The acquisition of the statues

"......"

Let’s see, let’s halt the flow of the story for a brief second and take a reflective pause regarding the clichés of contemporary fantasy literature.

(GZZZZZZZT—TCH-TCH-TCH!!!)

Surely you have read or seen more than one story where the protagonist—who is usually some average student, a bored office worker, or a teenager with attitude issues—receives a divine power overnight. You know, the classic mystical lightning bolt, a blessing from some busty goddess, or a "system" that appears floating in mid-air. And suddenly, bam!, the guy already knows how to execute continental-level destructive techniques, manipulates quantum energy as if it were play-doh, and moves at the speed of light without tearing a single ligament.

Are you familiar with them?

Perfect! If that's the case, let me ask you one thing....

How the hell is it so easy for them? (Pure envy right here).

"It is an absolute slap in the face to effort and the logic of training!"

(MMMMGH... VVRRR-HAAA... AHHH-H-HAAAH... ♥!!!)

Exactly! While I'm still stuck here, staring completely blankly, sliding my light-blue, static-charged fingers over the cold marble contour of these two inorganic goddesses, I can't help but feel a profound resentment toward the multiverse's distribution of talent. Because nobody handed me a user manual!

(Krrr-ack... h-haaa...!! Mmmgh...!)

As you might remember, my mastery over voltage techniques wasn't born from a pact with a supreme being or a season reset. No, sir. I had to develop "Maximum Voltage" at the tender age of five, channeling my own spiritual energy through a process so rigorous it would have made any Shaolin monk cry. Five years old! At that age, most kids are busy eating dirt or trying not to glue their fingers together, while I was already calculating the ohmic resistance of my own nervous system without a single damn guide! (Except for Echidna).

And since then... well, years passed. Many years. And a stupid amount of absurd events that I would rather not have to list individually.

Do you want the details of those years?

... Of course I won't give them to you; we don't have all night, and besides... do you really want a recap chapter...?

(Mmmgh... ahhh-h-haaa...!!! — Krrr-vrrr! ♥)

But anyway, putting that aside, the point is that after surviving all of that—including being in another world living the isekai dream—I can now proudly admit, despite the delay, how I have finally reached the pinnacle of personal optimization.

"Look at me! No catalysts! No Taser guns involved! No need for a Magical Girl transformation that calls my masculinity into question!" (Absolute pride).

I am finally capable of manifesting and regulating the technique through purely manual means!

(GZZZZZZZT—TCH-TCH-TCH!!!)

This is an unprecedented technical evolution for me!!

My bare hands now act as the perfect distribution bridge, filtering the current directly into the mineral layers of my two stone clients, who continue to writhe under my rhythmic kneading, releasing gasps so explicit and loaded with suggestive hearts that the entire forest seems to be blushing.

(MMMMGH... VVRRR-HAAA... AHHH-H-HAAAH... ♥!!!)

... Yes, they are definitely intensifying.

The inorganic gasps of my two marble clients are reaching decibels that, honestly, if any adventurer were to pass near this clearing, they would think they were witnessing a forbidden ritual of some stone succubus sect.

... Which, thinking about it carefully... could actually be true...?

But make no mistake, this is pure medical science combined with the pinnacle of my documented knowledge!

(GZZZZZZZT~!!!)

You see, to achieve the impossible feat of massaging solid rock and molding Carrara marble as if it were warm play-doh, just throwing lightning bolts wildly around isn't enough.

Of course not! The real secret lies within the perfect synergy.

"What do you mean by that?"

Well, I'm glad you asked, so it's time to explain!

Pay close attention: on one hand, we have the traditional massage arts—those that make direct use of spiritual energy and whose physiological effects vary radically depending on the method and the type of kneading used.

Meanwhile, on the other hand, there is my regulated voltage technique, channeled directly through my bare hands!

And to grant the desperate existential "desire" of these two statues—which, I clarify right now, is a strictly subjective opinion of mine based on their abandoned-puppy expressions—I found myself professionally obligated to break all limits.

"I have combined what conventional medicine would consider a biohazard!"

(KRRR-ACK... SSS-AHHH... OOOOOOOOH... ♥!!!)

