45: Reinvigoration
After a short conversation outlining the basics of Kana's interaction with Fuzō's parents, the fading light from the wide windows signaled the arrival of night. The most significant highlight of that conversation was the five times Fuzō burst into laughter while hearing the tale of how Kana and Kaoru met. Kaoru had the decency to express shame about it, while Kana desperately retreated to her natural expression of utmost neutrality.
Kana felt a bit good that Fuzō could laugh so lightheartedly, but the fact that the woman didn't seem particularly surprised... suggested Fuzō knew a bit more about Kana than she'd anticipated. Had she seen Kana's chakra chains after all? She always did seem to know there was more to Kana than the girl let on. Was that time, when she told Kana she would keep the girl's secrets, ...was Fuzō subtly trying to let Kana know she knew?
Did Fuzō know that Kana knew that she knew? Well, it almost wasn't worth thinking about.
With the break in conversation caused by the dimming light and Fuzō fits of amusement, Kana and the two women rearranged their positions, moving Fuzō to a more comfortable and separate room within the medical suite.
There Fuzō was able to sit up, propped up by a bunch of pillows, while Kana and Kaoru were again seated in plush upholstered armchairs on either side of the bed.
Food had been summoned soon after Fuzō awoke, so a few trays of simple nutritious snacks were brought in. Softer fruits, bowls of rice, steamed vegetables... all softer foods easier to digest. It seemed Fuzō's extended fasting, rough travels, and intravenous fluids routine had been taken into account after Kana had relayed the circumstances of their arrival a few hours ago.
Kana as well had shared similar conditions, to a lesser extent, but she was not burdened by injury like Fuzō. And even if she had been... she probably wouldn't have to eat at all anyway. But Kaoru and the Yamakuni didn't know that, so it seemed she was getting a similar treatment to ease into a so-called 'normal diet'.
This food was much blander than the pastries from before. Kana eventually concluded that the only good the dietary routine would do for her was to give her an idea of what professional medical personnel thought 'normal diet' even looked like.
Kana had been living with lack, fasting, and rationing for so long that her perception of dining habits was hopelessly vague. Only a few offhanded complaints from Yuka members in the past gave her any clue of what she was missing out on. Well, until she'd sampled the Yamakuni pastries, that is...
It was all the same in the end. The trio ate a modest dinner, Kaoru insisting that both Kana and Fuzō finish their meals entirely. This insistence ended up being the catalyst which reopened conversation into more serious matters,
"Kana-sama, forgive me, but... from a medical perspective, I must express my concerns over your own health. From all I've heard now, you could be severely malnourished."
Fuzō still looked awkward at how formally her mother was treating Kana, even after hearing the specifics of the matter, but nonetheless echoed Kaoru's concerns, nodding where she lay under a layer of fresh linens,
"Hmm, right? Whenever I was awake during our journey, it always concerned me how thin she was."
Was she really that thin? Kana held a hand to her waist subconsciously, slipping under her robes to feel her ribs. It was fine, right? Even slightly better than her time in captivity. Back then, all of her bones were pretty prominent. Though, the hunger from that time was a distinct memory. One that had faded well over time.
Nevertheless, this comment prompted a short recap of all that Kana had told Kaoru, with Fuzō occasionally chiming in with her own perspective and observations, which Kaoru took note of. Details of the barrier's function, a bit about the structure of their clan, the fact that their homeland was actually the Land of Whirlpools, Kana's apparent relation, and the significant status she held within the barrier formula were all mentioned. A few bits of which were new to Kana as well.
As these were all things shared with and or by Kaoru already, Kana figured she was comfortable with Fuzō knowing anything Kaoru knew. In fact, it was about Fuzō's own life. She deserved to know even more than Kana did.
And Fuzō absorbed it all, the secrets her parents had kept from her during her youth, with remarkable solemnity. Eventually she spoke a sentence of acknowledgement that seemed to give her great satisfaction,
"Uzumaki... I am Uzumaki Fuzō, then. All my life, and I never knew my own name, my true, full name... until now." She then donned a slight smile, cheered by the revelation, "What a new start. A new place to begin.... Kana-chan... I guess, does that make you Uzumaki Kana?"
She even joked, "Or should I say, Uzumaki Kana-sama?"
But it was different for Kana.
When both Kaoru and Fuzō turned to look at the girl, they flinched at the pain they saw in her eyes. Pained, pained eyes on a neutral emotionless face.
Those words resonated with Kana very strongly,
'All my life, and I never knew my own name'
Only a name she had given herself, to fill the void. One to cast off the vestiges of her captivity.
After that, Kana conveyed her emphatic desire to find out more about her origins, which got them all thinking seriously about Kana herself.
Then came more questions of concern, which Kana had a bit more difficulty handling. But... they were probably unavoidable if she wanted to learn anything significant.
"Kana-sama... I've wondered this for a while now, but how old are you? That would be a good starting place to find out more about your past within the clan, too."
Kana wanted to answer questions like these, wanted to know the answers for herself. It was like this for many topics, but Kana stood little chance of answering many of them on her own.
That is why she wanted to borrow the knowledge and experience of Fuzō and her parents, but... there had always been complications. Keeping her abilities hidden for now was still chief among her priorities. Other matters... could likely be dealt with less stringently, especially after she'd experienced Kaoru's gentler side. Something as simple as age... surely...
So Kana pondered this question for a while, uncertain herself. However, if she compared herself to the children seen back when she first met the Yuka Group, as well as against the various adults she'd met, vague understandings from old books she'd once read...
"I am not certain, at least five, probably seven years minimum. I have been... alone and isolated for too long.... But going off of observation, I am... probably between nine and twelve years old." Kana proposed diffidently, her neutral face distracted by innumerable considerations.
