Chapter 56

The first thing I did after getting back home was putting my phone to charge. In the meantime, I went to the bathroom.

"I'm lucky Greg and Annie aren't here."

My clothes were clean, unlike my body and face. I had some dried blood on my face, and my body was still wrapped in gauze. Tearing all of it away as I washed my face, I decided to take a quick bath. After washing down the remains of medicaments from my body, I laid down in the bath.

"How much I needed it." I felt my muscles loosen as I lied in warm water. Looking at my body through the water, I didn't see any bruises, nor did I see hematomas. As I touched myself here and there, I didn't feel any pain. I was perfectly healthy.

"This body is out of this world."

"Out of this world..."

I needed to reevaluate myself, my situation, my dream…

"Brlllgh." putting my head under the water, I exhaled.

"Puah, Enough of this. Mara was right. I panicked too much. I didn't look at anything with my vision unclouded." I stood up and proceeded to wipe my body.

"Huuu…" Carefully putting the used gauze away in a trash bag, I went to my room and laid on the bed.

I felt like I needed to stop for a moment. My life was peaceful and moderately paced. Nevertheless, I needed to stop. Getting my thoughts together, I thought about everything that happened and felt like I was replaced by someone else. Thinking of all the stuff I didn't do, I couldn't help but sigh.

I relaxed too much, slacked off, thinking Jessie will save me and help me wherever I was in trouble. And every time a critical situation happened, I freaked out.

Was I even seeing her as a person? Now that I think about it. I was afraid. Afraid that she could throw me away if I asked too much.

When I thought about whom I should ask for help, I didn't ask her. But it wasn't due to guilt. It was due to my fear.

My new parents… Was there even a moment I saw them in a different light other than someone who provides a roof over my head? I wasn't so sure anymore. Thinking of how I wanted to befriend them, I felt like I was instead getting farther.

And Jet, I haven't even asked him if he and Elle… I simply choose to take this for granted.

Having prejudice against Mara, breaking away from Joanne, trying to minimize my connections with Rose, getting entangled with Violetta. Now that I think about all of it, I should've done so many things differently.

I just didn't have the resolve… Joanne, perhaps she needed my help. And whatever Jet did, he didn't deserve to get beaten up. At least not because of my actions…

As I thought about Reid, I felt my emotions flaring up. But I managed to suppress these. That's right! I tried to dump the responsibility for my misfortunes onto this world, onto Reid shenanigans. But how much of it was their fault, and how much of it was mine?

"AAAAAA! Why it's so hard to think about all of this!!!" I sat up and ruffled my wet hair.

"And what should I do? Simply letting Mara decide everything on her own won't lead me to anything good. I was lucky that she made  me face this problem, but this doesn't mean she won't betray me in the future."

I saw my notebook lying at a distance. I remember writing all the stuff about the game, some news, and the differences of the worlds. But I almost forgot about it. I started flicking over page after page as I read what I've written. I still thought of this reality as a game world when I wrote this.

Looking at everything now, when so much time passed, I felt as if it was written by someone else's hand. The things I saw were completely different from what I expected.

The rough outline of that 'wondrous' game was like that. The mc get himself into the fighting school, which was actually more of a college or university.

From there, he had a couple of romanceable heroines. He needed to learn how to fight to hold his grounds against the main villain of the beginning part of the game. The climax should've been at the end of the first year. But it wasn't the end of the game. Merely the end of the first antagonist. Later on, you will get into international strifes. And in the end, you will take part in the biggest fighting tournament of the earth's history. Winning it, you will clear the game.

It was, of course, only one of many endings and the most basic way to clear the game. There were a lot of differences.

But most importantly, there were a lot of hints and small tips. Yet looking at everything I had written, there was nothing worthy of using.

There were names of a bunch of characters from the game. Their habits, and the lists of what they like and dislike. Even if it was more full, and my memory didn't fail me as I wrote it, it was still useless.

There were descriptions of some game events, hidden dangers, and how to win against certain enemies. What I should evade doing, and what I should do as fast as I can.

"Where's Mara? Where's Jessie? Violetta? The underground fighting thingy?"

I flipped more of the pages, but it was useless. Useless, until the moment I got to the place where I wrote about this world.

My new reality.

Reading those notes along with my remarks and comments, I felt stupid. I was overreacting to every tiny difference and thought that this or that didn't make any difference.

"The most influential companies of the world didn't change that much, but they had a lot of new additions." reading it out aloud, I shook my head. What's wrong with this?

"Or this one, celebrities I never heard of appeared."

I felt like I was overreacting.

It was before I noticed one of my last remarks. About Wagria, my current home country. There was no country like this before, and the sudden appearance of this country was okay. It was a game, after all.

What wasn't okay though that it was squeezed into Europe without taking territories of other countries. It was a magical land increment, just to put this country in.

