S-8. Giant Robot Makeover!!
The flustered and (hypothetically) blushing Radiolaria finally chased me out of her office, and I returned to my own cozy virtual library and flopped down on a virtual beanbag chair.
Mwahahaha, Laria’s cute when she gets flustered! I wonder if I can play Cupid and arrange her hookup with the captain?
Hmm, on second thought, maybe not. I might get executed.
I shook my head vigorously at that thought. I very much enjoyed not being dead.
Well, onto the next topic! I’ve got to work on my own relationship with my pilot, and the one thing I absolutely need to win over her heart is a sexy body!
That’s right, it’s time for a giant robot makeover!
*****
“A… giant robot makeover? Are you shitting me?”
Floating in front of me was the Radiolaria’s mechanics chief, 1st Lieutenant Vegna Madlala. He was a wiry but muscular man, sloppily dressed in coveralls and absolutely covered in grease. Several tools hung from his belt, clanking together every time he moved.
Since there was a dearth of screens in the hanger bay by which my avatar might appear, I was instead piping my voice through my cockpit’s speaker system and using my giant robot body to motion enthusiastically to the bewildered mechanic. Radiolaria had already explained my presence to most of the ship’s crew, so they were (slowly) becoming accustomed to me.
Vegna looked at me, wide-eyed and frowning. “What exactly do you want a makeover for?”
“I’m all old and busted!” I moaned. “Look, my body is primer-colored! You can see the metal where the paint has worn through!”
I pointed over to Sabina’s Gravity Frame. “Look at that beauty! SVGF-81 Huntsmark-X Assault Type! It’s so sleek and elegant! A beautifully shiny paintjob the color of a night sky! I want a body like THAT!”
If the Huntsmark was a shiny new F-16 Fighting Falcon, my own blocky body was more like a rusty old A-10 Warthog.
“Of all the unreasonable…” Vegna moaned. “Missy, look. The Huntsmark may be cutting edge, but it’s also a real pain the ass to maintain. The more complex they make this shit and the more moving parts they cram in there, they more it breaks down, yeah?”
“Whereas YOU” he continued, motioning to me enthusiastically, “are an absolutely TIMELESS design. Sturdy, reliable, easy to maintain! Why, your heat radiators alone are practically a work of art! More advanced isn’t always better, know what I mean? Your true beauty lies on the inside!”
Gah. I suppose even in my old world the A-10 Warthog had a lot of fans. And they did keep it flying way past its prime…
No way! I don’t wanna be some washed-up design people keep around cuz I’m low maintenance!
“Look,” I replied, trying to reason with Vegna. “I might be a giant robot, but I’m also a girl! And a girl cares about her looks!”
“I don’t know what universe YOU came from, missy, but this is a warship full of soldiers. Nobody here cares about their appearance THAT much, girl or otherwise.”
Ugh, he’s got me there.
“However,” he continued, “a little vanity isn’t a bad thing. I can’t do anything about your model, at least not right now, but I might be able to give you a fresh coat of paint.”
“OOOOOH?!” I seized upon that. “Can I pick the colors?!”
“Long as we got them in stock.” he replied.
“WOOHOO!” I exclaimed.
“Hold up, missy, I’m not finished. In exchange for a paintjob, I want you to help me.”
“Help? With what?” I tilted my head.
He pointed over to the far end of the hanger bay, where a whole bunch of Construction Frames were bolted to the wall in varying states of disrepair.
“Most of our ConFrames got busted up real bad last month. Without them, moving around big components has become a huge pain in the ass. But you can move on your own, right missy? If you could help us out with repairing the other Gravity Frames, transporting arms and servos and stuff, I’ll give you a new coat of paint in exchange.”
“DEAL!” I agreed wholeheartedly. “YOU’VE GOT A DEAL!”
Vegna folded his arms and smiled, nodding once to me.
“Bwahahahaha! Sveta the robot girl is ON THE CASE! I’m gonna work hard to earn my makeover!” I struck a victory-winking pose, deactivating the LED backlights in the left half of my optical visor to mimic a wink.
The sight of a giant robot posing like an idol caught Vegna offguard, and he just stared at me mouth agape for a few moments.
“You really are a strange one, missy.” he said with a sigh.
*****
Ten of the ship’s Gravity Frames had been smashed up beyond all repair (and yours truly had recently rammed one into an enemy ship), so the mechanics were currently working on salvaging the usable parts from each in the hope they could cobble together a couple of chimera units. It was basically giant robot kitbashing. A Huntsmark-X arm would be stuck on a Blade Tornado torso and equipped with Foxtrot-B legs. The result was extremely asynchronous because the variations between different models was rather stark. The performance of these chimera units would be limited by their worst components, but they were better than nothing.
