Chaos

"Christian!"

Mom shouted, quickly following me.

I didn't want to yell at Mom, I didn't want to make her sad.

I didn't want to see her pained face.

I didn't want to make her suffer...

Then...

Why did I say such hurtful things to her?

A few minutes ago I was laughing happily...

Whereas now I feel like the world is going to end at any moment.

I know I'm behaving like a child, but...

I can't help it, the rage I feel inside me blinds me.

My whole body feels exalted, somehow I feel my muscles trembling constantly. My mind quickly turns into a big chaos, thoughts, memories, words, experiences, all kinds of painful memories start to torment my sanity, constantly replaying to me everything I wish I could forget.

Why can't mom understand that I can't talk to them?

Does she think it's so easy to put up with this shit every day?

I ran towards the park up ahead, trying to outrun mom, I needed to think, I needed to calm down, but no matter how fast I wanted to run, mom would catch up with me no problem.

When I got there, I hid in the trees, as I threw myself on the ground and curled up hugging my knees, sobbing quietly.

"Son..."

I heard a broken voice above me, I didn't need to be a genius to know it was mom, but I preferred not to speak or look at her, I just chose to stay quiet.

I don't know what horrible things I could scream at her because of my current confusion, my mind is a mess, all the bad memories I have overwhelm me, replaying the scenes over and over again, not letting me rest from the sadness and anger tearing me apart, while the anger fed more and more inside me.

"Forgive me son... I didn't mean to yell at you..." Mom spoke, in a soft but trembling voice, wrapping her arms around my back to pull me to her chest, then caressed my back "Mom was a fool...it hurts me so much to see you sad, but you don't have to hold back, let it out and let the sadness out of your pretty heart with mom.... I'll always be there for you"

At that moment I simply couldn't hold back anymore, I was crying like a real little girl on her chest, screaming and venting all my frustrations through my tears, while I felt mom squeezing me tighter in her embrace for every minute I cried.

After a few minutes I was able to get my thoughts and memories back together well, but even though the anger and sadness that flooded my being had disappeared, the pain in my chest was still overwhelming.

The knowledge that I took my anger out on the person I love most in this world makes me nauseous.

"You know..."whispered Mom softly, gently stroking my hair "When you were just a few months away from being born I felt so scared... My family had kicked me out of the house when they found out I was pregnant... I felt desperate, I had a man and a daughter to feed, plus another son already on the way, but no home and no job..."

When I first heard Mom talk about her family, I felt rage, a lot of rage, Mom was just a child but she already had to face the world on her own...

Even though I went through something similar, I was lucky enough to only have to support myself, instead mom had to bring up a whole family at only 14 years old.

Just thinking about it pisses me off.

And that bastard?

Couldn't he even work?

A real leech.

"I worked as hard as I could, doing all kinds of jobs my pregnancy would allow me to do... Even though it was hard, I made it, I was able to secure a roof over my head and food to live on... But I still felt desperate... Babies need so many things that I couldn't provide for them..." Mom whispered to me "But I kept going, I worked until my shoulders couldn't take it anymore, I always repeated to myself over and over again, I am a woman and I must face it all... But the despair only increased when there were only a few weeks left until the birth... I didn't feel ready, I didn't feel I could give you a decent life... I was so afraid..."

At this point I was simply brought to tears again, I always knew mom endured many things alone, but knowing something about someone by deductions is very different from that someone telling you personally, even more so if the person relating all their fear is your mother, the woman I love most in this world. The fact that I yelled at a woman who did so much for me makes me want to punch myself right now.

I feel so...

Helpless...

Stupid...

"But when it looked like everything was going to fall apart at any moment.... You were born... You looked so fragile and delicate.... I was even afraid to hold you thinking I might hurt you... But you opened your eyes and held out your little hands to me..." whispered mom, lifting my head with both hands, looking at me with pure love in her eyes, while a big smile formed on her face, but at the same time her eyes were getting redder and redder "When I held you in my arms, I felt a new strength was born in me... The whole world that I thought was only black and white, became full of color... I felt so happy, so alive... That was the day when I promised myself that I would never let anything bad happen to you.... I promised myself that I would never let anything make you cry... I promised myself to take care of you with all my being..."

At this point Mom's smile became more and more pained, as her eyes became completely clouded with tears threatening to spill out.

"But I failed you... I failed to take care of you... You suffered because of me... I... I feel so worthless... I am so useless... Please... F-Forgive me son... Forgive me" cried mom, as bitter tears fell uncontrollably from her eyes, streaming all over my face, making my brain explode again.

Why does it hurt so much?

As an orphan myself, I have suffered many things before I became a professional.

But seeing Mom cry now I feel that even breathing hurts, those tears have even more weight than the tears of a woman in my world.

They are the tears of a defeated man...

They are the tears of my mother...

"M-mother..."

I whisper, caressing Mom's eyes trying to keep the tears from flowing, while my own tears fall wildly

"P-please, Mommy... don't cry... please..."

