Vol.1 Ch.3 – Choking A Chicken

Chapter 3: Choking A Chicken

The first bit of excitement happened around noon of the following day, when Alisha and Selene both had their Sense Evil skill flare up. For Alisha it was part of being a priestess, for Selene it was another perk of being a Chosen One, and with both of them together it was easy to triangulate until we found a small camp with twelve goblins and four orcs, located not too far from a forest and very close to the nearby river. We sneaked up and observed them from just out of sight. What followed had been a brief argument as I told the two women these were likely a scouting party sent out by the Dark Lord. Selene had doubted me, so I had explained:

Everyone always assumed orcs and goblins were somehow related but they weren't. In fact the two races could barely stand each other. The only reason they would ever work together was if a Dark Lord was bossing them around. In truth, it went even deeper than that. The two races had nothing in common. Orcs were big and burly with pig snouts, tusks and awful under-bites while goblins were barely three feet tall, snot green and had long bat ears, beak-like noses and chins so pointy they could stab people with them. Other than that, orcs weren't really evil. Left in peace, a tribe of orcs would spend its days hunting, eating, sleeping and having dick measuring contests and they only worked for Dark Lords because that gave them a steady supply of food and fights. Goblins on the other hand were nasty little shits that actively pinged Sense Evil abilities. They had few emotions other than schadenfreude and loathing, were sadistic to a fault, often letting people escape because they physically couldn't stop themselves from torturing those they had already taken captive instead and, worst of all, there were no goblin females and the little shits reproduced exclusively by violating females of other humanoid races – yet another reason why nobody, not even orcs, could stand them. The only race goblins got even slightly along with were trolls, possibly because the two races were related. They certainly shared the noses, ears and chins.

With the group we were currently looking at it was even more obvious that they were under a Dark Lord's control because both the orcs and the goblins wore matching armor, all made of leather and carbon steel. That argument, most of all, had convinced Selene.

“So, how are we doing this?" she asked.

I shrugged. “About that ice storm miracle..."

Her eyes went wide. “Isn't that a waste?"

“You can use it once a day and there's more than five times as many of them as us," I said. “I should really rather hope we're not running into a group this big again today. Also we need to figure out how your miracles work sooner or later."

“Alright," she said. “So I use this and we storm in?"

I shook my head. “Not quite. Give me five minutes to sneak around behind them, then let loose your miracle. Alisha, you'll use your magic to try and pick off any that try to run but stay behind Selene. I have faith in your magic but she's still tougher than you are. Everybody alright with that?"

They both nodded at me.

**

As I sneaked up behind the group I considered what weapon to use. The armor they wore was leather with carbon steel plates, which was too tough to hack through with a sword but also not rigid enough for a mace to do much good. I also needed something that could quickly swing downward to squash the goblins, so I pulled my trusty battleaxe out of my bag of holding. The whole thing was made of metal except for the leather wrapping around the handle, making it almost as heavy as my mace. Heavy enough to break through armor yet sharp enough to cut through leather and flesh. Perfect.

From my hiding spot I could just see Selene carve a rune into the air with her sword and then a whirlwind of snowflakes sprang up around the orcs and goblins. Two goblins ran off in the direction of the forest but Alisha had pulled her rapier and used it to send a lance of gray-green air magic at one of the little shits, putting a fist-sized hole into its chest, almost big enough to separate its head from its torso. A good fifteen seconds later the ice storm had finally let up. Five of the goblins and two orcs were frozen statues, coated in an inch of ice. The rest had managed to huddle down and merely had severe frostbite on all exposed skin. As soon as the cold was bearable I dashed in and with a vertical upward swing I slammed my axe into the back of a goblin's head, killing it instantly. A second later a hammer blow of air took a goblin in the gut and drove him upward into the air. When the piece of shit hit the ground a few moments later I heard a loud splat that told me it wouldn't be getting back up.

While the goblin was still flying through the air I reversed the grip on my axe and brought it down on another goblin. During that time one of the orcs had managed to right himself and drew a weapon but Selene engaged it. Alisha sent another lance of air into the chest of yet another goblin. With all three of us busy and distracted the last goblin sneaked up on Selene, busy with her duel with the orc, and stabbed a knife into her calf, right into the gap between armor parts. Selene stumbled and kicked out, losing her balance and the orc took his chance and hit her in the left shoulder with his club. She screamed and even though her armor caught the worst of it I was sure her shoulder still hurt like crazy. It hadn't been her right arm but having to swing that big sword of hers with only one hand was not ideal.