That's right! I have fused the Forbidden Massage Art (Maximum Power Pleasure) with the Relaxing Massage Art, adding the Restorative Massage Art on top of it, and all of this amalgamated with millimeter-level regulated voltage.

The result...?

The result of this bold geological experiment is the birth of what, with all due propriety, we could baptize as a completely new technique!

Do you want a comprehensible analogy, dear reader?

Well then, think of those cutting-edge electro-masotherapy treatments offered by the most exclusive five-star spas in major metropolises.

You know how they work: electrostimulation patches are placed over the client's muscle groups, sending controlled, low-frequency microcurrents.

But you're probably wondering... why do something like that...?

Well, the scientific answer is that the objective of these devices is to force passive tissue contraction and hypertrophy, accelerate the elimination of lactic acid via electrical impulses, and trick the central nervous system into releasing massive bursts of endorphins, achieving a relaxation and relief that human hands would take hours to deliver.

"And if a machine made of wires and plastic can do it... why can't I?!"

Exactly...

(Mmmgh... ahhh-h-haaa...!!! — Krrr-vrrr! ♥)

... Possessing skills that basically mimic, or rather, surpass the effects of those high-end apparatuses by millions of light-years, I came to the conclusion that I could do the exact same thing.

In fact... let's admit it already, we're among old friends here.

For quite a while now, I had been feeling a tremendous anxiety, a crazy desire, and an imperative curiosity to try out this idea.

But obviously, knowing you all so well, I am sure you must be wondering by now... why didn't you try it before?

... Well, the answer is obvious. (Tragic realism).

Up until this point, my lack of absolute control and subtlety when managing the voltage in my civilian body was an insurmountable obstacle. I mean, if I had tried this yesterday, instead of a relaxing massage with mild electrical pressure charges in just the right spots, the only thing I would have achieved would be carbonizing my own hands or, failing that, blowing my clients into a thousand pieces of smoking gravel due to an amperage overload.

But now, with this blessed, unexpected evolution—the fruit of a possible unexpected growth—the sky is the limit!

"ACHOO~!!!"

However, at that moment, Flora's sharp sneeze and a tiny flurry of golden pollen cut the thread of my brilliant technical monologue.

("Not on my watch!!")

But fortunately, once again, Silver—reacting with the speed of a tactical hawk...

(Fwup!)

...before the sleeping particles could expand through the sector's air, slammed the handkerchief with millimeter precision directly onto the fairy's little face, wiping her nose with rhythmic and professional movements.

"Good play, Silver!"

Nonetheless, due to that distraction...

(MMMMGH... VVRRR-HAAA... AHHH-H-HAAAH... ♥!!!)

...as I lowered my gaze, harsh reality slapped me across the face, as it always does.

"...."

There were my bare hands, sinking into and molding the perfect, voluptuous, and sinful curves of two stone sculptures that were completely naked, writhing at ground level under my constant kneading.

"It's useless..."

I know exactly what you are thinking right now!

You are probably pointing your finger at me and accusing me of having become the ultimate degenerate of this Isekai, but let me tell you one thing: you are making a grave error in judgment!

Granted, if we analyze my track record with total objectivity, it is an irrefutable fact that I should be more than immunized against any display of extreme depravity and vulgarity.

After all, my day-to-day life at home is a veritable minefield for anyone's mental health!

I mean, think about my mother (possessed). That woman possesses a mature figure that any magazine model would envy, but due to her condition, she spends her time walking around completely naked 24 hours a day, every single damn day inside the house, acting as if she were a grumpy seventy-year-old old man while smoking, scratching herself without the slightest hint of shame, and shuffling her feet around.

... And yes, I admit it, I got used to it.

But don't forget that the overly perfect maid, Sara, lives there too!

I mean, she is terrifyingly efficient due to her... you know... lack of her own "ego"... However, because of the aftermath left behind by the orders of that tyrannical girl named Kim, Sara performs eccentric behaviors completely at random!

I mean, I've already normalized seeing her defecating in the backyard while I have breakfast, or performing degrading and absurd dances in front of me a couple of times a day...

"And that is just the tip of the iceberg!"

