Chapter 5.1

I woke up with a start, tossing the blanket around me to the side and exposing my naked body to the cool air.

“Yulia,” I muttered in annoyance.

I’d forgotten all about Yulia and her dumb rules. She was going to be pissed, I realized. Looking around the room, I found that Victoria was nowhere in sight. Had she already left for class? As I glanced around the room, my eyes drifted over to the spare bed, where a roommate would typically sleep. It was still empty and clearly unslept in, with no sheets or blankets to cover it. Victoria had the room all to herself. I wondered if she...

I shook my head, dismissing the thoughts before they could form. No, I didn’t need a new roommate, I needed a way to get rid of this curse and get my life back to normal. I hopped up out of bed and began to slip back into my dress. As I pulled it over my head, the door opened.

Blinded as I was, I flailed and struggled as the material caught on my horns. After a few seconds of flailing, I wrestled it down over my head and looked over to the door. Victoria stood in front of me holding a half-eaten slice of ham and smiling. She snorted as she tried not to giggle, and I glared back.

“You startled me,” I accused, as I gently pulled the dress fully down past my wings.

“Sorry, I slipped out to grab some food before class real quick. You were so cute when you slept that I couldn’t bear to wake you up.”

I flushed a bit at her calling me cute. “Umm, right.” To my embarrassment, my words failed me, nothing better coming to mind.

She smiled again before a small frown crossed her face. “I don’t think I can go to the library with you tonight. I’ve got a big exam tomorrow, and I need to spend the night studying. Is that okay?”

I quickly nodded. “That’s fine. You should study. I’ll be okay.”

For a moment, she gave me a worried look, before her smile came back. “Awesome.”

Victoria finished eating and got ready to leave. Not long after, we parted ways outside her door. I smiled as she waved and walked down the hallway to my right. Watching her leave, I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d still be interested in me when I was plain old human Gordon again.

Briefly, I debated whether I should head to class, but ultimately decided it was better to just go back to the library. The quicker my life was back to normal, the better I figured, and I could deal with a few days of missed classes. What I didn’t want to deal with was Yulia’s complaints when I eventually had to go back to the room. Mentally, I grumbled at the idea. If I could find a way to become human again today, I’d have no need to go back. It wasn’t as though I had anything there I cared about. Decision made, I moved determinedly to the library.

I peeked through the large doors, hesitantly glancing over to the librarian. She was busy sorting through books up at the front, and I shot into the maze of shelves before she could spot and call out to me. Just being back in the library had a feeling of desperation welling up within me as I thought of what little progress I’d made in my search thus far and what little else I was likely to find here. The inevitable question popped into my mind. Would I eventually be able to change back? Yarev’s words from the night of my transformation haunted my mind. According to him, there was no cure. I was stuck like this. Was he honest in his declaration, or simply too lazy to search for an answer? I wanted to believe the latter, I’d never had much faith in Yarev, but what if he was right? What if there really was nothing to be done? And what would my family do once they found out? I couldn’t imagine they’d be pleased, to say the least. It was quite possible they had already found out about me and planned to do nothing. I wondered if I still even had a family to come home to… I doubted they would accept me as I was. If they didn't know yet, it was probably best they never found out, I admitted.

I walked forward, my eyes drifting down the rows of books once more not focussing on where I went, as though in a trance, while my mind continued to spiral. I didn’t want to accept it. Yet part of me had known it to be true all along, even if I’d been unwilling to believe it. I was stuck like this, a demon, forever. Perhaps this was the fate I ultimately deserved. I’d never really been a very good person. At best, I was much like the rest of the students at this school, a simple bully, looking out only for myself. Yet I didn’t want to imagine a life stuck as a succubus… a life stuck with Yulia.

As I stared off into the isles ahead, paying no attention to my path, my foot bumped into something along the floor, sending it skidding several feet forward. I stumbled toward it, bracing myself against the bookshelf to my left and landing on my knees. Glancing down, I saw a familiar book.

My eyes widened as I stared down at the Trelanomicon. It shouldn’t be here. My seeing it, much like yesterday, had to be a simple fever dream. It couldn’t be real. Hesitantly, I picked it up, touching the rough and very real cover. I knew some sort of foul magic was at play. It would be best to drop it here and forget about it, or at the very least tell the librarian. She would likely know what to do. And yet… my fingers itched to simply open the pages. Was this book my only true chance at changing back? I bit my lip.

Dropping the book back to the ground, I moved to stand up. Its back edge hit the floor and the book opened to a random page below me. My eyes were drawn to it with an unnatural pull, while my mind swirled at the incomprehensible words covering the pages. I couldn’t help but stare as they slowly rearranged themselves into something that made some amount of sense. My head felt faint, and a headache began to throb dully in my skull.

I tried to look away, to force my eyes away from the pages. Yet they stayed glued to them. As the words became sentences, slowly I read. Each consecutive word pulled my eyes toward it as my mind and sense of self-preservation went into a fogged limbo. After what was likely only a few minutes, but which felt like an eternity, I made it to the end of the page. My eyes blinked up away from the book and I sighed in relief. The strange trance-like state faded, and I found that my body had slumped down along the floor at some point. Dizziness overwhelmed me as I stood and used a bookshelf to steady myself. Taking several deep breaths, I realized with a start that I had the book clutched in my hands. I tossed it away from me, not daring to look in its direction in case it opened once more, and took several steps away from it.

