118 – Royal Banquet (7)

I stored my weapon and sighed. “I was ready to kill you,” I told Urgun.

The woman swallowed and nodded. “I-I understand, Your Excellency,” she stuttered. “My actions could be seen as malicious without context, after all.”

Hanna nodded in agreement.

I took a sip of my drink. “You should talk to Gordon and Josalia about this information network. At least the one present in this country. I can't be everywhere at once... I'm not that powerful of a being, unfortunately.”

The Harpy nodded. “I will do as you advice, Your Excellency. Do I have permission to mention Your Excellency's involvement?”

Lapia gave me a nod.

“Yeah,” I replied. “But I hope you understand that, if you misuse my name... I will kill you.”

Urgun bowed and nodded. “Naturally, Your Excellency. I will not disappoint.”

I sighed. “I'm not trying to be a massive bitch, by the way... just, you know.”

She straightened and nodded again. “I understand, Your Excellency,” she assured.

I looked her in the eye. “We cool?”

Urgun smiled and held back a laugh. “Yes, Your Excellency. We cool.”

Lapia chuckled and shook her head.

I nodded. “Alright. Dismissed.”

The Harpy bowed again and left.

The three of us watched her enter the palace.

“Just like that?” Lapia inquired, turning to me.

I shrugged, looking up at the sky and the two large animals flying over the palace. “Shit's clear. Why stretch it?”

“Maybe,” the Elf sighed.

I took Lapia's face in my hands and kissed her forehead. “How are you feeling?”

She shrugged. “I'm angry,” she muttered with a scowl. “I wanted to hate someone for what happened to me, and Urgun was concrete enough to have a target for it. Now? Not so much.”

I nodded. “I get that.”

“Like,” she choked, and her eyes turned glassy. “It's not fair, Natasha! It really isn't!” She hugged me tightly.

I returned the hug and gently rubbed her back.

“All I did was teach a Halve!” She sobbed into my shoulder. “Why was I tortured? Why did have to fear for my life?”

I brushed her hair in silence, letting her vent.

Lapia cried for a few minutes, cursing her bad luck. After calming down, she wiped her tears and snot with a handkerchief. She then produced a small fabric and cleaned my shoulder.

I assumed it had cleansing enchantments since not even a stain was a left behind on my suit.

My girlfriend sighed and kissed my cheek. “Whatever,” she chuckled. “At least I got to meet you.”

I smiled and took her face in my hands again. “You're wrong,” I chuckled, looking into her eyes and caressing her cheeks. “You're so wrong, Lapia.”

Lapia's eyes widened a little, then her expression turned confused. “What do you mean, Natasha?”

My smile widened. “If there's one thing I have learned about life, is that its price is too high. You say meeting me is an adequate reward to the suffering you went through, and I furiously reject that. There is no reparation appropriate enough for the suffering that is living. Life is pain, Lapia, and there is no being in this universe with the power to... create the harmony, or paradise that would quench the burning indignation we're left with after living. And in the off-chance said being actually exist, I demand them to be placed before me so I may rip their spine through their face. I would defile their corpse in ways I can't even think of right now. The price for harmony is so high, I reject the very idea of harmony itself. No living being lives to see justice... and I mean the actual justice we all deserve, not the pathetic attempt at it we see. That... justice that is thought to exist outside of life is an insult to every living creature's suffering. That distant and ghostly justice, I denounce it. Life is painful enough. We don't need the uncertainty of this ephemeral dream. That flawed promise of what is to come. We already cope enough simply by living. I was slighted not once, but two times by this false harmony. Lapia... everything I am, everything I have, everything I will become, and everything I will have, will never be enough to erase my indignation, not even by a little bit. And if it ever does, that means I stopped being myself. I reject the me that would accept anything less that the erasure of everything that is.” I pinched her cheeks and kissed her lips. “You see, Lapia. The problem is life itself. And well... even without life, suffering still exists. Which makes it even worse. Take it from me, who was there and lived through that. So no, meeting me is not an 'at least'. I won't let you say that again. You should never, ever, forget that resentment inside you. If we forget the price of life, are we truly alive, Lapia?”

The Elf blinked a few times, speechless at the words that came out of my mouth.

I kissed her again and continued. “As much as life is excruciatingly painful, it is also beautiful. The two don't cancel each other out, unfortunately, so no... balance is also a fallacy. You can love something while hating something else, yes? You can also be indifferent to other things, or people. Saying that meeting me is a good thing that came out of suffering makes me angry, Lapia. You're belittling the injustice done to you, and I won't allow that. Not because I denounce the injustice itself, but because you're forgiving it by using me as an excuse. Lapia, you're eighty years old. You're allowed to be angry without needing a concrete target. I don't even know what I'm angry at, to be honest. I don't know what or who rules the cosmos, but I know I hate it. If given the chance, I will kill it. That would be the price it has to pay for the suffering of life. You wanted to hate Urgun, but it turns out she was not really a malicious person. Still, don't exempt the unknown of your hatred. I don't know what a Changeling looks like or what language they speak. I still resent them for trying to kill me and, even if I erase them from the face of Galeia, the anger won't go away. I don't really care about their ideas, no matter how justified they might be to them. I also don't care if I'm insensitive for saying that. Unfortunately, life allows us to care about what we choose to care, no matter how hypocritical it may be. That's just how unfair life is. In the end, who cares, really? The only thing that matters is whether or not you're alive or dead. So yeah, you're wrong, Lapia. We met not as a consequence of your suffering, but as something else. You're allowed to hate. You're even allowed to hate Urgun if you can't hate the unknown.”

Lapia was looking into my eyes with a worried face.

“Make no mistake, Lapia,” I kept going. “Our actions will never amount to true justice. Not the kind we deserve to see while we live. At least I don't think so.”

She opened her lips, but closed them.

“And before you ask,” I chuckled and pinched her cheeks again. “I don't always think about what I just said. I just thought I'd share a little of what I think life is with you... because of the silly thing you said. I'm not the kind of woman who will pat your back and tell you everything will be okay and leave it at that. Because I cherish you, Lapia.”

The Elf grabbed my cheeks and stretched them. “Thank you, Natasha,” she chuckled with a smile. “You're so young and yet you have such a complicated view of life.”

“I try,” I chuckled with a shrug.

“Your Excellency is interesting,” Hanna muttered, looking at us. “Very mysterious. Are you really two months old?”

I looked at her and gave her a wink. “Who knows?”