196 — Growing Tension III

Eun Ha's POV:

The room quieted at the question.

And her heart suddenly stopped.

No.

Eun Ha felt blood drain from her face. Why? Why did he have to go ask that? The pan slipped in her sweat-slick palms—nearly clattering to the floor, but she caught it, setting it down beside the stove with a soft thud.

No one noticed her clumsy act; both the men at the table were far too deep in conversation to pay attention to her sudden frazzle.

"Heh." Yeong Gu leaned back, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. "No need to be shy, son. Just wondering about your interests these days. It's been a while since we had a little chat."

Jae-il's chopsticks hovered mid-air, a clump of rice tilting precariously over his plate. For three solid seconds, silence stretched tight. Every maternal fiber in Eun Ha's body screamed at her to intervene. She was not liking the direction of this conversation, but at the same time, she dared not raise any conflict or rouse any suspicion.

After all, it was nothing out of ordinary for a father to be interested in their son's relationships, right? Especially Jae-il who had so far lived a pretty disciplined, clean and 'wholesome' lifestyle. It would make perfect sense for him to wonder whether the kid had finally reached the dating age.

Yet why... why did she feel as though the devil itself had its hand wrapped around her wrist, pulling her closer and closer into the center of a massive storm she had no intention to get lost in? Why were her daughters' bedroom suddenly looming inside the periphery of her thoughts, causing the palms holding the spatula to be moist and her lips to suddenly turn cold?

This wasn't right.

She did not approve at all.

Then Jae-il chuckled—this easy, disarming sound that was completely free of worry or discomfort.

"Not really focused on that right now. All my energy's going to the pitch."

A decent enough answer if the conversation ended there. Except Yeong Gu's eyes glittered like coins.

Eun Ha hoped and wished that this topic didn't become a habit in their daily breakfast discussion. She made sure not to look too much into it, but her hopes quickly became fruitless.

"Well, that's okay! Just curious, since you seem very mature. Guess I've been a bit of a lousy parent since you don't really speak about these kinds of things often. You've become such a man! A pro athlete, handsome enough you could live off of that alone, and a successful future ahead. Oh, and all these women from across the country that are watching you… must be tough for you to keep track of, haha!" Yeong Gu laughed, proud of his little, nearly adult creation. "Ah. Say, I have an idea!"

Dread crept into every cell, but Eun Ha plastered on her normal expression as she now fully stopped tinkering with kitchen utensils and turned around to stare at her husband.

"You know, my business associate over at Kim Holdings has a daughter. I recall meeting her at one of those corporate gatherings a few years back—bright young woman, impeccably mannered with a sharp intellect. Excellent academic record from Seoul National, now following in her father's footsteps. A true heiress."

Eun Ha kept her posture stoic. Jae-il had gone unusually still.

"Imagine how well you'd hit it off!" The words coming out of Yeong Gu's lips sounded foreign, but familiar, and the worst thing was that Eun Ha knew he meant well for his only son. She knew this, and yet.... the disappointment, the upset, the sense of unfairness threatened to drown her. "What if I told you an introduction might be worthwhile? Kim practically owns half of Gangnam. You could call it networking, if nothing else."

Eun Ha's jaw slackened slightly. There was a dangerously high chance Jae-il was too well-mannered to immediately turn down the stupid matchmaking her equally stupid husband was pushing on towards their fifteen year old son.

All the utensils she'd been using lay next to her, momentarily forgotten.

She just stared into nothing—awareness was a long journey.

She couldn't make sense of her own feelings, but Jae-il reacted swiftly, putting his chopsticks aside and giving the barest smile.

"You really don't have to. Not really interested in arranged marriages."

She heard herself breathe out. That small act broke through the terrible storm of jealousy, rage, and self-loathing, just enough to allow a sense of reality to slam through the walls. She grabbed onto the edges of the counter for support.

"Success knows success, son. Just saying. Kim has a lovely daughter. Dangerously smart, pretty as they come, talented." Yeong Gu ticked off every attribute as though reading a menu, complete with a smidgen of pride for a son who had all those traits as well. "Think about it, son. Your career in football is all but assured, but it's a dangerous sport to bet everything on, what with injuries being as inevitable as passing periods in school. An alliance with them would help open doors no matter the future path you choose."

He winked as though it was the most natural course of events.

As for Eun Ha, everything from her gut and her bones had her in a chokehold, chanting in furious beats.

"Dear...?" She finally spoke up, bringing more coffee to the table as an excuse to insert herself into the conversation. "Jae-il said he's not interested, shouldn't we respect that?"

"Huh." Yeong Gu scratched his hair as a chill ran down his spine. Eun Ha's eyes were friendly but distant as she looked down at him, with the hot mug of coffee in her hand. Oh, it'd take very little to let it spill accidentally and burn a large blister onto his scalp. "Of course, I didn't mean to pressure him or anything." He turned towards Jae-il. "Just asking you to consider the opportunity, son. Hahaha—" He threw his head back and laughed good-naturedly.

