Chapter 223

"Lilith, can I ask you for a favor?"

I turned to see Torien looking a bit bashful after having come up to me. Not surprising since she was asking for a favor, something she hasn't ever asked for before. Today was a free day. We were just waiting for the riot to start so that we could leave town. Since we've already done all of our preparations, we were mostly just taking the day to rest and practice various things. I've spent most of the morning reading through my book of ritual circles and trying to come up with ideas for new things to try out. Everyone else was left to their own devices.

I closed the book and set it down next to me. "Sure, Torien. What do you need?"

She glanced away and awkwardly scratched the back of her head. "Well, I want to talk to Silva about... everything. I was hoping you would act as a mediator. I've kind of wanted to keep my relationship with her mostly private until now but... I really think you could help keep us on track when we talk about everything that's happened since the night my collar fell off."

I stood up and grabbed my book. "Sure, let me just put this away first. Where are we going to talk?"

"I suppose the room Silva has been staying in might be best. I don't really want to have this conversation out in the open."

"No problem, are we starting right now? Who all will be joining us?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yeah. Just you, me, my sister, and Silva."

"Alright, I'll be there in a moment."

I quickly put my book back into my chest and headed up to the room. By the time I got there the twins and Silva were already sitting down facing each other around the small table. I took the last seat that was left for me and looked at the others. Torien and Silva were seated facing each other and Morrigan and I sat between them on either side. The atmosphere was awkward, made worse by how quiet everyone was so far.

"I'll put up a [Zone of Silence] so we won't be disturbed," I told them. The ambient noise around us fell away and it was like the four of us were in a bubble, cut off from the world. It made the quiet tension even stronger.

Silva was frowning and had one hand on the table. Her leg was bouncing a bit, making her look like she had some pent-up nervous energy. Torien was averting her eyes still, looking at a spot on the table, seemingly unable to start the conversation. If I was here to mediate, I probably shouldn't take that active of a role. I'm only here to make sure the two aren't misunderstanding each other and don't get into a fight or something. I can't be the one telling them to kiss and make up, they need to sort out their feelings on their own. Morrigan seemed to be taking a similar stance, probably only here for moral support.

"So," Silva said, breaking the awkward silence. "You wanted to talk with me?"

Torien's ears went back but she looked at Silva and nodded. "Yeah... I'm just not sure... how I feel." She started rubbing her arm. "I was really angry at you when you transformed... after all the conversations we had about it, you never told me that you were planning on doing it so suddenly..."

Silva sighed. "I've been on the fence about it for a long time actually. I was definitely interested the first time I heard about it, but I had a feeling that it would make things more complicated for me. That suspicion was confirmed when Cecilia was forced to admit to being a spy. I also didn't know the full nature of the transformation at first, not until I watched it happen at the brothel. After watching so many people change, and sometimes into someone quite different, it was hard not to fantasize about what kind of changes you would like to make to yourself. What things you like about yourself, what things you don't. It was a lot to think about."

"Did you hold back just so you could keep lying to us?" I could hear the heat in Torien's voice even though she had tried to tone it down. She was still angry about being lied to but like me, I think she understood that Silva had felt compelled to do it.

Silva shrugged. "I really wasn't sure what to make of Lilith initially. I worked for the Order to kill people but I never cared about their prophecy stuff. I didn't know what to do when it fell into my lap and slapped me in the face. I suddenly had to grapple with the things I knew about it, knew about her, and decide how much allegiance I actually had to the more ideological aspects of the order. So I waited and watched Lilith myself. So that I could decide if the transformation and the road that led down was a good idea for me."

Silva sighed and shook her head. "And there was the other problem. It was one thing to be known as someone who assassinated someone once, a person who had specifically hurt me in the past, and another to be known as an active assassin. I have taken many contracts for the Order over the years and assuming nothing changes, I likely will again... I think that's what hurt most about being around the Morrister girl. She was right to be afraid of me. Not because I was a danger to her, but because I did intend to kill again the next time I ran into someone I thought deserved it. And setting aside the fact that admitting I'm an assassin to the wrong person would put me in a lot of danger, how am I supposed to tell someone that I love that I'm a remorseless killer?"

Torien had a grimace on her face and her hands were balled into fists. "But if you loved me you would have told me the truth. I'm... I've never done this before. I'm not like my sister where crushes came easy, even if she never acted on them. I've never felt this way about anyone else before and now I don't even know who you are. I told you things about myself I don't tell anyone, and you still kept this from me."

"What would you have done if I told you?" Silva asked. Torien stared at her silently. After a few moments Silva continued, "As much freedom as Lilith gave you, you were still her slave. And more loyal to her than most. If I told you that I was an assassin while you were still her slave, would you have been able to stop yourself from telling her?"

"You should have told all of us," Torien said petulantly.

