Chapter 33
A knock came from the door, and I cast [Magic Trick] to open it, revealing Usagi standing there, holding a big bowl of stew.
"You hungry?" Usagi asked, stepping into my room.
"...I should probably eat, yeah," I said, continuing to focus intently on my alchemy set. "Just... once this reaction is done."
"What's all this about?" Usagi asked.
"Trying to brew a potion, but the recipe calls for twelve-point aniseed," I said. "Well, we don't have twelve-point aniseed, and it's a Level 5 Herb, meaning the only real market is among delvers, and I don't have delver money. So I have to figure out which alchemical reagents in twelve-point aniseed are so critical, and then synthesize those out of stuff I do have, and if you're thinking that sounds indescribably tedious, then you are very right! I've been babysitting this reaction for the past hour, and it still isn't done yet."
"Oof," Usagi muttered. "And here I thought having to stir the stew pot so nothing burns was tedious."
"Eh," I said quietly. "A chore you have to do every day is different from a project you only really have to do once. Besides, it... kinda makes sense that this potion would be such a big, inconvenient pain in the ass to brew."
After all, a potion that granted a lifespan of five centuries (give or take whatever the standard deviation was for elves) was pretty close to immortality, and that was the Magnum Opus, the Philosopher's Stone, the Elixir of Life. And here I was, making it out of the titty squeezings of an amateur porn star.
"...Ah, dammit," I muttered, watching as the bubbling liquid suddenly turned red and began to roil violently. "There was a fucking weevil egg in that batch. Well, that's ruined."
I killed the heat, and sighed, walking away from my alchemy kit to accept the stew from Usagi.
"I'm gonna keep plugging away at it," I said. "But... it might eat up the entirety of tomorrow, so..."
"I understand," Usagi said, nodding. "Take the time you need."
---
Once I finished synthesizing the precursor- a process that required seven alternative herbs that I did already have, combined in three branching trees of a total of eighteen different reactions, and featuring five accidents, three of which were unrecoverable and forced me to start over from the beginning- the actual brewing of the potion was reasonably straightforward.
Having a Level 4 Wizard's maxed-out Intelligence was a blessing and a curse, because if I was just a touch stupider, I wouldn't have been able to figure out this synthesis path, and therefore would've been able to bring myself to just buy the goddamn aniseed. Alas, I had to live in the world where I spent a cumulative twenty hours, fourteen of which had been consecutive, producing one ingredient for the potion I actually wanted.
(I had also made a potion to turn me into an elf, but after looking up and then casting a spell to create a mirror, I realized just how pointless the endeavor was; my hair naturally tended to cover the tips of my ears, and that was literally the only thing that changed in the process of becoming an elf. So I let the sample wear off, and didn't bother brewing a more permanent potion.)
But it was over, now. And I could finally reap the rewards.
"Hello, Roxy," Elendar said, opening the door and allowing me into her and Neloteth's apartment. It was incredibly green on the inside, with the walls and every piece of furniture and decor being some flavor of Conspicuously Elfish, in a way that just screamed 'child of immigrants who's insecure about her heritage.' "Come in, come in."
"So," I said, walking in. "I... Y'know what, I'm not sure how to lead into this gracefully."
"How auspicious," Elendar said dryly.
"I milked Nel like a dairy cow and made a potion out of her lifespan," I said.
Elendar blinked.
"...What?" she asked, genuinely more confused than anything.
"I've got access to a rare, novel form of potion that can grant Traits, either temporarily or permanently," I elaborated. "With Nel's bodily fluids, I've developed a potion that can permanently grant the Long-Lived 3 Trait to whoever drinks it."
Elendar's eyes went wide with comprehension.
"I made a few doses," I continued, producing a glass bottle from my inventory. "This one is yours."
"...Have you had a dose?" Elendar asked, looking first at the bottle, and then at me.
"Of course," I said, nodding. "One, I can't be handing potions over to people that I haven't tested for quality and effectiveness, and two, this potion was such a monumental pain in the ass to brew, that I felt just a little bit entitled to some of the fruits of that labor."
Elendar cracked a smile at that, and lifted a hand, as though to accept the bottle from me, before putting it back down, her smile fading. "I... I just..."
"You'd like to live as long as Nel and I, right?" I asked.
"I... Yes, but..." Elendar trailed off apprehensively, looking at the bottle with worry.
"But nothing," I said, uncorking the bottle. "Open your mouth. Now."
Elendar obeyed immediately, and I put the mouth of the bottle inside her mouth, before tipping the bottle up and back, dumping its contents into her mouth and down her throat.
"Good girl," I said. "Now swallow."
