Dream?
Opening my eyes in panic, I quickly turn my gaze to my hands and for the first time in this place, I cry out sadly "No, Mom, don't leave me!"
"Calm down my son, Mom is always with you, no matter where you are~"
I whisper the voice, as the hands slowly disappear in the veil of darkness.
"But mom... I want you here...please...don't leave me" I whispered, as tears streamed down my face, watching the hands disappear in front of me.
"Don't cry my child, if you feel lonely... just seek the darkness... Mommy will always be there for you~"
With that last whisper in the air, the hands disappeared into the wall of darkness, as the feeling of loneliness flooded my body.
*Sniff*
I don't know whose voice it was.
I don't know why it gave me so much satisfaction.
I don't even know why I was so quick to agree to call her Mom.
But I feel immense loneliness at the thought of her being gone....
*Sniff*
It's time for you to go on your way...
Wiping the tears from my face, I take one last look into the darkness in front of me.
Turning around, I resolutely continue on my way, passing by countless bodies, finally arriving, after an uncountable amount of time, in front of seemingly natural light.
For some reason, the darkness or the corpses no longer generated fear in me, only anguish knowing that all the bodies were women, while sadness shone on my face as I imagined those women to be mothers or sisters.
Walking towards the light, little by little I realize that I am leaving the cave, finding myself in what seems to be a desert, while a beautiful starry sky could dazzle above me.
The darkness in this desert was very dark, leaving only a little natural light generated by the moon.
But for some unknown reason, I could see everything without problems, but the same violet tint seemed to illuminate everything.
Turning my gaze to all sides in confusion, I find a little further away, a small pile of corpses.
Feeling that this is my destination, I walk quickly towards the place, arriving without problems after a few seconds, finding on the other side of the mountain a view that froze me again.
At the foot of the mountain of corpses was...
Me.
Not me of now, but a more grown-up me, I can't get an age estimate. My face was bathed in blood, my hair was down to my shoulders, but it was all dyed crimson, I couldn't see my clothes, my skin, nothing, everything was a crimson red, as blood dripped onto the sand.
But without a doubt it was me, those eyes that now looked up to the sky were mine, although the color is a deep, dark violet, I have no doubt that those eyes are mine.
I-I...
Did I do this?
Looking at the pile of corpses in front of me, remembering the large number of corpses in my path, a feeling of disgust and remorse flooded my body.
"W-why?"
Gathering all my thoughts and emotions, I manage to squeeze out a single word, looking at my larger self with disgust.
"W-why...? Yes... I wonder why" Without even turning to me, my other self whispers in a daze, then turning his gaze back to the corpses "How did it come to this...?"
*Thud*
Collapsing to his knees, adult Christian looked up at the sky again "It's beautiful... isn't it?"
Frowning at his attitude, he looked up at the sky, finding nothing in particular "What is it?"
"The darkness... it's so... comforting" I whisper my adult self in a daze, staring up at the sky "The stars can be so... annoying... one wants to appreciate the darkness, but the stars are there... polluting everything"
This jerk?
Just evaded my question?
"You disgust me" I spoke with revulsion, as I pointed towards the corpses "These women... haven't you thought it might be mom? Ashley? Hailie? These women could be mothers, aunts, sisters...and you...you just killed them?"
"There isn't a second I don't think about that..." I murmur my adult self with melancholy and sadness "But I have to live with it..."
Hearing his words, a fury was starting to boil inside me "That's it? Doing it and having to live with it? That's your pitiful excuse? That thought alone is worth our mother? That alone is worth our sisters?"
"Mom... Ashley... Hailie..." I whisper my adult self "I haven't seen them for a long time... I guess it won't be long until we meet again..."
Frowning at her words, I quickly ask "What are you talking about?"
Ignoring my question, my adult self turned her gaze back to me, as a pained expression showed on her face "I'm so cold...so cold...I miss the warmth so much..."
Finishing his short words, my adult self suddenly raised his trembling hand, with what seems to be a gun and pointed it at me.
"Your time to grow up will come... enjoy the warmth while you can"
With those last words, my adult self let a small tear fall from his right eye, leaving a clean mark among the blood on his face, as I watched in slow motion as he pulled the trigger towards me.
But as he pulled the trigger, I could appreciate that he was trying to tell me something with his lips, something I managed to understand thanks to my memory and the times I saw people talk.
'Don't trust anyone'
*Bang*
"...!!!"
Closing my eyes at the impending gunshot in my body, I quickly process everything I saw myself.
Enjoy the warmth while you can...
Trust no one...
What is he talking about?
What did he say?
Mn?
And the impact?
Touching my whole body with confusion, I realize that I have no wound, at least on my chest, nor do I feel the blood that should come out of the wound, let alone the blood that stayed on my body when I fell to the ground.
With even more confusion, I open my eyes, finding myself in a blinding glare.
Getting used to the light, I realize that I am no longer in the desert or in the cave, in front of me was no longer that gloomy place, much less was I standing, I was lying on what seems to be a stretcher, while the sound of machines reached my senses.
*Beep* *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* *Beep*
Turning my gaze all around, I quickly come to the conclusion of where I am.
