3.74: Overwhelmed
After starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot, we remained quiet as I contemplated a multitude of topics that were racing through my brain. As I thought about all the things I had to do once I logged back in Holy Damnation, I let out a small weary sigh. While nothing felt like a chore, I just had so much to do that it felt like I was juggling dozens of tasks and not really accomplishing much of anything. I needed to resolve whatever was going to happen with Harrow, I needed to figure out the rest of the recruiting, I needed to help finish setting whatever was left for getting this tournament thing ready, I needed to figure out what the fuck I was doing about the angel kill squads that were plotting me and my clan’s demise, I need to think through the options for becoming the empress, I needed to find some sort of protection for the castle when the majority of us weren’t online, and I needed to manage everything while making sure to attend to my beautiful demon wives.
As if sensing my distress, Emily placed her hand on mine.
“What’s up, babe?”
“I have so much to fucking do when we finally log back into HD. I feel a bit overwhelmed, if I’m being honest.”
“Support or solutions?”
“Huh?”
“Do you want me to support you in feeling this way, giving you empathy and listening to your concerns? Or do you want my help with coming up with solutions for figuring everything out?”
I thought of a brief moment and then smiled at her.
“Solutions.”
“So… talk it out. Tell me everything you have to do one at a time, and we’ll figure out the best way to handle each.”
“OK. Uh… First thing is I have to deal with this Harrow situation. I don’t know… now that I’m not around her… she gives me major ‘manipulative bitch’ vibes. She also seems to have a complete lack of morals. At least when it comes to killing other people. I don’t know if I want to go through with the whole process of corrupting her if she’s going to be a bad influence on me overall. She really got in my head with the whole power trip thing. And I could tell she had absolutely no problem doing it. She only stopped because I told her to; but she didn’t seem remorseful in the slightest. I don’t know what to do with that.”
“So you’re afraid she would end up being the both literal and metaphorical demon on your shoulder?”
I laughed at the image of a tiny Harrow sitting on my shoulder and then let out a long sigh before nodding to Emily’s question.
“Yeah. All of this isn’t even taking into account the fact that I have to actually fight the Nymphette Queen to even get Harrow on my side. From the sounds of things, she is going to be a super difficult opponent, and that’s not even considering the fact that she’ll have the same type of mind fuckery that Harrow does times ten.”
“Just… don’t do it. Just walk away.”
“Huh?”
“OK, instead of thinking about what you have to do with it, think about what you’re actually getting out of it and whether or not it’s worth it to continue or just walk away.”
I pursed my lips as I considered what she said and drummed my finger on the side of my nose as I made a mental list of all the pros and cons.
What was I getting out of this, truly? Harrow’s loyalty and more importantly the loyalty of the other Nymphette demons wasn’t as much of a boon as I had initially thought. Since they were all bound to the trees they were in, beyond the scope of their realms… they couldn’t really offer me much in the way of support. And what of Harrow herself? Would she be worth the effort of staving off her manipulations and having to fight her queen? While she was powerful within her domain, what could she really offer me outside of that? While she wouldn’t be bound to her tree like the others, how useful of an ally would she really be? The more I considered it, the more I realized that recruiting Harrow wasn’t such a good idea. I sighed through my nose as I looked over to Em.
“Figure it out?”
“Yeah… I think Imma bail on the whole Harrow thing. She’s not worth all the trouble it would take to recruit her. I’m sure she’d be a powerful ally, and her mind fuck stuff would be awesome, but we just recruited Tessa, so I feel like Harrow wouldn’t be as great of an addition as I initially thought.”
“How are you gonna handle that whole thing? She’s likely not gonna take that well when you tell her.”
“Imma say it like this: Harrow... I'm sorry for making a commitment that I will not be able to follow through with. I have weighed my options and right now it isn't in my best interest or that of my clan to fight your queen or even continue any efforts to recruit you. I would like to leave peacefully, without having to resort to any sort of violence, out of respect for the amazing sex we had together, but I won't hesitate to burn everything around me to ash should you put up a fight."
“Yeah… it’s direct and to the point. Hopefully she doesn’t go all psycho and try something. I know you mentioned she’s a much lower level than you, but as Gehenna and now you have said multiple times, levels count for very little. Especially ‘cause you’re gonna be in her domain. But… enough about her. What’s next on your list, my love?”
I opened my mouth to speak but my brain stalled out like an old car.
“Uh… one sec, lemme look back at the list my author wrote for me and we can go from there.”
“Sure thing, babe.”
Insert pregnant pause here so it looks like I’m actually doing something.
