Chapter 17: Big Pimping
---D-Day+169, Goridine 12th, 2nd Wednesday Afternoon---
---Chenghai---
The sun is setting on xianxia san francisco. A stiff breeze gets stronger. Pushing that saltwater smell further into the oriental urban hills. Colorful fantasy china pedestrians and wagons crowd the streets again as we slowly wind our way up and down more hills.
Chattering nonsense fills my ears. Kids playing. Men bragging. Women gossiping.
The buildings are shifting again. From the docks, warehouses, and industries of the harbor. To the shops and temples of downtown. Now to upscale residential. Walled courtyards with peaked roofs replacing crowded apartments.
The crowds thin and by the attire, the locals wealth has gone up a notch or two.
Christ, this city really is big.
*clipclop* *clakclak*
Yes, we are back in the carriage.
*clipclop* *clakclak*
No, I do not want to talk about it.
*clipclop* *clakclak*
Why?
*clipclop* *clakclak*
“Elder Qiao, by the ancestors, I swear my Xingan is a dual cultivation genius.”
Because my yanese princess is trying to pimp me out.
“Xiao Li, this used up old woman is honored that you…” blah blah yada yada.
No, I didn’t kill them. Yes, I should have killed them. But I just couldn’t do that to a girl who just watched an uncle get beheaded. Because of her own mother’s scheming. To kill the boyfriend. Who saved her sister.
And I thought my relatives were shit.
Yeah, freely admit, I’m an asshole. But I don’t want to be that big an asshole. So I let protag live… for now.
But no way in hell am I letting that little shit ride with me. Or any of my women. So we hired a coach to uhaul justice boy and his harem behind us.
Yes, harem.
There's the mother-figure milf, "Auntie." An elder from a sect up north. The childhood friend, "Elder Sister," who is Auntie’s disciple. "Sister," apparently kid superman's actual sister.
Then "Big Sister." A scarred muscular viking looking foreigner. And last but not least, "Little Sister." Some short lolicon tattooed cat beastkin from a tribe north of Yangxu. And from the way they're all fawning over protag?
Would bet money his dick has plowed every one of them.
Mister protagonist is tall and swole. Built like a wall and towers over most yanese men. But has a very innocent face. Which I'm guessing confuses a lot of girls. Probably can't decide whether to hug him or hump him.
But I see a dog behind those eyes. Despite his junior wuxia justice warrior act. A horny dog.
Giving him a chance to paw at my women reminds me of what girls would say back home. "Don't you trust me?" That I would always answer with. "Of course I trust you. I just don't trust them."
Well, guess what. I was lying. Every. Damn. Time. Never trusted any of your asses.
And if superdog tries to mark any bushes in my lawn? We're gonna find out how much plot armor protag’s penis has.
Yeah, these girls came to me. They're mine. No, I don't own them. But I'm not the sharing type. Want to leave? Fine. Don't let the door kick you in the butt on the way out.
Not a snowballs chance in hell though I'm letting some horny steroid popping teenager cuck me. Already got a surprise waiting for his stupid ass when, not if, he tries.
Okay. Moving on.
The ensemble in wushu carriage one is the same except for a single replacement. Elder Baiyu has been traded out for Elder Qiao.
Those two shared an uncomfortable look when they met. Atmosphere got downright awkward until Jingi hurriedly said her goodbyes and flew off. Telling the princess they would come by in a couple days. Give us time to "settle in" first.
Of course as soon as Little Li heard Qiao Zhi say she had no place to stay? Insisted and begged they come with us. Which justice boy also begged for while glancing at Frankie's tits.
Try it asshole. I triple dog dare ya.
The mother daughter pair that started this trope pissed themselves when I went full supervillain. Thought they would settle down after I dispelled my shadow armor and used [Recovery Magic] on her ankle.
Nope!
Haha… son of a bitch.
Freaked them out even more. Turns out getting magic healing is just as rare here as it is in Tourin. So they believed I was putting them deep in debt. Took a while to clear that up.
Ugh.
A royal hand squeezes mine. Bringing me back to the present.
"Xingan? Will you help her?"
