V2 C154
“So what do you think?”
“Figure your snake friend will like it?”
Callum and Findlay each stood around opposite sides of the table, leaning over Beryls focus as I looked it over.
That’s mighty innovative of them, or is this something people have worked up before?
The focus for Beryl was nearly finished, laying flat against the tabletop. It was a gauntlet, one of the last things I’d think to give her in all honesty, its base being brass hammered, sanded, and polished. The nephrite was layered in plates, mimicking the scales of some kind of dragon’s forearm, and even the hand and fingers were shaped from the quartz, hollowed by some unknown means, and held together by a strange silk-like substance. It was by all means, a very well-made piece of equipment, looking like a full gauntlet that encompassed even the shoulder.
“Why a Gauntlet? Why not something like a spear?”
I looked up from the focus as I asked, only looking back down to fiddle with the fingers of the piece.
They’re interlinked? Is this actually armor?
“Well, figured Beryl doesn’t have much for an actual means of defense outside of the guild knife. A gauntlet with a claw setup like this? Can very easily be used to defend yourself when it doesn’t take much effort at all to actually stick the claws into flesh. Give it a try on that leather right there.”
Callum pointed to a rack of leather. Approaching it, I slipped my right arm into the gauntlet and gently ran my fingers along the material. It left clean cuts, as if a fresh razor had run through the material.
“Damn, that’s a bit more fierce than I expected.”
All the better, considering everything at her disposal is magic, save her coils.
“And all the better, most mages don’t bother carrying anything worth a damn for protection. Right lot of cocky bastards, the magic breeds the sentiment in ya. I’d do mah best to make sure your ‘girl-friend’ doesn’t read too much from that gift.”
Findlay raised a brow, placing further rolls of gold and silver wire from a leather bag onto the table.
“Kindly keep the implications to yourself.”
“Kindly keep the implications to yourself.”
Callum and I looked between each other, having uttered our respective words in sync.
“So you’re actually conscious of those prods at every turn, aye?”
I looked away, the typical feeling of bashfulness that came with admitting something to a parent that you clearly didn’t want.
“Somewhat…”
Maybe we could talk with Callum? He wouldn’t know, would he? Right? We can trust him not to fall back on that.
“Do you have a moment?”
I placed the gauntlet down, Callum taking off his apron with an obvious lack of hesitance.
“For my girl? Any time.”
“For your girl?”
I smirked, placing my hands on my hips. It was a weak facade though, the hunt the day prior and my lack of sleep showing in my own sluggishness.
“Ah—“
Callum posted himself, placing his knuckles over his mouth in an attempt to silence himself or stifle some vague admission.
“Sorry, I misspoke. ‘For my niece.”
And of all things, the words seemed to pinch at his side, to say them casually.
Odd, never flustered himself with that before.
“So, what’s the imp need this time around? Some advice? Or are you wanting to proper vent yesterday’s hunt? I wouldn’t be fibbing to say you look like bagged arse.”
Callum chuckled a moment as he produced a cigarette.
“Give’em.”
I motioned, Callum flinching suddenly as I caught him in the same habit he promised to kick.
You want to quit? You need help if you want to… right damned hypocrite aren’t I?
He dropped his head, reaching into a pocket and handing me a fresh bundle of tobacco he’d no doubt purchased not long ago. I took the bundle in hand, flinging it as far as I could manage into the field ahead of us.
“Can’t let a promise past you.”
I shook my head, leaning back against the forges exterior wall.
“Mn-mmm, not when I had to bleed my thoughts to you.”
“Hmph, sounds less like a deal and more like a one-sided contract.”
“What can I say, I’d like to keep you around.”
“And what’s that supposed to imply?”
Callum looked over, shaking his head as he was likely confused at my reasoning. Raising his head, he looked to the clearing with me.
“That’s not a sentiment a teen should be throwing my way when I’m not even into my forties. What did you want to talk about?”
“Hhhhh, where do I start? I feel suffocated like something just out of sight is being held over me, purposefully kept out of reach.”
“What makes you think it? Y’definitely seem more sullen since your return. S’not something you feel comfortable discussing as you usually would?”
You’ve got me confused of my own words with that response Callum, but… yes…
“Mn, no way I think I can really broach the subject. Not easily, not when I see you all trying so hard.”
I smiled softly, finding every inch I managed to gain with myself taken away by my own inability to actually talk about my feelings for fear of my own sanity. Looking down to the soil ahead of me, a line of ants passing along with some bits of ill-begotten bug that fell to their numbers.
“I’d feel like I’m spitting in the face of everyone, and while It seems wrong to hold it in, I can’t bring myself to let it out.”
“Aye… Seem’s like we all feel like that sometimes.”
I stole a glance at Callum as he remained silent, rubbing the finger I could have sworn I’d spotted his ring on.