Eun Ha bit her bottom lip and quickly retreated behind the safety of her cooking station before she chucked something towards Yeong Gu for the preposterous suggestion.

"I understand where you're coming from, and I appreciate the sentiment, but I'd rather not get involved with someone so deeply entrenched in the political life of a company, where my own image can be used and exploited to further some type of agenda." Jae-il said, giving it some thought. "If my match can only be determined by net worth and connections, then the whole basis for a relationship is off, right? To me, it's important to date someone because of their character, not some lofty social goals."

Eun Ha closed her eyes, smiling slightly. The first genuine throb of happiness she'd felt this morning.

"......"

Yeong Gu looked thoroughly chastised, the smug look disappearing from his face. "Didn't mean to go over the line. Guess I got too enthusiastic. You're smart, Jae-il, it's just that...."

He laughed and placed a firm hand over the kid's shoulders.

"... I'm so damn proud of you. Every day I wake up and wonder how can a guy like me raise someone so responsible and intelligent? Son, you'd do great. You could do anything. And sometimes a guy can get a little crazy over it. But as your father, it's my job to steer you clear of the big pile of crap that might cause you to miss great opportunities in life."

Eun Ha felt ashamed.

At him, and then at herself.

Just shame, everywhere.

Why was it that he could see everything through this one lens of success, but when it came to his wife, she was lucky she even received an affectionate comment on any given day?

But it wasn't a new feeling.

And shame and the stabs of self-doubt was the easy part, even as the green-eyed monster roiled and steamed in the back of her mind, begging to be let out.

No, the thing that gnawed and worked into the nerves was the fear of losing Jae-il in every sense, and the conflicting feeling of watching the husband she came to resent and grow cold towards, merely looking out for his own son's success and happiness, regardless of how he went about it.

It would have been kinder, more realistic, and more motherly, to wish a nice lady upon him, as they say.

And last year, probably, she could see herself getting behind the idea of Jae-il dating the heiress of an important corporation. Now, even the idea of Jae-il simply holding another girl's hand made her irrationally upset.

Was she becoming too obsessed, too demanding?

Is that what she'd become—possessive and neurotic?

Were Dr. Han's sessions even working?

When Jae-il's expression shifted to a softer and gentler one, it felt as though a snake she didn't even realize coiled around her lungs finally slackened its grip.

"Well, I'm really not interested, but I am happy knowing you care about my future so much." He grinned. "But I've got this. I know where to look to find happiness."

"Hah, that's my boy!"

Yeong Gu slung an arm over Jae-il's shoulder.

Something about the tone, the certainty and confidence in it, finally released something vital in Eun Ha. Her posture melted.

Jae-il never doubted himself in the least, it made her proud yet regretful that he never really needed parental guidance, either as a kid or now. He was on his own road, walking forward without ever second-guessing himself.

So, why regret?

After all, isn't a mother's and a father's duty to support and love their children unconditionally?

Where has her love gone, instead, buried six feet under by those haunting nightmares that seemed to seep into her life like some unseen corrosion?

Why was it that, ironically, it was Yeong Gu himself doing a better job as a parent than she's been doing recently?

When her guilt peaked and a voice called her, Eun Ha saw only one image.

Oh…

'You're slowly losing it… badly, irreparably. No turning back, Mom.'

She gasped as the very pigment of her worst fears materialized in a semi solid state before her eyes. There was a slight difference to him that she couldn't quite pinpoint, at first.

Phantom Jae-il, now next to her, leaning against the counter and watching Yeong Gu and the real Jae-il.

She gulped. 'Why are you here…?'

'I don't even have to do anything... anymore.'

'W-What are you talking about?!' Eun Ha shifted restlessly, snapping her eyes back and forth between both Jae-ils, hoping Yeong Gu didn't notice her weird behavior.

She had to maintain some semblance of normalcy.

Phantom Jae-il chuckled. 'Look at you. All this panic over your husband wanting to set me up with some random corporate princess. You used to fear the thought of me and my sisters, and now you fear the thought of me with anyone else... isn't this proof that the disease has spread? It looks mid to late stage, to me. I could be wrong, though. You're succumbing to this madness. You're going crazy with love. Look at me…'

Eun Ha stared, in shock, as Phantom Jae-il's form appeared fainter than usual. He was looking at his hand too, as if marveling at the new coat of transparency and opacity he had gained.

And then he turned those nearly see-through eyes towards a gaping Eun Ha.

'What do you think this means to you, Mom? I'm disappearing, and it's not because you're healing. Soon enough, you won't see me anymore.'

'......'