34: Emotional Beginnings

Paisley recalled back to the Silver Ridge guild house that night, with the promise that she’d message me in the morning. I hoped she would be okay, because she was going to be telling Ethan about me and her decision to leave the guild. I wish I could have gone with her, but she’d just shaken her head and told me she needed to do it alone. She felt guilty that she hadn’t done it earlier, and so she had to prove to herself and everyone else that she did indeed have a backbone.

That left me to have a talk to Elena, who I found relaxing with a glass of wine beside the fireplace. She looked so cosy, and initially I thought she was asleep.

“Hey,” she murmured, drowsy with relaxation. “Took your time getting home.”

“I was busy piloting a surgical robot, stabbing masked attackers with scalpels, and having my soul torn from my body,” I said casually. “Ah, I also splashed some sort of concentrated acid in the attacker’s faces.”

Her eyes opened and she frowned, trying to figure out if I was joking. I grinned and took a seat opposite her with a groan. “I’m a digital human now. Some people attacked the hospital I was at, started killing everyone who wasn’t dressed like them. The SAI’s only option for evacuation was through digitization and the FTLN.”

“Holy shit,” she blinked, stunned. “Uh… tell me the full story?”

I did so, starting with how Paisley had figured out who I was, then the hospital, and finally, Paisley’s idea to start a guild. Elena listened to it all with an ever growing expression of disbelief. It was a pretty wild story, I had to admit.

“Wow,” she laughed, once I was done. “You had a big day, huh?”

“Yeah, and now I’m really tired,” I sighed, closing my eyes to rest them.

I heard Elena get up, and wondered if she was going to join me on the sofa. Her footsteps receded, though, and I was left alone for a minute. She returned a few moments later and sat down beside me, placing a glass of wine in my limp hand. She even closed my fingers around it to make sure I wouldn’t drop it.

“Time for drinking,” she said gently, and leaned back into the soft cushions. I definitely agreed with her.

We sipped our wine in silence for five minutes or so, just decompressing, before she said, “I like the sound of this guild idea. I miss my old guild, even if some of them were assholes. Well, I miss the camaraderie of it, the sense of belonging.”

“It’s nice, huh?” I agreed. “So you’re keen?”

“Especially about that big walking tree house idea,” she chuckled. “That shit sounds so fucking cool. Reminds me of a fairy version of the big walking cities in CORA.”

“Maybe not that big,” I laughed, remembering the giant walking armoured castles that she was talking about. The streams of the battles in that game had been insane.

Elena’s laugh joined mine, but she sobered quickly and gently leaned her head on the back of the sofa. “Speaking of big, though. Being digitised is huge. How are you doing with it all?”

“Happy to be rid of that useless sack of meat and bad memories,” I shrugged. “I was practically a digital person already. Now I just don’t have to ever go back to a body that… that I didn’t feel like I belonged in.”

“Wait, you…” she began, but I shot her a quick look and shook my head.

“No labels, please,” I said quietly. “I’m still working things out, processing… you know. My heart is there already, but my brain is still catching up.”

“I understand,” she said, reaching out to place a hand on my thigh. It wasn’t a sexual thing, though. Just a comforting touch. “When I was first starting to realise I was gay, I kept finding myself hating the idea of it, but then I’d see a girl’s ass and… god.”

I giggled and rolled my eyes. “Yeah. You and asses.”

“I like them,” she grinned. “I love yours. Fits well in my hand.”

“Horny girl,” I whispered, leaning in close to her. “So horny.”

The next day, I sent Noah a message, asking if he wanted to join us in making the tree house and the guild. He came back quickly with a resounding yes, and I gave him the directions to the tree so he could join me, Elena and Paisley. Then I was off to find materials for the tools we’d need to make everything. I wanted to do all the metalworking myself, but there were certain parts I wouldn’t be able to do myself.

The annoying thing about leaving the house from the city door was that I lost my Return Point every time I did so. At least I got a little trickle of experience every time I was forced into fighting my way through whatever monsters had respawned. It was actually enough experience to bump me up to level 23, but I didn't get much from the level. Just the usual stat points and ability points.

I allocated my two attribute points into Athleticism and my ability point into Mind Flutter. Level 25 was just around the corner, though, and I’d be taking the dive into whatever crazy new shit the game had in store. I could only imagine the ways I might be able to take this class. God it was exciting! There were some bosses I had in mind to test my evolution out on, too—I couldn't wait to absolutely eviscerate them.

I was just pushing through the undergrowth near the tree when I heard voices ahead, and I slowed my progress to get an idea of who was there. Noah and Paisley I had been expecting, but not Ethan.

As I approached, I watched him carefully. He was smiling at something Noah was saying, the tiny tank gesturing wildly as he told his tale. However, I could see how his face was pinched and his expression just a little too stiff, and it hinted at less wholesome underlying emotions. Then he noticed me as I stepped out of the brush and into view.

Paisley saw me a moment later and I was forced to turn my attention to her as she rushed over and hugged me. “Keiko!”

“Hey,” I said quietly, pressing my face into her hair. “Ethan’s here?”