I whispered, doing my best to keep my voice and speak properly without breaking down in the attempt, pushing all the tears away from mom's face.

I...

I don't know what to do.

I feel overwhelmed and in pain...

The more I see Mom, the more I look into her eyes, the more I feel her tears, the more pain I feel.

I feel the most pain of my two lives in my heart, my breathing becomes choppy and painful, my vision begins to blur even more, as sweat runs down my back, but just when I didn't think anything could be worse, a taste of iron rises in my throat.

This is...

Blood?

Why...?

No...

I can't let my mother see this.

Swallowing quickly all the blood rushing up my throat, I felt weak and sore, but still, worry filled my thoughts, forcing me back to reality.

"I love you mom, you were always the most important person to me and you will always be... I didn't want to tell you those things... I... I have trouble controlling myself mom... I can't control my feelings... But... I love you mom... I love you mom... don't doubt it," I whispered weakly, trying my best not to fall asleep from the weakness that assaulted my body, as I kept looking lovingly at mom, as she just looked at me with her reddened eyes.

I have to do something

I don't want her to cry anymore...

It hurts...

It hurts so much...

"Mom... I was different since I was a kid... I didn't tell you before because I was afraid... But I remember everything in my life, even the moment I was born... I remember when I felt you for the first time, I didn't know anything and just felt instinctive fear... But for some reason I just felt warmth in your direction... I felt your love... I wanted you to take me... I wanted to be with you mom... I don't need big things mom... I just need you... So please don't cry... As long as I'm with me and you won't leave me, you'll never fail me... I love you mom... I love you so much..."

I whispered, as my voice grew weaker with every word I squeezed out, until I couldn't take it anymore and fell asleep in her arms.

it hurts me...

"Sleep my baby..."

Eva whispered, caressing Christian's sleeping face.

Unfortunately, our Christian would never be able to see what happened when he fell asleep. His mother smiled beautifully, as her tears continued to fall from her eyes, a smile he himself had never seen in his two lives, and then kissed him on the forehead to carry him home in her arms.

---

"What are you doing home, shouldn't you be working?"

Asked a high-pitched, irritable voice for a certain boy. If our Christian was awake, he would know instantly that it was the bitch named Brayan, a bitch who was frowning right now as she looked at Eva.

"Where are the kids?"

Eva asked, momentarily ignoring Brayan's question.

"They're in the park across the street..."

"You left them alone!"

Eva exclaimed angrily.

"Relax, it's no big deal..."

"It's no big deal? What if something happens to them? You know these places aren't very good!"

"You don't have to worry, they just wanted to go for a walk, they were overwhelmed in this place, besides I left them in the care of David, the one who lives next door"

"*Sigh* Well..."

Eva replied wearily.

"Now tell me why you're not at work, did you get fired again?".

Brayan asked with concern.

"No, I picked Christian up from school"

Eva replied, still holding the little white-haired boy in her arms.

Eva, arrived home a few minutes ago, but she didn't want to be separated from her little boy and decided to lie down with him next to her, while she looked at the ceiling thinking about everything that had happened today, she still hadn't had time to take off her work uniform.

"But you already brought it, now you can go!"

Brayan snorted impatiently.

"I'm not working today, I asked for the day off"

Eva replied, still staring at the ceiling, while gently stroking Christian's hair.

"You're not going to work!!! You think we have money to spare!!!? We're living in a fucking motel, you can't afford days off!"

Raised his voice Brayan, glaring angrily at the woman on the bed.

"You know... I heard Christian scream and cry for the first time in his life today..." Eva replied, ignoring his earlier comment.

"Did something happen to him?"

Brayan quickly replied, looking at the little boy in Eva's arms with different emotions, emotions Christian wouldn't think he saw, from worry to sadness.

"Yes... a lot..."

Eva whispered, lowering her gaze to look at the bruise on her son's face, before raising it again and staring at Brayan.

"I'm going to stop giving you money, now whatever it takes in the house you let me know and I'll buy it" Eva informed, looking at Brayan with hidden anger in her eyes.

"B-but honey... Why?" stammered Brayan, opening his eyes wide, as if the end of the world was going to come at that moment.

"Is it necessary for me to tell you why?" narrowed Eva's eyes, looking menacingly at Brayan, making him tremble from the pure look "Don't argue anymore, I'm not going to change my mind."

"B-but honey, you know I need to take my meds"

He pleaded, looking at her with reddened eyes, completely aggrieved by the situation.

"Medication, you mean those drugs you hide under the mattress? What were they called!? Alprazolam!?" Spoke a little louder mom, looking at him with total fury, but still trying to hold back her voice so as not to wake her son "Or do you mean the cocaine you hide between your clothes!!? Don't give me your victim bullshit, I already said I'm not giving you money for your bullshit!"

"I naively thought that even if you consumed that shit, you wouldn't let it influence you in raising the kids, I had thought that with what you went through in your life, you wouldn't do the same with your kids, but apparently you fell so deep that you don't know the shit you're doing" Eva shook her head, with obvious disappointment in her tone and look.