“Alright, it looks like the next thing is doing more recruiting like I did with Xerez, Shadow, and Tessa. Right now I’m thinking I need to–”
“Nope. You’re not going to handle that, you’re going to assign that task to someone else who you think will do the best job.”
“But I need to–”
“No, Allison, you don’t. You don’t need to do everything. Delegate, sweetheart. That’s part of being a leader.”
I opened my mouth to object, but the serious look on her face forced me to reconsider. I thought for a moment about who would be the most suited for the task, and I let out a small chuckle as two people immediately came to mind.
“Bray. And Ikelos. They both have an outgoing personality that is perfect for getting people interested. Not only that, but they both look drastically demonic enough to attract enough attention. Despite him never seeming to be serious in any situation, Ikelos is a tremendous judge of character. I have no doubt he’s the primary reason Tiffany felt safe enough to be who she was meant to be. And I don’t know of a single person who has a bigger heart than Bray.”
Emily nodded and gave me a quick smile.
“I agree with both of your choices completely. I would highly suggest sending Jade and Tifa along with them to keep their… antics… in check.”
“That sounds perfect. I’m gonna message the four of them the same thing. I’m gonna read it out loud as I type it.”
I quickly pulled up our group chat on my phone and began to type out the message.
“Ikelos, Bray, Jade, and Tifa, when you log in today, I want the four of you to head towards the nearest city to do some recruiting. I’m leaving it up to your discretion with how you want to handle it, but Jade will have the final decision if there’s any disagreement. Remember we’re looking for good players, not necessarily strong characters. I look forward to seeing you all later tonight in game and meeting all the new people you guys find. And I’m signing it… Allexus, Empress of Snark and Sarcasm.”
“Sounds perfect. Especially the part where you put Jade in charge. Mmk. What’s next?”
“Finishing the setup for the tournament. And coming up with a fucking name for the damn thing.”
“Nope. Aeryn, Hana, Areandra, and Scythe are working on that. Including the name. Next?”
She gave me a look like I was going to object, but smiled when I lifted my hands in a ‘I surrender’ gesture and gave her a nod.
“Dealing with the angel kill squads and figuring out how to prepare for whatever they decide to throw at us next, and how to prevent another ambush. And before you say it… I’ve already realized that Gehenna, Judas, and Tesrif would be the ideal people to deal with it. They know the politics of their world and they each have their own insights with the best way to tackle the various challenges we might face. That actually goes hand-in-hand with the task of finding protection for the castle for when the majority of us aren’t online. The demon soldiers were a great, yet totally underutilized resource. That was a major error on my part, so I know we need to do better. Hmmm… following that train of thought… It might be best to have Kyra work with them so she can offer her own expertise on equipment, castle upgrades, and other stuff that she can craft.”
Emily let out a happy sigh as she grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
“You’re getting the idea now. You don’t have to do everything, be everywhere, and handle all the problems yourself, Allison. You’re surrounded by people who love you and want nothing more than to help you, and would even go out of their way to do so. You did great by delegating the recruiting task to me and making me the officer, but then you went back to your ‘all-or-nothing’ way of thinking.”
“That’s kinda one of the main ‘perks’ of ADHD.”
She nodded and gave me a quick glance.
“I know. I did a bunch of reading on ADHD. While I was in class, actually. I spent the whole hour reading everything I could find about it and then read a bunch more after I got out of class. It’s… a lot.”
I cocked an eyebrow but otherwise remained silent. I knew that mental health issues were a major trigger for some people, so I wanted to hear what she had to say before I responded.
“Not in a bad way. More… I’ve always viewed things like ADHD and Autism like illnesses that needed to be treated for them to go away. I thought people took meds as a sort of ‘cure.’ But… it’s a lot more like running a different operating system on a computer. It’s not any better or worse, it’s just… different. The only thing that makes it hard is that our society pushes you to be what they deem to be ‘normal.’ Reading that made me feel really sad since it must have been so difficult for you… or any one with… neurodivergence? Is that what it’s called?”
“Yes.”
“Well, it must have been so much harder for you to do things since everyone is expecting you to fit in and conform to whatever standards they set.”
I shrugged and sighed heavily.
“I mean… for me particularly? No, not really. I was a rich white girl who grew up and lived in a fucking huge house with a mother who was a therapist. I had it pretty good, if I’m being honest. I mean… sure, I got super bored in highschool and maintained a C average because the rewards for doing better never seemed to outweigh my need to chase my next dopamine hit. I cared more about playing video games with my dad and my friends, or playing various trading card games. Yes, including Pokémon. I’m a bigger nerd with that stuff than you are, honestly. But my parents learned to help me sort through what was a hyperfocus and what was something I was truly passionate about. It took quite a few years to develop that skill… and I still haven't mastered it.”