Th two women before her exchanged a knowing and pained look, one whose meaning Kana had no real understanding of. Those two seemed to be more in-tune with each other than they ought to be for people who had been separated for the better part of a decade. Were they really that close now? Perhaps it was just that Uzumakis were something special. Thoughts of which brought Kana back to the original question.
Kana was rather ashamed that she didn't know such basic information about herself, but there was no helping it. The ritual had taken any chance at normality out of her life before this point. She would have to pick up the pieces one by one, filling herself in with all of those things she lacked.
Was that the road to happiness? Would finding all of those pieces, would banishing the emptiness she sometimes felt, was that what it meant to be fulfilled?
The two women didn't ask her why she didn't know her own age, but perhaps they had made some guesses. Either way, it was convenient for Kana. She would rather not have to talk too much about the ritual or her captivity. That was uncomfortably close to her current abilities. No one could know that. Not until she was sure she could handle her own safety.1 Subtle Spoiler?
"Well," Kaoru drawled with some hesitation, "If your signature was input into the barrier formula by Mito-sama herself, then the minimum would be around ten years ago, during the formula's installation."
She rubbed two fingers up and down the side of her head, glancing towards Fuzō, "And you look to be about the same height as Fuzō was when she was twelve. Considering we're related, or at least share the clan's bloodline, that range sounds about right. But, between ten and twelve? Your... disposition makes it a bit difficult to know for sure."
Fuzō and Kaoru exchanged another unknowable look. This time Kana tracked their gazes warily. What was it that they were communicating to each other? Fuzō seemed to notice Kana's unease rather readily, clearing her throat and providing some clarification,
"Well, Kana-chan, as long as you weren't going to tell us you were older than fifteen... we would've been seriously concerned about your health. Malnutrition is a serious problem." Fuzō's voice tendered out this explanation carefully, scanning Kana's reaction.
Would they really think her old enough to be fifteen? Was it something to do with the way she acted, or spoke? Or did they think her underdeveloped due to malnutrition. In some respects, before the ritual that might have been true. However, now...
Kana only nodded, and after a thought occurred to her, she added brightly, "Ah, then, can you tell me more about how people are supposed to eat normally? Err, at least how other people from the Uzumaki clan eat, anyway. I... don't think I know enough about that." Kana hedged, hoping to move onto her own questions again. It could very well be that other people from the Uzumaki clan didn't have to eat as much. Or if they all shared enhanced vitality, then...
However, those thoughts petered out when both Kaoru and Fuzō's faces fell at what she'd said. Which made Kana a bit nervous. What exactly had she said wrong?
Kaoru looked towards Fuzō with the most concern out of them all. Fuzō acknowledged Kaoru's gaze with a nod and asked Kana once more in a simple and plain voice,
"Kana-chan, have you been.... alone... for a long time?" The emphasis she placed on that one word held a lot of nuance, nuance which Kana knew not how to interpret. But nuance which she felt deep in her heart.
Kana nodded once more, merely nonchalantly, putting a hand to her chin. It was true, right? Actually... if she thought back over all her memory... she really had been 'alone' for all of that time, well, save for the cultists. But they did not exactly count.
"Yes, alone... almost as long as I can remember. Certainly before fleeing the war."Reaching for her earliest, faintest memories, Kana once again recalled the vague red-framed shapes she assumed to be faces from her past,
"But far, far in the past... I don't think that was always the case." Kana whispered, just loud enough for the other two to hear. With a glance to her side, Kana ran a hand through lengthy strands of her bright maroon hair. It helped her think. The action was again reassuring.
"I think... I barely remember being around people... with hair like ours. So long ago, that being alone is most natural to me."
Fuzō's eyes had squinched tightly by the end of her words, Kaoru having placed her hands over her mouth and looking away. Both seemed unable to speak for some time.
These reactions... they were surely ones of concern?
If they were out of concern for her, then Kana could accept it. Even if in her heart, she was very troubled. Something about that emptiness, that lack she sometimes felt... Fuzō and Kaoru sometimes reminded her of its presence deep within her. Within those memories of undistinguished faces. Kana hoped to again one day find the faint feelings those memories left with her.
She voiced this sentiment, explaining every single detail she remembered of those faint memories, of which there weren't many.
Vague, pale faces framed in red. The scents of sweetness like the pastries Kaoru served her. Bright sunlight shining down between patches of pink and green. Indeterminate loud and high-pitched noises. And a warmth and softness, a warmth and softness most pleasant and soothing to the body and soul, unlike anything she had ever experienced since.
Even now these sensations were barely within her grasp, so long had passed since she felt them in actuality.
Was it the last gift, the last remnant of a happier past? Joy, Safety, and even more...
She spoke almost dispassionately of the crushing emptiness that the lack of these things left within her. Lost within the exploration of her own feelings, she relayed the agony of feeling those memories fade, uncertain if she would lose them entirely before she found out how to feel them again.
There were quiet sounds coming from the room around her, but Kana's mind ignored them. She felt herself being embraced, but still she continued.
Like she was speaking of someone else, she recalled the desperation of being unable to search for what she'd lost, what was taken from her. The desperation of holding her own mind together throughout the loneliness, the desolation. The desperation of even those awful feelings fading, leaving only the sheer iron will to survive. A will she had to forge and temper over and over with meditation and self-discipline.
"I must know my past. I have to know more about it. I cling to these feelings, because..." If she were breathing, it would have been unsteady, sobbing even, but she'd held her breath for a while now. A visceral calming routine she performed subconsciously.
As she exhaled a long-held breath, Kana finally felt the warmth and wetness which had been blurring her vision, and then her cheeks. But she only saw what was in her mind's eye, those memories, "That was the happiest, ...I've ever felt?"