Chapter 43 – Identities

"It's almost two o'clock. With the transformation in a bit over three hours... it should be exactly at five." Letty says, sitting on my side and leaning on my shoulder while looking at the holographic panel in front of her. "Hm, was VOW launched at five? No, I don't think so."

"Dunno how it was in your case, but where I lived it was lauched at one o'clock." I say lightly. "Not like it matters. If it's a game available on many planets, it's impossible to sync it all to even hours."

"Yeah." Letty nods on my shoulder just lightly enough to convey the meaning and closes the panel. She then leans forward and props herself, and snuggles closer to me with a small smile, burying her face in my wild hair she has bunched over my shoulder.

We sit for a while in silence, enjoying each other's presence, till Letty speaks again. "I saved your account on the ship so you'll have free access to it. Do you want to check on it? " She asks. "I don't think you did since Monday, so your friends might be worried. And Xethu? She's your friend, right?"

"Sure, I'd like to check." I nod and Letty waves her hand and I see a holographic window floating to my front. "About Xethu, well, friend in progress I would say?" I smile wryly. "We barely made up before... all that happened, so I can't honestly say we're friends again, but, well... she's also a demon, so she's like... my kin? Something like that." Hm, I wonder, she probably has her transformation as well, probably in three months? Well, two and a half now, but the point stands. I should help her out. But that's for later.

I see Letty nodding and I focus on the window in front of me, and the first thing I notice is a blinking notification icon with a number eleven. Well, not like I didn't expect something like that.

I go to the notifications and the first one I see is from my mother. I frown, temped to delete it, but I might want it later so I'll just leave it on unread. Or maybe she'll be able to see that I'm online and make more problems?

"Letty?" She turns her head to me lazily. "Can you save my mother's and father's contacts somewhere? I want to delete them so they won't see I'm online or anything, but I want to be able to reach them if something comes up."

"Mm, sure. You can delete them already." She replies and waves her hand, a panel jumping up in front of her.

"Thanks." I say as she starts tapping on the panel and I go back to the notifications.

I skip three missed calls from my mother, skim the two messages briefly to see if they are what I expect them to be, and delete them with distaste seeing it's her worrying about me along with a few not so stealthily inserted promises and threats.

Then I open a message from my father, which is much better in the way it merely asks for confirmation about the trans stuff and if I'm safe, which is surprisingly polite and actually expresses concern, not demands. Maybe he's not as bad as mother then? I could never really put my finger on it, but with what's been happening recently, it would make sense. Hm.

I delete mother's contacts from my account, then write a short and concise yes in reply to father and delete his contacts as well.

I close my eyes and sigh deeply when I'm done with the thing. Part of me still wants to talk to them and explain things, but I'm not going to. At least not anytime soon, because I've more than enough things to take care of without my parents in the equation.

I open my eyes and go straight to the next message, this one from Xethu, listed as Katarin still. The three following as well. I change that one name quickly and open the chat.

Xethu: Helia, what happened to you?

Xethu: I remember someone coming into the kitchen after your mother and knocking her unconscious, and then she knocked me out as well.

Xethu: I've been questioned about it when police came, but I'm now back at home.

Xethu: Reply please if you're safe. I need to talk to you.

Hm hm, alright. I reach out to the keyboard, but before I can write anything there is a distinct sound of a call and a new panel pops up before my eyes.

A call from Xethu. Well, that is a fast reaction. I went online no more than five minutes ago. Um... After a moment of hesitation I tap the disconnect call button and quickly type a reply.

Helia: Sorry, I can't talk now.

"I don't mind." Letty mumbles from my shoulder she has started leaning on again at some point and I glance at her questioning face.

"It's not about your permission." I say quietly. "I just don't want anything disturbing us now and taking up our mind. I'll talk to her later." I sigh lightly. "I might sound like a bitch now for ignoring her, but I've more than enough things on my mind without her. And I wanna be with you without any distractions, especially now." I mumble in quieter voice.

I see Letty giving me a small, happy smile in response and I look back at the panel and start writing a message.

Helia: Do you have a Space-time Linking Crystal in your inventory in VOW? When does it activate?

