Chapter 24: Varlskif
Its late in the evening after my first frustrating day of isekai school.
My entourage and I sit in a large lounge that looks copied straight out of an old seedy vegas casino. Large booths ring the rectangular room, except for the stage on one end, with round tables seating four each, filling the middle.
There are a few breaks in the booth ring leading to private side rooms or the hallway to the rest of this semi secret club. No windows, of course, since the whole establishment is underground.
Lighting is dim with what light there is provided by candles on each table and a few wall sconces. Crowd is light, only a third to half of the tables and booths are occupied. And fitting the club’s name, Masks, every customer is wearing a half mask to hide their identity.
Air in here is hazy but dry and smells sweet. Scented candles?
A handful of very underdressed waitresses make the rounds. Collecting orders and making deliveries. There are also a few of the club’s security thugs in the room. Spread out to keep an eye on things.
Each booth has eight foot tall partition walls isolating it from the neighbors and a drawable curtain to close the entrance end.
Intercepted on our way to a private side room to meet the princess from this world’s fantasy china analog. The harem and I occupied a booth and drew the curtain for some privacy. Entourage taking up positions in front to maintain our privacy.
The interceptor is the daughter of a Lustonian duke, hertig. Lady Sonja Almgren. And from what I’ve seen, plus she has revealed, so far? There is some sort of otome game going on up north that has moved to Stormgarde.
After their school blew up or something.
Sonja seems to be the game’s antagonist while I may have become one of the heroine’s capture targets. Said heroine being one Lady Helena Lehne. Who, from what I saw earlier, is capturing the Lustonian prince right now.
Our impromptu talks, and flirting, have sadly gone off the rails after Lady Almgren dropped the vulnerable maiden act and demanded that I… Well… That I take her virginity.
*slam*
Aristobrat ice queen? Meet sleazy secret club wall.
“Hehe… Wow.” Jesus, really need to stop getting ambushed. “Though it's not a secret that I hate douchebags like the prince?” Maybe its a genetic defect. “Why ruin your progress by switching to ice bitch mode?”
Or is it an isekai thing? Like I have a hidden “easily ambushed” debuff or something.
Course I could just be dumb.
…
Nah!
Oh well. Not really expecting an answer from ice bitch. While I admit I was caught flat footed? My harem wasn’t. Miss arrogant bought a one way ticket into the nearest wall.
Rowl, my undead living shadow champion, has one hand gripping her throat and the other pinning her hand to the wall. Almost as fast Mila has her other hand pinned. Lastly, my JK girlfriend, Hitomi, has one sword tip under Sonja’s chin with the other pressed against her chest above the heart.
Both blades pushed hard enough to draw a little blood.
And all this within a second or two.
Damn. I’m so proud.
Remember, there is no “I” in “TEAM.” Only me.
Still… They waited until she demanded I cash her vcard. So maybe it was less about a threat to my safety and more about her line jumping?
Should probably be bothered by that.
Ugh.
During Air Lustonia’s short flight to Wall Airport, Red moved. Placing herself between me and the immobilized northern beauty. While Frankie slid up to my other side. Already lighting a cigar as she lifts it to my mouth.
*puff* *puff* *sip*
“Thank you, love.” Nod to my blushing priest-wife.
Along with the cigar, a glass of whiskey is now in hand too. Feels like I’m back in the Grand Suite, relaxing next to the fireplace. Almost.
Cross my legs, exhale some smoke, and wave out the Blackhart knights who had come storming through the curtain.
Of course they are not armored up in this civilian business. But they are dressed pretty snazzily. In some sort of formal uniform with blacks and greens plus silver highlights.
Still wearing their swords though.
Now, back to the bitch who has so rudely interrupted my date. That I haven't even actually met yet. Yeah, bet she’s pissed over me being so late.
Meh… Only came because it gave me an excuse to play Cheri in public.
And despite being a sneeze away from death? Aristobrat Sonja Almgren’s ice bitch mode is still in full effect.
Even through Rowl’s cold undeath grip, she manages to speak pretty clearly.
