3: Mindful and Mind Full

For the second time, she awoke to the sound of dripping. This time from the thin trails of blood still barely running from the corners of her mouth and nose. Its warmth tickled her face and stimulated her groggy mind.

Groaning weakly, she opened her eyes; her voice resounded in a oddly pleasant cadence even whilst tinged with pain.

The area was dyed in the colors of sunset through the skylight, indicating that several hours may have passed. She lay exactly where she fell, resting on her side and hunched around her stomach. Directly before her was a slowly drying puddle of blood that stained and matted the otherwise lively grass. Just beyond the puddle lay her hair ornament, signet ever so slightly spattered with her blood.

Reaching out a hand to grasp it, she turned it over to view the inscription; her other hand shakily wiped some of the blood from her face.

She now knew why it had bothered her so much that she didn't recognize it's meaning.'My only possession', she recalled thinking.

It was true. As best as she could tell, the ornament had been with her as long as she was alive. The feeling of familiarity was not a lie, and it seemed to have been key in restoring her memory. But it was much more than that. It was the only real lead she had to find that which she had lost. Something important to her.

Happiness. Safety. And even more....

It symbolized the faint hope that her young self had fostered throughout her captivity here: that she could again find the feelings of warmth, safety, and happiness from before she came here—before she had been brought here—and again find those who may have given her those feelings. Those fading memories had preserved and motivated her for countless days. Though, along with them grew some darker feelings as she matured in captivity...

Alas, she had been too young to properly remember their appearance. It had been too long since she was taken. All she recollected was vague faces often framed by red hair. It was better than nothing, but she had more than that.The hair clasp felt just a bit heavier in her grasp, perhaps an illusion due to its personal value weighing more on her mind.

A tiny and pained smirk warped the edges of her lips. Her best clue was this signet and its inscription, the latter essentially a lost cause already.

'ka'. She had hoped her memories would at least contain the basics of her identity, but she could recall nothing relevant. Perhaps she had never been given a name at all. The unruly cultist guards here had only ever called her 'Five'. Well, that and various pejoratives. Many a colorful word was learned from the ill-tempered grumblings of her brutish jailers. And their sneers...

She stopped thinking along those lines. It simply wasn't worth it anymore. They were probably all dead now anyway.

She sighed dryly under her breath. Now at least, her selfhood had been fully restored. Surely she had had a name though...

She refused to remain nameless. She would also never accept the epithet used by her captors. Former captors, she reminded herself.

The one who survived was she! She would be her own master and architect of her own identity. The identity of the her who had outlived her captors.

This ornament in her hand was closest thing to the truth of her identity she would likely get. Her solace in captivity. What better deserved to be chosen as her new namesake? And it had given her 'Ka' to work with —

'Ka... Hairclasp... hair pin? 'Kanzashi...' Ka...Kan.  Kan-za? ... Kan, Kan-na?...Kana.From now, I am Kana' 1 Another note for those interested in the thought process here:Hair clasp/ornament/pin is "兂" ../.. "簪", read [かんざし]. That is, kanzashi.Kana is trying to form a name she likes using the readable part of the inscription, which happens to sound similar to the first syllable of kanzashi. She follows the flow of the word, sounding it out. Kanza is a bit odd-sounding, so she feminizes it to the more natural sounding Kanna, or Kana as it is. Yes, I'm a bit of a nerd but I couldn't resist.For the purposes of this making sense in English, just think of it as her trying to find a nice name that starts with 'Ka' to match the inscription on her hair clasp. Let me know in the comments if you like seeing footnotes with these little language tricks. I'm tempted to make some later on that I just know zero people will get.

A small smile formed on Kana's face as a few tears welled in her eyes, the monumentality of her newfound freedom feeling more real as she christened herself anew. But still, there was much more to investigate. What she remembered alone would not suffice.

Sitting up and viewing the gardens before her, Kana used her thumbs to wipe away at the blood drops on her hair clasp. It didn't come off very well.