I wait only a few seconds for a reply from her.

Xethu: I have, in around two and a half months. Why do you ask?

Thought so.

Helia: Alright, then it's nothing. I'm fine now, though I won't be returning anytime soon. Glad to hear you're okay. Don't worry about me, but I'm busy and I can't talk right now. If it's nothing urgent, text me in the evening, I'll probably be free then. I'll also explain in more detail what happened back there.

Aaand sent. I'm a bit conflicted leaving her a message like that, but in between what is real and what is not, my True Demon form, accomodating to living here, Letty's parents and their revelations, and lastly Letty's transformation, I've got way too much to think and worry about and I don't want anything more right now.

"Mm, thanks." Letty says in a tiny voice as she leans on my shoulder and I look at her questioningly. "I wanna some peace now." She says kinda sleepily.

"Mhm." I mumble in affirmation and reach out my hand to her head and start to trail my hand over her hair lightly.

I tap the notifications again and see that the two last messages are both from Catherine, so I read them quickly.

Catherine: Hello, Helia, you haven't been online and in school for a long while. Is everything alright?

Catherine: We were wondering if you're going to be in Black Harbor at Friday. We were planning to go for a long request and stay a night or two in the forest. If you can, write back before then.

I think for a while. It's technically Friday now, going by Gaia's standard clock that is, and Letty will be transforming soon. I glance at her and see her leaning on me without concern, and I make my decision.

Helia: I've had a bit of a problem out of VOW, but I'm alright now. I won't be coming back to school for reasons I can't really explain now. You can start the request without me. I'll probably be in VOW at Friday, but I've no idea when. You can give me your location so I'll be able to catch you.

Hm, that should be alright. I discard the chat window and sigh deeply, looking up into the ceiling of the den, and close my eyes.

I stay in place and simply enjoy Letty's presence next to me for a long while, and she seems to be doing the same, just more actively, because she is leaning on me and lighlty rubbing her head into my hair laying in a bunch over my collarbone. She does it slower and slower for a while with her head lowering progressively, until a few minutes later when she stops completely on my chest and I hear her slow breathing as if she was sleeping. Maybe she is? But how would she fall asleep now, with the tension before her transformation.

I open my eyes, raising my head a bit, and look at her leaning on my breasts with a small smile and peaceful face. Don't tell me she fell asleep, because that would be awkward.

"She did." I hear an amused voice, and I barely stop myself from bolting upright in... I don't know. Something. Joy? Happiness? Nervousness? Maybe all of them, maybe neither.

It's Shiva. And now that I know VOW is another world, she is...

"Don't worry about little Letty." Shiva says in kind voice. "Her body is preparing itself for the transformation now, so she fell asleep not to feel all that."

I nod my head, not trusting my voice at the moment, and gulp with a stupid knot in my chest. I open my mouth and try to say... something, but nothing comes out.

"Shhh. It's alright." Shiva says softly and I... I don't know. I stay silent. "We'll meet soon." I hear and I open my eyes wide. Soon? When? How? "Don't worry about it now. Take care of little Letty. When we meet, I'll answer your questions. Till then, may stars light your way, my little girl." She says in her divine voice, so not matching her soft, loving tone and yet perfectly... right, and I feel something inexplicable in my chest.

What do I feel?

Hapiness? Relief? Anticipation? Longing...?

I don't know.

I suddenly see a faint image of a person in my mind, of a girl, you could even say, and as I try to focus on it, it slips me. I try again to recall it, and I fail, but I remember it. I remember her, but I don't know how she looks. Is it Shiva? Yeah, I'm sure it's Shiva. Why am I so sure? No idea. I just know.

And it's so... moving. So... nostalgic? No, it's different.

But I'm really... happy.

...

So, yeah, I said I didn't want anything else to think about now, but Shiva kinda... gave me. A lot. A whole lot.

My mom. It's so... surreal.

It's not that she seems to be a goddess or someone of similar power, because I, not to sound narcissistic, I'm pretty similar in this matter, and will definitely be in the future. It's also not that she, now that I think about it, is the most likely culprit behind my body... behind who I am.

