Chapter 14: Welcome Wagon

---D-Day+156, Khabien 31st, Saturday Evening---

---Jinshibo---

*splish*

A dark grey skinned oppai half-elf’s head breaches the surface of the bathwater.  White hair wetly plastered to the sides of a rising heart shaped face.  Purple irises sparkle as she fingers dusky lips.  Making sure nothing’s spilled.

*gulp* *lick*

"The royal penis is clean, your highness."

…

Fuck that’s hot!

"Thank you Frankie."

Now Lula may look better saying that line.  Her african looks fit my memories of the movie more.  But this short thicc ex-oracle priest-wife still takes the lead with attention to detail.  Making sure every nook and cranny of Little Jon gets lots of attention.

Luckily the big tub in the harem suite didn't get damaged during the attack, nor did the reservoir that feeds it.  So we can get clean the way god intended.  Hot, wet, and naked.

In this steaming bath, four ladies are diligently, and lewdly, cleaning their man.  And that lucky son of a bitch is me.  Jon Barton.  While the quartet of sexies are my “official,” in this world, wives.  Red, Frankie, Blue, and Hitomi.

*long exhale*

After a long, long, day.  It is finally my time to unwind.

…

And reflect.

…

This morning was shit.

Total cluster fuck.  Fubar.  Thousands dead because some entitled prick couldn’t get the pussy he wanted to spread its legs.  So the young master betrayed his clan, sect, and nation.

Can you get any more pathetic?  Couldn't even give me a good fight.  Even though he was all roided out.  Demonized.  And I got all these xianxia fu moves I was itching to use.

Sigh.

For the record, by the by, I hate fighting indoors.  Every window and door a potential ambush.  Well, how about doing that, in a wooden ship, that’s on fire, in the middle of the fucking ocean!

Thank god whatever they made this love boat out of doesn’t burn easily.

And there were so many bad guys.  We got overrun.  Plain and simple.  Took hours to clear just the aft of the Jinshibo.  Each of my girls getting into knife-range of a pirate at least once or twice.

If I hadn’t already set a living shadow to guard each haremite?  Some would have a lot worse than just cuts and bruises.

Still, I am proud none of the harem rookies ran, shut down, or locked up.  All that training from kung fu queen and the sword twins really saved the newbies.

Gotta remember to thank the three wuxiateers properly tonight.  Maybe try a new position.  Give each of them extra one on one time.

And while the undead and xianxia fu helped them survive?  It didn’t do anything about the fear and guilt.  About the crash that follows when it all catches up to you.

At least until you become numb to it.

Spent eight-hours comforting the newbies once we got back to the harem suite.  Isa, Ymi, and Auri had it the worst of course.  Being the youngest and living pretty sheltered lives before, well, me.

Milti and Lizzy falling apart surprised me though.  Same with Mel and Little Li.  Guess I'm being a douche thinking they are used to the kill or be killed life.  Or this fight was just too up close and personal.

A japanese accent tickles my right ear.

“Yen for your thoughts?”

The isekaied japanese dark elf high school heroine asks as she uses her fun bits to scrub my arm.  Guess she couldn’t find the loofah.

I turn and give her a quick peck on the lips.  “Timeskips.”

“Eh?  Timeskips?”  She squints.

“Yeah, you know, when the story arc is over and the author skips ahead months, or even years, before starting the next arc?”

Wife number four gives me a “what you talkin bout willis” look.

“Okay…”

“Well I was thinking.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could do that too?  Instead of having to trudge through each and every single day.”

Hitomi gets a pouty face and her fingers make a heart shape.

“Hanya?  B-but kyundesu.  I like spending every day with you.”  Sad blinks.  “Jon-kun, don’t you like spending them with me?”

Too cute!

"Of course I do."  Hook two fingers into her flower box and start reeling her in.  "Come here.  Let me show you."

[spongebob narrator]

Two. Weeks. Later.

[/spongebob narrator]

---D-Day+155, Goridine 12th, 2nd Wednesday Morning---

---Chenghai---

“...and that is how we know the earth is banana shaped.”  I state confidently.

…

“Nani?”

Leaning against the ship’s ornate wooden railing, Hitomi turns and gives me a confused look.  Morning light from the rising sun reflects in her amber eyes.  Wind blowing short black hair over her face.

“What what.”  I reply.

Her eyes squint.  “You started talking nonsense.  Matte…  Was that a Monty Python quote?”

Damn, she’s on to me.  “...maybe?”

“It is too early in the day for Python jokes.”  Squinting intensifies.  “Ayashi.  Very ayashi.  What are you up to?”