Alisha fired off two spells in rapid succession, the first a hammer blow to drive the orc back and then another lance to kill the backstabbing goblin. Then she started casting her healing miracle on Selene while the orc was still reeling. It was then that the final orc managed to stand up and he drew a battleaxe of his own. I didn't give him time to get his bearings and charged, putting the axe blade into his shoulder, attempting to hack his arm off or at least severing enough to make it useless. I didn't stick around long enough to see how much damage I'd done, instead I put a foot on his chest and ripped the axe back out, kicking myself off the orc in the process.

He squealed in rage like the boar he resembled, which always sounded odd no matter how many times I heard it. Orcs were built like brick outhouses and yet instead of deep bellowing they squealed, high and loud and almost funny if you didn't know they didn't just sound like boars but could charge and gore like them, too. His arm wasn't completely useless but clearly it hurt like a motherfucker to move it because he shifted the axe to his left hand before he came hacking at me.

So, funny thing about axes? They suck at defending. I didn't even try to block the swings, I just scrambled to back off from every slash, looking for an opening. When the opening came I almost missed it because it came in the form of another hammer blow of air that shoved the orc forward and past me, at which point I smashed the axe into the back of his head. I didn't even stay to make sure he was dead, I was already on my way back to help Selene and Alisha with the final orc. If he was still alive he wouldn't be getting back up anytime soon. By the time I made it back to the camp I could see Selene was back in good health since she was wielding her sword two-handed again and she used it in a mighty thrusting attack that took the orc in the chest, shattering the piece of armor over his heart and stabbing through to his back. It was over.

I turned to Alisha, who had an aura of magic around her unlike anything I'd ever seen. All magic users had an aura that covered their entire body when they were directing magical forces, but Alisha also had the faintest outline of butterfly wings coming out of her back. They looked gorgeous on her. Just as I started walking towards them to congratulate them there was a godawful noise like a chicken squawking, only far louder and deeper.

“What was that?" Selene asked, saving me from sounding clueless by asking the same thing.

The orc Selene had stabbed gave a mirthless chuckle and told us: “You're all fucked," before finally succumbing to his wounds.

That's when we saw the one goblin who'd escaped come running back. The little shit looked terrified and ran at us, arms windmilling. A second later what looked like a giant chicken broke through the treeline, chains trailing behind it from the shackles it had around its clawed feet. Behind the giant chicken I saw three snake tails whipping back and forth and my eyes went wide.

“Cockatrice!" I screamed. “Don't look into its eyes!"

The cockatrice caught up to the goblin, plucked it up with its beak, shook the little shit back and forth violently and then threw it into the air. I already expected the goblin to come down with a wet splat but instead a passing phoenix snatched it out of the air and flew away. Then the cockatrice was charging at us.

**

Contrary to popular belief cockatrices and basilisks did not actually possess the ability to petrify people. The only beings that could actually turn people to stone were gorgons and greater earth elementals. Also, side note, if you ever find yourself facing any greater elementals, just run.

Cockatrices and basilisks meanwhile could only figuratively petrify people, that is looking them in the eyes paralyzed you and made you easy prey for them. Which was a bit unfair, quite frankly, since cockatrices truly did not need that edge. They were already twelve foot tall raptors with a razor sharp beak and equally sharp talons as well as wings that, while not strong enough to grant the creature proper flight, were still strong enough to whip up a surprisingly powerful gust of wind.

If you've ever seen what a chicken will do if it finds a rat you should have a good idea what a cockatrice is capable of if it gets hold of a human being. If you haven't, well, let's just say I wouldn't bet on the rat, or the human in this case. Giving such a thing a petrifying gaze was just overkill, even if it wasn't true petrification. In a combat situation that paralysis could be just as lethal. From the way Selene stood stock still I could tell she hadn't listened to my advice and was paralyzed.

