86 — A Blank Page

Leaving was harder the second time.

This comfort. It was like leaving a warm bed on a cold morning. Your body screams at you to stay, to sink back into the warmth, to ignore the demands of the world outside. My mind knew I had to go, but my body, my heart, they wanted to stay.

I had found so much 'right' in the 'wrong' place. And I really didn't want to leave.

Mia was knocked out cold, her breathing soft and even. Her hand was still clutching mine, even in her sleep. I carefully disentangled our fingers, my movements slow and deliberate, trying not to wake her.

I stood up, looking down at her one final time. Her face was so otherworldly in the dim moonlight filtering through the window. I could stare for hours, and not find a single imperfection, not a single detail a master artist could possibly nitpick. If I, as her own brother, could see this, how could any other man resist?

This thought made something ugly coil in my gut. I pushed it down. Hard.

I picked up the gift for Su Ah from the desk and quietly slipped out of the room, closing the door behind me with a soft click.

The house was silent. A heavy, muffled silence, broken only by the steady drumming of the rain against the windows. I almost felt like a thief, skulking in the darkness of my own house, but I supposed that's what I'd become.

I stopped by Su Ah's door; she was still up. Leave it to a writer to find her muse on a stormy night.

I'd leave the gift in front of her door, she would find it eventually.

She would, but would she be happy that I had come home only to give her a present and not see her? Obviously, I wasn't trying to play favorites here. I had seen Eun Ha, and I had spent some quality time with Mia, and I really should at least say hi to Su Ah. Ask her how she'd been doing. Tell her I'd really missed her too.

Because I did. I missed them all.

With a sigh, I decided to knock. Just a light one. "Su Ah Noona? Are you awake?"

A moment of silence, then the shuffling of feet. The door opened a crack. Her black hair was slightly messy, her dark eyes blinking at me from the gloom of her room. Her headphones hung around her neck.

"Jae-il?" Her voice was a soft, surprised whisper. "What are you doing here?"

"The match was canceled. Got a day off... of sorts. I just... I wanted to see you all for a bit. See how you were doing." I held up the small, wrapped box. "And, you know, give you this."

Her gaze flickered from my face to the gift, and then back to my face. A complex mix of emotions played across her features. "You didn't have to."

"I wanted to."

She opened the door a little wider, and I saw her room. It was neat, organized. A little too dark, sure, isn't it in the dark that the best stories are born?

"You can come in, if you want." Su Ah said, her voice still a little hesitant. "Just for a minute."

I stepped in, briefly looking around at the shadow realm that solely belonged to this Noona of mine. "I know you're working and the last thing you want is an annoying brother interrupting. I'll be out before you know it."

"You're not annoying..." She said quietly, but then she corrected herself. "I mean, you can be, but not right now." There was a faint smile on her lips. "It's... good to see you."

I walked further into her room, and I placed the gift on her desk. "Good to see you too, Noona. How's the writing coming along?"

"The usual." She sighed, a world of frustration packed into that one little sound. "Staring at a blank page. Waiting for the words to come."

"They will." I said. "They always do."

She sat on her swivel chair, swivelling once before stopping. "How do you know?"

I paused for a moment. "Because you're too good to let them not." I smiled slightly as she curled a disheveled lock of hair around her finger. "Inspiration is a fickle mistress. You just have to be patient."

"Easy for you to say. Your work is physical. You just go out there and do it. Mine is... all in here." She pointed at her head. "And sometimes, there's just nothing there."

"Trust me, Noona. My work isn't just physical." I said, my voice low. "There's a lot of 'here' involved too." I tapped my temple. "A lot of doubt, a lot of fear, a lot of pressure. It's not as simple as it looks."

She coughed. "Sorry, didn't mean to..." Her eyes darted away. "I know it's not easy."

"I know you didn't."

"So..." She swivelled again. "Did you have a good talk with mom? And... Unnie?"

The question about Mia was casual, but I could hear the edge to it.

"I did. Mom seems... tired." I chose my words carefully. "Mia Noona, well... she's Mia Noona." A non-answer. A safe one.

Su Ah's eyes narrowed just a fraction, huffing. "Right."

I cleared my throat. "Beyond that, how have you been?" I didn't want to have Mia's name pop up again if I could help it, but I also didn't want to leave Su Ah feeling neglected. "For real."

"Me? I'm fine." She shrugged, a little too quickly. "Just... writing. And thinking. And writing some more." She looked down at her hands, which were fidgeting in her lap. "It's a quiet life. Everything's the same."

"Nothing wrong with quiet."

"Maybe." Su Ah shrugged, stretching. Her bare, perfectly thick and soft and creamy thighs flexing, extending, then retracting. Fucking dolphin shorts making everything so much more noticeable. So much more sexy.

My gaze, a fucking traitor that it was, dropped for a split second. It was enough.

I had seen her in much less. This should be nothing. But the quiet intimacy of her room, the storm outside, the memory of Mia's body still fresh on my skin... it all conspired to make this simple, innocent gesture feel wholly inappropriate.