“Lord Barton.” *cough* “I am the daughter of a Duke and fiance of a Prince.” You can feel the smirk. “You won’t kill me, so stop pretending you might.”
This lady really don’t know me, do she.
“Bitch. You got amnesia?” What a condescending look on her face. “Where were you on game day?” Don’t wait for a response. “Daughter of a duke? Please. I killed a duke. Twice.”
Her imperious attitude vanishes and her eyes suddenly get really big.
Seriously? She forgot? There may be something wrong with this chick?
Just like that, ice bitch mode flips back to vulnerable maiden mode.
“I… We…” She shudders. “Th-there is no e-excuse.” Tears? “I am, foregning. Di-disgraced.” Seems to resolve herself. “P-please, shtrafa jak. Uh, punish, punish my body.”
…
Is she bipolar? Got a multiple personality disorder? Rope fetish?
Guess its time for, “the talk.”
“Ice b-. Do you mind if I call you, ice bitch?” Talk over her attempt to reply. “Good. Thank you… Ice bitch. My father told me to never stick my dick in crazy. Or at least give them a fake name if you do.” Sigh. “And you, miss cuckette? Are-”
Suddenly sense a disturbance in the force. As if a million wives suddenly found their husbands’ porn stashes.
“Let me through! Please!”
Fuck. Recognize those tits, I mean, that voice. Peeking through the shadows shows me, otome girl, Lady Helena Lehne.
The knights defending the booth’s entrance have blocked the swan mask wearing chick’s attempt to violate my territorial bubble. But she’s determined.
Also notice the number of club security in this room has tripled. And are all giving my entourage the side eye.
Guess violence here is “frowned upon.” Hehe… Dumbasses should never have let me in then.
Check further to see what I’m up against and notice prince douchebag looking for someone. Guess he wasn’t able to “seal the deal” with Helena.
“Please…” Otome girl sounds desperate. “He could find me at any moment.”
Sigh.
God dammit.
“Let her in!”
My voice surprises the focused knights but they recover quickly and let Helena through the curtain.
*pant* *pant*
She seems rather, sweaty. Like she’s been running. And where are her shoes?
“Thank you… That royal shit is not taking “no” for an answer tonight.” She freezes as she notices the scene before her. ”Uh… What is all this then?”
Walking in on a countrywoman being pinned to a wall and stabbed while a dozen ladies eagerly watch is likely not what she expected to see. So, I should really handle this diplomatically.
“What is what?”
Oh yeah. Nailed it.
“I… Uh… Okay…?” With a visible effort, Helena ignores Sonja’s hostile glare and turns her attention back to me. “Yes, uh, you are real, right?”
“Excuse me?”
Helena shakes her from side to side roughly.
“Dom! Sorry, you think… Yes. Ha. Let’s start over. I’m Helena Leh- Augh! No!” Her earnest friendly expression cracks and begins looking frantic. “Bugger!” A very small knife appears in her hand.
In a rough motion the same hand pulls up a sleeve. Revealing dozens of small scars and cuts on her arm. A short shallow split in her flesh is created by the blade and a pained scream is barely heard through tightly clenched lips.
What the fuck. A cutter?
Great…
The knife disappears up its sleeve and the injuring hand presses down on the wound to stop the bleeding.
“[Stream of Life]”
Her hand glows dimly and water starts dripping from the arm.
[Water School] healing spell?
Helena shivers and turns a little pale but stays standing.
“I…” She flinches. “Am Elizabeth Carter. I like coffee. Please, what’s the name of a large coffee house chain?”
“Starbucks.” I answer.
“Hehe… Aces. Another, please.” Her shuddering has turned into shaking. “What do you call a coffee with chocolate?”
Hitomi gives Helena a ‘what a dumb question’ look. “Mocha.”
“Ha!” Tears start running down Helena’s cheeks. “One more, just one more please… Manchester or Liverpool?”
“What?”
Helena’s face falls. “No, tosh, I was so sure.”
What is she, oh, Manchester, yeah. I get it.
“Are you talking about soccer?”
Swan mask lady perks up immediately.
“Jon-kun, its not soccer. Its football.”
