Ch38: Alone With Her Thoughts

Krvavy’s bone-handled axe rests over her shoulder. That weapon’s crude iron head may have been dragged down by gravity, but it still bumps into the occasional branch. Much like her own head. Or horns, really. The upper pair is quite good at keeping her from bashing her forehead into anything. And the lower pair... well, they provide a bit of protection for her neck, she supposes...

A twig catches on her loincloth, forcing her to stop and unhook that little leafy thing from the one piece of clothing that she is wearing before continuing to move on. Krvavy probably could have just kept on walking and let that twig unhook itself, but... her pouch is stuffed full of things to eat and she doesn’t want to risk spilling them everywhere.

Especially since most of the food on her is the stuff that Beryl made her take. Which turned out to be dried out mince meat mixed with berries, mushrooms, and some nuts all squished together into blocks and individually wrapped up in a waxy cloth. They are kind of weird, but Krvavy can’t really complain considering that she would just be eating mystery meat jerky otherwise.

Besides, those cubes do actually taste pretty good...

A frown finds its way onto the barbarian’s face as her thoughts drift back towards Beryl. Maybe... maybe she should have stuck around a little longer...? Gotten to actually know Beryl, even just a bit, before essentially abandoning her...? Her heart pangs and fills with guilt as she remembers just how tightly that needy Elf clung to her side, not letting go until the very entrance of the cave. How she only got more and more desperate with each step they took. How it looked like she was going to cry at the end... standing alone, surrounded by darkness...

An icy chill fills Krvavy’s mind.

That sorrow, despair, pain... None of it was real. None of it is how that Wood Elf woman truly feels. It is just what the collar has forced on her.

But why does that matter so much to Krvavy?

She just can’t put that thought aside. It keeps popping back into her head. Which only serves to frustrate her. This. Is. Just. A. Game! These are just NPCs! None of those feelings are real, evil magic collar or not!

Lashing out in anger, Krvavy punches the trunk of a nearby tree, losing a couple points of health but also leaving a decent mark in its bark in the process. She feels like an idiot for having done that. Which hurts more than her hand does.

How sad her life is. Not as Krvavy, but her real life as Leanna.

Is she really so starved for affection that a fake person in a fake world who even in context has fake feelings for her can make her feel so... conflicted? She only just met Beryl, but can already see herself falling for the Elf. And if only it was just that tomboy... She is even starting to deeply care about Thea, that annoying and oftentimes vile spoiled brat of a girl, as well as her Orc, who is essentially just a comatose slab of meat!

It just makes her feel so pathetic.

Leanna, Krvavy, whatever she wants to call herself, at the end of the day she is still the same person. The same little girl who doesn’t know how to deal with her feelings, who just bottles it all up and finds some way to isolate herself, either by running away from her problems or just retreating into her mind.

And would you look at that? She is doing both right now.

Part of her regrets picking Krvavy as a name for this character. She should have just typed in Leanna when she had the chance. If she had done that maybe she would be able to delude herself into thinking that this was her actual, real life. And that she isn’t so pathetic.

Krvavy is just a better version of Leanna, in every conceivable way. Krvavy is bigger, stronger, tougher, just healthier in general, much more attractive, she is able to assert herself without having to worry about losing literally everything that she owns, she can do magic, she can do pretty much whatever she wants to do. She is just free.

And what does Leanna have that Krvavy doesn’t? Beyond all the terrible things, of course. Indoor plumbing and internet access. That is it. But even then that isn’t even much. Krvavy has a wonderful hot spring to bathe in, while Leanna is lucky if her shower even has hot water. As for the internet, all Leanna uses it for is to escape from her miserable life.

Sighing out, she slows down to a stop and leans against a tree.

It just doesn’t feel good spending her time as Leanna constantly thinking about how much she wants to go back to being Krvavy. A character who hasn’t even existed for that long. Barely more than a week in game, and far less in real time.

Krvavy has almost everything that Leanna wants. The barbarian has people to talk to, people to spend her time with, people who depend on her. Even though those people are arguably not willing, it is still better than Leanna. Because she has no one.

And to make it all worse, this isn’t even the first time that she has felt this way. Not by a long shot.

This always happens whenever she plays a game that is immersive enough for her to disassociate and where the character she plays has a better life than her. She went into this knowing that. Yet she fell into the same trap again.

So why does it feel worse this time?

Is it just because this is the most realistic and immersive game that she has played by quite a large margin? Not just visually, but in how it feels? And despite it being a fantasy world with magic? Or is Krvavy just so much better than Leanna could ever hope to be?

She hates that she even has to ask herself that.