A hospital.
Sigh
Collapsing onto the gurney, I stare dazedly up at the ceiling, remembering over and over what happened.
"What was that..." I mutter with a frown, as I try to bring my hands up to my face as I remember the dark hands.
Ugh
But a sharp pain assaulted my mind, causing me to lower my gaze to my body, finding something startling.
Both my arms were in casts, even my right leg was in the same state. A small but long transparent tube was connected to my left arm, passing directly through a hole in that area of the cast.
What the fuck?
Frowning, I tried my best and tried to draw a logical conclusion from my condition.
The last thing I did was hit that guy, even though I lost control, I remember everything perfectly.
I felt incredibly strong, most likely the adrenaline hit me, leaving me in a momentary frenzied state.
But why are my limbs in casts?
Maybe I used more force than my muscles could handle, tearing some in the process, but I don't see why the cast is on.
It could be...
It would be logically impossible, but...
Since when did this body act logically?
Most likely my body has denied the natural limit we have as human beings when using our strength.
A limit that helps to keep the body healthy daily.
Most likely I used all my muscular capacity in this body, causing my bones to not support and collapse, fracturing or breaking in the process.
I feel residual pain in my shoulders, and not seeing them with something to support or immobilize them, makes me think that I most likely dislocated them and later accommodated them, bringing more credibility to my previous theory.
That's the only logical theory of my state, maybe that's why I end up fainting, my body can't take it anymore.
"This shit will cost a fortune" I whispered faintly, as I looked dazedly at my surroundings.
I was in a fairly common room, I couldn't see if there were more people with me because of the curtains around me, but I could hear the beeps of other machines around me, giving me to understand that I'm not alone in this room.
From the amount of light in the room, I can tell that it is still daylight and apparently still quite early.
In these moments of solitude, many old memories float through my mind, depressing memories, but they are memories that formed my former character.
At the same time, I remember the people who gave me a new life, people who transformed my old memories into nothing but a bitter past.
"Mom... Hailie... Alan... Ashley"
I carefully remember the faces of my family, their voices, their smells, their smiles, everything about them, causing a small smile to form on my lips.
Knowing that someone is waiting for you at home is the most rewarding feeling there is.
In my old life, I made it to the hospital on 2 occasions, both times when I passed out from a fever. But being on this gurney was a pretty uncomfortable feeling, knowing that no one will miss you, even if you disappear is not a good feeling, let alone knowing that you would arrive at a place where no one is waiting for you or wants you.
But now...
If I came home, Mom would hug me and comfort me, Ashley would spoil me and give me attention, Hailie and Alan would laugh and play with me.
I am no longer alone.
I no longer have to come to an orphanage where I would feel only cold, let alone a mansion where I would have only silence and loneliness.
"Now I am loved" I whispered softly, as my smile expanded on my face.
What does money matter.
What does comfort matter.
As long as I have this affection, anything is possible.
Many people may not understand, many people prefer money, first and foremost, but me?
I wouldn't think twice about my decision.
In my previous life I could bathe in money, but no matter how much I had, nothing would give me the warmth I was looking for, the warmth I enjoy today.
"The warmth we sought to give and receive..." I murmured, remembering the strange moment I experienced inside my mind with John and Christian child, at the same time, remembering my adult self "The warmth my adult self said to miss..."
John and Christian.
Two opposite personalities, but with a similar goal.
Now that I have what we want-
What I want...
I'll be sure to take care of it with all my might.
I don't know why my adult self lost this warmth, but I can't overlook his words, even if his existence is nothing more than an illusion of my agony or something similar.
It doesn't matter if the one trying to take this happiness away from me is that bastard Brayan or the damn president.
I will do my best not to lose what I have achieved.
Since I came to this world I have made many mistakes, most of them because I let myself be carried away by my feelings or emotions.
I didn't understand why let alone how to deal with them.
But now I understand where they come from, they are simply my two personalities coming into conflict.
The problem is that these fits of rage or lust can cost me dearly.
But that's okay...
You learn from mistakes.
Those mistakes can be fixed.
I just have to recognize them and make an effort to fix them.
If my current problems are overflowing feelings...
I should start by trying to fix that problem.
But...
What should I do?
Should I stop showing emotions?
Should I act cautiously from now on?
Should I be more silent to avoid screwing up?
All those solutions are something very difficult to do, it's not something I can do overnight, I would need very precise facial control, and I would need a very deep control over my emotions.
It would be much more complicated with my current feelings, which are like a tsunami, whereas the feelings in my other life were no different than a splash.
Feelings are not something I can control, they just manifest themselves in unpredictable ways, no matter how smart I am.
Unless...
No, that would be a stupid idea.
If I can control my whole body as I experienced at the time, I could turn off my amygdalae and hippocampus, taking away almost all irrational feelings.
Happiness, sadness, anger, etc.
It would all disappear.
I would have only rational thought and no feelings at all.
But...
Is that really what I want?
Just the thought of acting that way makes me nauseous.
Do I really want to live with that caution all my life?
To live being repressed by myself?
What's the point?
I wouldn't be able to enjoy what I want to protect.