Chapter 205 Condiment King and Bane

I looked through the bank walls with X-ray vision as I watched someone robbing it. They weren’t a normal criminal, but I also didn’t consider them a real villain. They were someone in the middle and much closer to a joke character. I really liked him though, as my face turned into a smirk as I looked at a man wearing a pickle costume.

The motherfucking Condiment King is here! He was up there with Kite Man on D-list villains, who I liked. Condiment King was just funny. The idea of someone spraying people with ketchup and mustard if they didn’t give him money just seemed fantastical enough for it to be in comics but also down to Earth, so someone in Florida might have tried pulling it off themself.

He gets two big old-timey bags of money as he sprays them all with both nozzles of his condiment guns. The comics made Kite Man an actually well-developed character. They made him religious, and he didn’t like swearing. After his son dies, he gets his famous catchphrase ‘Kite Man, hell yeah!’. He also ends up being Poison Ivy's boyfriend in one of the universes. What kind of D-list villain has that kind of insane backstory?

I just watched as he made his escape. Condiment King really should have thought out a better escape plan than running from the bank in his obvious villain costume. I watched as Green Arrow was aiming at the pressurized condiment tanks on his back. Just before he fired, I telekinetically tripped the Condiment King as I thought of doing something funny.

I was going to puppet the villain into embarrassing Green Arrow. Condiment King would get his day in the light as he finally defeated a hero. The Green Arrow was shocked as he missed, and the arrow dug into the crosswalk in front of the Condiment King. I kept dodging the arrows as Green Arrow grew more and more flustered; the Condiment King wasn’t even aware he was dodging anything, just confused that his body was moving on its own.

He turned the corner, and Green Arrow had to reposition. If I hadn’t corrected one of the arrows, it would have hit a pedestrian that Condiment King ran by when he fired. Green Arrow was growing more and more frustrated and was taking more and more risky shots just so he could shoot at the villain more often. I think he was embarrassed by the person who was showing him up, and that person didn’t even know he was doing it.

He still hadn’t noticed the arrows, even as Green Arrow shot a zipline to the ground in front of him. Condiment King had no spatial awareness, as his absentmindedness would have gotten him stomped into the ground as the Green Arrow glided down behind him and dropped directly onto him if I didn’t stop him right before he landed.

He jumped from a very high height as well, which would have seriously injured the Condiment King, but he hurt himself instead. Green Arrow’s peak body managed to shrug off falling thirty-five feet onto the pavement without breaking his ankles. I took even more control over the Condiment King’s body as he started blocking punches and kicks that the Green Arrow was throwing in his direction.

Once again, I didn’t think he was aware that someone else was controlling him, most likely thinking his body was moving on its own as he wondered how he suddenly became a badass. I spray the Green Arrow down with both ketchup and mustard as I make Condiment King’s voice appear out of nowhere to taunt him. “Now that you’re in a pickle, I’ll let you mustard a response as I run away. I just hope you can ketchup.” As I made him run into the road, I cleared a car with his body and made him sprint like an Olympic runner.

As Green Arrow moved to chase, he slipped on the extra slippery condiments. I got unlucky as another two heroes showed up, and I knew they’d catch on if it was more than one hero getting bamboozled. It was unlucky for Condiment King, but while he’s in jail, he can tell everyone how he outplayed Green Arrow and would have gotten away if the other two heroes didn’t show up.

I dropped a tub of relish onto Red Arrow and Arsenal’s heads as I decided to leave them to it now that Condiment King was handcuffed. Once again, you are putting more words in his mouth. “I relish the victory I had over the Green Arrow until the dastardly duo defeated me!” I held back a laugh as I left them to it. Damn! I should have recorded that! Well, I’ll just replay my memories using light constructs of what happened.

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I was forced into another team-up where I had to keep a bunch of D-list heroes alive in a very dangerous situation. They were just lucky I liked a few of them, and there was a girl on the team. Stargirl, Shining Knight, The Crimson Avenger, S.T.R.I.P.E., and Vigilante all teamed up, and I was forced to tag along. If you wanted to climb the ranks, you needed to be a team player. There could only be one Batman on the team, and even he had his sidekicks.

Bane moved back down to Mexico a month after the 100 showed up because he saw the writing on the wall and started to work with the leader of Mexico to run drugs in the country. Bane was the only real threat, and you would assume that a group of five D-list heroes could take him down… But Bane was running a drug empire in Mexico. There were a lot of drug runners and gang members around, and the goal wasn’t to just go in and beat Bane up but to also find and destroy the drugs.

It started off fine as we kept ourselves quiet. As someone uber-powerful, I was only supposed to step in if the group got into trouble or could end up extremely injured. That happened when they got spotted. Their plot armor could make a bullet or two miss, but when hundreds of goons were firing semi-auto weapons, all the base humans would have been killed in seconds if I hadn’t stepped in.

Boosting their survivability and blocking the bullets with force fields, I let them keep up their work. It was once again going fine until the mobsters started breaking out laser weaponry that was even hurting the super-powered members of the team. I put the bigger threats to sleep while making sure to block the much more powerful projectiles from even getting close to the squishies.

After everyone was unconscious, Bane finally came out with an improved Venom serum he was testing. It pumped him up to a twelve-foot hulk-like juggernaut who was reaching into superhuman levels of strength. Even five against one Bane was fucking them up and down the street. I had to block most of the worst damage that was dealt to Vigilante and The Crimson Avenger; otherwise, they’d have been snapped in half by the air pressure of Bane’s punches.

They finally took his eyesight and whittled him down until they could cut the venom tubes. Bane wasn’t superhumanly strong; he was only slightly above peak human in strength normally, but his mind was his biggest weapon. The way he used the team's powers against them made the fight drag out, and he’d have easily won if I hadn’t been here pulling his punches from the back. I could tell by the sideways glances from Stargirl that, at the very least, I didn’t waste my time protecting these guys. I’ll have to wait until processing all the criminals is done before we sneak away to get bus,y though.

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