It's just that... I want to be her daughter. It's so simple when I say it, but also so amazingly huge.

Whenever I hear her, I'm happy, and I can't wait to hear from her again. Whenever I hear her, it's that strange feeling in my heart... I can't describe it. I just don't know how.

I sigh deeply and glance at Letty laying peacefully in the den on my side. Well over an hour has already passed, and she's still sleeping in the same way, breathing deeply, with no sign of anything being wrong. And I guess that's good.

I am keeping her company, sitting on her side, and I'm thinking about Shiva all this time. Maybe I should thank her that she distracted me from overthinking Letty's transformation? Heh.

I'm trying to find a reason why I feel this way about Shiva. Who I am, even.

Biologically, she is not my parent. Or maybe I just don't remember it? I didn't live my childhood as Helia, and I never got to know Shiva, but my feelings are not from nothing.

Where is Helia's childhood, in the meaning of this body? Where did this body come from? Origin in collapsing star... Stars are not alive... or are they? No, they are not, that's obvious, though I'm not sure why.

Either way, this body, as well as my feelings, don't come from nowhere. They must originate from somewhere, though I don't know from where, and that's the moot point.

I can make up theories, come up with ideas, but I fundamentally lack knowledge on this matter to make proper judgement.

This body could have been created by Shiva. It could have been... birthed by her as well, though that sounds a but weird if I put myself into that situation. It could have been a spontaneous creation as well, as it was said in the race description. All three would have their own unique implications, but they're all not all the options, just the ones I came up with. Considering that Shiva called me her daughter, the second one sounds most plausible, but I can't say for certain.

It also leaves the topic of my soul unattended. Even if we put intentional tampering with my feelings or with my soul aside, because I don't want to even consider it, it leaves me with far too many options to list them all. Some if them could be that my soul ended up changing after I entered this body, or that my awareness shifted from Zenon's soul to mine and it sort of replaced the former, but both of those sound wrong.

The two explanations that sound most plausible to me are either that my soul has been this way since my birth and Shiva just got me a body to go along with it or that my soul has been this way since before my birth and has been put in Zenon's body. Be it by accident, purposefully by Shiva, or yet something else, I don't know, but I won't come up with an answer by myself.

I sigh deeply. I guess what Shiva said is all I can do. Not concern myself with all that for now, and get the answers when I meet Shiva. I wonder when will it be.

Till then, knowing I'm Helia, Star Demoness, is enough. What about Zenon? Was I ever Zenon? Where is Shiva in all that? I smile lightly and look up. I'll wait patiently, mom.

As I lie like that, thinking a bit about things, I notice a minute change in Letty's body and glance down at her to see her eyebrows in a tight frown, her face strained. I lean forward quickly and I place my hand on her forehead lightly, and I take her hand in mine and squeeze tightly, reassuringly.

I look at my girlfriends face as it relexes ever so slightly, and she suddenly starts changing. With my magic sense I see her core suddenly... being in her, resting in its proper place, and I see a torrent of Nihility flowing out into her body. When it starts swirling inside her body in incomprehensible patterns, I look with bated breath as her body shape changes slighlty into that she had in VOW, her skin slowly turns snow white, her hair shifts into this inviting abyss black, her face shifts ever so slightly and becomes what it was in VOW... but not exactly.

There are some little differences, though I can't really point them out. She's not Levia. She's still Letty. I smile as I realize that.

It seems I'm different from her.

She clung to her identity as Letty, she wanted to keep it with her, so she remained Letty. I wanted nothing to do with Zenon, so I became Helia.

It was the realization of my wishes. Being myself, not the shell Zenon was.

I'm smiling when the girl on my side, my girlfriend, Letty, opens up her vibrant violet eyes, two galaxies trapped in marbles, and we gaze into each other's eyes, seeing each tiny feeling passing through them.

"Helia." She says softly, squeezing my hand tight. Strongly, far above her strength before.

"Letty." I say in response in the same manner.

Surprise, realization, acceptance. Letty smiles lovingly, sits up, and finds her lips locked with mine as I wrap her in a tight embrace, unable to wait any longer.