"Maybe so," Silva admitted. "But I didn't know any of you that well yet. Torien, we've known each other for less than a month. I know it feels like a long time after everything we've been through already, but how am I supposed to keep myself safe if I tell everyone such a dangerous secret?"

Torien frowned and looked down at the table again with her ears back. The four of us just sat there in silence for a while.

Silva sighed and scratched the back of her head. "For what it's worth, I am sorry I lied to all of you, you especially Torien. It took me a while to build up trust in all of you but I can't be like Lilith who blurts out her secrets to everyone."

I frowned at that but... it was true that I had trouble wanting to keep secrets at all. In a way, most of my friends being slaves made it easier to tell them everything, less risk if I could order them to keep my secrets.

Torien was still silent. She was still staring at the table and all of the anger and frustration she had seemed to be gone now, replaced with tears. Morrigan reached over and squeezed her hand. Torien sniffled and wiped the tears away.

Torien glanced at me briefly before looking back down at the table. "I don't... even know why I'm so upset. I know why you couldn't tell us any of that stuff but... it still hurts."

"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you Torien? I admit I didn't think you, and to a lesser extent Lilith, would feel so betrayed by all of this. I did withhold things from all of you but initially, I wasn't sure if it was actually relevant. Later on I was intending to talk about it, I just wasn't ready yet. Being in position to kill the King forced my hand though, I couldn't let the opportunity pass. Not with what it meant for you, Lorriene, and for all the Pantharians."

"Even though it put all of us in danger?" Torien's hands clenched into fists again but her words weren't laced with the same heat that they were earlier. They had gone flat.

"...I thought it was worth the risk," Silva said simply.

Torien sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "I'm... I'm not ready to be your lover again yet... but we could start again as friends. At least for now. I don't want to push you away but I need some time... time to sort out my feelings. I'm sorry."

Silva frowned. "I understand. I truly hope we can get back to that place again."

After a moment Torien stood up and dragged Morrigan with her. "Thanks for talking it out with me... thank you Lilith for being here..."

I gave her a weak smile. "I don't feel like I did much, but no problem."

The twins left the room leaving me sitting next to Silva at the table.

"You didn't leave with them," Silva pointed out.

"I wanted to see if there was anything you wanted to talk about with me. I bet this situation was pretty hard on you, so I wanted to give you someone to lean on too."

Silva raised an eyebrow. "Even though I lied to you?"

I shrugged. "I understand why you lied to me and I already told you that it did damage the trust between us, but I still do want to be your friend. Right now my friend looks like they need someone to talk to about all of this. So, I'm here for you."

"...Thanks, Lilith," she replied before slumping in her chair.

"Do you wanna talk about any of that?" I asked.

Silva leaned back with a thoughtful look on her face. "I'm... not really sure what I could have done differently. I don't feel like it was a good idea to reveal myself any earlier than I did... and I probably would have kept the secret a bit longer if I hadn't had the opportunity to kill the King."

I shrugged. "I guess you can call that an occupational hazard, I don't know what you could have done differently either. What about working with the Order on this upcoming mission?"

She tapped on the table. "Well... maybe the time was about right anyway... I don't know," Silva sighed. "Running into Lorriene at the inn threw me off massively, to be honest. Running into your ex-lover and finding out that she was related to your girlfriend at the same time," she said with a sardonic chuckle. "I could use a drink..."

"Should I request some alcohol for dinner tonight from the elves?"

She gave me a grin. "I'd like that if they would be willing."

"I'll talk with Cecilia about it. I want to avoid any big cultural taboos and I don't know as much as I would like about the elves."

"Maybe we should go to the Northern Greens sometime. I heard it's beautiful there. They have large cities built into their giant partially hollow trees, the hanging city towers over the forest floor with huge bridges spanning the gaps," she told me.

I chuckled. "Sounds a little cliché. That may be one of the most common tropes about elves where I come from."

"Is it? Well, it's a product of their powerful nature magic. So if the elves from your stories share that aspect in common, then why wouldn't they use their magic to build their homes into the giant living trees of their home forest?" she asked.

"True enough," I admitted. "It's just a bit odd to me that so many things seem to line up with my stories so closely."

"Perhaps the elves have an ancient ancestor like you. Someone who knew and loved the elves from their stories and pushed her origin race to follow in their footsteps."

"Maybe," I conceded.

"...Do you think Torien will come around and forgive me?" Silva asked out of the blue.

I leaned back and thought about it. "I think so... I think the relationship she had with you was really important to her. I think that's why the idea of being lied to hit her so hard. But if it's important to her, and she's not willing to just give up on it, then I think it's only a matter of time before she forgives you. But I don't know if that means you'll get to become her lover again. Either way, I think you might need to be more honest with her from here on out though."

"...I hope so. Thank you, Lilith."