This game... It is in a sweet spot that makes her feel like shit. If it was more of a power fantasy, then she would recognize it as such. If it had a strict story, or really any story at all, it would feel more like living through a movie. But instead she gets to live a life that is better than her real one. Even as simple and primitive as it is...

And that... that just makes it worse.

It definitely doesn’t help that Krvavy lives in a cave of all places. Envying an almost literal caveman, or cavewoman, doesn’t exactly feel good. If she had a castle, mansion, or even just a nice house it wouldn’t be as bad. But a cave? Sure, her cave is nice, but it is still a fucking cave.

Sharply sighing out, she pushes herself off the tree and continues walking through the woods.

She hates that she is even thinking about all of that. This is a game. It is supposed to be fun, entertaining, and enjoyable. But she is just ruining that with her self loathing.

Part of why she is out here is so that she can sort through her thoughts, so she had better start doing that.

But how?

If this was something she could just snap her fingers and fix... Well, she wouldn’t be struggling with it right now if that was the case.

There really isn’t anything that Leanna can do to stop herself from feeling inadequate compared to just about anything fictional and idealized.

When she felt this way in the past, Leanna had just stopped playing whatever game was making her realize how pathetic her life is. But she can’t do that here. Or, really, she doesn’t want to. As long as she can keep her mind off of this, then she is fine. Besides, she’ll die of boredom on her day off without anything to occupy herself with.

So what else could she do? Disassociate even more? Sure sounds like a healthy thing to do...

Leanna has a depressing life, but she has learned to live with it. No point in dragging down Krvavy’s life with those horrible thoughts. She should just enjoy her escapism here and not ruin it for herself.

Deeply sighing out, Krvavy looks up at the sky between the leafy canopy of the forest. A few clouds lazily trace their way across the blue expanse. The sun is slowly making its way down towards the horizon, though she still has a lot of time until it sets.

She is enjoying playing as Krvavy. She really is. Even just being out here feels great, the slight breeze on her skin and the scent of the woods around her. It’s funny, but Krvavy hardly ever thinks about the fact that she is almost completely naked, with just the flap of her loincloth covering her crotch. Even if she had a body like this as Leanna, she would never have the confidence to strut around as naked as this. Not even when alone and in her own home.

So yeah, she likes being Krvavy. She is more comfortable in this body than her actual one. She might as well accept that. Of course, there will undoubtedly come a time when she gets bored of this. She always does in the end. But that won’t be for a very long time, as even though this game is still in beta there just seems to be so much to do. An entire world to live in and explore...

And hey, she has a selection of video game characters to get unreasonably attached to, so she always has the option to settle down and start a family! That would give herself something happy to look forward to when she comes home after a gruelling day at work. Some century old American Dream shit that’d be. And a real healthy way to cope, she’s sure.

Even though she just thought of that as a joke, a sarcastic one at that, it kind of hurt Krvavy. It felt far too bitter.

So, quickly taking her mind off of all that, Krvavy looks back to what set her off onto this sad self-hating train of thought: Beryl. She isn’t going to worry about the collar anymore though. What is done is done. She can’t change that. Besides, this is a game after all, so the collar is inconsequential. The feelings it gave Beryl are just as real as whatever feelings she would have without it...

And if denial alone isn’t enough... Then... Krvavy will do her best to actually earn that love. She’ll treat Beryl with as much kindness as she can. As if the Elf was an actual person, not just an NPC or her property. She may slip up or struggle – Leanna doesn’t have much experience with being in any sort of positive relationship – but she will do her best to treat that Elf as her equal.

The slight bit of peace and relief that vow brings doesn’t last long. Krvavy still feels terrible for leaving Beryl back home. Maybe even more so now. But... the space should really do that Elf some good. She is kind of like a puppy in a way, and puppies have to get used to not being constantly around their owner.

Krvavy grimaces at that thought. She could have used a less demeaning example there...

It isn’t like the tanned tomboy will do nothing but sit around and mope the entire time she is away.

Quite the opposite, in fact. On their way out of the cave, Beryl mentioned wanting to start a garden down near the grotto lake. And while she was definitely motivated by the need to be ‘useful’ to Krvavy, she did still sound genuinely excited about that idea. Even if that excitement was buried under clingy despair...

Still, that garden sounded like a wonderful idea, so Krvavy supported it fully. Though she didn’t ask just what it was that Beryl wanted to plant. That’ll be a nice surprise. Maybe it’ll be some vegetables, various pretty flowers, or a bunch of useful herbs? It really doesn’t matter. Not as long as Beryl has something to do that she enjoys doing.

Actually, that is a pretty good way to think about it. Krvavy is enjoying her time as Krvavy, and that is all that matters.

She still has those unpleasant feelings and unwelcome thoughts lingering over her head, but... she should be able to handle it.