Chapter 41: Golemocracy
---D-Day+92, Daroine 31st, Saturday Morning---
---Lions Keep, The Workshop---
*vrmm* *grunch* *kachsh*
“Wowsers.”
Yep, wowsers.
The girls and I are standing at the door to the inner bailey’s former stables. Converted into my temporary necromancy workshop after running out of room in the keep’s basement.
A “proper” workshop is being built on the east side of the keep but it's going to take a while.
Still looks like Doc’s wild west smithy from Back to the Future. Just with even more machinery now. The bronze rust bucket, Agrag, that I picked up at Pebblechin's place has gotten a lot done in a couple of days.
There's a roller contraption grinding up rock. Some, I think, concrete making vat thing. The blacksmith’s forge has gotten a major upgrade and now looks like a foundry. Can feel the heat rolling off the molten metal from the other side of the ex-stables.
Count over a dozen of the little barstool servant golems like we saw in the golemancer’s warehouse. But these are all up and running, working at the machines.
Floor is still dirt like outside and the wall divider things to separate the horsies are still in place. Except now they're filled with piles of rocks and ore instead of hay or bones.
Seeing all my necromancy toys pushed off to the side? Makes me sad. Yeah, most of them didn’t actually work, but they looked cool.
Sigh…
Really liked the bone cooker.
At least there’s no corner for my anxious harem to occupy. So, silver linings.
A booming voiceless voice rolls across the room.
~Eskaaj’s Array is better for joint motion.~
Answered by a robot sounding voice that stirs old scifi show nostalgia.
<bzzt… Master tested extensively. Grimpelt’s Circle was more efficient in every- skyrk… Ah! Sir! You are here. Very good sir.>
The large oak examination table is still in the middle of the room and there is something big lying on it. Really big. My shadow dragon, Frazur, and the assistant golem, Agrag, stare at each other over it, arguing.
Us showing up interrupts them. The brown metal thinman, Agrag, faces my way and bows. His blank smooth faceplate has blinking moving white LEDs inside it.
The human sized, at the moment, winged reptile made of black ink and smoke, Frazur, harrumphs and goes back to carving something into the form on the table with his claw’s fingernails.
*fizz* *zhhh*
Glowing white hot, the nails raise smoke and sparks from the thing in front of him.
Walking up to the table I see… a brick. Seriously, it's a brick. Bricky McBrickerface. So blocky that minecraft characters point, laugh, and say, “look at that square.”
…
Yeah, I didn’t expect much. But this? Pretty underwhelming. Conquering the world is the last thing this slab of stony concrete looks ready to do.
Now it's not a total loss. Covered in magic circles and runes painted or carved from head to toe. It certainly looks, you know… uh, magical? Just less “Doctor Strange” magical and more “Legos” magical.
Sigh and give Stonehenge's foot a squeeze while glaring at Agrag.
*crunch*
Crap.
Rocky toes crumble under my fingers. Adjusting to this cultivator body is a work in progress. The naughty fantasy china princesses' dual-cultivating art, Yuetaoban, Moon Peach Petal, both fluffs and buffs.
There are other arts, gongfa, for cultivating and the oriental highnesses say they’ll teach me those too. We just haven’t gotten around to them yet for, you know… reasons.
Even with just one cultivation art I’m already a Banbu Juqi, half-step qi gatherer. As close as you can get to the 2nd Dazung without actually entering the second rank. Hitomi is a Lianti Zhongqi, a body refiner middle-stage. The rest of my ladies are having, well, issues.
Not that any of us are exactly having it easy. Nasty stinking oily black sweat? Apparently the body purging itself of impurities? A huge fucking turn off while, “dual-cultivating.”
Whodathunkit, right?
It ain’t just the smell. It's the burning of my eyes!
Thank god the skin shitting stops once you become a Juqi, Qi Gatherer. Major hurdle for xianxia newbies though.
Little Li was a virgin so she had never really dual-cultivated before. She admits there were a couple of heavy petting and oral incidents though. Big Ji is so not like a virgin, but she hadn’t really either.
You see? Shuangxiu is not technically illegal but is a social taboo. Plus it takes two to tango. You both need to be using it to really get anywhere. So for most people? Kind of difficult.