What an evil thing.

After several more breaths, my mind organized itself enough to think once more. Did this book have a will of its own? And why was it seeking me out? How?

I stumbled away down the rows of bookshelves once again. Anything to put distance between myself and that monstrosity. Anything to keep me from going back and reading more, because I knew a part of me wanted to. I wanted to know how to change back. I wanted to know its secrets. It was like a whisper in my head, drawing me to it.

I shook my head, trying to keep my mind clear and focused, and then pinched my cheek. A firm slap to the face seemed to finally do the trick. It was only then that the fog that had taken over me fully cleared, and I put together the words of what I had read. The book truly did contain instructions on summoning creatures of the Above. The page that had been burned into my mind was all about how to summon one in particular. It described it as an intelligent creature and something fairly harmless. Yet could I even trust the word of such a foul book? It clearly had an intent of its own. I was more certain than ever that it had opened up to that page intentionally for me to read it.

It would be a pursuit of utter madness, yet if I wanted information on how to become human once again, I had a likely source. Somehow I could just feel that the book knew what I wanted, and whatever creature came would probably have answers. I’d already read the page and survived with my sanity intact, I reasoned. Could I truly do this? Part of me wondered if the book would keep seeking me out so long as I held any desire for its contents. Was that how it was finding me in the first place? Had my temptation to read it drawn the thing toward me? What I truly didn’t understand was how it had gotten into the library. I knew it had to belong to someone at the school, someone who had hidden it here. Whatever sense that made.

I sighed, pondering the contents of the page I’d read once more. I couldn’t do this, right? I couldn’t. Yet… I knew exactly how…

---

I was mad. I was insane. That stupid book had probably corrupted my mind. But I had to do this, I told myself. It was the only way, my only chance. As I put the final candle in place, they each lit up in a puff of flame from the ambient magic of the array they’d been placed in. I stepped back to look at my work.

The bedroom floor in front of me was clear. The ritual had been deceptively simple to put together. Quite a few candles, a meditative pose, and a bowl of lavender were all that was needed. The true trick was knowing the right words and getting into the correct state of mind. Chaotic magic was all about states of mentality, unlike demonic summoning, which often revolved around a sacrifice of some kind.

My hands fidgeted together, and I licked my lips. A pearl of sweat dripped down my neck. What a terrible idea this was. I closed my eyes, counted to ten, and then kneeled down.

---

I’d been on my knees for what felt like hours repeating the difficult chant. A few times, I’d even found myself going into a near trance. Yet nothing happened. I’d probably messed this spell up as well, just like the last one. Mentally, I sighed.

During all this, one thought kept coming back to me, circling within my mind. Was there really anything wrong with being a demon or succubus? Did it really make me lesser than humans, something deserving to be captured and tamed like a pet? I knew the answer. No, it didn’t. I was ultimately still me, still deserving to be treated with dignity. I knew this. The question kept coming back over and over again. But why? Why did I keep coming back to this? Why did it feel so important?

I shook my head. I needed to try and focus, forget about my feelings on being a succubus. Changing back was the right thing to do, even if my methods were more than questionable. I shifted my legs, trying to get them into a more comfortable position before once more trying to empty my mind as I chanted. Yet I still couldn’t focus. Another thought swam through my head, as though insisting I give it attention. Was it really better to risk my sanity and summon some dangerous creature than to stay as a succubus? I wanted to say yes, of course, but my gut churned at the automatic response. If I was honest with myself, there were some parts of the whole experience that I’d quite liked. I’d grown fond of my tail and wings, and I knew that I’d miss having them to stretch and sway about. Even my horns were kind of nice and the red smooth skin was fun and somehow intoxicating. I’d miss it, I’d even miss being a girl, I thought. After all, everyone knew girls were better anyways. All the sex had had its ups and downs. I wanted to hate it, yet the night with Victoria was one I could live over and over again. I just hated when people forced me into it. Sex should be consensual, I thought. I even liked being dominated, as shameful as it felt for me to admit.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. None of that mattered. This was what I had to do.

But... did I really want to go back to being plain old Gordon, the boy? I’d probably lose my relationship with Victoria. At the very least, it wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t feel right. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go back to being friends with Hamilt and Dwaine. I doubted they’d be able to see me the same way after all that had happened. No, I thought, that whole thing was over after what they’d done in the hallway. They didn’t deserve my friendship. There was a chance my parents would abandon me no matter what choice I made. At the least, I’d be a stain on the family for my “failure.” I wouldn’t be able to rely on them. I’d have to find my own way forward.

I didn’t want to be Gordon. The thought rang through my head, leaving me utterly bewildered that it had even popped into existence. I didn’t want to be Gordon. Was this really the conclusion I was coming to? I wanted to reject it, to toss the idea out as ridiculous. But in my heart, I knew it was true. I didn’t want to be Gordon. I wanted to be Ivy, the succubus. My eyes closed and I let out a sigh.

The click of the door reached my ears and my eyes shot back open. Yulia stood in the doorway, a grumpy scowl creasing her face.