Shrug as innocently as I can.  “Just messing with the fourth wall a little.”  Sneakily wink at hidden imaginary camera number one.

Shinobi girl sighs.  “Jon-kun.  Do we need to find a shrubber?  Face a peril that’s too perilous?”

Wrap smart movie quotes knowing japanese dark-elf girl in my arms and bury this face in her flowery smelling hair.  Then sneakily wink to hidden imaginary camera number two.

“How did I ever get so lucky to find you?”  Nibble on her pointy ear.

Shinobi girl shivers and stutters.  “Di-didn’t.  Wa-was sent to ki-kill you.  Ah♡  Remem-ember?  Oh♡”  Her body leans into me, hard.  Shoving her ear further into my mouth.  “Kuso, that feels good.  No wonder fairies are hentai.”

Many of the harem with us on the railing snicker.  The rest get awkward looks.  Hey, they're only giggling because it's true.  Holy shit is it true.

Seriously, thought the elves I met were exceptions.  Like sex magic was just Chyal's hobby.  While elf-bitch, who destroyed Red’s childhood, was just evil.  And Blue’s priestess, plus ex-reverse harem queen, bestie Silvie was just niche.

Oh contraire mon fraire.  Them pointy eared bitches be crazy.  Things seemed normal enough when the elf ships pulled up.  Meet and greet all polite and such.  Still fine and dandy for the days it took to tow us to the nearest elluinian port too.

Which just so happened to be the capital of their kingdom and named the same.  Elluine.  The elven state spreads across a number of hot and muggy volcanic islands about a week’s sailing east of Luyan.  And our next planned stop anyway.

Everything was honky freaking dory.  Got the fleet anchored and passengers settled into local hotels while the officers and elders planned our next move.  The treasure fleet needs a lot of repairs.

Yep, everything seemed peachy.  Until we decided to take a stroll around town.

Uh…  Maybe I should back up a bit first.

Despite what I saw, and heard, on D-Day.  The tourinese do have rules, more like guidelines, about sexuality.  Which they mostly got from the aquecians.  Self-control.  Modesty.  Consensual.  Keep it behind the green door.  Stick with bipeds.  Etc…

The typical no goats policies you can find in lots of places.

Though of course there are perverts and evil shits, like mustache, who break those codes.

According to Hitomi, the aquecians are a lot stricter about sexuality in some ways.  And a lot looser in others.

Except for the elites who feel they are above any written or unwritten rules.  Some dark freaky shit goes on behind their doors.  That she and her friends became victims of.

From Big Ji and Little Li, I learned the yanese are even more uptight.  Most preferring to have a couple sets of closed doors between any naughtiness and the rest of the world.

Now compare that to the goblins.  They never even heard of doors.  Anyone, anywhere, anywhen, is okay.  As long as they think they can get away with it.

There.  Ends of the lewd spectrum set.

So where do the elluinians go in that scale?  Well, let’s just say that they’ve heard of things called “doors.”  But whether it's actually a door?  Or a curtain.  A thin screen.  Column.  Shrubbery.  Whathaveyou?

According to them, “that’ll do pig.  That’ll do.  Now squeal.”

Born a half-elf, Frankie told me that low birth rates have long been a curse of her towering kin.  Well I can now say, with confidence, that it’s not for lack of trying.  Could go about anywhere in that town and get propositioned.  Often heard a moaning and groaning melody playing somewhere in the background.

Now the nymphos are all business when on the job.  Serious and formal as can be.  But when they get off?  They aim to "get off."

At least they weren’t aggressive about it.  You say “no” and they move on to the next potential partner in a flash.

And there were definitely some subtle rules in play.  We'd be eating and watch one elf chick get solicited ten times.  While another just as hot wouldn’t get invited once.

And “foreigners” are very popular in lewdville.  If the sect’s trainees included any virgins before landing?  Bet they didn’t by the time we left.

Lots of halfsies running around too.  At least there didn’t appear to be any discrimination.  As a father, was tempted to ask how custody is handled.  But that's a sensitive subject for me.  So I kept my mouth shut for once.

Yangxu and Elluine are allies.  Also have two of the emperor’s daughters with us.  Which got us a dinner date with the elf royalty.  Marriage offers for both Little Li and Big Ji.  And use of the king’s fastest ship to take us the rest of the way to Luyan.

Sailing away gave me flashbacks to leaving Raelera.  Size wise the elf capital isn’t much bigger than the tourinese port.  Elluine just has a far larger port part.  Large enough to even dock the Jinshibo.

Besides the eurotica, elvish architecture will stick with me for a long time too.  Buildings looked more carved or grown than built.  Few corners.  Almost everything curves.

