3.7: ❤️Faux Pas
My head pounded and my eyes were puffy and swollen as Emily, her parents, and I sat on the couches in their cozy TV room. Emily had set a plush cushion on the floor in front of a loveseat so that I could sit between her legs with my head in her lap. She stroked my hair as the four of us talked about anything and everything. I nursed a beer that Marvin had given me while Emily and her mother enjoyed a cup of what I assumed was sake. They had offered me some, but right then everything tasted bland from my nose being so stuffy, so I politely declined.
“So she just hands the guy’s arm back to him and then flies back over to Bray and makes some pun about ‘disarming’ him. I mean… everyone thought she was so cool and a huge badass… and she’s down there making dad jokes.”
“A woman after my own heart. Nothing beats a well timed dad joke… amiright?”
“Only you would think that, Dad.”
“Hey Em, do you know what it’s called when someone who’s not a dad tells a dad joke?”
She let out an exaggerated sigh.
“I’m sure I’m going to regret asking this, babe… but no, what is it called?”
“A faux pas.”
Marvin burst out laughing while Emily let out a forced chuckle.
“Allie, have you heard that saying going around about dad jokes?”
I turned to her father and shook my head slightly.
“A regular joke becomes a dad joke when it becomes apparent. Personally, I say that it becomes one when it’s all groan.”
As I thought about the joke for a second I snorted and then laughed out loud.
“Oh, that’s good, it's a double… Imma steal that one.”
“Mi dad joke, es su dad joke. So… Allie, how many paranoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
I had heard this one before, so I put on a mock look of distress.
“Who wants to know?!"
We both cracked up and Emily groaned again behind me as she helped herself to another glass of sake. She offered me some again and I shook my head and turned back towards Marvin as I thought of another joke.
"You’ve heard of Murphy’s law, right?”
“Yeah… anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”
“Right. Have you ever heard of Cole’s law before?”
“Cole’s law no… I haven’t…”
“It’s thinly sliced cabbage.”
“Thinly sl- Hehehehehehe. I like that one.”
“Hey Dad, the last time I was home Evan came up to me and asked me for a bookmark. It made me feel so sad… 16 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Emily.”
Marvin and I laughed loudly as Kim shook her head with a wide smile on her face. She gave me one of those sly grins again before joining in.
“Emily, did you hear about that kidnapping at your high school?”
I cocked my head to try to figure out the punch line, and I felt Emily’s body shift slightly as she shook her head.
“It all worked out in the end… the teacher woke him up.”
It took me a few seconds longer than normal to get that one, but as soon as I did I let out a loud chuckle.
“I don’t get it.”
I kissed her leg softly and tilted my head backwards to look up at her.
“The kid was napping. Kidnapping.”
She rolled her eyes and groaned softly. I stuck out my tongue at her and looked back at Emily’s parents.
“So, back in Aspen my neighbor was telling me that he is mad at his wife because she was sunbathing topless in their backyard. Personally, I’m on the fence.”
“Ha! That one’s good. I’m so keeping that one. I’ve got one that’s especially fitting for you two… what did the lesbian bring on her second date?”
I rolled my eyes as I had definitely heard this one before and I nudged Emily to indicate she should answer. After she didn’t say anything for a few seconds I moved my head backwards and looked up at her again.
“A Uhaul…”
Emily snorted and then kissed my forehead.
“Can confirm, that one is definitely true.”
Marvin chuckled softly and gave me a serious look.
“I’m done buying shoes from drug dealers… the last pair was laced with something and I was tripping all day.”
Everyone laughed at that one and then we all turned towards Evan who had just walked in the room.
“Hey Dad, if two people having sex is called a twosome, and three people having sex is called a threesome, is that why mom calls you handsome?”
“HA! Good one! But I’ll have you know I rarely have to use my hand. I’ve recently become addicted to Viagra… and no one is taking it harder than your mother.”
Emily and Evan both made disgusted noises and I laughed so hard my belly started to hurt.
“Marvin! Really?!”
While she gave him an offended look I could see the naughty smile she gave him that said she wasn’t as mad as she let on. She looked at Evan and shook her head softly.
“I’m sorry, Evan. You’re at that age where you’re curious about the human body… which just means your dad and I will have to hide it somewhere else now.”
We all cracked up and Evan raised his hands in mock surrender.
“I give up. That was good. I’m going to go for a run before I head to bed. It was really nice to meet you, Allie.”
“You too, Evan.”
Emily shifted slightly and put her hand on my shoulder.