Little Li’s brown eyes look huge right now. Like a kitten or puppy begging.
"Uh, Li?" Jesus lady. "Pretty sure your friend is already fucking that kid hero. Would be rude to stick my dick in there too."
Yeah, I get it. Your weiner is a wizard, Harry. This wand casts a spell on the pussy. And my mana packed semen does the female body good. Learning dual-cultivation just took it next level.
But for higher ranking daoists? My peepee power shouldn't actually do much for them. As I understand it at least. My xiunxia dazung, cultivation realm, is only Foundation Establishment. Third realm. Elder Baiyu? Nascent Soul. Freaking seventh realm.
Means my sailors don't do much for her boat. Only daoist chicks at the same level or lower should really get much benefit from jumping me.
So I don't see how planting my seeds in Elder Qiao's flower box will help her.
Plus I'm back down to nineteen haremites. And considering how the last three turned out? Not looking to add any more girls with "sect issues."
Outing Auntie’s fuckboy sends her face through several expressions. Like shock, anger and shame, before settling on disdain. The reply is full of disappointment. Like a mother who is positive daughter could do better than the biker she rode home.
“That little brother does not need to be vulgar to be a hero.”
Ha! The audacity of this bitch.
“Well I do. So fuck him. And fuck you too.”
Auntie gives me a “how dare you talk to me that way” glare and starts leaking killing intent. Air gets tense. Things about to get bloody.
Yanese princess starts frantically waving her hands.
“No, no! Please don’t kill her!” Is screamed just as my aura slips its leash. All of it focused on Elder Qiao. With it so concentrated, you can actually see it pressing down. Flattening her robes and hair.
We're in a cramped wagon with my wives. One of them, Red, is pregnant. Out of your goddamn mind if you think I'm letting elder lady do anything but die.
Auntie grunts and speaks with difficulty as Sanctity slides out of its scabbard and lands in my hand.
“So, ugh, y-you really do have a lingyu. H-how can a, agh, zhuji use a domain technique?” Shakes her head. "Hehe, ah, a genius." Sad eyes. "Of course. This one lived like a fool. So should die like one too."
Don't know if it's plot armor or pity but I stop my supersword an inch before piercing her chest.
Squint my eyes at sect chick.
“You are only alive now because her uncle fucked with me this morning." Thumb at Li. "So he’s not anymore.” Black tooth grin. “Worry less about the words I use and more about thanking my woman for saving your life.”
Little Li’s face goes full tomato after hearing “my woman.” Snuggles more into my side and mutters.
“Xingan…”
Elder lady hastily nods and shakily cups her fists toward the princess. Meridians turn tranquil so I pull my aura back into a ball. Earning raised eyebrows and a glance from her. Probably realizes now that I can see through her aura.
Sanctity floats back into its blue leather sheath.
“It would seem this senile old woman has forgotten her face.” Sighs, adjusts hair bun and bows. “Forgive me, your highness, the journey has been long and I have done things… The years have been long.”
Little Li gives a sad smile and reaches over to hold auntie’s hand.
“Lao Qiao, Xingan is a powerful dual cultivator. His seed recovered Sister Ji’s cultivation and even pushed Lao Baiyu through a bottleneck.” Eh? Oh, yeah, forgot about that. “He is also a mighty healer. Restoring Sister Miltinnia’s legs and purifying Sister Sayuri’s spirit roots.”
Elder lady gives me a skeptical look as yanese princess keeps pushing.
“Elder Baiyu told me about the, uh, incident when you tried breaking through to Qi Realization. How you became trapped at half-step. And your quest to find a cure.” Li faces me. “Lord Badun can be that cure.”
Wait, so she's stuck between the fifth and sixth realms?
Auntie sighs.
"Xiao Li, this simple daoist spent decades attempting to cure herself." Distantly looks out the carriage window. "Then many years more exploring ruins and deeps." Faces Li. "The silver is spent. This elder was lucky to find a disciple to teach and a prospect with great potential."