And mister the king was not joking when he said this tub is fast.  Only a couple days and Luyan fills the western horizon.  Couple course corrections and hours later?  The biggest port in Yangxu is in sight.

Chenghai.

…

"That's a lot a pagodas."

Well it is.

City is huge and hilly.  An asian San Francisco.  Mostly ringing a giant natural harbor.  Gotta be at least two or three times bigger than Raelera.  And every hill has an oriental tower or two on top of it.

Jin speaks up.

"Most were built by merchants, junfei.  To see ships coming before their competitors."

"Cool."

Well it is.

With wide roof eaves sticking out from each floor.  The shortest are almost ten stories tall.  Tallest near twenty.  That's freaking high for medieval land.  Even the big tower in Lions Keep was only around twelve stories.

Enhanced eyes show a colorful town packed with brick and wood.  Densely urban.  In the poorer parts you can even see buildings built on top of other buildings.  Roads busy with people and wagons.

Chenghai's bay is full of ships coming and going.  From small fishing boats to large trading vessels.

Most are junk style but I see a few keeled ones too.  More than a few crew waving as we fly by.

…

Yes, I said "fly."  The sea is hundreds of feet below us.

Why?

Because we're on an elluinian "airship."  A vessel that looks like the illegitimate offspring of a muscular sailing ship stripper, and a young naive goodyear blimp that got a little too drunk and horny at her bachelorette party.

Who had also already stopped taking "the pill" so she could get pregnant on her honeymoon.  Well, nine months later.  Soon to be ex Mrs Blimp is trying to explain to Mr Blimp, how his new son was born with sails.

A big fabric blimp on top.  Wooden ship below.  Sails sticking out the sides.

It's very fast but has some pretty strict weight limits.

Had to leave most of our cargo behind. Including the skellies, golems, and maids.  They'll follow later once the fleet is repaired.  Fortunately we were able to bring all the sect trainees.

A bell rings from the sterncastle followed by a loud elvish voice.

*ding* *ding*

"All hands!  Drop sail!  Prepare for landing!"

Watch the long limbed crew scramble along the masts as the harem and I file back into our cabins.  Strapping ourselves down like we've been shown a dozen times.

"Brace!"

Yes, this is an airship, but it still "lands" on water.  More like slams from how the crew described it.  Apparently a real teeth rattler.

"Brace!"

Now it's not just point down and pray.  There are a handful of "jets" around the hull.  A mage crewmember stands next to each and feeds mana into it for takeoff and landing.

"Brace!"

Really they just look like barrels with funnels inside.  Feeding it with mana causes air to get sucked in one end and pushed out the other.  That's it.

"Brace!"

They aren't even that strong.  But a lot better than nothing I guess.  And supposedly it was another isekai that introduced airships.  This guy acted like a wandering master traveling from state to-

"Landi-" *BOOOSSH* *grnch*

Fuck!  My teeth!  Ow.  Jesus.  That'll loosen your fillings.

Now I get why they said to keep your mouths shut and teeth together.  Could bite your tongue off.  Hope nobody was stu-

*ding* *ding*

"Crew check!  Hull check!"

Unstrap myself and exit, checking the other cabins.

Whew.  None of my girls lost any tongue.

Head back up to the deck and…  We're now in a forest of masts and sails.

'How did we not run into anyone?'

[Super Senses] hears hundreds of voices around us.  Most of them, complaining.  Some very loudly.  But no one actually does anything.  This is obviously a royal vessel.

Fishermen and merchantmen have better things to do than "court death."

As we navigate the herds of shipping, air becomes heavy again with that salty sea smell.  But it's now joined by the odor of the masses.  Sweat and sewer.  A thick medieval urban potpourri.  You can almost see the stink.  With just a dash of rotting fish.

We're all dressed casually today instead of wearing sect blues.  Except for Jin and the twins of course.  However, the girls' fashion preferences have changed.  A bit.

Our week in Elluine let my ladies update their wardrobe after the pirate attack.  My haremites' outfits are now significantly more, as Mr Wick would say, "tactical."

They still have their favorite colors and materials.  But show a lot less skin and their outfits have linings of leather or chain protecting vitals.

Just about everyone has adopted Red's habit of wearing bracers and greaves.  Many also including an armored skirt.

Plus each of my genteel beauties has at least one visible weapon strapped on.  Sword, dagger, mace, axe, etc…  To help keep others, "honest."

I'm back in black with Sanctity on my left and Tormentor on my right.  All of us at the railing again as our yacht pushes its way through the crowded harbor.

'There it is.'

Breaking through the throng, we enter a much emptier section of the bustling docks.  Only a few junks here but each is clearly a warship.