“We should probably get going too, Mom. It’s a long drive back to Boulder.”
She started to stand up and then flopped back into the couch.
“On second thought…”
Her mom gave us a knowing look and shifted off the couch.
“You girls stay the night. You can both sleep in your room as long as you promise to keep it down.”
She looked at me and gave me a naughty smile.
“No screaming tonight, ‘K?”
“Oh my god, Mom.”
Getting my very drunk fiancée to bed was more of a chore than I realized. I ended up needing her dad’s help to get her up the stairs and into her room. As he helped me ease her onto the bed I looked around her room with curiosity. Her dad grinned at me and opened his arms for a hug. I hugged him tightly and my heart felt happy as he kissed the top of my head gently. I could tell there was nothing sensual or intimate about the act, but done because he felt.. protective of me. Like a father hugging his daughter tightly. I started to tear up again and pulled away before it got too intense. I sniffled a few times and cleared my throat.
“Marvin, can I ask you something?”
“Of course, Allie. What’s up?”
“Can I… Can I call you Dad?”
He pulled me in for another hug and I buried my face in his chest.
“I’d like that.”
He kissed the top of my head again and held me for a moment before speaking softly.
“I can see why Emily loves you so much. You’re an amazing woman, Allie. I’m honored to call you my daughter. Now go lay down with your wife and the two of you get some sleep.”
My heart soared as he called Emily my wife and I nodded with my head still against his chest. He pulled away and moved towards the doorway before turning around.
“Good night, Emily. Good night, Allie.”
“Good night… Dad.”
After he shut the door I turned back towards the woman on the bed. I pulled off my jeans and t-shirt and tossed them to the side. Emily had already fallen asleep fully clothed, and I sighed as I moved onto the bed. I unbuckled her belt and slid it softly out from the belt loops in her skirt. I unbuttoned the top of the skirt and eased it down her sexy long legs. I laid it gently on the floor next to my clothes before realizing there was no way I was going to get her shirt off of her without her help. I nudged her awake slightly and gently tugged the bottom of her shirt upwards, hoping she would get the hint. She mumbled something and shifted upwards a bit and I eased her tank top off her and she sank back down onto the bed. Even the simple sports bra she was wearing made her boobs look amazing and I couldn’t help but stare for a moment. I blushed and thought about what she would say if she knew I was gazing longingly at her boobs, before pulling my bralette off and setting it with the rest of my clothing.
I pulled the sheet she was laying on top of out from under her and then as gently as I could manage I slid my arms underneath her and unclasped the back of her bra. I would have left it on her, but I know how uncomfortable those things can be to sleep in. I slid the straps down her arms and lifted it free from her body. I stared again at her breasts for a second before sliding under the sheet and laying my head on her chest. I thought about everything that had happened and I felt emotionally drained from all the crying I had done that day, and I fell asleep within minutes.
“Hey babe… wake up.”
I opened my eyes and looked around the darkened room. It was still night and I lifted my head to look at Emily.
“What’s up, gorgeous? Everything OK?”
She nodded and even in the dim lighting I could see her bite her lip gently.
“I’m horny.”
“So you thought you’d wake me up from deep sleep because what… you wanted sex?”
She nodded again.
“Is that OK?”
“Oh, absolutely!”
She laughed softly and pulled on my arm in an effort to get me to move up and kiss her. I took the hint and shifted so that I was half laying on top of her with my leg between hers, before I bent down and kissed her passionately. She tasted like fruit from the sake and I pushed my tongue into her mouth and moaned as she sucked on it for a few seconds. I slid my hand down and firmly grabbed her breast and started to squeeze it. She shook her head and pulled away slightly before grabbing my hand and moving it downwards between her legs. Without breaking eye contact she whispered in a breathy voice that sent chills up and down my spine.
“I need your fingers inside me.”
I nodded and started to slip my hand underneath the thin fabric of her lacy panties. She shook her head again and hooked her thumb in the waistband and started pulling downwards. I helped her slide them off her body and she literally grabbed my hand and pressed it against her already soaked outer folds. I adjusted my weight on the bed so that I could get a better angle before pushing two of my fingers into her. They went in with hardly any resistance and she rolled her eyes and gasped.
