Chapter 12 – Dysphoria and love

My consciousness slowly stitches itself together and I grudgingly realize I am inside the pod, the quiet whirring of engines telling me it’s already opening.

And I absolutely don’t feel like going out.

It feels so… wrong.

Everything feels wrong.

Fuck, but I need to go. As much as I hate it, as much as I don’t want to, laying here won’t bring me any good. Not to mention all the shit my parents would do…

My parents?

I reach out with my hand to pull myself out of the pod, and only manage to bash the lip of the pod as my hand, larger than it should, misses, and I hit myself painfully in my wrist.

“Fuck.” I swear, and the next moment flinch and reel back, hearing my voice.

Rough, low, deep, reverberating awfully in my chest.

I sound… like a man.

I take a deep breath try to calm myself down… partly successfully. I manage to think straight as I can in my situation, but the knot in my chest and my twisting stomach still remain.

But I know I can’t stay in the pod, so I reach out with my hand again, this time fumbling carefully with the lid to make sure I have proper grip on it, constantly and unpleasantly reminded how large and rough my hand is.

I pull myself upwards, and fuck, why am I so heavy and inflexible? There is also the deeply uncomfortable feeling of missing weight on both my front and back and awful sense of something lacking behind me I can’t quite place before I notice my tail is nowhere in sight. And yet another place I'm lacking being the sides of my head where my horns should be.

I take a deep, shaky breath and raise my legs, turning to sit sideways on the pod, and even then feel another uncomfortable thing. My legs, or my feet to be exact, are not split, are built wrong, are so stiff.

And, fuck, it’s awful, disgusting and terrible.

The way my body moves, the way hard muscles prevent me from making full movements, the way my legs, the hair on them specifically, brush against each other, and the way something disgusting, sweaty and absolutely uncomfortable to have sticks to the sides of my thighs.

Fuck.

I barely attempt to stand up and pull myself upwards, my mind narrowing till I can only feel absolute disgust and discomfort with my body and somewhat perceive where I am, and just after standing up I trip on the ground with my legs that feel just wrong.

I barely even notice the pain that comes from my body tumbling on the ground and I lie limply there, unable to move, my eyes closed tightly not to take in the sight of me.

Fuck.

I started crying at some point and only now notice that my eyes are full of tears.

Fuck.

Alex once described gender dysphoria to me, and she even felt it a few very unpleasant times before she got used to switching between better and real body as she calls it, but what I feel right now is probably even worse.

Because I am…

Because I am a Demon, not a human.

And it feels so gut-wrenchingly awful and disgusting to be sealed in this human body I…

I didn’t want this.

I didn’t want to go back!

Fuck. I whimper on the ground, I don’t even have strength to go back to the pod and back to VOW.

I…

Fuck, what do I do now?

Do I really… do I have to sit in this body for, what, five days?

As soon as this thought forms in my mind, I feel suffocating, I feel starting to panic.

How the fuck am I supposed to stay five days in this… this thing?

How did I stay so long here?

These years?

Trapped in this manly sack of useless meat, only to be released now.

It’s not just changing bodies, it’s like... like being thrown back into an alien body.

I… don’t even feel like it’s my body anymore.

Now it’s just… a disgusting vessel.

Right… it’s a vessel. Only a vessel. I will use it for a while, and then go back where I belong.

I…

I, Helia, will not lose to a fucking human body.

I growl, which doesn’t sound exactly right, but conveys the meaning well, and force my body to get up.

I notice the pain in my chest, in my knee I fell onto, in my throat, and I shut it down completely, not at all minding the pain of this vessel.

Why would I?

I stand up slowly, feeling the different balance and shape of my vessel, but not paying any attention to it, and head to the bathroom.

I clean my body up in the shower, washing down all the sweat and other grime that accumulated in the two days I was inside, and don’t pay attention to how it looks and how disgusting it feels.

Because that’s only my vessel.

Five days, and I’m going back to VOW. Five days, and I’m setting things straight with Levia.

I do mind this body to certain extent, but I’m absolutely not letting this worthless thing get in the way of our relationship.

And as long as she is comfortable with me, I will be getting her and giving myself to her, and I’ll be making sure of that.

I, Helia, will never allow anything to stop me.

Standing here, I realize I am indeed a Demon of Love and Pride.

And I embrace it.

…

The following five days were… comparable to a torture from spectator’s perspective for me. I kinda passed them without paying much attention, save for two times.

I will not be repeating my experiences with this body – everything I’ve said still stands.

There are a few new problems that cropped up, major ones at least.

One are my parents, especially father. Or the parents of this body? Well, I’m grateful that they gave birth to this body that allowed me to discover where I belong, but there’s not much past that considering their attitude.