Glancing down, she realized that her appearance had changed a decent amount from what she remembered before... just a time of darkness.

Kana tilted her head slightly, eyebrows furrowed concernedly. Had she not been conscious for... a long time?

This would be yet another apprehension to deal with, but regardless, right now she was in need of another bath. Trails of drying blood ran all down her jaw and neck, streaking down her right side as well. Fortunately, the hotspring pond was still mere meters away.

Rousing her body, Kana made her way back to take another bath. After she cleaned herself up, she told herself the next immediate priority would be to find some clothing and take stock of the chambers around. Starting with wherever the passageways that circled this garden went.

Oddly enough, her body felt great though, even after being wracked with that ungodly pain and despite being somewhat different than how her memories suggested it should be.

Vigorous vitality. Calmed spirit, chakra comfortably circulating.

In fact, it was circulating much more powerfully and freely than before. There was actually a lot more subtlety going on with her chakra, and the more she concentrated on it the more interesting it seemed. It would likely take quite a bit of time to unravel what was happening here, so for now Kana decided to put a hold on investigating her chakra too deeply. One step at a time...

At the very least, she understood that changes her body seemed to have undergone recently had overwhelmed her spiritual energy, throwing her soul and body out of balance and suppressing her mental state. Having experienced it, and after her brief reflection on it, she felt an intuitive knowledge for the situation.

Her body had been and was still absolutely brimming with vitality, generating some kind of fundamental Yang-oriented energy in tremendous quantities. Conversely, her soul and spirit had been too young and weak to properly balance with the Yin component. It was as if her nature as a living being had been tampered with. Especially since the ritual had channeled the foreign spiritual energy of the other... participants into her, along with a mysterious heavenly energy2Energies in the Naruto universe can be tricky. If you're completely lost, here's a reference image for typical Chakra/energy within humans:Unity of Spiritual and Physical Energy within Humans, connected and kneaded by chakra as passed down by The Sage of Six Paths.Even then, there's even more going on here and uniqueness to every person. Especially a certain little girl ;).

That was the energy that had flooded into her, that and the remaining Yin essence that her soul could not handle.

When Kana awoke on the altar, her body and soul had still been too stressed to allow for the entry of all that additional spiritual energy. It had hung around her like a dense cloud. Her soul had not been able to properly control her body. Kana understood now that the process she had undergone was extremely delicate; the energies involved were highly potent.

The bathing and relaxation had eased her tension and mellowed her body enough to allow a channel through her chakra network for her spiritual energy to realign. Belatedly, Kana surmised that the purpose of this healing garden may have been to allow for exactly this realignment.

Of course one would likely need to recuperate if their soul and vessel was to be crammed full of foreign chakra and celestial energies. It seemed like it should be common knowledge, though Kana had no idea why she felt that way. However, the sheer quantity of Yin energy that needed realignment in Kana had still made the process... quite painful. Furthermore, Kana did not know what the goal was for amassing these energies in the first place. What exactly had it accomplished?

Even now, she could just feel that there was more to her since the ritual. Kana couldn't find another word to better articulate this feeling. The concept and process seemed so diametrically grand and visceral as to be incomprehensible, but what she could understand was that part of this more-ness, this substance to her nature, had its sources in the spiritual energy of the other people.

And that... she and they were meant to be sacrifices. It was a terrifying realization. Why was she specifically chosen for this? What about the others as well?

Kana did not even know where to begin with unpacking the implications of all this. She dared not even give voice to them for now.

... Another matter she desperately needed to investigate but could not immediately focus on. She had just decided not to get distracted by her chakra, and now there was this.

Having long since finished rinsing off her hair clasp, Kana realized that for the several minutes she was lost in thought, she had been absentmindedly fiddling with her signet between her fingers, much like she had done to seek comfort during her captivity.

At least that habit seemed to be unaffected... it was almost painful that that itself was reassuring.

It was all just too overwhelming, and a wave of distraught sadness passed over Kana before she could suppress it.She sighed a tired, frustrated sigh and again eased herself into the pond's shallows, hoping the pleasantness of water would soothe her sanity.