“In time, Kiyomi, you’ll find the moment. Just-“
I sat up fully, placing an arm over my shoulder.
“Know that your mother, and I—“
He stopped himself, and his own hesitance disappointed me for some reason.
“The whole team, we love you like you’re our daughter as well. Even Chessa, as shite she is at showing it. She was talking about dragging you out to a hunting trip in a month or two.”
I raised a brow.
“A full hunt? Or traditional game?”
“Traditional.”
Callum smirked.
“I’d say you should go, you wouldn’t be disappointed, trust me.”
We shared a smirk between us, thinking of how Chessa tended to be withdrawn. It was nice though, considering our first hunt together a few years back. She takes me out from time to time, and it's a welcome event, like when Callum and I would go fishing.
“I’d say– I’m not able of mind enough to take much more disappointment.”
It was my turn to drag out Callums own curiosity of what could be out of place. He wasn't dumb, for one, and he should very well have been able to lean into his instinct so far with me. I’m his ‘little girl’ as if any of that is really deserved in me.
That's not right, to deny him? Before you can even prod to see if he hid the knowledge too? And you're playing with him, trying to lead him on without actually telling him what's wrong! You may not be Kiyomi… but as Lorn said… the teenage rebellious streak.
A nudge, then a hand on my head, pushing subtly back to Callums side as he tried to comfort me as a father.
“This isn't about Krakow, is it? Did one of those two do anything?”
What?
A sudden shot of anger roused from my core, and suddenly all the open thoughts I'd edged on; confiding with the closest thing to a father figure, everything was yanked back inside, packed away tightly by my instinctual need to shield myself from her thoughts and feelings. As ironic that may have ever felt, given I could control the impulses less and less.
“Y’know, Uncle Cal? I think that's enough for me, you weren't the one I needed to have this talk with.”
I swiped his arm from my shoulder.
“Kiyomi?”
Think straight! Don't give into it! Not into these–
“Don’t– christ! Wha–”
A swell of emotion, riding through me like a strange chemical high and giving strength to my stacking levels of exhaustion
“Lately it's only been you fuckin worrying about one of them trying to get close to me, Cal! Fuck, did you ever think for a fuckin second it somehow wasn't one of you that's making me like this?! Not them?!”
I turned around, grinding my palms into my horns.
“For fucks sake, you always act like I don't even know what that's about! I do!”
I turned around, leaning forward as I yelled at Callum, all the while he was probably even more confused than before.
“They aren't tryna ’go further’! And that's not the issue either! It's other shit! Shit i wish i didn't even know, and you somehow–”
I backed away a moment, realizing I'd blown my top while he was just trying to help. Albeit, in his typical ‘dad like’ way.
“I– I’m not sure I can talk to anyone about this, not even you, now. I can’t even—”
I can’t maintain my train of thought. I can’t express my worries in a way that anyone can help, can I?
Another nail, another weight of loneliness, another reminder that, no matter how ‘close’ my ‘family’ was, I couldn't trust them because of my own fears.
“That--I'm sorry, I'm going home, I need some sleep.’
Just as Callum was rushing to his feet, whether to scold or comfort me, I was unable to discern. The only hint of the answer was a sudden pale faced expression of shock.
Even a nightmare, something, an escape from this… even a nightmare of Oklahoma City—I would take any nightmare that would give me an escape.
Everything was a blur past my continued outbursts. I was only a fraction more stable than Krakow, but I still struggled to assert my emotions. Especially when, as they stood, my current flow of feelings, the outbursts, the highs and lows, were each and everyone alien to me. I couldn't comprehend thinking the way I did before. Recalling every calculated decision I could, even the stupid ones, they still came from such a different place of mind. Was this her emotions dictating my own? Her thoughts? Her will? I pulled the blanket tighter over myself, staring at the wall of my room as I pressed my forehead into it.
This feels like a special kind of hell…
I stared.
Am I doomed to some kind of lost future? Is this what Solah meant? Am I doomed to just fade into her being?
I clenched the blanket tightly in my hands, the encompassing warmth shielding me from the outside world. The only part of me exposed was my face, and that was pointed toward the boards that made up the bedroom walls.
Hell, a hell where one isn't tortured but is conscious to watch themselves become another person entirely.
I stared into the wood grain, my sight blurring as my eyes fell in and out of focus.
Why does it have to be like this?
Silence, for a long time, and from nowhere, a voice indistinguishable from reality or some self-imposed bout of auditory hallucination.
It does not have to be.
Shut up! This is your doing!
I clenched my teeth now, curling tighter as I continued to press my head against the wall, until suddenly.
Click.
A sound from behind brings me back to reality, to the sound of droning conversation downstairs, to the sound of wind against the building, to the sound of a crackling fireplace and to the sound of someone slowly entering my room.
Silence.