“Oh fuck. Yes…”
I could tell from the way she humped against my hand that she was hungry for me to start, so I shifted my fingers back and forth inside of her as I stroked her g-spot. Her legs started trembling almost immediately and she pulled my face down and started kissing me sloppily. I pressed my thumb against her clit as I finger fucked her and I felt her cum hard on my hand. The walls of her pussy squeezed me tightly as she arched her back. I stopped moving my fingers for a second when I felt her start humping my hand again and grinding her clit against my thumb. As she pulled away and started kissing from my jaw down my neck I slowly moved my fingers in a circular motion centered on her g-spot. I gasped from a mixture of intense pain and pleasure as Emily bit down just below my collar bone. Her legs thrashed and she held her mouth in place as an even bigger orgasm tore through her. I tried to keep moving my fingers, but her inner walls gripped me so tightly I couldn’t. Relief flooded me as her teeth let go of my shoulder and the sharp stinging sensation left behind made me gasp. I hadn’t been much into biting before… but damn if that didn’t turn me on almost instantly. After a couple of seconds she eased up and I felt her grab my wrist slightly and pull back. My fingers made a wet sucking sound as they pulled out of her and she grabbed my arm and popped the fingers that had just been inside her into her mouth. She suckled on them and moaned lewdly. I had never seen her act this way before, but I was certainly not against it. She pulled them out of her mouth with a loud POP! and licked her lips, all while maintaining eye contact with me. She glanced over to her left and smiled at me.
“Go into that drawer on the bottom and grab the thing with the blue straps. Pick which cock you want inside you and then help me get the harness on.”
I nodded eagerly and moved off the bed towards the nightstand she had indicated. I shucked my panties off quickly and tossed them across the room with one leg. Kneeling down, I opened the drawer and looked at the vast array of sex toys inside. I quickly found the blue harness that used strong velcro instead of clasps and buckles and then my eyes went wide at the number of dicks. She had ones of all shapes and sizes. There were ones that were definitely not human shaped and others that looked incredibly realistic. I marveled as I pulled out one that had to be 9 or 10 inches long and nearly the width of my wrist. Making a note to ask her about them later, I settled on a lime green one that was probably 5 or 6 inches long and had a slightly ridged surface. It had a slight upwards curve to it and my crotch tingled as I thought about it inside of me. I stood up and saw that Emily was already turned towards me with her legs near the edge of the bed. After several attempts at getting the harness on her, we finally managed to get it tight enough so that it didn’t slip down her hips when she moved.
With a half grin and eyes hooded in lust, she spoke in a voice that dripped with sensuality.
“How do you want it?”
The thought of her pounding me senseless appealed to me, but I was still slightly sore from the night before and pretty worn out from the emotional day we had.
“I want you on top making love to me.”
She nodded wordlessly and I hopped onto the bed and lay back against the pillows with my legs spread wide. I was already aroused at this point, so she shifted on the bed and knelt between my legs. I gasped in a mixture of dull pain from the hard sex before and bursts of pleasure as she pushed into me. Once I felt her quads against my inner thighs I wrapped my legs around her waist and stared up at her longingly. In the pale moonlight shining in from the window she looked absolutely stunning. Her milky white skin glistened and her dark eyes looked like pools of black and brown that I could swim in for days. Her lips were parted and she was breathing softly as she in turn looked down at me. Neither of us moved for a moment, fully engrossed with drinking in the other’s beauty. She let out a happy sigh and grabbed one of my hands and nuzzled it with her cheek before placing soft kisses in my palm. I moved my hand behind her head and pulled her down gently. She rolled her hips forward and I moaned loudly as she pushed into me deeply. I felt her press her breasts against mine and we kissed lovingly and passionately, our tongues dueling for control that neither of us seemed ready to give up. She slid her arms underneath me and moved so that she was now laying on top of me. I felt my orgasm rapidly approaching so I pulled back slightly and moved my lips to her neck just below her ear. I whispered softly and felt her shiver involuntarily.
“I’m gonna cum, Em.”
She didn’t change her pace or shift on the bed, instead we just held each other tightly while she slowly thrusted back and forth. There was no desperate need to get off and no wild toe curling orgasms. We just focused on basking in each other's loving embrace. In that moment, I wanted for nothing. I felt totally and completely fulfilled and there was nothing that could make my life any more perfect than it was. Even as I felt my peak hit my body, I didn’t descend from the blissful utopia of love my future wife was keeping me in. When we finally did stop, I refused to let her go. It wasn’t until she sighed softly and pulled her head away did I realize just how long we had laid there in that tight embrace. Emily smiled at me, and I thought she was going to say something sweet and romantic, until she gave me a guilty look.
“I have to pee so bad.”
We both broke down laughing as she pulled out of me and quickly undid the straps on the harness. She tossed me a towel, threw on a robe, and slipped out the door as quietly as she could.