“Try to poke out its eyes!" I yelled at Alisha while digging through my bag of holding and pulling out my trusty crossbow. Alisha sent out three lances of air in quick succession and not for the first time my gadgets felt inadequate compared to what mages could bring to the table because in the time it took her to fire off three lances I only managed to fire the crossbow once and reload it. Then the beast was almost upon us and I tackled Selene out of the cockatrice's path and we both flew to the ground on its right side. As I landed I was already turning around and fired another bolt at the beast. This one finally flew true, blinding the right eye and giving us one side from which to attack the beast safely. The monster turned and tried to stomp down on us with its clawed foot, but this time Selene pushed me away and we both rolled away in different directions. Alisha kept pelting it with air lances and I switched the crossbow for a longsword.

“How in Hel's name do we kill this thing?!" Selene yelled.

“You grew up on a farm, didn't you?" I shouted back. “Same way you kill a chicken! Cut off the head!" I'd only meant that for Selene but clearly Alisha had heard it too because she modified her spells into giant whirling scythe blades. The tough feathers kept the blades from penetrating deep though and eventually she switched back to lances when she realized she was keeping us from attacking.

The cockatrice started flapping its wings to send a gust of wind at us to throw us off our feet but both Selene and I stabbed our swords into the ground to anchor ourselves. When the gust ebbed down Alisha sent a dozen air lances into it all at once. It decided it didn't like that and turned around but Selene carved another rune into the air with her sword and summoned the lightning miracle which manifested as a single thick bolt of lightning directly to the bird's head. It staggered drunkenly and lashed out with its snake tails and both Selene and Alisha were swept off their feet and sickening cracks let me know their legs were broken. The only reason it failed to hit me was because Selene had stood in the way of the attack, taking the brunt of it.

I used the opportunity to run up its back and stab my sword into the back of its neck, then wrenched it around until I could pull it through a full circle and the beast's head flew off in a shower of blood.

**

Healing their broken legs had taken Alisha all of two minutes, the Heal miracle swift and effective, just the way miracles should be. Consoling the two women took significantly longer. Selene was furious that she had suffered injuries against both the scouting party and the cockatrice and Alisha apparently had a low pain threshold and demanded some cuddling afterwards. From both Selene and me.

Finally she muttered: “I'm so sorry."

“You have nothing to be sorry for," I told her, stroking her hair.

“But I do. You told me to kill any that tried to escape. If I had caught that second goblin he couldn't have freed the cockatrice."

I shook my head. “If he hadn't freed it, it would have freed itself at a later point, possibly while we were sleeping or when we were already gone, in which case it would have been free to rampage through the countryside. This was the best outcome." She buried her face against my chest. I continued: “If anything, I'm the one who should be sorry."

“Why?"

“I didn't give you enough credit. I assumed you weren't that powerful aside from your miracles but you did better against the scouting party than I did. So I'm sorry. I won't be underestimating you again."

“You better not," she said, but her voice lacked the bravado of her words. She just sounded tired, but happy.

We stayed silent for a bit while Selene got up to check on the bodies. It wasn't an awkward silence, but I still broke it.

“So, kin of the Fae, huh?" I asked, referring to her butterfly wings when she had been casting.

“You saw that, didn't you? A lot of people can't even see them. They're not tangible, if that's what you're wondering. They're just a remnant of our Fae heritage. Weird, aren't they?"

“I think they look beautiful."

She blushed.

**

Selene and I were sitting on a log laid on its side like a bench. She stared at the body of the cockatrice and asked, slightly baffled: “You want to butcher it?"

“Sure," I replied. “This thing is a gold mine."

“I haven't been an adventurer for long," she said, "but I can't help feeling like you're messing with me."

“I'm not," I said. “The meat sells for roughly the same as chicken, which is good since it's a couple hundred pounds of meat. The beak and the claws can be sold to alchemists. And finally if you're willing to do the work, the feathers sell for a pretty penny to the Atalanta cults in the east of the kingdom who use big feathers like that to make arrows for their greatbows. All things considered, we can use some of the breast meat to make jerky for two weeks, some of the thigh meat to use in a big pot of stew tonight, and can sell the rest of the bird for about two thousand mun. If we properly butcher it, of course."

“Wait, seriously? You can make that much money selling monster parts?" she asked.

“Of course. Adventurers don't have a great life expectancy but they want for nothing while they're doing it. We'll split the money evenly, of course," I said.

“Well, at least I won't have to worry about not being able to pay you if this keeps up," she said.