Now, on top of what I just said, add the behavior of the brainwashed members of the literature club, who regularly approach me just to give me ultra-detailed reports on how fucked up and deranged their daily lives are, among many other surreal things that plague my routine.

So yes, with a family and social environment like that, my sense of modesty should be petrified!

"But fear not..."

However, I want to make this crystal clear: I have never done anything like cross the line with anyone! (Willpower/Torture).

"A true gentleman would never take advantage of such situations!"

... Well, okay, let's be honest.

While my willpower is worthy of praise, my subtle and relentless survival instinct also played a fundamental role in the equation.

After all, even to this day, whenever my mind weighed the slightest possibility of intervening or doing something, a survival alarm would begin to scream with a terrifying intensity, warning me that I was in imminent mortal danger if I made a single false move.

And let it be very clear that in the face of danger, I will flee! (Coward).

Furthermore, if we stick strictly to my current biology, I have not yet entered the stage of puberty.

That's right! Fortunately for my sanity, the biological switch of hormones remains completely turned off, which means there are no uncontrollable impulses or testosterone clouding my judgment.

... Although I still worry about what will happen a few years from now... but I'll leave that to my future self! (I curse you).

(KRRR-ACK... SSS-AHHH... OOOOOOOOH... ♥!!!)

... Though, of course, listening to those incredibly explicit gasps while the marble molds itself under my fingers flickering with static is not an easy thing to ignore.

(KRRR-ACK... SHUUUUUUUU...!!!)

But fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, with one last prolonged mineral creak that echoed throughout the clearing, the light-blue static on my hands died out completely, leaving behind a faint smell of ozone and a deathly calm.

".... Haaa."

And seeing them, I exhaled a deep sigh of relief, letting my arms drop to my sides while my shoulders finally relaxed...

(PLAF!! — PLAF!!)

...whereupon, both marble statues—which just minutes ago radiated an imposing and gothic majesty—collapsed forward, hitting the damp grass of the forest at full length, looking exactly like two frogs flattened by a bus.

"Very well... with this, I'm done..."

Let's ignore the fact that both were left with expressions that should never be seen publicly, with both staring blankly into space, their eyes completely cross-eyed, mouths subtly open, and a trace of spiritual vapor emanating from their stone lips.

.... But at least they look happy... Yes, I know... you don't have to tell me... it looks like they received a tremendous mind-breaker straight out of an 18+ story... which actually fits the situation... but I didn't do anything!

"... Okay, what should I do now?"

With that said, I dusted off the palms of my hands automatically, trying to recover my usual rhythm.

("MOMMY!! YOU DID IT!!")

"Mommy~!"

And with perfect timing, both Silver and Flora made an impulsive and flawlessly choreographed leap from their row of seats straight into my arms, overflowing with euphoric joy over the success!

(Fwup! — Zap!)

So, naturally coordinating my reflexes to cushion the impact, I caught Silver against my chest with one arm while Flora nestled into the crook of my neck, flapping her tiny wings with a pride so palpable I could almost see little stars of satisfaction floating around us.

"Oof! I got you!"

... However, I would have preferred not to suffer a tackle, given my nonexistent physical capacity.

"Mmmgh... ach...!"

But with no time to reflect, as soon as I felt the characteristic rhythmic twitch in Flora's nose, I immediately proceeded to pull a clean handkerchief from my pocket with the agility of a magician and intercepted the threat, covering her little nose even before she could release the sneeze into the air!

(Pffft!)

In that manner, I contained the pollen crisis, only to immediately lower my gaze toward the two marble figures that remained in that cross-eyed frog position upon the grass.

"... Well, I can't just irresponsibly leave this mess lying around in the middle of the forest."

Besides, let's be realistic and talk numbers, dear reader.

"... Diamonds."

The moment I focused my peripheral vision on the statues, a mental reminder flashed red in my brain: the purchase receipt in my pocket left by Melioris, along with a note stating that he had bought them.

"So, there is no other choice."

I can't simply leave them there! Which leaves me with only one option...

"Silver, I need your brute strength. Help me carry them for a moment so we can put them inside the dimensional storage pocket."

I put away the handkerchief, adjusted Flora onto my shoulder, and looked at Silver, asking for assistance.

("Understood, mommy!")

...And in that way, I made a new acquisition.