And it more or less worked. It was every bit as good the second time around. And she had it all to herself.

No matter what, Kana wouldn't forget about how great this garden and its hotspring was.

Still, she would need to do some scrubbing this time to remove the blood all over her, and her thoughts wandered again as she washed.

Why had she alone survived the ritual? Kana had only minimal contact with the cultists' leader, whom the coarse underlings called "the Shinigon", so she never had any idea of what they were planning. She vaguely recalled the Shinigon inspecting her in the antechamber above before she was arbitrarily dragged off and thrown into some form of barely-furnished cell soon after she arrived. That cell served as her quarters for... how many years? She had no way to be certain.

Regardless, she never saw the Shinigon again until it was time for the ritual. Though, the only thing that identified the Shinigon as the leader was his unique black robe with a symbol on it. It was... a white upside-down triangle surrounded by a white circle. In the center of the triangle was a blood-red motif of a claw. None of the other cultists had that motif on their robes. That was the last thing she remembered seeing after she was awoken, dragged towards the altar, and seemingly knocked out again. It would do well to remember too, as everyone bearing that symbol was undoubtedly someone to consider an enemy.

A calm and calculating anger stirred within Kana. Why her? Why had they chosen her for this?

She would make them regret it.

The train of thought roused another distant memory. All she recalled of the Shinigon's goal was that he wanted "kekkei genkai users".

If there was anything more specific or in addition, Kana did not know, but it was something at least.

The cultists had supposedly spent the years capturing people with unique bloodline abilities called kekkei genkai for use as sacrifices, Kana apparently being one of them. Echos of bravado and arrogant complaining from her jailers had more than sufficiently suggested as much.

Kana rubbed her eyelids silently for a moment, until her fingers parted dampened with a saltier sort of water. She really needed to get a grip. Her lips formed small and lonely smile as she mocked her own troubled heart.

They had all been dismissive of Kana for quite a while, her being a young child after all. A rotating duo of guards tasked with handling her did not seem all that diligent in hindsight, seemingly picking whatever random room to store her in and throwing a lock on the door.

They mostly ignored her; the only daily interruption was a grunt bringing her a modest tray of food and collecting the previous day's tray. Though any contact with her captors had generally made her felt grossly unpleasant. It was something about the notional aura they had given off, just disgusting. Kana wasn't even sure if it was real or in her head.

And despite those feelings she had learned—fear, loathing, disgust, despair, heartache—the worst of them was the uncertainty. She had often wondered why she had been taken there. Just to be confined, mocked, and ignored? But they still fed her?

In retrospect, she thought bitterly, perhaps their dismissal had been warranted—given that she was ultimately to be an unknowing sacrifice.

A guard once muttered some complaint about how annoying it was to "wait for building up chakra" or "keep 'em healthy enough".

Indeed, she was kept healthy enough. The cell was furnished with basic, if rather dilapidated necessities. Water flowed into a trough from a hole in the wall, which she could use for drinking and minor sanitation. Below the trough was a tiny drain for the wastewater. There was a likely-stolen tarp cot for a bed as well as a few ancient cabinet-bookshelves. The only light was from a lantern hung by the locked iron door, oil replaced by the guards when it burned out... if she was lucky. To be honest, her captivity functioned something like an isolated house arrest deep within the mountain... well, initially it did.

Kana took a deep breath as she thought about the odd darkness that seemed to occupy the 'gaps' in her memory. One thing after another after another after another... it wouldn't do to get distracted at every turn. She returned her focus to more useful memories.

Over her time in captivity, boredom had become a powerful motivator, and in the end Kana had discreetly improved her reading ability by using a reference scroll with pictures from the old shelves. One shelf contained scrolls depicting humans and elemental phenomena, and wrote of controlling 'chakra' and 'energy pathways'.

These were also helpful as references, but she didn't really understand their meanings until much later, when her own chakra awakened. After that, she began to understand this thing called 'jutsu'.