“Oh, we're actually being pretty wasteful here," I told her. “You know how ghouls and orcs decorate their dwellings with giant monster bones? We could trade the bones away to them for some more profit. Not really worth the trouble for us, but if you have the time you can make it even more lucrative."

“You're, right, not really something I'd want to deal with," she said. “But wow, I had no idea it would be like this.”

“Once you get used to the kind of money adventuring reels in the amount of money you used to work your ass off to earn as a peasant will feel like a sick joke. On the plus side, if you're used to the peasant's lifestyle you can sock most of what you make away or send it back home to your family," I said.

She glanced at me. “Is that what you're doing?"

“Yeah. My mom doesn't really need the money to survive, but I still send her a big cut of what I earn."

“What about your dad?" she asked.

I shrugged. “Dark Lord raiding party."

“I'm sorry," she said.

“Don't be. We're fighting the good fight so nobody else has to lose their family to them." I held my hand out for her. “Let's get to it so Alisha can get started with the stew."

She took my hand and I pulled her up before we got to work.

**

We had decided to appropriate the scouting party's camp site. None of us wanted to sleep in the tents a bunch of orcs and goblins had stayed in and neither had anyone wanted to take the half-rotten meat from their storage but there was no need to waste their perfectly good campfire and build another one just yards away.

Breaking down a whole cockatrice, as it turned out, took quite a bit of time. It had taken us half the day and by the time we were done it was dark. We had started by cutting a few pounds of meat off one of the thighs so that Alisha could use that in a stew, which had taken her roughly as long to cook as it had taken us to break down the bird. She wasn't really cut out, no pun intended, for carving giant animals but she did help us by plucking a bunch of feathers much more neatly than I could have managed. In the end we cleaned all the meat of blood in the river and left the bones and leftover scraps of meat far away from our camp. Some scavengers would take the problem off our hands.

Dinner was great. Cockatrice meat tasted almost exactly like chicken but with complex and nutty flavors added in and Alisha did her best to complement the meat with a rich sauce and some root vegetables. Dinner conversation was light for the most part.

“So, Felix, tell us about your mother," Selene said, out of the blue.

“Where's that coming from?"

“You seem to really care about her but you don't talk about her. Is she living alone? Did she find someone new?"

I could feel my cheeks warm a bit and was glad the firelight made the blush impossible to see as I told them: “My mother did find another man. She is very happy with her new husband... and her two sister wives."

“She's part of his harem?" Alisha asked. She sounded excited rather than disturbed.

“Yeah."

“That sounds wonderful! Do they all get along? Are you fine with it?" Her enthusiasm was surprising and a little shocking. It had taken me much longer to digest.

“They do and I am, though it took me a while. But she's happy, so who am I to judge. I respect them for making it work," I said.

Alisha leaned in towards Selene, who had gone strangely quiet. “I think it's great that families like that can get along, don't you?"

“It's not that uncommon," Selene said. “If none of the women feel neglected, then I guess it's a good thing."

Conversation continued on a bit more, but it was nothing serious anymore and eventually we were all tired. We vowed to wash up in the river the next day and decided to sleep in three shifts so that each of us would get six hours of sleep. I had volunteered to do the middle shift. The middle shift sucked since it was the only one that didn't get uninterrupted sleep, but I had also been the only one used to it. Selene had been yawning all throughout dinner so we had her take the final shift. When Alisha woke me up and went to sleep she did so by kissing me awake, which was a much nicer way of waking up than usual, not that it made the middle shift any less awful. But it did give me a lot to think about during my watch shift.

I wasn't one to carve things while keeping watch. It only dulled perfectly good knives. I just thought about things. In this case, what came to mind had been Alisha's reaction to my mother's relationship. I still remembered how baffled I'd been when she had introduced her new husband and his other two wives to me. But she was happy. And her sister wives were nice, though they had shared things about my mother I had never wanted to know. But Alisha had been strangely excited by the idea. Was that the kind of relationship she wanted? If so I wouldn't complain. Having a beauty like Alisha and other women would be a dream come true, but who would want such a thing with me? Selene had seemed a bit weirded out by the idea of such relationships, as I thought a lot of people might, but maybe I was just projecting.

A few hours later Selene walked up behind me, squeezed my shoulder and told me to go back to sleep. I gratefully accepted.