200 — This Failed Marriage

Eun Ha's POV:

'My boy's... h-holding my hand...!!'

Her chest constricted painfully, and it became increasingly hard to breath properly as she stared in silent horror down at their hands. Jae-il probably sensed her embarrassment and concern and took a step backward, withdrawing his hand away.

Eun Ha tried not to cry.

He was not really holding her hand. His fingers merely rested atop of her clenched palm, the most insignificant point of contact, yet—

"Are you okay?"

"Y-Yes!"

"Are you sure? You look a little red." His voice lowered, hinted with concern.

"You think so... hahaha!" Eun Ha attempted a pathetic smile. "Maybe I'm just hot... I mean! Haha! What I meant to say was... maybe... I'm feeling a bit... warm, ha-hahahaha." She clamped her lips shut when he kept watching her, eyes too sharp for her liking. "Probably a little tired. Had to rush everything since your father was back earlier than I thought..."

"Right..."

"Just need to lie down for a moment..."

"Hmm..." Jae-il nodded.

For a while, nothing passed between them. Jae-il still had that deep, inscrutable gaze. Eun Ha looked around, awkward. Her heart just wouldn't shut up.

"... can we talk, Mom?" Jae-il asked out of the blue. "There's something we've been needing to... address."

She gulped. 'N-No way?!'

The devil on her shoulder had returned, pointing the finger of accusation back and forth. She couldn't stand to look at Jae-il—was her disgusting, vile, lewd secret too easy to detect, painted across her face and body and clothes, all over the room, like the bloody prints of a murder...

"Umm..." Eun Ha was at the point where a screaming fit might've seemed more sane than answering, but her feet had also decided to join her errant tongue in rebellion.

"Let's speak inside my room."

What could she have done? Refused him? She gave him the best, brightest, most beautiful smile, the motherly, loving, gentle, understanding one... and stepped into her room and disappeared into an abyss.

'I want to be a good mother.' Eun Ha thought to herself as Jae-il closed the door and the world dropped into eerie quiet.

She needed to hear him say whatever this is, whether this was the talk that every mother had feared for the longest time—she had to listen, accept, and confront him in a dignified, composed, respectful manner, whether or not it had something to do with what she knew was happening around the house, perhaps beneath her very own eyes.

Or something else entirely.

This was the way she'd been taught to conduct herself. As a mother. This was her role, her rightful duty. Even in her hysteria, even knowing everything there was to know, Eun Ha recognized that and did her very best to cling to those noble virtues.

A few slow and heavy seconds crawled along.

She knew without looking that her boy stood just behind, hands most likely clasped behind his back.

Eun Ha slowly sat on the bed, facing away, unable to look him in the eyes. She braced herself, and thought, 'Okay... you got this.'

He was, after all, her baby. Even if she hadn't felt or treated him like such for the better part of the past few weeks. But she had to maintain her composure.

Jae-il sat down beside her, quite close too. Enough that she unconsciously ran a hand through her hair. Were they a mess? Did she smell? Did Jae-il ever think that—?

Her poor, ragged heart shuddered like a butterfly dying in the snow, and if there wasn't enough reason to give a damn, her traitorous body seemed intent on making up for lost time and embarrassments in that regard, because despite the intense self-reprimanding going on, it persisted in setting her on fire from the inside.

'Please God. Help me through this.'

"Mom?"

"Yes...?"

Somehow, she managed not to stutter out that simple word. Her lips weren't numb, were they?

"You've been behaving weirdly—"

Eun Ha's heart dropped straight into a black hole and stopped beating, her organs turned to stone.

"—Around Dad." Jae-il clarified.

Her throat nearly collapsed inward upon hearing that unexpected continuation.

"D-Dad...?" Eun Ha squeaked out.

The bed shifted again, a little closer. Jae-il had gotten fucking close!

