Ch 1.55: Regrets

The walk back was a haze, Elaina doing her best to ignore what Carline had just told her. Once Tira had been patched up she’d left, promising not to say anything about what happened in the forest before the three of them could talk together. Her face seemed as stone when she left, but Elaina could hear the break in her voice.

Carline was next to her, but Elaina and her didn’t talk on the trek back. The watched as students went around the campus, examining the fallen Red Order members, picking up pieces of the armor-guards, and looking out for any human bodies that hadn’t been found yet.

It did seem safe now, at least, that the last remnants of their enemy had been picked off, or ran off, in the time that Elaina had been in the forrest. The air around them wasn’t one of victory though. Each student whipped their heads whenever Elaina would walk by, eyes wide with fear until they realized it was a human behind them. They didn’t look relieved when they realized that though, still terrified, like any second the fighting would resume.

Elaina could relate. She didn’t feel immediate danger, knowing that the commander of the enemy forces was dead at least, but there was a lingering dread. Myriala’s threat wasn’t hollow, she knew, her invasion not the climax. She was one piece of a larger force, one that would be coming in full eventually. And that might already by here in part, living in the same walls.

Alonse. He’d seemed like the person she could trust most. He still hadn’t done anything to make her distrust him, not that she knew, but Myriala’s words rang clearly in her head. The Stormshine’s had dealt with the Red Order in the past, and he had been conveniently absent when they attacked the school. Not enough to prove guilt, but enough to give her pause about revealing the System to him anyway. And if we can’t tell him about it, there’s no one at the school we can.

Worries for another time. She was walking through the north entrance now, and her attention was drawn to the floor anyway. It wasn’t exactly littered with bodies, but there was still a line of them, and any amount was enough to turn her stomach over. The wounded were further in, she knew, making all of these corpses, the once living. Automatons moved throughout, some dragging bodies, others placing sheets over them. It was disconcerting, seeing her fellow students carried around by the constructs like they were furniture or cleaning supplies instead of people, but the constructs themselves didn’t seem to care, just another job to them. The thought came back, the words that Carline had said, that Elaina had been trying to forget. At least it wasn’t—

Prisma. Elaina hadn’t expected to see her, to face her, not so soon anyway. She was huddled over a body, hand pressed into her face. Sobbing. Elaina froze, feet unwilling to go forward anymore.

“I really need to keep going,” Carline eventually said, standing next to Elaina. “They still need my help in the dining hall.”

“Yeah,” Elaina said, still looking at Prisma. “I’ll catch up in a bit.”

“Alright. Uhm, I’ll see you later then.” Carline shuffled off, breaking into a run after a few steps. She’ll probably get in trouble for having come after me, even if they fighting was over. Thoughts that only existed to distract her from the true problem.

She stepped forward, clutching Tira’s remaining jacket sleeve as she walked. In any other scenario she would have been the center of attention, but now even Elaina herself was ignoring her state of dress. Tira’s jacket was long enough for the most basic semblance of modesty, and that’s all that really mattered right now.

She stopped just behind Prisma, looking down at the body in front of her. This one wasn’t wearing the school uniform like most of the others, but a simple outfit, pants and shirt that Elaina could have seen herself or her parents having made back home. And I’m the one that killed her.

Ranlit. Elaina had hoped Carline was mistaken, that maybe the fencing teacher had been grievously wounded instead of outright killed, but that wasn’t the case. A stupid hope, Carline wouldn’t be capable of making a mistake like that with her aspect.

Ranlit was covered with a dark blue sheet that hid whatever wounds she would have been suffering from in her last moments. It should have been a mercy to Elaina, to not have to see the injuries, but she cursed the sheet in her mind instead. All it truly did was let her imagination go wild with horror after horror that might have been inflicted. It’d be better to know.

After a while Prisma looked up, tears no longer streaming down her face, but with red eyes, puffed cheeks. Until today the girl had only ever looked composed, graceful, but the past few hours had shattered that illusion in Elaina’s mind. Prisma was just a girl after all.

She stared into Elaina’s eyes, tears shaking in her own, causing them to quiver. “You’re okay.”

“Yeah…”

“Carline told me what you did.”