"But Auntie-"
"No, Xiao Li. This old woman is passing the arts on to her disciple and taking the boy to the North Jade Dragon Palace." Goddammit. "I have walked the immortal way for two hundred years." A double gilf? "But my spirit is fading. In a few years this body will start failing." A motherly smile. "I am out of time."
My yanese princess hasn’t given up yet!
“Meeting us shows your path is not over-”
Elder Qiao interrupts again.
“Meeting you was an accident.”
Which triggers my inner… Oogway?
“There are no accidents.”
The suddenly sage-like wisdom makes them both do a double take. And earns smug grins and nods from my wives. Little Li looks enlightened while Elder Qiao turns thoughtful. After a pause, where only the sounds of the traffic and pedestrians can be heard, Auntie clears her throat.
*Ahem*
“Very well, Xiao Li." Glances at me. "This humble daoist will consider your proposal. But please understand.” Looking motherly again. “That path? I no longer walk.”
Fuck, here it comes again.
“One often meets their destiny on the road they take to avoid it.”
Somebody stop me!
*stunned*
Every mouth in the house hangs open. Shocked. Me? A little freaked out but keeping my cool. So far.
Yeah, I liked the panda movies but wisdom ain't exactly my shtick. Would much rather be involuntarily quoting the penguins than the panda.
Unfortunately, there have not been many chances to say "engine two is no longer on fire" or "Kowalski, analysis."
I do a great King Julian too. "It's nothing personal. It's just that we're better than you."
My wives and yanese princess are looking at me like I sprouted a second head. Auntie has the mind blown gif, not jif you heathen bastards, playing on repeat.
Finally her brain starts working again and she stares at me in awe. Like I was a bum begging for change who suddenly turned into a prince.
Hesitantly she bends forward and quietly asks.
"Y-young master, then what do I do? Today-"
Oh shit.
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."
Curse you, movie quoting powers!
Elder lady's face goes blank. Short circuiting again. Then looks at me reverently.
Crap.
Gotta do something fast or she's gonna start believing I actually know stuff. And women thinking you're smart? Never ends well. There must be some- got it.
"[Kiss of Grannus]"
*smooch*
Completely caught off guard, Elder Qiao is defenseless as I mutter an incantation then lean forward. Our lips meet and the [Recovery Magic] spell shortcuts straight to her brain.
This should put the train on another track.
Her tired face brightens as decades of depression and disappointment fall away. Tears stream down cheeks. The despair she has endured for so long vanishes like mist before the rising sun.
The mind is just as important as the body. But healing it can be much more difficult. So of course the [Recovery Magic] grimoire angel tits stuffed in my brain includes tools for mental health.
[Kiss of Grannus] is an active single target heal over time spell that soothes the brain. Releasing a feel good chemical cocktail and massaging the brain.
Basically triggering a rush of "it's gonna be alright" and "I'm gonna be okay" emotions. Soothing anxieties. Taking the edge off traumas. Lightening the mental load.
Temporarily granting some much needed inner peace.
Leaning back reveals a much cuter cougar.
"Wow auntie. You do look a lot prettier when you smil- hmph!"
*shlurp* *muah* *chu*
Elder lady springs forward and her tongue invades my mouth. Pushing me back as she wraps arms and legs around. Lips wrestle with mine and a crotch starts rubbing against my privates.
Face is flushed and desperate. Can feel a need. A hunger. Erupting in her. She's clawing at my clothes. This girl wants to free willy right damn now!
*clap* *clap*
"Yay!"
Little Li has the biggest grin on her face as she enjoys the show. Nodding and way to pleased with herself.
I don't get it. First Jingi. Now this Zhi lady. What is my yanese princess up to-
*fwop*
Further suspicion gets sidetracked by auntie's hips dropping. Right on target and burying my shovel deep in her garden. A panting sound as brown eyes gaze into mine.
"Young master, this thirsty woman should warn you. I know a little of the dual cultivation arts myself."
[Night Peach Petal Blooms]
*clench*
Oh sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
Ding, Mei (female, human, yanese)
Keetu (female, beastkin, beidin)
Molung, Stina (female, human, vargskr)
Su, Xiao (female, human, yanese)