Eun Ha thought she had finally managed to build some mental armor, to convince her stupid, girly brain that she wasn't attracted to her boy, and hadn't thought about those sorts of things... but all of a sudden, it was so easy for all of her restraint to go spiraling right off the edge.

An undignified and very unmotherly blush crept over her, and in spite of her absolute lack of experience, some of the worst, lewdest parts of her body that she had assumed were safely dormant, were slowly stirring awake.

Eun Ha scooted away, subtly. And if Jae-il noticed her slight retreat, his tone never revealed it, as calm and gentle as always.

"Well, I did tell you some time ago that we'd have this discussion, eventually. I can't simply ignore something like this, can I?"

"Uh?"

"It's the same conversation we had before. Something's wrong between you two. Even more so lately. And I just can't help but feel this weird... protective impulse, you know? If something happened between the two of you—"

'My heart's a goddamn watermelon in the Sahara.' Eun Ha pressed her trembling hand over the very important organ.

"Uhm... about that?"

Jae-il looked at her, quietly.

"Yes, about that..."

Eun Ha twisted her hands and felt a crushing embarrassment.

He was referring to his observation regarding the escalating cold war between Yeong Gu and Eun Ha. Yet her dirty, dirty mind only made it about her.

To be honest, she wasn't sure about whether her subconscious still believed herself to be married or not. Even a simple kiss on the lips had become a distant memory. They were simply coexisting; not a single hint of romance.

"Jae-il..."

She glanced over, seeing Jae-il watching her closely, and sighed heavily. She really didn't want to talk about this, and even if she did, he wouldn't understand, so why bother? Why bring him into this? He had no need to know. He'd just stress about his mother and be pissed off.

In any case, the more she explained, the worse she felt.

"Dear, it's nothing important..."

"Please, Mom. Don't give me this bullshit. Don't insult my intelligence like that." He was always direct when it comes to these types of situations. Eun Ha never felt afraid of his sudden sternness.

But he was also determined, and wasn't going to relent.

"You'd better have a good explanation." Jae-il continued, arms crossed over his chest, frowning and stern like any decent son would be when his father is suspected of being a bastard. Then again, for all he knew, it could've been her at fault, perhaps. Maybe his mother had a dark past and wasn't the sweet and caring mother he knew her to be?

"Why are you behaving as if Dad and you aren't married to each other?"

There it was, the big question she wanted to avoid answering.

Jae-Il watched her quietly. He could tell her stubbornness was being put to a test of time, and by the look on his face he was preparing for a long wait.

She couldn't even postpone this kind of conversation. It was long overdue and due a fair judgement, but she was trapped in the lion's cage. There were no two ways about this.

Eun Ha cringed.

How could a person act cold around their spouse if there was genuine love in the first place? A deep sense of care and protectiveness. Of course he'd notice. Of course everyone would notice.

"Jae-il... I don't want you to resent your father, you two have such a good relationship. It would be devastating for him and for you..."

"Well that's great that you're worried about me, Mom." He scoffed. "What about your marriage though? Is that no longer worth worrying over, anymore?"

"You don't get it!"

Eun Ha yelped. That was the worst thing she could've said, right after "Don't ask me, it's not your business", but her nerves were rapidly disintegrating..

"Then, help me get it." He offered her, his words strained.

But what could she have possibly said that would make him not hate or distrust or resent his own father? She didn't want further changes in the house. She was devastated already as is.

How was it even possible for this to continue with no change...?

"This is difficult for me..." Eun Ha let out a heavy exhale, shaking slightly. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again, her chest so tight she could not force out the words. She should just get over it. "Yes, your father and I... something's off."

It's not like she could've kept this lie alive for much longer, and if she didn't tell her boy anything soon enough, the suspicions were sure to arise sooner rather than later.

It was better for them both if he heard the truth coming from his mother's mouth and not some secondhand, twisted rumor from someone else, or from Yeong Gu himself.

"......"

"It's... it's our marriage, and your father's actions."

"Tell me..."

Jae-il was eager to hear the story.