Chapter 35 – Turning Point
Griscent fainted as she had sex with Slade.
As a result, the whole dreamworld became unstable and the illusion of a younger Slade interrupted their intercourse.
Slade followed his younger self into his illusory bedroom, where they spent time together. Struck with nostalgia, he recalled a past where life didn’t suck and he played piano well.
Before parting ways, older Slade shared his worries with his younger self. Who should he side with? Griscent or Violet?
Sitting on his bed, young Slade closed his eyes with a smug expression. He crossed his arms, nodding in an all-knowing attitude.
“You can choose…” he started.
He took a deep breath.
“Me! Because I’m the best waifu, haha-”
Older Slade delivered a karate chop on the teenager’s head.
“I had a feeling you’d say something like that,” older Slade sighed.
“Really! It’s not just a joke!” younger Slade whined.
“Right…” Old Slade tilted the back of the rolling chair as horizontally as possible. He leaned backwards, staring at the ceiling with deadpan eyes.
“Sure, don’t put everything on the line for a girl you met a week ago. Fortunately, you aren’t forced to do that as a rook,” young Slade said.
Old Slade nodded.
“But she still was nice to you! You can’t just betray her like that. Shouldn’t it be obvious to refuse Griscent?”
“Hmm…”
Don’t listen to him. A thought erupted within Old Slade.
“You don’t have to betray Violet, but you don’t have to live for her either. What more do you want?” young Slade asked.
You can’t turn back once you’ve heard the truth.
Old Slade turned the rolling chair towards the computer and started a game of Solitaire.
“Weren’t you super happy about piloting a golem and fighting for cute girls? What changed in the meantime?” young Slade asked.
Yes, it was cool. But not as awesome as Griscent’s… No, I can’t say it.
“Sorry… I think it was a mistake to share my problems with you. Forget it,” old Slade said, blushing.
Young Slade snorted.
“You think that I’m stupid? I know you omitted things that happened within the dream.”
Old Slade slammed the desk, eager to end the conversation.
“That’s right! You got baited with sex!” young Slade said.
“Not at all.”
“You acted like you wouldn’t stop fucking that elf even after I popped out.”
“Shut up! I came here, didn’t I?”
“Haha! Weak minded little bitch! Confess everything!” young Slade shouted with sadism.
Old Slade rubbed his temples, resisting the urge to punch his younger self.
Young Slade reached into his stash of cultured manga and handed one of them with the arrogant demeanor of a merciful god.
“What am I supposed to do with it?” old Slade asked.
“I know, I know. You’ve been isekaied, and you missed those. Here take them and Godspeed.”
Old Slade grabbed it. He glanced at the cover.
It used to be one of his favorites, but he no longer felt anything about it. With a nonchalant swing, the book flew right into the bin.
“How could you!? Those are the sacred scriptures! Without it, the world is just a colorless hell of sadness!” young Slade howled.
“Ha! Who’s baited by sex now? It’s illegal for minors, give it up,” old Slade said, shaking the bin in his hand.
“Give it back!” The teenager bawled his eyes out.
“See, you cannot force people to decide like that. It only leads to anger and resistance.” Old Slade felt bad for toying with the young boy, so he handed it back.
“Sorry…” young Slade muttered.
Old Slade chuckled.
“Grey hell of sadness… Aren’t you overstating it? You’re doing pretty in life,” he said.
“Isn’t it the same for you? Your new life went fine until now,” young Slade said.
“Right now, I feel like I’d be willing to throw everything aside and die to have another taste of her,” old Slade said.
“Ah… I guess we’re hopeless then,” young Slade said, tucking his treasure back into his secret stash.
“What is in the bin? I don’t remember reading it,” Old Slade pulled out a magazine from it.
“Oh, that’s just boomer trash. I couldn’t understand a word in it. Imagine reading on physical paper kek,” Young Slade said.
“Gosh, I used to talk weirdly.”
The cover featured the portrait of an elderly man.
“There is only one inborn error, and that is the notion that we exist in order to be happy - Schopenhauer,” Old Slade read.
It was about philosophy.
“Why are we still here? Just to suffer,” young Slade said with a hoarse voice.
There was a section about neuroscience.
“The pitfall of hedonism (the pursuit of pleasure)
Greek traditions have distinguished the concept of hedonia (pleasure) from eudaimonia (‘life well spent’ or ‘meaning’).
It has been well established that those sensations activate dopamine and opioid pathways.
However, the brain down-regulates its sensitivity to repeated stimuli.
Like a carefully calibrated captor, the brain will readjust the peaks of its signal to avoid saturation.
Consequently, the same stimulus can no longer provide the former level of pleasure after repeated use.
As a side effect, daily normal life becomes dull.
Hence, eudaimonia often stands in contradiction to hedonism because its neural pathways are disrupted by hedonism,” old Slade read.
“Guess I’ll just suffer eternally then.” young Slade shrugged.
"Fortunately, the desensitization process reverts with time," old Slade added.
"What a relief."
”Does that mean that we enjoy the same overall level of pleasure regardless of our actions? Honestly, I was about to get tired from pumping that elf,” old Slade said.
“Maybe we’re terrorized by the fear of missing out on pleasure when it’s actually a mirage.” Young Slade rubbed his chin.
“It’s worse than a mirage. You’re only left with pain and apathy after touching it. It creates a problem and disguises itself as its solution.”
“Hmm…”
“To be honest, I was panicking when Griscent pressured me to join her. I was scared that she would deny my fix. I would live without ever feeling happy again. But it wasn’t happiness, anyway.”
“Yeah… So how do we get that eudemoniac thing?” young Slade asked.
“By pursuing meaning… I guess it’s vague.”
“Maybe like what you told me with the piano composition? By going through the tension to reach the home note?”
Old Slade nodded.
At first, his desire for Griscent was unbearably high. He wanted her, but he couldn’t have her.
But it receded as he realized that the overwhelming levels of pleasure she provided were toxic.
A sense of liberation swept through him. He could have her, but he didn’t want it anymore.
After seeing through the main fallacy that Griscent was his only way to happiness, he was only left with a tingling desire that demanded an equivalent intensity of pleasure from anything he could reach.
Slade stood up, shaking with hope and excitement.
“I can make my decision now. Thank you for everything.”
Young Slade lifted his thumb up, filling old Slade with determination.
You may interfere with Slade's choice. Click on the system window to tip the scale of judgement.
If the picture-link don't work: Surrender to Griscent / Refuse to betray Violet