I paused for a moment and let out a small laugh as I realized something.
“I find it hilarious and not ironic in the slightest we got completely derailed by the topic of ADHD.”
Emily smiled broadly and stuck her tongue out at me.
“Indeed. I apologize.”
“So… the last things on my list are stuff I am 100% sure I have to be involved with. The first being figuring out what the fuck I’m going to do about the Empress thing and preparing myself to eventually succeed Gehenna.”
As we pulled into the dorm parking lot, Emily parked in one of the open spots and turned off the car. Instead of moving to get out, however, she unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned back in her seat before glancing over at me.
“That’s a big one. I can definitely understand your trepidation with the whole thing. But then I see you just… be you, and then I know Gehenna is making the correct choice.”
“But I know fuck-all when it comes to leading people! How in every fuck am I going to be an Empress of thousands of demons who would just as soon as rip my head off given the opportunity?! I have trouble managing less than twenty people… and that’s a far cry from what I’ll have to do as Empress. I don’t know what you mean by me just being me… but most of the time I hardly feel qualified to lead our clan, let alone even dream of doing something like ruling a whole goddamn empire! And that’s a huge fucking commitment for something that is supposed to be a game…”
“You say all of that like you don’t want to do it. But I’ve seen the way you handle leadership when the shit hits the fan. I’ve seen your natural magnetic charisma that draws people in and never lets go. How do you think I fell in love with you so quickly, babe? You are a fucking force, and while, yes, I can understand your concerns with the commitment aspect, don’t even try to tell me you don’t love the idea of being the best. It’s… your whole fucking deal. You don’t get to be the number one player in the number one clan by being a fucking pushover. You are Allexus, slayer of hundreds of archangels, layer of the Empress of Hell, and sayer of some of the most hilarious shit I’ve ever heard.”
She smirked at me as I chuckled at her silly rhyme and then gave me a serious look.
“I think you should do it. Even knowing that it means committing yourself to this game for the foreseeable future, I think it is a natural progression of your evolution as Allexus and everything that you strive for as a gamer. It’s a huge jump from Clan Leader to Empress, but I have no doubt you’re perfect for the job. And you don’t have to do it alone, babe. Gehenna, Nialla, Hana, and I… and the rest of your clan will be with you every step of the way.”
I smiled so hard it hurt my face. I was so in love with the woman sitting across from me, and I thanked whatever force in the universe that had put us together. I ran through everything that she had said… and then let out a long, heavy sigh.
“There’s one aspect that I’m really afraid of. It’s the biggest reason I don’t want to recruit Harrow.”
“Your lust for power?”
“Yeah. As me, I can easily see the challenges I’ll have to face and approach it from a more realistic standpoint. But as Allexus… babe… I know she’s me… but there’s a side of her that… brings out my darker impulses.”
“You mean like when we all got captured, when Scythe killed Nialla, or when you went berzerk on Gehenna’s daughter?”
I nodded slowly.
“Yes. But there’s more to it than that. Whenever I’m her, the game actively suppresses any emotion that would make me seem weak. It drives me towards being the strongest and best in ways that feel… amazing. Like… Allexus gets off on having authority over other people. While yes, that can be fun in bed, it also makes me feel… odd when it comes to being in control in every aspect. The worst part of that though, is that while its happening I fucking love it. It is intoxicating. It makes me, as her, horny as fuck. All of that… it… makes me afraid that I won’t be able to temper Allexus’s darker impulses with the rational human side that makes me… me.”
“You know there’s a solution, right?”
I gave her a puzzled expression and cocked my head to the side. She grinned at the gesture and pointed to her chest, just above her breasts.
“Me. I have always been able to pull you back from the brink. I’ve always been the one to draw Allie out of Allexus. And I’m not going anywhere, babe. Ever. You’re stuck with me forever.”
Instead of replying, I leaned forward and pressed my lips against hers. She reached up with her hands to pull me into her and we both lost ourselves in the kiss. Everything seemed to fade to the background as I just let my love for this amazing woman flow into her through our intimate embrace. After a few moments, we parted and both panted heavily as we leaned back into our seats. I let out a long, slow contented sigh and gently grabbed Emily’s hand.
“Thanks, Em. You’re right. You complete me in a way that even Allexus’s darkest impulse can’t overcome. Fuck… you’re goddamn perfect, Emily.”
“As are you, my love.”
Before we could steam up the windows any further with another make-out session, Emily motioned with her head towards the dorms and reached up to grab the handle on her door. I nodded and we both got out. We walked in slowly, hand-in-hand, and in that moment, nothing else in the entire world mattered except the two of us.