Perhaps, she had thought, one day she might be able to escape with the power of chakra. It was a hope born of hopelessness, but she held some belief in it anyway. What else could she have done?

With that as a new motivator, she had tried her best to understand the complex and withered scrolls. At the very least, she tried to remember the contents, even if she failed to comprehend it. It was something to do...

The isolation taught Kana to keep herself company. She would practice memorizing and reciting scrolls, repeating the words in her head to learn their meanings. Sometimes, she seemed to just get a sense for it. An intuition.

Whenever she did this, she would absentmindedly trace the edges of the signet on her hair clasp, fiddling with it in her palms as she concentrated, though even by then the inscription had already been worn away. The studying and ever-fading memories of a life before captivity fueled within her a disciplined will.

She rarely spoke aloud though, for she had only herself to speak to and didn't want to alert or annoy the guards. She had once tried quietly speaking to herself or inanimate objects to practice saying words aloud in the lonely silence, but it had made her feel foolish so she refrained from continuing. The guard shouting at her to shut up wasn't good either.

As such she rarely vocalized her thoughts, and instead developed a proclivity for introspection and abstract thinking, losing herself in thought. This was particularly true for visualizing the concepts in her mind's eyes, since she couldn't actually experience or see most of them. It trained her intuition as well.  Although, now it seemed she was a bit prone to overthinking as she struggled to feel at home with her newfound freedom. Regardless, she had had an aptitude for the grueling study.

It got better later though, when she started to physically practice lessons of 'chakra control' from the scrolls. Then she could focus for hours on the vibrant amethyst-colored chakra that flowed around inside her. Frequently this exhausted her, so sleep relieved her boredom. Time passed rather quickly from then on. She had spent her days reading and re-reading, meditating and practicing control of her chakra in the silence3As you may have noticed, Kana already did not have a disposition typical of young children. The Naruto world is harsh, often forcing early maturation, and Kana's unique childhood is no exception. Think of young Itachi, after he was traumatized by war. Their circumstances are similar, both faced with choices adults would have difficulty making, both developing behaviors difficult for adults to adopt, all while not being entirely equipped to handle the world. Kana's trauma is much more... prolonged though. A slow burn.. Well, until the underlings finally noticed what she was doing...after that was a time of prolonged darkness. Whatever they had done to her then had apparently kept her alive but somehow unconscious... until the ritual.

Having finished rinsing herself, Kana awoke from her recollections, gathered her singular belonging, and made her way towards the front of the gardens while still dripping water. A wayward breeze tickled her damp skin, making her shiver slightly.

It was more of a response to the tactile sensation, though, for despite the breeze Kana did not actually feel cold. Well, it was cold, but it wasn't uncomfortable. She could sense the temperature changes, but the extremes didn't actually seem to have much negative effect on her.

Even if she didn't feel all that uncomfortable from the cold, it was still... awkward... to go around naked. She might still get sick too...

Furrowing her brows, Kana eyed the passageways that looped around the area. Clothing— clothing and uh, and answers were immediate priorities now.

It was likely safe relax her guard for a while. Her senses weren't picking up any foreign chakra signatures in the building's vicinity and the ritual should have made absolutely certain that none of the cultists survived, at least not in this hideout. Everyone was to supposed be present and "witness the sacrificial gospel of the Shinigon!", as one overexcited underling had exclaimed shortly before. Kana would bet that the Shinigon hadn't planned on becoming a sacrifice himself, if that was indeed what happened.

But why...? Kana shook her head again wearily. She had some inklings now, but still nothing definitive. She doubted it would be pleasant to think about either.

Heading down the right-hand passageway, Kana peered through the chiselled window gaps as she contemplated her situation from a new angle.

This whole place was too convenient, and it was suspicious how it was only nominally concealed by a genjutsu or some such. A genjutsu that even her disoriented and suppressed self had somehow broken. Very strange...