The mechanics were basically using me as a glorified forklift, which I found ironic. I would grab a giant robot limb and hold it in place while they connected and welded it together. My hands were too big and clunky to use any of their tools, so I just did the heavy lifting.
Despite my reincarnation I’m still just a warehouse worker at heart, huh? Once a forklift driver, always a forklift driver.
While my physical body was occupied with busy work, I created a new instance of my mind to start planning out my new paintjob. Radiolaria had taught me that, as an AI, I could run my consciousness as multiple parallel processes that would allow me to focus my full attention on several different tasks simultaneously. If I wanted to, I could have separate conversations with ten people at once!
Conjuring a virtual art easel, I began to design my brand new look while cackling madly.
*****
“Good work, Sveta! After a bit of testing and programming, we should have two more Gravity Frames ready to go!”
I looked over at the units we had assembled. They were truly patchwork, resembling hastily assembled sculptures from a junkyard moreso than functional war machines.
“Geh. I suppose I shouldn’t complain about my own appearance, huh.”
“Indeed, missy.” Vegna replied, smirking. “Count yourself lucky all your parts came from the same model.”
“Anyway,” I continued while desperately pushing that thought aside, “I can help out with the programming bits. I am ultimately a giant robot OS, after all.”
“Oooooh? That’s true.” Vegna’s eyes glinted.
“Just power up their data links and I’ll get to work!”
All Gravity Frames used the same OS, which was creatively named “Energia G-Frame Holographic GUI,” so my programming tasks primarily consisted of installing the correct drivers for the various bits of hardware and unifying the disparate software into the combined control scheme. Programming busy work like this had become easy to me since I had become an AI, no more complex than walking while chewing bubble gum.
I finished up in about forty minutes. By contrast, the same task would have taken a human programmer at least two days.
A couple of mechanics started up the chimera Frames to test their movements, and everything checked out.
“So, I kept my part of the bargain!” I said eagerly. “Now it’s your turn, Vegna!”
“Yeah, yeah.” Vegna responded, grinning. “Do you know what kinda paintjob you want?”
I pointed to the small rubber-encased tablet computer hanging from his belt, where I had remotely uploaded the design. He took one look at it and his eyes bugged out of his head.
“Missy, th-this is…”
“No takebacks! You promised!” I declared.
*****
The painting took nearly twelve hours. Vegna looked exhausted by the end, but considering I had just shaved three weeks off his workload I didn’t feel too guilty. He complained a lot, but he also seemed to be enjoying the artistic endeavor.
With my glo-up complete, Vegna stood back and crossed his arms with a satisfied grin. “Hmm. Not bad, missy. Not bad at all.”
“I KNOW, RIGHT?!” I responded joyfully.
My base coat was now a bright pearly white, and my panels and greebles were highlighted in a soft pink edging. Twining down both arms and legs were paintings of intricate green vines which sprouted pink lily flowers. In the middle of my torso, centered around my cockpit hatch, was a single huge pink lily blossom.
It was an elegant and floral design well-suited to a tender girl such as myself! Truly, the best makeover a giant robot could receive!
“Ya know,” Vegna said, frowning a bit. “When the other pilots see this, they’re gonna be jealous and want a shiny new paintjob too.”
“That’s okay!” I responded merrily. “I’ll keep helping you out so the work won’t get overwhelming.”
“Well, in that case, I don’t mind.” he grinned.
Ah, how nice to have a mechanic that understands me! I scratch his back, and he scrubs mine!
Just then, Miette floated into the hanger bay. She was suited up and wearing her helmet.
“Oy, Sveta, it’s time for my patrol. Let’s-”
She cut herself off upon catching sight of me.
I proudly struck my victory-winking pose. “Miette, look! Giant robot girl Sveta has gotten an incredible makeover!”
Miette gawped for a moment, and then doubled over laughing. Vegna and I just stared at her as she shook with mirth.
“H-Hey! What’s so funny?” I asked warily.
“AHAHAHAHA! It’s nothing, really! MWAHAHAHAHA!” Miette gasped.
I started to pout a bit.
“It’s just,” she continued, finally calming down “it’s a look that suits you, yeah? Very light and airy. Very cute.”
Vegna nodded in agreement. “Hmm. It is pretty cute.”
Gah, right in the feels! When my pilot calls me cute, I can’t stay mad at her!
ALRIGHT! Operation Makeover is a complete success!!