Her body went still against me, and she nodded imperceptibly. “Yeah. When I told him what happened, he insisted on coming to see you.”

“Okay… I hope this goes well,” I said with a weary sigh. Honestly, I just wanted all this shit behind us. But, if it didn't go well, I wouldn't hesitate to tell him to go fuck himself.

Releasing Paisley was difficult. Her touch was surprisingly calming to me, and I really needed to be calm as I walked over to Ethan and Noah. I wish Elena had been here too, then I’d have felt much safer. She was so nice like that. Always attentive to how I was feeling. Wish I could've said the same about me, but we all had our personal strengths, I guess.

“Hey Ethan,” I said, giving him a little wave. My heart rate was climbing with every second. God I was nervous.

“Keiko,” he replied. His lips quirked up into an amused smile, and I had to stop myself from frowning as I tried to analyse it. Was it amusement in my favour or was he laughing at me internally? If it was the latter, what did it mean? Was he amused at my nervousness or did he think I was dumb?

“I um… I explained everything to Ethan, plus I showed him our DMs, Rascal,” Paisley told me, her hand coming down to rest on my arm. “He’s up to date on the drama and our plans.”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I wanted to talk to you about that night, when you got kicked from the guild, if that’s okay. Also, what are your pronouns? Paisley didn’t want to break your confidence on that front, so yeah… what do I call you?”

“My pronouns?” I blinked, thrown off by the questions. “Um, she and her, I think. I mean, yes, definitely those. My name is Keiko now, too. My old identity is quite literally dead now, since I’m digital now. I expect my physical body is nothing but charred meat and bone buried under rubble by now.”

“Jesus, that’s dark,” he chuckled, eyebrows rising up towards his hairline. “Well, noted. Nice to meet you, Keiko. As for the other thing… god, I don’t even know where to begin. I knew that Marlon could be a bit… nasty sometimes, but…”

“He was a ‘bit nasty sometimes’ to you,” I shrugged. “Imagine how he was with people he wasn’t in love with. Even Paisley and me were insulated from it because we were his friends, but the signs are all there. We were just too high on our own self importance to notice. Nothing quite like being part of a highly ranked and skilled raiding guild to boost your ego.”

Ethan winced. “Yeah. I guess you’re not wrong there.”

“But yeah,” I said, chagrined. “I’m sorry for what I said to Marlon, it wasn’t right. Slurs aren’t okay no matter the context. However… that boyfriend of yours is a fucking cunt, and that’s before we bring the cheating into the equation.”

“He’s… he really is cheating, huh?” the healer asked, his shoulders slumping. “I mean, I’m not stupid. I’ve seen how he acts with Aquilla. I just thought he wasn’t, like, going all the way, you know?”

“Dude,” Noah interrupted, before anyone else could speak. “I get that you love this guy, but come on. Have a little self respect. If your relationship was exclusive and he was making eyes at another guy, you need to at least have a chat with him.”

Ethan’s lanky frame wilted, and he glanced around for somewhere to sit. “Yeah. I know. I hate it so much, but I know. He wasn’t always like this, by the way. Leading that guild just… ruined him. Every raid clear we got made his ego bigger, and his sense of empathy and compassion smaller.”

“I remember,” I agreed quietly. “When we first met, he was so nice. He bought me my first good bow, and like, before I’d even agreed to join the guild. He just liked to help people.”

To my surprise, Ethan shook his head and set himself down on a large root. “Yeah, but there were warning signs even back then. He always had an ego, but it was all shrivelled up with nothing to feed it. That’s why when there was something to feed it, it grew.”

"Yeah, but what are you going to do about it?" Noah asked. "Like, I've known you for all of half an hour and I can see you deserve better. You're a cool dude, and you deserve to be with another cool dude, or girl, I don't know."

Ethan's expression flickered with pain for a brief moment, but then he shrugged and grinned at the tiny fairy boy. "Just guys, for me. You're right, too. I know you're right, but it's still so hard. He's not going to take this lying down either. Me and Paisley leaving together… we're important parts of his raid team, and therefore his ego and self worth. It'll twist him into even more of an asshole."

"That's on him, my dude," Noah said, reaching out to ruffle the much taller guy's hair. Even with Ethan sitting, Noah only stood half a foot over him. "You, on the other hand, can start to process and heal."

I saw the moment that Ethan really accepted what Noah was saying, because his face crumpled in slow motion. “Fuck,” he choked, burying his face in his hands. “I’m sorry guys. I didn’t want to… to break down like this in front of you all. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, dude,” I said softly, kneeling down beside Noah to take the healer’s hand in mine. “Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to hold anything in with us, alright? That’s not what we’re about.”

Noah went one further than me and quickly took a seat next to Ethan, then opened his arms for a hug. “If you’re comfortable with it,” he said, giving the taller boy a gentle smile. The healer fell into the tank’s arms like a puppet finally getting a chance to rest. Silently, I looked up and met Paisley’s wrathful gaze. We were both thinking it. Marlon had a lot to answer for.