Meaning that beyond the couple of sects that actually use it? Mostly just a “dirty” thing cultivating debutantes fantasize about. Smut for chicks.
Isekai cultivating’s “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
Hitomi and I also have another problem. Our souls are too big. Or was it too complex? Basically, it takes a lot more for us to level up than native daoists.
Though we get more out of it too. I think. Some of what the sisters said didn’t translate that well into tourinese.
Well, besides all that, I’m still mad. A gravel golem is not what mister prim and proper rust bot promised.
“What is this?”
<bzzt-Yes sir. Billions of years ago Ipra was a molten mass. But for some reason the planet cooled, forming a crust. skyrk… A hard igneous shell. What we scholars like to call, rock.>
…
“How long have you been waiting to use that line?”
<Centuries, sir.>
~Pfft! Ha ha!~
My smartass living impaired lizard slaps a clawed hand on the table while laughing at my expense.
I knew it. I’m surrounded by assholes.
The Police Squad flashback is nice but this ain't gonna fly. Would be embarrassing to show up on the battlefield with this brick. At least my undead look evil. I’ve got walking homicidal skeletons. Kind of hard to get mixed signals there.
But Blocko Blockerson? They’ll wonder if I’m the Evil Overlord, or Bob the Builder.
Remember kids, reduce, reuse, and reanimate.
Wait, what? Me? The good guy?
Are you nuts?
First thing I did after getting here? Kill foreigners. Who may have just had ways different from our own. Then? Tortured an exploited teen. Who knows? Maybe the whole raping mind control thing was just their way of, folk dancing.
Saw a Japanese village have a questionable "festival.” Though maybe that was just a hentai thing.
And let's not forget the people I murdered to death, ripped their souls out, and murdered them again.
Sure, I get it Zangeef. You are “bad guy,” but that does not mean you are a bad “guy.” Whatever, sparrow egg crusher. Got an evil theme going here and it's working for me. Sort of.
Besides, once I’m strong enough? I’m sure everybody and their brother will be lining up to call me the antichrist. Hehe, and considering how many I may have to kill? They might just be right.
Hmm… maybe if we add some spikes…
"Why isn't it metal?" Dare while I glare.
Bucket of bolts here said it would be metal.
<Prototype sir. The production version shall have a metal shell.>
~Archon. The metal man knows what he's doing. His creator must have been very skilled.~
<Master did everything he could to support the great bzzt-mistress. Giving up all other businesses to become her exclusive golemancer.>
"Okay… So, what did you want to show me?"
<Very good sir. The prototype is operational. Thought sir skyrk-would want to see the beginning of his new army.> The bronze bucket walks around the table. <Please back away sir.>
He uses some concrete looking sludge to rebuild the foot I crushed as Frazur and I step back.
The brown golem then circles around to the other end of the table and places his hand on Blocky’s head.
<Activate.>
*voommm*
Agrag’s hand glows and a ripple of white light travels down the prone stone. Followed by a buzz-like sound. Causing each circle and rune to glow for a moment.
~Excellent. Initialization sequence completed without a phase variance.~
<Master always used the Canburr Formation for process ignition. Far more effective than bilevel turni->
*ahem*
Clear my throat to stop the nerd herd from going full technobabble.
“Is that it?”
Agrag’s LED’s dance.
<My apologies, sir. It has been bzzt-centuries since this unit was able to construct bzzt-companions.> Hand on chest with bow. <This is an emotional instance for Agrag.>
~Ha ha. A golem with feelings. Your creator was a strange one.~ Looks at the table. ~Golem, stand.~
With grinding and scratching noises, clearly ruining the table’s polish, the brick sits up. Now facing me I can see two glowing smoking white orbs where the eyes would be. Unlike Agrag’s, these are exposed, as the stone machine has a roughly shaped face.
Mister assistant begins monologuing.
<As Agrag explained before, sir. Golems are bzzt-quite similar to undead. Most have limited intelligence and rely completely on mana to function. Having little material or spiritual capability.>
More scraping and popping as the massive legs swing to the side.