"It isn't normal?" I tried to think about it. But it was a different world, a different reality. Isn't it to be expected?

I tried to think about this from a different angle but couldn't wrap my head around it. Flipping over the remaining pages my notes finally ended. The rest of the notebook was clean pages.

Looking back at my last sentence, I read it aloud.

"I'm gradually getting used to this situation, and as I do so, my memories of my past get hazier."

Putting the notebook down, I looked in the window. I got a pack of strong cigarettes that I bought on my way here. Opening the window slightly, I lit up a cigarette and took a long drag.

"Getting used to…" I was indeed getting used to a lot of stuff. I freaked out at something but only at first. Later I will think of this like it was intended from the beginning.

But was it really like that?

Before I started brooding over, I decided to rip and throw those notes. What's the reason for this if it's all wrong? What's worse, if someone finds these notes, he will think of me as a psycho.

Ripping out the pages, I tore them down even more. Finding my lighter from who knows where and getting a tub full of cold water, I carefully burned everything. I felt like I was burning up my past life. It was bittersweet.

"It's in the past now. No need to think about this. There is no way to return to the life I lived once before, right?" I decided to live with a mindset like that from now on.

Doing everything took me almost an hour, and I felt my stomach rumble. Going to the kitchen, I saw a couple of dishes Annie prepared for me. They were spoiled. No wonder. I was out for so long after all.

Taking out all the food that gone bad and cleaning up the fridge from anything that smelled bad, I took out a few cans of sweet alcoholic beverages that I bought on my way, along with the cigarettes. As I was making something to eat, I downed one can. After everything was ready, I downed the second and the last can while eating my meal. Satiating my hunger, I threw the cans away in the trash bag and went back to my room.

I tried to not think about my past, but the images I once saw so clearly, the things I could've touched and felt by myself. They came back in waves. Some of them already started decaying as it was harder for me to remember certain things.

Looking outside of the window, I saw snow falling. Meting upon the touch with the ground.

I felt the depth of my nose burning up slightly as my eyes watered down. Leaning against the windowsill, I let myself become emotional one last time.

I thought of a distant past. And I thought of my dream…

Was it true that I wanted to be free? Or was it something I made up myself in the spur of the moment? What was being 'free' to me?

"I want the ultimate freedom," I muttered the exact same words I said to myself when I was a young child.

Being a child, I didn't understand what these words held behind the seemingly cool front.

"If you are truly free, no one will take responsibility for you. Being free isn't about the ability to do whatever you want, but being able to not depend on anyone."

These exact words my mom said to me as I've shared this dream with her, still being a kid.

"Pursuing the ultimate freedom, you will inevitably become bigger than the world. It will try to stop you. And try to make you depend on it."

This was the second lesson I've got after growing up more.

"The so-called freedom you search, it is more of a feeling you are trying to grasp. You can play with words however you want but in the end, what you feel with your heart is what will guide you on your path to the said dream."

Growing up, even more, my father told me this.

"It's great having a dream so grand and majestic, but in the end, it's but a dream of a small child. You will forget it soon enough."

Those words were addressed to me in the heat of my youthful exuberance.

I felt overflowing with energy and vigor. I thought the world won't have enough power to stop me. But day after day, week after week, months passed, and I was getting lazier. My energy started leaving me slowly as my life entered a never-ending circle. I was going after the goals I never understood. Trying to answer the kindness my parents showed me as they brought me up in this world.

The world became blander with every day I lived by.

And my dream gradually was forgotten. Just like the carefree days, I spent as a child.

The past was much more distant than I thought. Although the gaps in my memories grew, I tried to remember everything as well as I can.

"It's was for the best." Thinking about this from a different angle, I thought like this.

"I should gather myself." With the last glance towards the distant grey sky, I started up my old pc. "I should look into the future. Not the past."

Booting it up, I took my phone that was already charged up enough to start.

"I can't let myself be the plaything. And I will be damned if I let myself be the plaything of others willingly."

Looking around my room, I felt the emptiness in my heart... And it was being filled with something.

"I will become bigger than this world." I looked at my arms. My left hand was still clenching the phone. I clenched my right hand a few times, and I felt my heart beating rhythmically.

"I want this. I want to turn my fate around. I want to be somebody."

"No more running away." I felt a complex feeling inside of me, swirling and churning.

"Even if don't change after a single day, I will continue working."

"Fuuuuuh."

I finally felt like I found myself, my goal, and my dream. But most importantly, I now had enough resolve and courage.

As my pc was slowly starting, I looked at the phone in my hand. Pressing the button on the side, I waited a few seconds as it started. Moving my fingers, I was on the home screen.

There was a bunch of missed messages and calls, but I will look into them later.

Opening up my message folder, I looked for the last one I sent. Reading It, It was all jumbled up. Yet I could still make out what was typed. I asked for help.

And the one whom I send this message was just like I thought…

"Violetta."