She did so, closing her eyes, and I grinned a little.
"...That doesn't taste amazing," Elendar admitted, as I pulled the bottle back.
"Yeah, it's not the best," I agreed. "But, well, it's hardly the worst thing I've ever drank, and considering the benefits..."
"Yeah, it's..." Elendar swallowed again, and blinked a few times.
"Take your time," I said. "You've got plenty."
She hugged me, burying her face into my chest, and I simply patted the back of her head, wrapping my other arm around her back. I didn't say anything else; I was out of smartass comments that I'd feel good about making.
I heard a door open, and turned to regard Elendar, shaking her hands slightly as she emerged from what must've been a bathroom.
"Oh, hey Roxy," Nel said. "You and El getting alo... oh, you gave her the potion already, didn't you?"
Elendar nodded on my behalf, and took an arm off of me to becken Nel over. Nel obliged, and soon we were in a hug triangle, each of us with one arm around the other two.
"So," I said, quietly. "I know that all of us have plenty of time, but... I can learn patience later. Right now I kinda wanna talk about what we're doing next."
"Yeah?" Nel asked, running her hand through Elendar's hair.
"I want to go delving with you, and learn how to do this shit properly," I said. "Also, y'know, get up to Level 5 so I can unlock Mystic Artificer already."
"Oh, you mean delving, not threesomes," Nel said. "Well, I can work with that. You're going to want to go ahead and actually use that Slotless Paladin Unlock, though; you really, really want to be a Spellblade, and I honestly don't think we're going to be able to train that out of you."
"Maybe," I said. "I'll talk to Cecilia about it, she's probably forgotten more about delver build optimization than both of us put together have ever learned."
"...Cecilia?" Nel asked, quietly. "Do you mean... Cecilia Ironborn? Level 15 Bunnygirl Spellblade Cecilia Ironborn? Brown skin and white hair?"
"With huge boobs and a powerful fixation on system research she's developed as a coping mechanism for the existential ennui of hitting level cap," I said. "That Cecilia Ironborn, yes."
"And you... know her," Nel said. "Well enough to casually ask her for build advice."
"I'm a source of meaningful things to do, as well as someone who not only humors but also engages with her interest in system research," I said casually. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I am well fucking aware of just how big a deal she is, but, I am also aware that she's a person underneath the reputation, and I like to think I'm friends with the person."
Nel nodded slowly.
"...Do you think I could get a selfie with her?" Nel asked.
"Absolutely, yes," I said, nodding. "Even one without your shirts on."
"Really?" Nel asked, her pointy little ears starting to twitch in excitement.
"Cecilia is remarkably horny for a woman in her fifties," I said. I'd asked how old she was, and at 52, with her system access awakening at 18, she'd had 37 years to delve; assuming that her autism-adjacent special interest was originally delving, and she was good enough at it to do it once a day every day, then the biggest, no-way-around-it roadblock was the grind from Level 14 to Level 15, with only Level 13 Dungeon Gates to work with. That was, pretty much no matter what, ten thousand delves, and thus ten thousand days, which was twenty seven years. Considering that getting to Level 16 with only a Level 13 Dungeon Gate to work with would take literally a million delves, even managing two delves a day would take nearly fourteen hundred years, and... well, not even elves lived that long. "I'm not about to psychoanalyze her and pontificate about why that is, but god damn am I happy that this jacked-and-stacked bunny-cougar will let me stick my tongue down her throat."
"Will Master be attempting to add a third beta to her harem?" Elendar asked, which was... certainly a choice for the first complete sentence to pass her lips since gaining a lifespan of 500 years.
"Oh yeah, that brings me to the future thing I wanted to talk about," Nel said. "Just so you know, Roxy, El and I are very determined to thank you as thoroughly as we possibly can for the longevity potion."
"You let me milk you like a dairy cow to such an extent I could make two of those potions and drink one of them myself," I said. "You two aren't trying to join my harem to repay some supposed debt. You just think I'm hot and funny and want me to fuck you."
"...Okay, maybe so. What're you gonna do about it, not keep a pair of hot elves around to warm your bed?"
"Oh, don't get me wrong, I am one hundred percent taking you two." To punctuate that, I squeezed the both of them against myself, possessively. "I just want us all to be clear about the real reasoning."
"Right, well," Nel said, leaning into the squeeze. "Unless you know Cecilia's a night owl, I think it's getting late enough that we should be getting ready for bed."
"Will you be joining us?" Elendar asked, looking up at me.
I hummed appreciatively.
"Well," I began, "I don't see why I shouldn't sleep with you two. Lead the way."