119 — My Insanity’s an Artist
Su Ah's POV:
Jae-il stared.
Seconds passed.
"Help, huh?"
He was laughing, now. And to the untrained, inexperienced ears of the passing pedestrian, he was truly laughing.
He wasn't, though.
His laughter had a cutting, nervous edge. Like he knew this was a very, very bad idea but couldn't muster the words. Or that the back of his mind, where all those calculations and decisions were made, already made a choice for the girl and himself, and there was nothing left for him to do.
She watched the muscles in his neck pulse.
And while this shouldn't have been funny at all, and the seriousness of what lay before him should've scared Jae-il instead of entertaining the little devil inside him, he kept chuckling, his eyes squinting, his nose scrunching, and his mouth twisting.
"What kind of help, Noona?" Jae-il's fitful of hysteria slowly subsided and he cleared his throat.
Su Ah hadn't realized her leg had been nervously bobbing until her shoe scuffed the table leg, hard, and she saw him glance down at the clattering bottles and glasses. She twirled a chock of hair between her fingers. "Help writing a scene. Well, not just one particular scene, but a bit more. In general."
"Writing a scene..."
She couldn't decipher his tone.
"Yeah. Is that okay? Help with the research."
She had nothing to lose.
There was nothing that could make a guilty situation any more guiltier than it currently was.
The snake hissed and rose its head, flicking its forked tongue in the direction of the forbidden fruit.
Su Ah's eyes, unbeknownst to her, were glowing ever so lightly. And it was not the kind of sparkle that should've come from an innocent person who was just asking their cute younger brother for a silly little favor.
In reality, Su Ah wanted something a little different from what she said. But because she didn't know if that kind of situation would scare Jae-il, she had to disguise her own longing to get the taste, the texture, the touch of her dear brother under her tongue and under her fingertips.
It wasn't like she wanted to have him whole, no, not just yet anyway, not entirely.
She'd start small.
Something he'd surely accept.
No strings attached.
"Noona..."
Su Ah stared at her younger brother, unable to help her urge of drinking him in. He was really, really, attractive, his light skintone perfectly complimenting his violet eyes, full, black hair and athletic build. She could barely hold her trembling hands any more and had to plant her fists on the table to control the shaking.
"Jae-il... I have..." She licked her lips, breathing out, composing herself. "A few ideas regarding what I could include in a specific scene. Well, actually, it's kind of stupid."
He closed his eyes, took a sip, then opened them again. "Tell me."
If there was one thing Su Ah knew she could exploit, it was Jae-il's willingness to go to extreme lengths to make his sisters happy. Not to say he was a puppy dog that'd follow every command. Su Ah knew Jae-il would not allow someone to push him around. But a favor. An idea. A creative writing question. An innocent help request...
From Su Ah.
From his dear Noona.
Her heart pulsed with a dark satisfaction perfectly gift-wrapped around guilt.
Would this completely ruin their relationship?
Or make it stronger?
Either outcome seemed bad, honestly, given their status as siblings. But in her desperate, frantic search for pleasure, and in her love-blind state, her common sense and morality slowly blurred away, and in its place rose a monster, a being full of sick desire, longings, and yearning to do unimaginable acts for the purpose of becoming even just a little sated.
She had even written a little poem about it in her diary. One of the many scribbles she jotted down with the very same pen he gave her.
'My insanity's an artist
No limits on the heights to which it flies,
When the air is still, the wind won't give,
I'm still in flight and sinking too—
Sinking fast.'
She'd written those words quite a while ago, back when walking away from the obsession still felt like the sane choice. When the quiet voice in her head was louder than the ache between her legs. When guilt still outweighed the rush that came with sliding her fingers beneath the waistband of her panties and remembering the way he looked at her.
Su Ah paused, taking a deeper breath. She had to sell the act. Couldn't come across as overly eager, but more like a frustrated writer who was just hitting a dead end. "You remember that... kiss?" She leaned in to whisper, cupping a hand around her mouth. She wasn't disclosing a state secret, obviously, but keeping their conversation private did make her feel slightly less anxious.
Jae-il, to his credit, showed no reaction. His brows didn't furrow in concern. Still, that small show of pokerfacedness probably told her far more than if he was nodding his head in vigorous agreement.