Because, to put shortly, I was much more closed off from the outside, spending almost whole time in my room and distracting myself in various ways from chat with friends to going into VR and barely speaking at all. Oh, and, speaking of it, I also learned a lot about taking care of your hair, skin and... a lot of stuff related to that. I didn't even know there are so many things you need to pay attention to. I haven't put it in practice yet, but I'm eager to do it on next occasion I find in VOW.

As a side note, I also checked forums and FTL Network for things related to VOW, but didn't go in detail. The game was received fantastically, though there are people complaining about lack of many typical game elements, like health or classic spellbooks and things like that, and the difficulty among other things. And about the random generator and it's unfairness. Nuh-uh, I know nothing about it. Also, there was nothing about Aver's crossing. Probably too little people and coincidentally no one out of them active on forums.

Well, going back to my parents. My mother, after she noticed my change in behavior, was concerned. In her twisted way of concern, which is increased input in every part of my life under the pretense of watching if I’m alright along with pestering me with incessant questions about my wellbeing and mood, which were annoying from the very beginning and started absolutely pissing me off later on, but I did my best not to show it.

Mostly successfully, but I would have really snapped if she didn’t have to go to work. I wasn’t even able to go to VR without her worrying that it might have similar effect on me to my last time in the pod. She wouldn’t have allowed me in if I didn’t manage to convince her that it was only experiences from inside the game that affected me and not VR itself. Damn woman.

Oh, as a side note, I wasn’t able to adjust my avatar in VR because it was set for my headset. Changing it would require me to do a full body scan, alter it the way I want, and my parents would know. Great.

My father was another problem.

He was… as usual, merely more insistent and annoying. Though still much betther than mother, I have to add. He kept asking me about finding a girlfriend, as if I could do that during online classes, telling me to man up and all that along with some church bullshit.

And that was some bullshit, especially considering that half of his words were either directed at Mechanical, Sentient AI and LGBT groups or at my need to find a job, learn well, get a girlfriend, stabilize my life and… quite a bit more.

It was even worse than usual considering that I definitely fit into LGBT, in more than one way considering I’m transgender and love a girl, have met a Mechanical who doesn’t seem like what he was describing at all, and to top it off what he wanted me to do is either something every sensible person does after they finish studies, or at least closer to their end, not at the beginning as I'm now in first year, or something I already have, merely something that would only piss him off if he learned about in detail.

So, yeah, that’s the gist of it.

Oh, and them using name ‘Zenon’, not even the shortened version, didn’t help at all.

It’s disgusting.

Speaking of it, Alex somehow had gotten wind of me having dysphoria, and I’ve no idea how. She texted me on Tuesday out of the blue during the class and I almost spat out my smoothie at her sudden question.

Alex: Hey, Zeny, I wanted to ask, are you maybe playing a female character? I was wondering, because, don’t take it as offense if you are not, but I have had a suspicion you are trans for a while and you seem to have dysphoria with how you are apathetic since the weekend. If I’m wrong, forget this message, but just wanna say that you can talk with me if something is bothering you.

Well, fellow transgender girl, huh?

I find it a bit funny how easily I started to think of myself as a girl. I have never considered it before and it sort of… happened along the way. I've heard for some trans people it was a sort of... epiphany, but I didn't have anything of the sort.

I can’t wait to go shopping in VOW, hehe.

Putting it aside, gotta reply to the girl.

Zen: Thanks for the concern, not necessary, but much appreciated.

Zen: Answering your question, I had some realizations this weekend, and yeah, I’m transgender. I’d rather you didn’t tell this to others for now. And yes, I have dysphoria, I’m dealing with it, but much larger problem on my list are my parents.

Zen: The generator did a great job and even if I wanted to change it, which I don’t since I’m absolutely delighted with the results, I wouldn’t because of how strong it is. I got a race you wouldn't get normally and it’s demonically powerful.

Alex: Nice! I’m glad you’re admitting it, would be much worse if you denied it. How should I call you by the way? To be honest I called you Zeny because I thought you’re trans, but I guess you would want a new name?

Oh, huh. I didn’t realize that’s the reason why she called me Zeny. Funny I didn’t actually. And I was kinda happy in a weird way to be called this way by her, which, in hindsight, makes a lot of sense.

It also makes me wonder why she didn’t nudge me in the direction of being transgender, but I guess she was conflicted about pushing me in this direction knowing my parents are the exact opposite of supportive for trans people and well aware how awful dysphoria can be. Not that I know, but seems plausible.

Zen: Zeny is good enough for now. I’ve already got a name in the game, but I’d like to surprise you guys. Gotta introduce myself properly to everyone at once.

Zen: She is a good pronoun.

Not like I like her calling me Zeny, Helia would be much better, but I wanna play a prank or two on them. My personality showing up, I guess.

Alex: Sure. On that note, when will you arrive in Riverside? I’m here since the beginning and Derrie and David arrived on Sunday. Robert found himself around, says he is near the town David spawned in and will be coming this weekend.