I quickly looked away, forcing my attention to the books on her shelves. "So, what's the masterpiece about? Or is that a state secret?"

Su Ah rolled her eyes, swivelling around to face her laptop. I was inwardly glad for that. "It's... a story. About a girl who can see the threads of fate connecting people. And she tries to cut them."

"Why?" I tilted my head.

"Because she thinks she's helping them. She thinks she's freeing them from destiny. But she's not. She's just making things worse." She paused. "It's a tragedy, I guess."

"Is this a new story?" I approached her desk, leaning over her shoulder to peek at the screen. It was filled with a single, lonely paragraph. But even that didn't last as she read it over once more and proceeded to delete it.

"No. It's an old one. I'm trying to rewrite it. Make it... better."

She smelled nice. A faint, clean scent, like freshly washed linen and something floral, maybe lavender. It was a subtle, calming scent. Very different from Mia's loud, provocative perfume.

"It sounds interesting." My voice was a bit too low. A bit too close to her ear.

She flinched slightly, her shoulder brushing against my chest. "It's... it's just an idea."

"A good idea." I insisted. "I'd read it."

Her shoulders relaxed, just a little. "Maybe I'll let you, if I ever finish it."

"Hope you do. I'd really enjoy reading something written by my sister."

"......" Su Ah's breath hitched, almost imperceptibly.

"What about the other one? That other story you were writing? The... romance one."

She closed her eyes, smacking her lips. "Writer's block."

"Again?" I chuckled.

"Again."

I watched her for a moment. She was tense. Her shoulders were hunched, her hands were clenched in her lap.

The words 'do you need any help' or 'maybe I can inspire you' almost left my lips. They were right there, on the tip of my tongue. But I bit them back. Because I still remembered the outcome of my last attempt at 'helping' her.

Instead, I reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. It was a simple, brotherly gesture. Or so I told myself. "You'll get through it, Noona. You always do."

She flinched again, but this time, she didn't pull away. She just sat there, frozen, my hand resting on the thin fabric of her t-shirt. I could feel the warmth of her skin, the delicate curve of her shoulder bone.

"Jae-il..." Her voice was a choked whisper.

"Hmm?"

She opened her mouth, then closed it with an irritated sigh, as if thinking she had made a terrible mistake by even considering saying whatever she was going to say. "Nothing."

"Okay." I removed my hand. "Well, I should really get going."

"......"

My voice was a little rougher than I intended. "The storm's letting up, and I've already been gone too long." I forced a smile. "Don't want the coach to think I've defected."

"......"

I gave her shoulder one last, awkward pat. "Try to get some sleep, Su Ah Noona. Don't stare at that blank page all night."

She just nodded, not looking at me.

I turned around. She stood up, seeing me off until the door.

"Jae-il." Su Ah said, her voice barely audible.

I paused at the doorway, my back to her.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"The gift."

I chuckled. "I'll be giving you a lot more, after I win the Cup."

She laughed, crossing her arms. "Why?" She asked, head slightly cocked, an air of suspicion in her eyes. "Trying to bribe me into being nice to you?"

I turned to face her. "Maybe." I smirked. "Is it working?"

She looked away, her cheeks flushed a delicate pink. "Maybe."

I shook my head, a genuine smile finding its way onto my face as I stepped forward, and much to Su Ah's surprise, enveloped my arms around her lither frame. It was a simple, chaste hug. The kind a brother gives a sister. A hug I should've given the moment I'd walked in.

I felt her stiffen in my arms, her body going rigid with shock. Then, slowly, hesitantly, she relaxed. Her arms came up and wrapped around my waist, her hands resting on my back. She buried her face in my chest, her hair tickling my chin.

She smelled so good.

We stood like that for a long moment.

"Stay safe, Noona."

"Hmhm."

"Eat lots of healthy food. Get lots of sleep."

"Hmhm."

"Don't go out at night."

"Hmhm."

"Don't talk to strangers."

She lightly punched my arm. "I know!"

I grinned. "Don't trust anyone who says they're a writer, they're probably just a loser with a blog."

That got a muffled laugh out of her. I felt the vibration of it against my chest. "Fine."

I held her for another second, then reluctantly let go. "And..." Just enough to look at her. "Don't be too hard on yourself. You're brilliant." I lightly tapped her forehead. "And you know it."

"......"

I backed off into the hallway, giving Su Ah one last wave before closing the door.

Slowly, I made my way downstairs, my footsteps soft on the carpet. I gave one last look at the living room. I missed it. I missed my family. Missed these walls. Missed the smell of this house.

Even though things had derailed lately. Even though I felt like I was going crazy with the direction my thoughts had taken. I still found so much comfort coming back here. I had people waiting for me here. Watching me. Cheering for me.

My room was still being cleaned regularly; I could come back anytime I wanted.

It was something I had lost in my other life. I had only lived for myself.

I put my shoes on.

And then I was out door, into the chilly, rainy night.