Chapter 28 – Turning point

The next morning, Alexander woke up but didn’t move from his bed, he stared fixedly at the ceiling, he just stared and was immersed in thoughts for a long time.

Yesterday he let himself go, everything disappeared beside himself, the ship and his crew, then while he swam with the lightning in the clouds, he felt something snapping in his mind, then he understood his misunderstandings. From the beginning, that was everything that mattered and while he focused to take care of his crew, he missed what truly needed his attention, himself, his behavior to this day was nothing more than an amalgamation of misconceptions based on the thoughts of an immature man, and who could blame him. All the experiences a person gains with the passage of time, he lost them all, what he knows are just stories, a fantasy that couldn’t be translated in the real world, he behaved like the protagonists of those stories because that was all he had, that was all the information he had to use in the judgement of his own behavior. Right or wrong, can a baby distinct that? No, a baby would not understand if he sees the body of his dead mother, he only has instincts so he will cry only if he has needs. Alexander himself was better, but only better than a baby, his actions were chosen and judged using the protagonists in those stories as comparison.

A good example is this.

When he first came to this world, he met the marines. What followed was that he massacred them all, but was that necessary? Couldn’t that bloodshed be avoided? It could, or to be more specific, it was hard not to choose the path opposite the bloody one, but he chose the bloodshed despite his own repulsion to killing as that was the behavior the protagonist should have, even if the conflict didn’t need to end that way, even if he just needed to show just enough power to scare them away without attracting much attention, but that wasn’t something he could have chosen because, at the time, he had nothing beside those stories to use in the making of his own judgement, nothing at all, he hadn’t even spoken to a single person before that, in his mind, people were like the characters of the stories because he hadn’t meet a single, real, person, thus they shouldn’t have had much weight in his mind, but they had more weight that he was prepared for. That day he couldn’t bear the weight of his own actions, he didn’t understand why that was so, because he behaved like he should have. When he was about to break under the weight of remorse, the feelings of guilt and disgust that threatened to break him disappeared as if a flame extinguished by water, from that day he didn’t feel anything while killing, he couldn’t consider his enemies, as humans anymore, but ‘enemies’ were another race, another lifeform or just ‘something else’. Then he fought, he killed, he behaved like a proper protagonist should and he responded to the situations he found himself in as a protagonist should, but memories can be made anew, he meet Robin, then Elis and the Five Girls and he started to unknowingly change, until yesterday when the knot on his feelings was undone releasing all those changes and thoughts accumulated inside himself, awakening his ‘self’. He began to discover his true feelings and desires, not a protagonist’s feelings but his.

The only feelings he was sure to be his, were the feelings towards Robin and the warm feelings towards Elis, Anemone and her sisters.

But something remained lost, something couldn’t be recovered and that was the empathy towards ‘enemies’, he didn’t know if that was good or bad, time will tell.

Despite coming to this world, a long time ago, today he felt like he awakened from a lucid dream that started on that day, before that he could be said to have been neither in a dream nor in reality, but somewhere in between.

Thinking about so many things, he felt very tired despite having stood in bed until now, but it wasn’t over yet, there were still other things to think about.

First, the system, what was the system, why he had it. Those were important questions, he was given something like this, surely not for nothing, all events have a reason so must him having the system. Could he really depend on something that he knows nothing about? Something that was given could also be taken.

What is he without this mysterious power?

A protagonist could be said to have been gifted it, or he earned it somehow, but he wasn’t a protagonist, he didn’t want to be a protagonist, he couldn’t just accept it anymore.

What he wanted; he was now clear about it.

He still wanted a crew with all the women he admired and liked from the anime he loved so much, he still wanted a safe home to live with them forever, but that was harder than reaching the sky, why would they follow a strange man they knew nothing about, why would they leave everything for someone they have no deep relationship with. Fighting with the marines and the celestial dragons or the four emperors was easier, in that case only strength was needed and the path was clear, but the path to conquer those women was all but clear, it was so unclear it couldn’t be seen, but it was also a great path, all he knew was that he needed to love and be loved by them but how to go about that was the true question.

While everyone else was chasing strength, he would chase women and spend a fulfilling life with many women by his side, women who truly loved him.

The destination was clear, but the means of reaching that destination became unclear.

He had to find another power, something to replace the system, something that belonged to him and he had control over, or he may be meet with tragedy.

Then Alexander froze, his mind didn’t comprehend the situation he was in, he was just starring at the ceiling immersed in thoughts, and now he found himself in a bright, white endless space.

“I don’t like surprises, you know?”, an old thundering voice sounded in the endless space.