Zen: Probably a few hours after logging in, not sure when exactly since I have no map.

Alex: Okay. And how do you feel with being trans? Being a girl? I assume you haven’t tried much because of your parents, but what about VOW?

Zen: It’s nice I guess. I don’t think there is anything I can say I particularly like, it’s just the general feeling that it's how it’s supposed to be I guess. And yeah, I haven’t tried much, but I did a few things in game and I really like the battle dress I have. Dunno how else to call it, but I like it. What about you though?

Alex: Good, I guess. I have a bit worse dysphoria than before, but nothing I can’t cope with, and I really like the game. It’s much better than other games. Also, I picked a type of Wolfkin for my race, and the ears and tail feel really nice, you know? It’s hard to describe, but you feel them as if they were real. It’s kinda similar to how many novels describe it, and they are really fluffy and I really like it.

Zen: Don’t even start with that with me. I’ve much more than that, and I love it. Not gonna spoil you, but I can assure you it will be a huge surprise, and your ears won’t beat what I got.

Alex: You shouldn’t have said that from the very beginning, damn you.

Alex: Now I’ll be thinking what the hell you received.

Hehe, she didn’t get it in the end. Demonically powerful and new features usually lead to demons and their wings, horns, tail and whatever else they have, but oh well. Her loss.

Zen: Not my prob, deal with it.

Zen: By the way, I was thinking, trans girls tend to be lesbians more often than not, right?

Alex: Uh, depends. They are lesbian or bi most often, but straight also come out and it's not rare. Though definitely more trans girls are lesbian than straight girls gay. Why do you ask, did you discover something, hm?

I smirk at her obvious teasing.

Zen: You can kinda say that. Not gonna divulge since nothing happened yet, but I can tell you I’m most definitely a lesbian.

Alex: Oooh, you’re fast, you know? Took me over a year to even find someone I would be interested in after realized I’m transgender.

Zen: That I am, not gonna lie.

The question is not how fast I found someone, but if it was me who found this someone.

Zen: Say, do you want to go back to VOW?

Alex: A bit? I got used to it, but I’m mostly putting up with school now and sometimes logging in for a bit if I have free time. Where did that come from?

Zen: I miss VOW.

Zen: It’s honestly pissing me off that I can’t log in at least for a while.

Alex: Uh, if you don’t mind

Alex: On scale from 1 to 10, mild to very bad, how bad your dysphoria is?

Zen: …

Zen: Hard to say, but no lower than 7.

Zen: How bad is it when you almost have a panic attack when logging out?

Alex: Holy shit.

Alex: That would be 8 or 9 dumbass.

Alex: Damn, sorry, I didn’t know. Almost fell off my seat when you wrote that.

Alex: But seriously, it’s that bad?

Zen: Depends, I’m doing fine now, but it was really hard at first. I’ve been thinking what to do with it, and I might have a solution, but I’ll see later.

This solution, by the way, is Levia. I feel bad thinking about it this way, but I considered various options and she would be my best bet to do something about my life out of the game.

I know it’s like… getting to know her and getting into a relationship with her only to have my body fixed, but right now I don’t really care what it looks like. Not like I can get any help at all from my parents.

My options right now are Levia, coming out with it to my parents and hoping they will help me, which is more than unlikely, or doing nothing and hiding myself till god knows what happens or till I manage to become independent. So I’ll choose Levia, because despite that I feel like I’m exploiting her, I much prefer to ask for forgiveness than to stay in the pit I'm in.

…

I get up from my bed and put on some casual clothes for another day of school and torture, also known as life out of VOW. I go to the bathroom and freshen up, trying not to pay attention to how masculine my body is, which became much easier after two times of doing that in the shower. I wonder if I should be concerned that I was unable to get... my body excited while thinking of Levia when I was here. Not like I tried, but, you know, some things are unavoidable, in my case thinking about Levia. Maybe it was some kind of unconscious mental block.

I sit out the lessons in boredom, passing the time by chatting with friends, learning things about VOW and watching some videos. After that I do some more things by myself and come down for dinner with my parents.

I sit in the chair, noticing my mother in an apron finishing preparing dinner for all of us.

I guess that’s one aspect of hers I can’t complain about. She always prepares our meals, be it breakfast, lunch, dinner or anything else, and while they might not be best in terms of what they are made of (which is mostly healthy things, not like it’s bad, but you can get sick of eating these all the time), they are generally tasty.

From my perspective not exactly, not now, because you don’t really notice how the meal tastes if you get pissed off by your parents.

I didn’t really describe who they are, did I?

My mother works for some company as a section manager closer to the top than bottom, I have heard it’s called Bluelight International, but no details since I never bothered to ask.