After a long few moments, Jae-il raised a glass to his lips, sipping slowly, still not saying a single word. "Where are you going with this?"
He had seen through it, she noted with some relief and exasperation.
Su Ah fidgeted with the edge of her sleeve, then forced herself to meet her brother's eyes. She lowered her voice anyway, like the walls had ears. "I went back to that scene I wrote—the one I… borrowed our kiss for."
She felt her cheeks burn the second the words left her mouth, but she pushed on. "It's awful. Like, painfully boring. The kind of kiss people skim past because they've read it a thousand times."
"......"
She exhaled, half-laughing at how ridiculous this conversation was. "I need it to feel real. Messy. The way your heart slams when someone's tongue actually touches yours for the first time, or how you forget to breathe because their lip is caught between your teeth and it's too good to stop. The heat, the little sounds, the other person makes… all of it."
She shrugged, trying to play it off like it was purely professional, even though her pulse was sprinting. "Basically, I need to stop writing teenage Disney kisses and write, well, the adult kind. You get what I'm saying?"
Jae-il sniffed, pausing momentarily, still maintaining his perfectly blank facade.
Su Ah waited, biting her lower lip.
"So..." He exhaled, putting his glass back on the table. "You want us to—"
"Practice. Only for this one scene. And maybe some more stuff later. I'm not good at romance, never had experience of the sorts, and the lack of actuality, you know, in terms of research makes it really hard to write such stuff, even with the Internet." She swallowed. It was her time to inhale deeply, a shaky exhale passing her lips. "Does that sound... okay?"
"......"
"Is that okay?"
Jae-il didn't speak. She knew she'd gone too far. But there was no turning back now. She could hear the engine of this speeding freight train, as if it had finally gained the momentum needed, rushing past the signals, past the danger signs, straight towards a massive crash site that'll result in a national crisis and possibly a world record of 'most morally fucked-up relationship ever.'
"Noona..."
"Y-Yes...?"
She nearly bit her tongue off in anxiety.
"I'm overstepping a boundary here, but I feel like, at this point, I have the right to ask you this. Well, confirm it, at least."
Jae-il leaned back in his chair, arms crossed. Su Ah thought there'd be disgust, shame, fear in those violet orbs. Perhaps hatred. Disdain. Something. Anything. But the atmosphere between them was surprisingly judgement-free, as if what the two siblings were discussing over a glass of drink was an entirely mundane and casual matter.
"Uh-huh?"
She urged him to go on.
He blinked. Once, twice. Then...
"Are you a virgin?"
"Keeuhk!"
"You good?" Jae-il asked. He didn't look fazed. Like he hadn't asked the most outrageous question possible. Su Ah nodded her head, swallowing the lump in her throat and giving her younger brother the okay-sign.
"Ye-Yeah. All fine."
"I need a yes or a no, here, Noona." He continued, undeterred.
"That's... that's." She bit her bottom lip in shame, then sighed. What was the point of denying it? Wasn't it already painful obvious? "Yes, Jae-il. I am. I wouldn't be asking you if I was experienced, would I?" She scoffed.
"Now, listen to this." Jae-il played around with his empty glass. The ice cubes, still partially intact, tumbled over each other, making a satisfying clatter in the process. The young man frowned ever so lightly. "What would happen if you ever decide to write graphic things between a man and woman, without having ever experienced it yourself, hm?"
He flicked his gaze up to her face.
"......"
"I don't know the full details of what you're writing, but in the beginning a chaste, quick peck on the lips was the only you needed to get out of your writing funk, right?"
Su Ah nodded, numbly. "Ah. Right, yeah. Yes. Correct."
"Now, it appears the peck isn't enough. If a simple, quick kiss is not enough to solve the problem... what would happen if you were to suddenly be faced by a scene that goes into intimate, sexually explicit detail?"
"J-Jae-il..."
"Because, you said you're not experienced, and therefore can't accurately convey the feeling of the act itself, yes? Which is why you are approaching me, yes?"
"Well..."
"What will happen if, for example..." He stopped playing with the glass. And stared straight at her. "If you were to ever decide that something even more intimate and detailed was necessary for your writing style and needs, something far beyond a kiss, how would you then get around your problem?"