117 — Corrosion of Restraint II
Su Ah's POV:
The chat stayed mute.
The green eye blinked, blinked, then went gray.
Su Ah’s stomach dropped like a stone in still water.
He saw it. He read it. And now he’s gone.
She stared at the 'delivered' tag until the letters blurred.
The silence stretched.
She pictured him in front of the dorm’s bathroom mirror, towel around his hips, water dripping from his hair, thumb frozen over the screen. His mouth open in a silent 'What the hell, Noona?'
It was torture, and the longer Su Ah waited, the uglier her scowl carved itself into her face, until every muscle felt locked in a snarl. But the rage wasn’t really for Jae-il. It was for herself.
Because how desperate did she have to be to chase her little brother like a common street whore, especially when the woman should have some goddamn pride. She was more than a slave to her instincts or sexual release than she'd like to admit.
She was more than a fool.
Wasn't she?
In truth, she never really expected anything. It wasn't so easy to throw caution and reason out the window. Su Ah was neither optimistic nor naive. Her sense of self-preservation hadn't entirely fled. She always carried the doubt and worry inside her, as if there was an invisible safety net between herself and complete ruin.
A minute passed.
Her eyes stung a little.
She wondered if he was cooking up an excuse to tell her. Perhaps something like 'I don't feel so well' or maybe 'tomorrow, it's late. Maybe another time?'
Su Ah knew that Jae-il was busy, that he had important things to attend to. Semis were coming up; he needed rest, not emotional bullshit from his crazy sister who, apparently, had one too many fantasies to think and do crazy shit for.
But seriously, what was even wrong with her wanting to see him for a bit? Just to meet his eyes, smell his scent, have a few nice words and a chit-chat. That was something the two siblings always used to do in their younger days, back when the world was smaller and the word wrong hadn’t yet learned their names.
Another minute bled away.
The screen stayed dead.
Su Ah’s thumb hovered, ready to hammer out an apology—sorry, drunk, ignore me—when the phone buzzed so violently it nearly leapt from her grip.
Jae-il: At Blue Eleven on Central avenue. See you in thirty. Be careful.
There it was. A thrill like nothing else. An ice cold drop of clarity to wake her. A pure rush of adrenaline she hadn't had in such a long, long time. A moment of perfect awareness, her whole existence focused on a single goal.
A grin stole its way to Su Ah's mouth and she rose. A laugh tore out of her.
This.
This.
This.
Her smile came slow.
What did she expect?
Perhaps a lousy explanation.
An excuse.
But there was none.
She went straight to the shower, took less than a minute, didn't even bother waiting for the hot water to warm her. When she came out, dripping water, she tore her closet apart. No. That wasn't nice. Those shoes would give her a blister in half an hour. That top made her look like she got knocked-up. She swore, tossed it over the bed, and dove for another drawer.
Minutes later, her make-up kit, like an over-decorated metal jewellery case, was opened and dumped on the table.
Su Ah briefly stared at herself in the mirror. Her hair had grown longer; she liked to keep it on the shorter side, just below her jaw line, but from what she had gathered, Jae-il preferred long, flowy hair.
'Should I dye it as well?' She hummed, idly curling a chock between her fingers.
Mia had done so, and it seemed to have worked spectacularly for her, because their brother's interest in the older girl was ever so present.
She thought about Jae-il's eyes lingering on Mia.
Imagined his violet eyes on her.
They sparkled, like dew on a spiderweb.
One couldn't resist taking the tiniest step closer.
Su Ah had never been someone who was particularly insecure about her appearance. But today, that feeling seemed to have materialized in the form of some anxiety and trepidation over what to wear to attract the young man. Attract. Of all the possible things Su Ah could've been doing right now, like writing, reading or catching up on the latest k-drama, or better yet, sleeping—she was choosing the one that would undoubtedly have a disastrous result.
She was making herself pretty for her little brother.
And that idea was exhilarating as it was disgusting.
God.
It was disgusting, wasn't it?
Guilt and arousal did a vicious little dance in Su Ah's gut. Then they shook hands.
She refused to feel shame for anything.
What she was doing was human. Natural. Instinctive. Not crazy at all.
There were thousands upon millions of cases of sexual relationships in history, all throughout the different cultures, social environments and hierarchal patterns.
She’d been thinking about this a lot.
Brother and sister sex? It had been around forever. They might get the weird looks, the stares, the curses, the glares and all kinds of hate.
But who cares, honestly.
'We're not animals. We're civilized humans. Humans whose thoughts, desires, lusts and longings are as varied and complex as a landscape.'
Besides, Su Ah merely wanted to see him. Nothing more, nothing less. If anything beyond this mundane and innocent little meeting were to happen, then so be it.
Su Ah stood in front of her vanity and stared blankly at the girl looking back. Pale skin. Black hair. Pouty, sakura lips that naturally stood out.
She was beautiful, a genetic gift she never thought she'd be truly grateful about before. But today was the day of many surprises.
A pair of jeans.
A black hoodie.
A lollipop to keep her mouth busy.
Slipping on a pair of shoes, Su Ah quickly bolted out of the house. For one brief, stupid moment, she was having second thoughts.
As if the entire time she busied herself choosing what to wear and applying make-up had been some ridiculous dream and the reality only set in when the night air slapped her awake.
But Su Ah, beyond the fading whispers of 'stop now before it's too late', all she could feel was exhilaration. Almost dizzying, that intense thrill, her heart humming, the air in her chest going thin.