As for the person she is, she is generally a polite, calm woman of short height, straight brown hair, and white skin, but she can be very lively in either negative or positive way depending on the topic, the former being things out of the norm, her norm, the latter business.

My father meanwhile owns some medium-sized company dealing with various investments, deeply connected to the Church I have to add, which rubbed off on him very much.

He is tall and a bit buff at the same time, though nowhere near enough to appear strong and not just manly, has black hair and this dominating man vibe around him. As far as I know, his ideals and politics fell into the black hole of the Church some time ago and not even transgender child can hope to find anything to latch onto to pull him out. Maybe it's my anger speaking now, but he is probably almost as bad as my mother.

Today my father apparently is eating dinner with us, that is me and mother, because he has something to tell me. He would eat by himself on half of his workdays because he comes from his work early, and quite often he is busy and can’t eat with us because of work calls and other things like that.

We eat mostly in silence, save for a short talk that apparently a large private Mechanical ship docked the Gaia Space Lift today, the first confirmed Mechanical ship to arrive near Gaia in last ten years. Reminds me of Levia since she is a Mechanical.

Well, my father’s opinion is as far from my sentiment as it could. He keeps loudly announcing that they have some devious plans, they should be chased out and some other things. But that aside, it is a good dinner comparing to what happened two days ago when I logged out.

I finish my dinner and place the plate in the sink, then sit back in my chair since father won’t talk about whatever he has to tell me when he eats. A bit annoying, to be honest, but well.

I notice he finishes his plate as well and places it in the sink, then sits back down and, having noticed that mother is also already finished, he takes a deep breath, looking at me seriously, and starts speaking.

“Zenon.” I restrain a flinch at the first word he says. “Today the manager of a REV Industries approached me with a proposition. His daughter, Katarin Reviola, is eighteen this year.” Don’t fucking tell me what I think it is. “And he suggested engaging you two.”

Well, great.

“I would rather not.” I say, and I’m about to continue with some reasons when my father says something that blows them all out of my mind.

“I agreed.”

What?

I look up at him with eyes wide open with disbelief and glance at my mother, who also seems surprised and looks at her husband with a light frown.

“Excuse me, what?” I ask, restraining as much of anger and dissatisfaction as I can, which isn’t exactly possible with what I feel right now and about fifth of it leaks out, making my voice low and dangerous, and I notice my eyebrows are very close to each other.

Did he right now say that he agreed just like that to something that would affect the rest of my life not only within barely few hours, if that even, but without consulting my mother and most importantly me?

My father meanwhile frowns deeply and raises his head with what is probably supposed to be a look father gives to a clueless kid when he does something he wasn’t supposed to and is deeply annoyed, but still explains the issue. Which only serves to infuriate me even more.

He dares!?

He keeps pushing me to find a girlfriend, to man up, and even if I wanted to, which I most certainly don’t, how the fuck am I supposed to do that when he throws me such revelation out of the blue?

“I agreed to yours and Katarin’s engagement because it's a great chance for you to get a good start in business. You’ll meet her in a few days, she is apparently going to same college so you might even know her. I expect you to prepare yourself pro-.”

I interrupt him by standing up and slamming my arms into the table and looking at him with fury in my eyes that makes him shut up for a moment.

“Let me make something clear.” I say in low and quiet voice. “Within barely a few hours you make a decision affecting my whole life without even asking me for agreement, much less listening to my opinion, one that I most likely won’t like and to top it off it’s something I remember saying I’m heavily against, and you expect me to accept that?”

He looks at me with heavy frown and starts standing up.

“It is for your own good-.” He begins before I interrupt him.

“It is for my own good? How the fuck do you measure that?” I drop my voice even lower. “If you aren’t aware, I know who Katarin is, because she is my ex-girlfriend. It was her who dumped me, just so we're clear." I say and my father makes a dumb face. "I have no idea what she wants from me, but, if it's engagement, you can tell her I refuse."

I leave my seat and start walking up the stairs while my father has completely gobsmacked face and doesn't know what to say. "W-wait! You say she dumped you? Why?" He finally stutters, standing up.

"I don't know." I shrug with unconcealed disgust and displeasure, funnily enough much more of it directed at my father than Katarin. "She didn't tell me any reason apart from that I should change myself for her parents to accept me. And I'm not going to change myself for someone, unless it's someone I love." I walk up the stairs slowly, hearing only silence behind me till I close the door to my room.

And collapse on my bed, crying softly.

Why the fuck now?

I honestly, genuinely... at the very least like Levia, but I’m getting more and more pissed off at everything that stands in my path, only fueled by the memories of my past relationships and troubles, and if nothing changes soon, I’m going to snap at someone from all this shit thrown at me.

Now apparently including Katarin, my ex-girlfriend. I'm far from hating her, but she is quite possibly the person I would least like to talk to, especially now.