<However, they also have a key difference. Durability. A skeleton can be chopped or bashed to bits fairly easily. A ghost dispelled with the weakest Light element spell or trinket.>
Torso of gravel slowly twists to align with its legs. Three fingered fists press into the surface to lighten the load on its butt.
<Not so the golem.> Metal hand thumps against a stone thigh. <It might be even slower than a zombie, but a simple club or axe can be laughed away.>
Cracks sound and splinters fly as Rocky Blockoa scoots itself close enough to the edge for its feet to reach the ground.
*thoom* *thoom*
What sounds like several tons of stone impacts the ground as the golem lifts itself up and balances on two feet for the first time.
~Hmm… Told you the tertiary glyph was tilted.~
<skyrk-It appears you are correct, sir bzzt-dragon. Agrag will make adjustments after the initial examinations.>
With it standing I can finally get the full view. It's not quite as bad as a minecraft character but not a whole lot better. The coloring really is like gravel. A shitload of small stones stuck together. Each a different shade of grey with some brown ones mixed in.
A good eight or nine feet tall, it towers over me. Two legs, two arms, one head, a humanoid shape. There are visible seams along joints like the elbows and knees. Hands with three digits look like grasping claws. The whole thing covered in runes and circles of different colors. This golem is quite a site.
Both Agrag and Frazur seem lost in the moment. Staring proudly at their creation.
“Come on guys, can we move this along?”
<Ah… This unit bzzt-apologizes sir.> Bows to me then turns back to the golem and points. <Golem, march to that wall and turn to face us.>
*thoom* *thoom* *thoom*
The bipedal pile of pebbles navigates around the table and even pauses for me to get out of its way before walking across the ex-stables. Both its makers watching, closely.
<Navigation subroutines are nominal.>
~Yes, referencing the hostility index properly too.~
*thoom* *th-thoom*
Arriving at the far end, Rocky ponderously turns and faces back our way.
And just stands there.
…
*ahem*
<Oh? Yes sir, bzzt-quite sir. On to the next evaluation!>
Agrag walks behind the table, reaches down, then lobs two objects Frazur’s way.
~Good… Have not used a boomstick in ages.~
Yep, my human sized shadow dragon was thrown two hand cannons by the bronze thinman. Agrag himself stands up from behind the table. Now carrying a musket rifle.
An undead lizard man dual wielding flintlock pistols next to a bronze rust bucket carrying a blunderbuss, is a sight I can honestly say I never expected to see.
Like, ever.
Both turn and aim their firearms the golem’s way.
<Fire.>
*boom* *boom* *pkow*
Fire and smoke barks out of three barrels. Hiding Rocky Blockoa from sight.
*cough* *cough*
A couple of my girls cough from the cloud. And begin waving it away. Mana stirs and wind spells are whispered. Quickly clearing out the haze.
Revealing the minecraft reject now has three small holes in it with some cracking around each. But otherwise? Looks perfectly fine.
The only difference is that its once white burning eyes are now a deep angry flaming red.
~Well done, metal man. Battle mode engaged properly.~
*bzh* *shyrk*
Sounds similar to sparks are heard as the circles and runes where the bullets hit, start doing something like shorting out.
“Nice shooting.” I point at the golem. “But isn’t that a bad thing?”
Agrag nods.
<Indeed, sir. The mark one will have the formations placed internally, as the construct is assembled.> Makes a circular motion with his hands. <Then encased in a metal shell. Making array disruption far more difficult.>
“How long?”
Rust bucket knows what I mean.
<With the bzzt-honorable dragon’s aid, sir?> I nod. <The mark one of the bzzt-security and bzzt-defense golem will be ready within the week.>
Hear Frazur snicker.
“Huh. Okay, fine but, can you make it look meaner?”
Agrag’s head tilts.
<Meaner skyrk-sir?>
“Yeah, it looks a bit too… plain.”
The white LED’s pinwheel behind the faceplate for a moment before going dark. Don’t recall the LED’s ever going completely dark before.
<Oh. This unit believes sir will be very satisfied with the mark one’s… aesthetics.>
Whew. That’s a relief. Wouldn’t want it to look, you know…
Boring.