The stone in Elaina’s stomach dropped for a third time in the same day, sinking feeling going lower than Elaina had ever thought imaginable. She’d known Prisma and Ranlit were close, known she’d have to deal with this eventually, but she wasn’t ready, would probably never be ready. “I—”

“Thank you,” Prisma said, closing her eyes to shut off the flow of tears once more. “Thank you.”

Elaina stared as the girl grabbed at the blanket covering Ranlit, clutching the fabric beneath her fingers as she shook. “Prisma, I… I left her, alone.”

Prisma pulled up, wiping her face with her sleeve. “I already told you that Carline said what happened. You put the fence back up for her like she asked, and tried to draw those things away.”

“I abandoned her, Prisma. I mean—”

Prisma was already on her feet, arms wrapped around Elaina in a deep embrace. “She wouldn’t have stopped fighting while anyone else was in danger, no matter what. That’s why she died. Please don’t try and make it your fault. The only thing she would be mad at you for was putting yourself in more danger.”

Elaina stood there, dumbfounded, as tears started to well up in her own eyes for the first time since she heard the news. Why is she forgiving me? No, it wasn’t even forgiveness. Prisma was acting like there was nothing to forgive, but Elaina knew better than that. Still, there was a warmth to the embrace, even despite their soaking wet clothes and the chill of the breeze from the open door. She held Prisma back, squeezing tightly, with all her might, all her sorrow as she started to sob as well.

“E— Elaina! I can’t breathe!”

“Oh!” Elaina said as she let go, backing up and wiping her face. “Sorry, I, uhm, didn’t mean to press in that hard.”

Prisma huffed for a moment, catching her breath and sniffling. “Gods, you really are strong.”

Elaina blushed, biting her lip, trying to think of any way to change the topic. “Carline said Waine is okay?”

“Yeah.” Prisma turned back to Ranlit’s body, shaking her head. “Thank the gods for that at least. If both of them had died…”

Elaina looked down as well. “He’s really important to you, huh?”

Prisma paused. “He’s important to my family.”

“Right…”

“Did you find them? The person you went looking for in the forest?”

“Oh, yeah, I did.”

“And they’re alright?”

“Yeah, uhm, Carline helped them out.”

“That’s good.”

“Uh-huh.”

The shuffling of automatons, the sobs from the few students still walking the halls, the wind howling through the halls.

“Why didn’t you let me come with you?”

Elaina still didn’t really know herself. “Because I knew he was important to you— to your family, I mean.”

“Right… Thanks, I guess. I’m glad you’re both safe, but—” She swallowed, sniffling again, tears reforming. “It all worked out, you and Waine at least. Waine would’ve been hard for her, but if you had—” She glanced at Ranlit once more, choking off the end of her sentence and closing her eyes. “It’s really hard not to be mad at you for leaving me like that, but right now I’m just glad you’re both okay.”

Elaina was annoyed. Prisma was fine with her leaving Ranlit, her old fencing coach and friend, but mad that she didn’t want to leave Waine to die? She’s going through a hard time, but still. It wasn’t the time to address those frustrations though. “I’m, uhm, gonna go to the dining hall. I’m okay, but there’s a cut Carline didn’t fully heal yet so she could get back there.”

Prisma nodded. “I’m gonna stay here. I’m not… I’m not done saying bye yet.”

“Sure, of course. I’ll see you around?”

Prisma nodded again, wordless as Elaina walked off. The stone in her stomach didn’t seem as heavy anymore, but it was still there. She put her hand in her bag, running her fingers over the System, smooth crystal cool to the touch, sending her thoughts of what could’ve been if she’d let Prisma come with her.

“You did the right thing, Elaina,” the System said, startling her as she pulled her hand back.

“Did I?”

“I think so. Being the Administrator means making hard choices, and the most important thing is to make those choices. You did not hesitate, and in doing so saved the lives did.”

“I could have saved Ranlit if I’d stayed and fought.”

“Possibly. Or you could have died with her. Myriala could have found my main core, Prisma could have died in the other battle, Miss Strask could have died to Myriala herself. There is no way of knowing these things, either back then or now, so you can only keep going, keep making the hard choices. Regrets are not a luxury you can afford to have anymore.”

“No, regrets are important.” Elaina clenched her fingers together as she stepped into the dining room. “I need them if I’m going to get better at this.”