“Kiyomi?”
Mother, Hatsumi, was the sole being I wanted—the one who promised me to be the one person I should be able to trust explicitly throughout my life.
You lied, too.
I didn’t acknowledge her, wanting to keep my words to myself at risk of having another outburst similar to what I did with Callum.
“Are you awake?”
I didn’t respond, remaining still, breathing softly, holding in my words as my want to confide lost to my sheer stubbornness. The only response I’d given was the soft flick of my tail at my sheets
“Lorn told me you had a tough one last night… Three Stalkers, and a Skullker on top of that? I’d have wet myself seeing one that big at your age.”
Words, gentle and quiet, almost the same as the night I balled in her arms six years earlier. I could hear her get closer, slowly leaning into the bed as she let it take up her weight as she leaned close. Placing a hand on my shoulder, it was everything I could manage to keep from throwing myself into her arms with the simple gesture.
“What am I to do with you, Kiyomi?”
She seemed exhausted as she spoke, the air leaving her chest as if she was being bore down upon.
“What even triggered that episode? With Callum, you’ve never exploded like that on any of us. Granted, Krakow. Your memories…”
I’m sorry, I didn’t— I shouldn’t have run away from him.
A break in the words, her exhaustion more and more evident.
“There’s something more to it than just your memories, I can feel it. I’ve known you too long, Kiyomi. And yet, I can’t bring myself to ask. Knowing what I know about you… In no way could I even know where to start.”
I truly can’t hide anything… from any of you.
There was silence, for a long time, until I felt the words crack from my mouth.
“Why would it come to this?”
She flinched as I asked a question with no realistic answer.
“It’s so pitiful, the way it feels to say ‘what else could we do.”
She was meek in her words.
“What would cause her to look like that… to look so tired? We asked ourselves that, after you came home. It was bad enough that you couldn’t even take a break after returning, especially after like you usually do, instead throwing yourselves into another hunt.”
Her voice trailed off.
“For a moment, I could have sworn I saw myself in you, how I was before we found you…”
Her hand clasped around the comforter’s surface in a similar feeling to that of my own hands clasping against it.
“I’m your mother, but at the same time, I feel as if speaking of this with you, as if I was there for you your entire life. I’d feel like a charlatan, even with how close we are. Like I’d trodden onto ground I have no right to speak upon.”
Her hand slowly relaxed, abandoning its place on my shoulder.
“What do I do for you here? Am I a failure of a mother? I couldn’t even get you to confide in me with your issues over your image. For Solah’s sake I’ve only met one or two others that wrapped their chests like that and it must have been for infinitely different reasons.”
A quiet scoff, doubting her own words as she uttered them to herself.
“I have no clue what to do here, what to say to you. What happened? For the life of me I can’t get to the bottom of it… And the only thing I can rightly imagine, is the same thing I fear discussing, coupled with the inevitable thought that I’ll have to let you— to let you go…”
Her voice was shaken, some unseen thoughts and anxiety culminating in an unsteady demeanor.
“Mama, I-“
My voice wavered as I slowly rolled over, pushing my head against one of mothers legs. Her arm came back over my shoulder, brushing it ever so lightly.
“You’re my little girl, Kiyomi, Gods’ know I’ve always seen you as such. But—“
A quake in her voice.
“Gods’ sake, you have your memories back. You said as much yourself. Someone out there is looking for you, they must be—“
…
Her words stopped there, as Hatsumi could just barely contain her dragging breath and subdued weeping. Then, just as softly as when she seated herself, she attempted to part.
“Don’t go, not yet.”
I felt myself reaching out, tugging at her robe.
“Kiyomi, I-“
She stopped her words in their tracks as she looked down at me. She could see I was struggling to find the words.
“I just want to know… you knew. You knew everything?”
She grimaced as if a knife had just been twisted within her.
“I never knew when to—“
“Mama?”
My interruption stopped her once more.
“Did you think it was the right thing to do?”
Silence, again, and with it, a slow and once more hesitant nod.
“Aye, sweetheart.”
I released her, my hands seeking shelter back under my covers.
“That’s all I needed, thank you…”
I looked back up at her, taking note of the mixed emotions of relief and fear. Then, as I trailed my eyes downward, I caught a glimpse of the same matching ring that Callum now wore in the open.
“You and Papa are back together now?”
Her fur seemed to stand on end.
“How did you—“
She seemed shocked at the question.
“Papa had his on earlier at the forge, I showed up out of nowhere… and Mama?”
Another pause , until she actively acknowledged my words.
“Yes?”
“I love you, Mama.”
“I— I love you too, dear.”
The last conscious memory of the night rolled past as if it were a dream. Mother leaned down, pressing her forehead against my own. Not a word further was spoken as she stood, quietly approaching the door.
She did what she thought was right… I can live with that. I can accept that.