Give Hitomi a hurt look. “Only heathens think that’s football.” Sincere scoff. “Real football doesn’t let players fake life threatening injuries.”
“Crazy gaijin.” My JK girlfriend is rolling her eyes at me. “Besides, baseball is better.”
*waaaah*
Look around the table to see Helena, Elizabeth I guess, has fallen to her knees and is bawling her eyes out.
*sob*
“I’m not alone. Thank you father. I’m not alone.”
Motion to Frosty who is sitting by her and she smoothly takes the knife away, which had appeared in her hand again, and hugs otome girl’s shoulders.
“Come.” A kind smile. “Sit with your oneesan.”
The knocked up fake loli guides the shell shocked girl to the booth seats. The pinned aristobrat has switched back to ice bitch.
“So you are a varlskif.” Nods to herself. “That explains a lot of your actions.”
Frankie squeezes my knee and gives me a look.
…
Fine.
Motion towards Sonja. “Put her down. Maybe I’ll kill her later.”
Smoothly Hitomi sheathes her blades and slides across the booth onto the seat on the other side of the still crying isekai girl. Joining Frosty in hugging and comforting her.
Ice bitch finds herself deposited at the end of the booth by Rowl. Now in between Mila and Val. Opposite isekai girl.
Now that the show is settled I take another puff in my cigar and open the debate.
“Hele- I mean Elizabeth, what do you mean by alone? Got the impression there was more than one isekai up there.”
Ice bitch sits upright proudly and replies.
“Of course there are. I, myself, know of a dozen varlskif among the valiant nobility.”
“Twat!” Otome girl’s shout catches Sonja by surprise. “What rubbish. They’re lying.”
Lady Almgren is offended. “How dare you insult su-”
“Sandburger? Hamwhich? The car company, Yoda?” Toyota? “Tossers, the lot of them.”
I’m confused and my glance at Hitomi shows she is too.
“What are you talking about?” I ask.
Otome girl’s face is a mess of snot and tears but she’s stopped crying at least.
“I wrote or visited every so called varlskif.” She shakes her head. “Acted like I was a fan.” Laughs. “Every one of them cocked up most answers.”
You can almost see the question mark floating over Hitomi’s head. “Why pretend to be from Earth?”
“Status. Thank you.” Helena accepts a hanky from Frosty and starts wiping her face. “Earthlings are celebrities in Lustonia.”
“I do not believe you.” Sonja glares at otome girl.
“Really?” Helena looks smug. “Get a really bad fever? Fall out of a tree? Almost die?” Shakes her head again. “Pretend to be from another world and welcome to easy street.” Rubs fingers together. “Speaking tours. Invitations to court. Utter rot.”
Ice bitch mode starts slipping as Sonja looks at me.
“Ah… Well… Uh. Its hamburger, not sandburger. Sandwich, not hamwhich. Even if it has ham on it.” The Lustonian villainess looks like I just proved there is no Santa Claus. “Yoda isn’t a car company. That’s Toyota, if I remember right. Yoda is a character in a scifi movie.”
“But… but… There is no ham in the sandburger.” Ice bitch is grasping at straws.
“True.” I reply. “Usually hamburgers are made with beef but, they are still called hamburgers. I don’t know why.”
“They are named after Hamburg.” Hitomi answers. “A city in Germany. Like frankfurters are named after another city in Germany. Frankfurt.”
Yep. My JK girlfriend is sexy, and smart.
Twinkles appear in ice bitch’s eyes. “So, you three, really, truly, are from Yord?” Uh, Urth?”
Didn’t she already believe that? “Yes.”
Hitomi cuts in. "Well Jon-kun and Elizabeth-san just had their souls brought over. My friends and I had our entire bodies magicked here."
Those twinkles in Sonja’s eyes turn positively shining. As a way too happy smile spreads across her face.
A smile that reminds me an awful lot of the looks I used to get from Frosty.
“Sen varlskif.” Is reverently whispered from Lady Almgren.
Wait.
Is Sonja an… Otaku?
A disturbingly obsessed fan like look is sent my way by the now kind of creepy stalkery acting Lustonian aristobrat.
"... Hy, my herre."
…
Crap.