Docking goes smoothly enough and the boat is soon tied down.  Gangway drops and elders, disciples, trainees, plus harem, are back on solid ground.

I resist the urge to kiss the ground but a couple of trainees with still shaking legs don’t.  It was a rough landing.

As we all move in mass like a tour group, the disciples are leading and shouting instructions.  Basically, stay together and wagons will be coming to take everyone to the local sect branch.

"Imperial highness Tiang Li!  Welcome to Chenghai!"

Well, almost everyone.  A whole pack of kowtowing folks, and a couple carriages, are already waiting at the end of the dock.  The group parts like the Red Sea to reveal my harem and I loitering at the back of the tour.

Sigh.

"Uncle Zhan?!"  My chinese princess is surprised.  "I-it is an honor to s-see senior again."  Little Li answers the very overdressed fat man waiting for us.  Well, waiting for her.

'Another uncle?'

This one is very finely dressed in yellow and red silks.  Embroidered with eastern dragons.  Gold medallions on chains embossed with characters proclaim his magistrate rank.  A long black beard shot through with grey.

Behind him are other bureaucrat looking types.  Slightly less fancily dressed.  And behind them are wagons and guards.  Lots and lots of guards.  Each armored in lamellar and carrying a glaive or halberd.

‘Like a scene from a Romance of the Three Kingdoms movie.’

The yanese princess steps up and bows to the old man with a bright smile on her face.

Uncle bows again, smiles happily back,  “Brightest jewel of the northern crown.  The heavens have blessed these…”  and starts a bullshit blitz.  “...swan of jade…”  I thought I had heard over the top praising on the Jinshibo.  “...star of the true imperial clan…”  They got nothing on this guy.

Big Ji's younger sister is embarrassed.  “Please uncle, you speak too highly of-”

“How can one not praise the sun?  The days have been dim without…”  Should I be taking notes?  “...can clean off the filth…”  That's an interesting choice of words.  “...free the gem from the mud…”  Wait.  Is he talking about me?  “...even dragons may attract fleas…”  Son of a bitch.

Little Li tries to fight back.  “It is not like that, uncle.  Xingan saved-”

But keeps getting interrupted.  “...pigs may lead swans to their pigsty…”  Really?  "...a little white face wants sympathy…"  Is that racist?  "...only two hundred and fifty in his string…"  What does that even mean?

The savvy sect elders quickly pick up on the atmosphere and guide their trainees away from the brewing confrontation.

While the harem is getting super pissed.

At the same time, uncle is drawing Little Li deeper into his posse.  Using a variety of movements and tricks to lead the princess further and further away from me.

Guards begin flanking in from the sides.  Quietly and smoothly filling the space between the haremites and bureaucrats.  All either staring me down or ignoring me completely.

Li finally notices that she’s can’t even see us anymore.  “Un-uncle?  Wa-wait whe-where-”

Blocked by a growing wall of plumed helmets and polearms.  It's only through the shadows that I see fatman slide in between us and the princess.  Bowing with a remorseful look while physically blocking any retreat.

“This humble old fool must apologize, your royal imperial highness.  We inadequate servants did not know how many are taking advantage of your merciful generosity, oh brilliant daughter of the jade dragon.”

It's like a dictionary threw up.  “We beg your magnificence.  Do not be concerned with those leeches.  Other transport will be dispatched, post haste, to…”  Servants carrying fancy robes appear.  "...your mother worries so and implores us…"

Mentioning mother changes Li's expression to a conflicted one.  And the maids start helping herd her towards the carriages while showering the overwhelmed royal with questions about what she should wear.

Sigh.

Hearing the word "mother," gives me an idea on what's happening.  She's a princess.  Doubt mommy wants her daughter having anything to do with a foreign barbarian.

And she's not a wife or concubine.  Mistresses come and go.  Still, I got beat up by her uncle so you could say I'm invested.  And daddy promised me a mansion so…  What would Jesus do?

“Oi!  FAT FUCK!”

Black ghetto pimp Jesus.  Not that wimpy white fly guy.

Pumped a good deal of “qi” into my voice so it hits the old guy’s entourage like a wave.  Pushing goons back, knocking off helmets, and bowling over some of the pencil pushers.  Others drop to their knees.

The daoists in the retinue resist my words better.  A dozen or so body refiners, couple qi gathers, couple foundation establishers.  But only one core former.  Uncle Zhan.

Though even he goes a bit pale from the power of my words.

He turns a bit to look at me over his shoulder.  His face turning red and ugly with rage.

“Ho-how dare-”

Cut him off with a bit more qi.

“You wanna die?”

Zhan, Fu Ting (male, human, yanese)