And there was such a gorgeous garden, too. Kana doubted just anyone could come here, especially given how undisturbed the place was for potentially housing group of rowdy cultists. Maybe... if "the great and mighty Shinigon" was residing here... Kana figured somewhat ruefully that no one would be trespassing. That was likely it. It was starting to add up.

Confirming her earlier assessments, the tunnel converged with the one on the opposite side into a sort of foyer behind the crystalline rock that served as a source for the hotspring. This side of the rock glowed a muted blue, illuminating the foyer clearly. Opposite the glowing source rock stood a set of grandiose double-doors, made with some dark aged wood and braced with a tarnished metal. Given its domineering impression, any remaining doubts that this was the Shinigon's quarters disappeared from her mind — the Shinigon's former quarters that is.

Reaching a hand out to each door, Kana hesitated before gently grasping the cold metal rings that served as handles. She channeled a small amount of chakra in and around the door, still somewhat paranoid about any lingering traps. Again, Kana felt a vague sense of how powerful her control over her chakra had become.

There was nothing. If there had been any seals or security measures, they had disappeared with the death of the Shinigon. Again, she felt it somewhat surreal...

In just a few hours her life and future had drastically changed. Years of captivity apparently meant to prepare her as a sacrifice has so suddenly ended, somehow with her alone surviving. Perhaps it was true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Kana was free to start anew. The freedom and possibilities of a future. Possibilities other than an early death.

This meant that Kana would also have to deal with the emotional significance of that fact. She had been forcing emotions to the back of her mind for a while now—suppressing them even—to maintain her heightened readiness, but she was going to have to stabilize herself a bit to have any chance of staying focused. Even the briefest moments where she felt relaxed had caused her mind to ponder furiously, leaving her dangerously preoccupied. She needed to adjust, needed time to adjust. Time she might not have.

It was fortunate that her mental faculties and control seemed to have improved, her perspective enhanced, as if she had in influx of conceptual experience. Concepts she could hardly have encountered with a life led in captivity—most of them involving nature, elements, chakra, and interestingly... combat. Connections were passively made between this experience and her learned but not understood knowledge.

That she could even be aware of the specifics and former limitations of her perspective held certain implications.

It was perplexing, frightening. Her heart was beating a little too fast for comfort.And yet, she could still remain relatively calm about it. The alterations to her body and soul may have had more and far-reaching consequences than she could possibly guess.

Consequences she would have to deal with sooner or later.Already her behavior was different, more under her control. A symptom of natural growth, or insidious manipulation?Already she instinctively understood concepts she had scarcely imagined before. Doubts brewed in the corners of her mind and she feared not knowing her own true nature. The ritual was definitively involved in tampering with natural energies, after all. Whatever she did going forward, she would first need to try and make sense of this. She needed answers—real understanding.

Answers to the questions that ate away at her in the darkest nights of her captivity. Answers to questions she didn't even know to ask yet. Why had they abducted her, specifically? What about her heritage made them target her? Was it blind chance? What was their goal? What really happened during the ritual? Did something go wrong for them? Did no one truly know what to expect? How had she come out of it alone? What... had happened to those who had cared for her before...? ... Would she regret learning the truth?Had she... lost even more than she realized?

Kana's expression twisted slightly with concern, teeth biting her lower lip a little.

Leads on any of these questions would be better than her current anxious ignorance. She needed to accept that. She would need to steel herself to accept that. The chamber before her could contain absolutely anything, but she had to know. Kana was briefly startled by a pulsation—no, a resonance within her chakra. Some part of her deeply resonated with that line of thinking and she was surprised by the sense of peace it brought; it was as if she had come to know herself a little better.

Breathing in deeply, her face resumed its even and impassive expression. Kana had her coveted freedom now, it was no use fearing it. Freedom just came with new and different burdens.

She was free, free from all of the confines imposed upon her. In fact, she was free from even the restrictions of clothes at the moment.

The thought was both wryly amusing and legitimately concerning, as Kana was reminded of her au naturel state.

The odd humor giving her resolve the final boost it needed, Kana exhaled and thrust open the doors before her.