She looked up at the stars; she always loved them. It was that vast sense of mystery, depth, and possibilities that each one of those twinkling lights offered. She loved the distance, the longing.
Perhaps, beyond space and time, a parallel world, one not governed by rules and societal and religious expectations existed. One that didn't force her to feel sick when she thought about the boy she was seeing tonight.
A comet would be soon racing across the sky. And when the moment came, she wanted to make a wish.
With a light smile on her face, Su Ah quickly made her way over to Blue Eleven.
...
She'd never admit to having ran into three red-light crossings while trying to get there fast, nor that she nearly tripped once after breaking into an over-excited little jog when she spotted it in the distance.
Blue Eleven was a narrow bar wedged between a closed pharmacy and a 24-hour pojangmacha. The sign flickered—the E was dead, so it read Blu Eleven.
Su Ah slowed to a walk, breath fogging. Her sneakers squeaked. The lollipop stick was gone, chewed to splinters somewhere between the third red light and the sprint. She still rolled the stick in her mouth. Its core tasted sweet.
She spotted Jae-il before he saw her.
She couldn’t quite pinpoint how or what about him it was, some subtler grace he moved with. He had a calm confidence most men were missing these days. Some didn’t even bother to grow a personality past a car model or whatever clothes they could throw on and how many shots they could down at the clubs, whereas Jae-il...
He leaned against the wall, cap low, hands in the pockets of a windbreaker two sizes too big.
His dark hair spilled under the hem. His head dipped. Eyes unfocused, seemingly lost in his own headspace.
Her lungs exploded. She burst forward, before slowing down a little. No way she'd be seen running in such eagerness to get there. That'd be... yeah, it would have been pathetic.
"You came." Jae-il tilted his head, eyes crinkling. His voice was a little rough, like he’d been shouting all day and barely saved enough volume for now. It was kinda sexy, actually. That little rasp that carried each note.
"You had any doubts?" Su Ah turned her nose up, eyes slightly narrowing. "Do you know your sister or not, little bro?"
His smile froze for a single, terrible second. Then the curves of his lips slanted ever higher, like there was nowhere else they could possibly go. But for an infinitesimal instant, Su Ah could have sworn...
She could've sworn he was... concerned.
'But why—' She frowned to herself as they entered, Jae-il's palm gently squeezing the small of her back. She shuddered. If he went any lower, get a handful of—
'Calm down, you idiot.' Su Ah blinked hard to refocus, quietly following him.
He moved around like he'd been there before, leading her to a quiet corner of the bar, so far removed from the buzz and lights, you might have believed it had been just the two of them. It was perfectly tucked away in a shaded space. Light barely touched that table.
Even from here, she could see the cigarette butts and alcohol stains left by previous customers, and a messy spot near the stool's legs. Probably where someone had spilt a drink and was in a hurry to leave, without cleaning up after themselves.
Classy.
Not that she gave a damn about how clean or how dirty her surroundings were. For all she cared, they could've met under a bridge or something. It didn't matter where as long as she was with him. Still, Jae-il frowned, snatched some paper tissues and began cleaning up the mess, especially where she was supposed to sit.
Su Ah smiled, satisfied and a little more than amused that he'd pay so much attention to every single detail. Once done, she sat down, with him across from her. He shook off his windbreaker, and took his cap off. Su Ah was, once again, thrown off by how devilishly handsome her little brother was growing up to be. Or maybe it was just her mind getting skewed from her hyper-awareness.
'God, his face is even more striking with this light.' She thought.
"Hey."
His voice caught her eyes, sharp.
"Hm?"
"Noona, are you okay?" He tilted his head.
"Yeah?" She mumbled, his sudden deep and incredibly sweet sounding question catching her off guard. "Why wouldn't I be?" She sniffed.
He paused, contemplating, frowning, tapping one finger against the table. "Well, you wanted to see me so suddenly..."
"And since when is seeing a sibling a sudden thing to do?" Su Ah crossed her arms, arching one eyebrow. She had nothing to be afraid of. They were siblings. They could see each other. Nothing to be suspicious of. She knew it. He did as well. "Why, you didn't want to see me? If that's the case then I'll leav—”
"No." Jae-il's finger stopped tapping, his voice rising ever so lightly. The commanding tone made her groan inwardly. She felt a little unwanted moisture between her thighs. "That's not what I said."
"It isn't, yeah." Su Ah huffed, holding her chin with a hand. She stared at him. "Then relax. Why are you so tense?”
“Must be pre-match jitters.”
“Liar.” The edges of her lips curved ever so lightly in doubt. “For as long as I’ve known you, you never had jitters. Certainly not about football.”
He chuckled. “I’m not a machine, Noona.”
“Couldn’t tell from here.”
He exhaled. She blinked up at him. His mouth opened. “How’s writing going?”
“Very well.” Su Ah lied, mindlessly adjusting her hair. “Got a few new ideas. I’m also going back to one of the old ones, now that I’m over that stupid writer’s block."
“Is that so?”
A lie. A straight out lie.
She didn't have anything going on at all, aside from fantasizing and beating around the bush over the question at hand, because there was no easy or truthful way to go around saying 'Yeah, everything's shit. Been too busy fantasizing about you or staring at an empty Word document with absolutely no ideas. My sleep is equally deprecated, but that's not your concern. All I think about now is fucking you because apparently you're a big, hot piece of sex material I can't have. How are you, how's practice?'