes to Vaughn’s.
“I’m not the same person I was before, and I can live with that.”
Just as soon as I found myself trying to lock gazes with him, my own cowered away once more; both from regret and a new sensation.
Why am I feeling so… hesitant? No, that’s not right.
I shook my head, straightening my posture.
“I’m not who I was before, so, with that, I believe an introduction is in order.”
I stood myself on my feet, using gravity and the leverage of my arms on my knee’s to propel me forward. I stood over him now, Vaughn looking back up at me with a sense of confusion and something else. I leaned forward, cocking my hips to the side with a hand hanging at an empty belt look. My tail whipped at the air, attempting to deliver what remnant of my old personality could still show through who I was now.
“So I keep hearing something about this Vaughn Baros fella, about being some heck of an engineer. Well, maybe he’s also a pretty good guy, even if half the guild seems to have some kind of bet on him. Know where I can find him?”
I looked to the ceiling, exaggerating the ploy of a troublemaker trying to ruse her way into someone's good favor. I waved my free hand through the air, twirling it, feigning impatience. It was a few moments that I stood there like that, looking through the corner of my eye and searching for his reaction. It wasn't long before he caught on; his weary expression was replaced with one of mirth. His lips parts with a heavy sigh, then a low whisper toned reply.
“I’m him.”
He nodded.
“Maybe you can tell me about this trouble-making imp running around half the forest causing trouble. You know a girl by the name of Kiyomi?”
You…
Excitement flooded my chest for a moment; the sight of the same playful attitude he’d fielded years ago was still alive and well, free of the roughhousing that accompanied our fieldwork. This was congenial, simple, and innocent in heart and mind. I stood at full height, looking down at Vaughn with an exaggerated expression of surprise.
“Ooooh, I aaam!”
I leaned forward, reaching my free hand out towards him, grinning in the same toothy way I always managed.
“Nice to meet you, Vaughn.”
I whispered, his hand reaching out and interlocking with my own.
“And you, Kiyomi.”
…
…
…
It was done. The girl he knew before was wiped away. There was no mask nor character to play, only his friend. A friend who had no plan of abandoning him the way she’d been preparing to since the first they met. This one he was stuck with, no matter how the wind blew against their sails.
“You have anywhere to sleep tonight… Kiyomi?”
He asked, strangely hesitant as if he’d receive an immediate rejection to his offer of shelter.
C’mon guy, don’t give me that puppy dog expression. I know you don't want me to leave right now.
“Nope.”
I replied with a smile.
“Then, would you like to stay the night?”
He asked, understanding the answer before he even asked, to which I nodded emphatically.
“Make room.”
I pushed gently at his shoulder, almost ushering him from the sofa.
“Ah, I’ll head to my be-”
I cut him off, the tug of my fingers grabbing at his shirt, stopping his sentence short, intent on the final part of why I came to Vaughn first and foremost.
“Kiyomi?”
At this gesture, Vaughn seemed genuinely confused.
“Vaughn.”
My voice took a far more gentle turn than I ever thought possible at that moment. The feelings- No, the want to reciprocate every measure of empathy he and Beryl both gave to me, overwhelming my want to sleep free of any minor discomfort. My boots were already loose enough, falling to the ground as I loosely kicked them free. I tossed my legs onto the couch, laying myself on the furs.
“Lay down, here.”
He was hesitant, and surely must have been nervous for something well off the mark than what I intended to provide.
“I can see the flush in your cheeks, Vaughn. Don’t think too far ahead of what’s happening.”
I struggled to stifle my giggles. It was funny interacting with him as if he was someone I’d just met and watching him become so flustered on the spot. Lowering himself onto the sofa, he laid his head back onto the sofa’s arm beside mine. He felt as if he’d jump from his skin as I pressed myself against him. I continued in the same gentle, warm tone.
“You need this yourself, the warmth, the care.”
I pressed my head into his arm, obscuring my face from his, unable to face him even with my own gall.
“Let me be that for you right now. I can see it in your eyes.”
My tail weakly dislodged a fur from the sofa’s back, the warm pelt unraveling over us and settling the matter, even if we’d shared not a word between us. For a moment, I could have sworn his breathing shuddered from a suppressed whimper, allowing himself that small break in holding himself together.
“Thank you.”
The confirmation came in his voice, wavering as he settled his chin in between my horns, readying himself to drift off to sleep.
“You’re my friend, Vaughn. You need these moments, too.”
The words we shared drifted, falling off like a leaf from a tree, drifting in the wind that was the crackle of the fire and its kindling.
This was the right thing to do. You needed this more… Beryl.
I shuddered as my jaw forced itself open into a yawn.
What should I do for... Beryl... tired...
A glimpse of cloth flowing in the wind flashed across my mind.
...
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Fuck it...
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